Darkness is defeated by light...

Still working on things..
But here is what I have come up with.
I am doing a word study and am looking up all references to light in the bible.
So, in a way I am also looking up the absence of light.
I saw an idea in the form of an internet meme the other day..
That There is no Dark.
There is no cold.
There is no Evil...
Not really.
What these  things represent is an absence of one thing.
Jesus said: "I am the way, the Truth and the light."
It warms us.
It represents Good.
It represents illumination.
When it is not present..
Or conversely..
Where ever God is not present.
There is Evil.
Or Darkness.
Or Cold..
or hate, pride, anger, vengeance, unkindness and lies.
We are not the originators of light.
We are conduits of light.
And when we allow evil in...When we allow our need for vengeance to overtake us...
When we allow things to block the light of God.
We become Dark.
And cold.
And evil.
It is a choice to allow God to shine through us...
We are all going to die..
Me, daisy...you.
All we are here to do is to be the 'Glory of God"
Which is the light of truth, love and kindness.
Some people choose to live their lives snuffing out the light of God in others...
But as I read last night... “Indeed, the light of the wicked goes out,
And the flame of his fire gives no light"...
that is Job 18:5.
And, since they lit noone and they lit nothing...
Their memory will be snuffed out in eternity.
But Daisy has lit the hearts of thousands of people...
Simply by shining the qualities of God.
Faith, and hope and joy.
Every time someone new is lit by the spirit of another...that person's purpose for existing has been accomplished.
Daisy has lived a thousand times over and will continue to live in future generations through the passing down of the faith that was instilled by her courage.
It is my job to take the light within me, given by God.
And to pass it on to as many people as I can.
The only way evil and darkness is defeated, is by the light of God.
You cannot defeat darkness with darkness..
It only flees before the light.
That is where I am...
Will be back soon, I promise.


Answering some comments with some answers..lol.

Hey guys..
I have really been thinking.
And also cleaning alot.
I thought I would take the time out to answer some questions that kind of came as suggestions in the comments over the last couple of posts..
Thank you all for being so supportive.
It must look like a train wreck...and I appreciate anyone willing to talk as opposed to driving by slowly while getting a glimpse. lol.
First up is Pat because she had a very good and concrete suggestion.
Confront the abuser.
I live in Colorado, he in michigan...so a drive is not really in the cards..
I held up his behavior to him in the past.
But I have never done it to his face.
I did it once in a letter while stationed in germany.
I wrote down everything I could remember..which back then was less than I remember now.
(It is an onion, or was an onion...I am pretty far in at this point.)
Of course, at that point I had pretty much decided to 'let it all go' etc.
But then I realized my anger was affecting my marriage..
and I wanted to direct my anger at the right person.
This was in 1995 or 1996.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was not a nice letter.
It called him an abuser, and that I was dumping that crap back on him...
Which was my first attempt at 'letting go'.
I talked to him six months later on the phone when I went back to visit my mom.
He was talkiNG to my younger brother who said that I was there.
So he wanted to talk to me.
He went five or six minutes without mentioning this letter.
I confronted him about the letter.
silence...then "I wasn't that bad." 
That was all he had to say...I said.."If that's all, then we have nothing to say." and I hung up.
I called him a year ago and told him I forgave him.
He said "There is nothing to forgive, your mom gave as good as she got."
I said "If you are getting mugged, you fight back."
I said "That's all I called to say."
He said "I don't accept it."
Serious question...doesn't Jesus say "If they ask for forgiveness, forgive them."
And if they don't ask?
Then you forgive anyways...and it's for you..so no question.
There is nothing there I don't already know...
confronting him is like confronting a brick wall.
@Margie anne, Loretta and Val and all my Christian friends..I think letting Jesus walk into that space and take it is a great idea.  I like the symbolic idea margie anne had of wrapping it all up and taking it somewhere and setting it on fire. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows how much I like to set things on fire. lol.
Seriously, I do best with visual things...so this is something I will probably do.
@ yellow rose jasmine- reparenting...I have actually done that. It's a great thing to do for people who had crappy childhoods...my reparenting included learning to speak nicely to myself....buying myself pretty clothes and going kite flying amongst other things. Thank you though, alot of people don't know about this concept.
Loretta said that my anger may be an umbrella emotion. For years I have thought that...I did have sadness over not having a dad...I was unhappy  that I felt rejected...etc. But really, any rejection I felt about that was put to rest by the knowledge that God knew me and planned me from the foundations of the universe...that my name is written in the palm of his hand.
My father was God.
That took care of that...and I mean that 100 percent.
I have come to the conclusion that what is left now is the anger about the inability to inflict on him the pain he inflicted on others. He will never accept responsibility. I don't even want a sorry  now. I just would like him to know how it feels. But over the last two weeks I have come to the conclusion that God will take care of that. 
Val said she wanted me to get it out of my heart so I can move on...and boy howdy do I want to.\
It's another thing that angers me..that any part of this is left...this no sleeping thing.

