This post was a long time coming.
I am writing this post because quite frankly, I can't not write this post.
This post's topic is the whole reason I had 130 lbs to lose.
This post is necessary because I see people daily who I know, and or suspect have a 'fat shield' for this very reason.
YOu don't get fat because you love lugging hundreds of extra pounds around.
You are eating to fill a void.
Don't bullshit me.
To fill a void or create a barrier.
Some people fill the void with other substances...
Some people create a barrier by being gregarious...funloving...but always at a distance emotionally.
I created a barrier through my fat.
You want to know why I don't weigh in anymore.
because even now....the lower weight creates a persistent feeling of dread.
I fear being VULNERABLE.
I fear being VICTIMIZED.
I fear being NOTICED.
As my husband says: "He noticed me...nom nom nom."
When men notice me, I get very uncomfortable.
The lower my weight went..the worse it got.
The stasis over the last year has a lot to do with the persistent feelings of dread.
Simply keeping myself where I am has been a challenge.
When I see someone who is morbidly obese and they can't figure why...why can't they let the weight go..
It's a shield to protect them.
Or it's a void that they are filling.
And they are wondering..
If I give up this comfort...or this shield.
What will I be getting in return.
I know what they will be getting in return.
And still I struggle.
So don't think I don't understand.
Just because someone is now thin....Don't think they don't understand where you are.
I am going to finish this...
NOT in a grand eloquent way..
Like a ballet.
But hard till the finish.
I NEED to get to my goal weight.
When I say I do this to WIN...it isn't for a pants size.
It's so what happened to me does not define me in a negative way.
I have to do this so that I can PROVE that anyone can overcome anything.
EVEN BECOMING THE THING YOU FEAR WILL HURT YOU.
Because I know it isn't true.
so don't do this because you think it will give you a potential mate or children..
or a great ass.
or more money.
Do it for you...so you KNOW what you are capable of...
SO you can live a long healthy life, knowing you are in charge of nearly everything you put your heart and mind to.
If you are on the fence about this, do it.
It won't make you happy....but it will make you awake...
because you can't use your crutch
you will have to face your feelings.
You will have to face your fears.
You will have to face the results of your poor choices.
And then you will discover you can change them.
That the past is the past and the future is what you make of it.
For good or ill.
YOu can do this.
And so can I.