let go of lies and fear...and embracing life.

I would say of all the songs I heard on the radio when I was growing up...this is the one I remember playing over and over...and it is something that you don't understand when you are younger.

When you are young...this feeling is natural..
You feel sure of yourself.
You haven't lived long enough to really mess up.
To have regrets.
To be second guessed...
To have your mistakes effect the lives of others.
To be afraid.

On the other hand, when you are a child you are still held back by circumstances...
you are trained to set limits on what you can and can't do.
In a healthy environment..the limits are for a child's own good.
In a toxic environment, the limitations are a manifestation of a parent's own lack of self esteem and self percieved shortcomings...and when those people have children, even if they don't intend it..
they pass these self imposed limitations on to their children...
I have many positive things from my mother...
A 'no quit' attitude.
I learned to never complain, and to work hard.
I learned to be honest with myself and others.

and believe it or not, I have developed many good character traits from living with an abusive father.
I learned to seperate my worth from another's opinion or actions.
I learned that whatever anyone thinks of my worth as a human being, my worth is not weighed by the value placed on me by the people who surround me.
My value is based on God's love for me.
That makes me a person of infinite worth.
But,
I also developed self limiting beliefs...
Coming out of high school...there was the belief that college was for rich kids.
That a career in the arts was not a 'real job'.
For anything to be a real job, it had to be boring and hard and pay for shit.
I was taught that being feminine was 'wussy'.
To be 'equal' you had to be 'tough'.
So many of these things went against my true nature, that I supressed myself.
I am, by nature, a very sensitive person.
I like people.
For who they are...not the clothes they wear, not for the job they have or the car they drive...or the age they have attained or haven't attained.
In my mind, when I am looking at someone...whether it's an adult or a child...I see an individual and approach them that way.
YOu won't find me talking down to a child, or an elderly person, or a homeless person.
When I talk to people I want to hear from their heart and mind.
I want to know who they are...
And I want to judge them on their spirit....not their social status.
I do not feel the need to be validated in my life choices by people who have made similar life choices.

This makes me (and has made me) very different than many people over the years.
So I don't always  fit  in social settings.
I have never, not once wanted to discuss whether my car had a leather interior.
When the wholesale condemnation of an entire people group or activity comes winging my way in a conversation, I do my best to duck.
For by what measure you judge, you will be judged.
I always keep that in mind... cause I can just see jesus up there measuring out the judgement rod everytime I open my mouth to condemn someone...(he was a carpenter)

But I have learned to accept that not everyone approaches life this way.
The one good thing my childhood did for me was to teach me to differentiate between someone's opinion or perception of a situation..
and reality.
I learned early that another's opinion was just that..an opinion.
Or to use a crass phrase that was flung around my house:
"Opinions are like @ssholes, everyone has one."
What hurts my heart is to see other people accept the opinion of others as a correct one in spite of that person's own perception or grasp on a situation.
I have some relatives like this.
They are very sensitive, and take everything people say to heart.
Even if that person whose gums are flapping isn't worth spit.
I've seen it on blogs.
People popping off and laying down their version of the law when they have no concept of someone else's reality.
Compassion rarely fails.
Listening rather than talking will save you major embarrasment nearly every time it is tried.
So I am letting go of some lies I have held on to...
Lies and fears implanted in me by people who have their own opinions and limitations.
I can have a career in Art.
Being feminine doesn't mean you aren't strong.
Not caring about money is okay.
I can be as organized or disorganized as I want to be, I am not 'naturally disorganized'..organization is a skill, so I will achieve this skill.
My beginning doesn't determine my ending.
Other people's life decisions don't affect me...therefore they are none of my business and I won't discuss them.
I can learn to play the piano or learn to dance ballet whenever the frick I want...you don't have to be 10 years old to take lessons.
What are some lies that you have taken as your truth?
Even though, deep down you know it isn't you?
I was thinking...I am halfway to dead...37 years old.
How much of my life do I want to spend making other people comfortable?
How much time do I want to spend validating someone else's opinion or life choice at the expense of my own truth and happiness?
And how much do I want to spend being truly happy.
I say the rest of it.
Whatever I have.
Whatever God gives me.
Chris out.