I want to thank robin and Val for being sounding boards on this...I have needed it and they have spoken warmth and truth to me...Thank you both!
Thanks to She and Jane and Hanli and Caron, Joy and the putz. Anyone who I missed...as I reread I am sure I will come across people I missed...Than you as well. YOur words are helpful to me.

But I have to say guys...that I think a person I have never talked to before just about nailed it. This lady's name was Jenny..she left the last comment...she talked about the main issue being unpredictability.  I don't like things to change. I like my ruts.  Duane was unpredictable.  My childhood on a day to day basis was scary and unpredictable. I have done my best to make my children's lives predictable..non threatening, happy.
 I finally realized that all this 'headed for weight maintenance' is scary...Kate going to college, scary...it brought back all those feelings of things being out of kilter.  I am smaller and so feel more vulnerable.  So I am going to focus in on finding some serious routines for the next few months.  Going to the gym six days a week...getting up at a certain time, going to bed at a certain time.  Things that will ground me. 
Next thursday is my appointment about my insomnia...which will hopefully cause a referral to a psychiatrist. lol.   I only have to pay 17 dollars a visit. I know how lucky I am there.  Hopefully the person I see can put this last bit to rest and bury it.  That will be nice...and as a free service, I will be putting tips and pointers on my blog for anyone in a similar situation who doesn't have the means to go.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Why Do Good People die and evil people flourish?

Hey all,
I  had a stream of conciousness thing going for about a week now.
It's been a week since I found out a little girl named Daisy has had her cancer return for the third time.
Since then, it's been a time of me repeatedly asking why of God.
Which I really don't think God minds...
But what I am really asking is why God allows awful people to run around for years wreaking havoc.
Hurting people.
Sucking up oxygen.
And Good people like daisy.
Who has a heart for God as big as anything..who is positive...who is wanted and loved and would someday (from what I have seen of her seven year old spirit) Make a fantastic person.
I realized the depth of my disappointment at not only her rediagnosis..
But all the seeming injustice.
That was when I realized that apart from things I wanted for my children...
This was really the first thing I had ever really wanted for someone else and for me...or a thing I had allowed myself to want.
As I stated yesterday...emotion was not 'allowed'.
Really, If I think about it...hope wasn't allowed.
This was the bastard that had us throw all our Christmas toys out the window and break them one Christmas because we 'didn't deserve them.' 
God, just writing that is something else.
I can't believe this asshole exists.
We all learned to keep everything under lock and key...every emotion..every expression of want or need or anything.
And DAisy's health was the first thing I had ever really petitioned God for, apart from the health of my own kids. 
By petition I mean I prayed...for hours.
There are some people you see that you just know are special.
And today I was overcome by sadness again, and anger that this could happen to such a special little girl.
I know life isn't fair.
And I know life here is temporary, and we are all going to die.
I know God sometimes says no.
Because if life was fair...Duane wouldn't be on the right side of the dirt sucking up oxygen while a good person fights for their life.
I have not allowed myself to hope for anything...ever.
My default position is expect the worst.
And while I was thinking of this again today...I finally realized that any life on  this earth is given meaning by the people who are touched by it...
What meaning will Duane's life have...well, apart from destruction..not much.
What meaning will Daisy's life have? 
Alot if her family, and her friends and all the people who have read her story and watched her struggle have anything to say.
She defines courage for me.
I realize that  I have never had a dream for myself..not one.
Everything up till now has been a result of either what I have had happen to me..
or a determination of what WASN'T going to happen...
But I have never dreamed something wonderful for me.
It's always about others...
about my girls or my parents.
or Daisy.
Why don't I pick a dream for me?
Yes it's good to help young ladies..
But maybe I should dream of a life I want...maybe places I want to travel.
Set a goal...achieve it.
Live life fully because I am lucky to be alive and to have it..
Not only to help others but to enjoy living.
A person who hurts and defiles should never have more effect than a person who inspires and loves.
That would be the true injustice.
I am feeling everything moving.
I thought about Jesus today.
Why love has to triumph over hate.
Why forgiveness has to triumph over vengeance.
Why you can't kill or destroy and instead have to forgive.
When everything in you wants to hurt as you were hurt.
Wants to take as you were taken from..
When you want that other person to really understand.....to make them feel what you felt.
But you know it won't bring anything back to you.
It won't take away what happened.
Just like evil people dying won't save Daisy.
Hate creates hate.
Love creates love.
The only way to kill hate is to love it away.
I am just going to have to learn how to hope and love and feel and accept the pain that comes with it.
I am afraid of hoping, and I am afraid of letting people in and caring.
But if I go through life that way...I have wasted life.
I ate well and exercised well.
sleep was more difficult last night..
But it came eventually.
Have a great night guys.
The song in the side bar...I have been hearing on the radio...the line that struck me was "Would you break my heart till it moves my hands and feet.' 
My heart has felt broken lately...maybe now I will move.
chris out.


Fear or Rage? I am thinking Rage.

I called my mom today and talked to her.
I told her about the oppressive feeling in my chest when I start losing more weight...
I asked her questions about that time when Duane lived with us.
I remember quite a few things...but there are blank spots.
And my mom reminded me of something I had forgotten.
She reminded me that he liked to wait a few days till you felt the danger had passed to dole out unexpected punishment.
He would act like everything was fine..
Then suddenly it wouldn't be fine.
It was typically violent.
He was very good at scaring the shit out of people.
When we were 'disciplined'...it would usually be at night.
Typically after he had gotten home, after he had gone to the bar..gotten drunk..gotten angry and then wanted to know who had done something.
It could be something like eat his candy bar out of the refridgerator.
As I recall that was a three hour ordeal.
Us sitting with our backs to our bunkbeds on the floor...while he took turns snapping the belt in our faces or whacking us upside the head to get one of us to 'confess'.
At that point my older brother and I had a silent understanding...neither one of us was saying shit.
Then when he was about to start in with the belt my mom would come in and draw him off and they would go at it out in the hall.
Finally he would stomp off and go to bed.
Sometimes he started hitting before mom interceded..
by intercede I mean 'throw herself on his back and have a fistfight'.
IT depended on the situation.
But it was always at night.
It was always unexpected, or out of the blue.
Somedays it was if we chewed too loudly at the kitchen table..
or were laughing and he thought we were laughing at him.
or if we ran..
or left a mess.
or didn't flush the toilet.
And as I was talking about it..
about all the emotions we weren't allowed to express.
We were never allowed to be happy..or we were laughing at him.
We were never allowed to be sad, because we looked 'stupid'.
We weren't allowed to be anxious..like when my mom was diagnosed with cancer he told her she was an idiot to worry. That she looked like a dumbass because she was crying.
That she needed to abort my brother.
If we chewed loudly, or took too much food he would call us pigs..
Then he would dump food on my plate and make me eat the whole plate because I was a "pig' and I should eat like one.
(thinking about that..next time I get the urge to eat like I shouldn't...I should keep that in mind. I control what I eat now.)
And I realized that feeling in my chest was huge and tighter...
and it was rage.
Not fear.
Maybe I am afraid of the depth of my anger.
I have seen what anger does when you do not control it.
He was an Angry, Vile Fucker.
And quite frankly..I don't know what to do with this anger.
It's just there.
There is no recompense for what he put us through.
My older brother's life is ruined...
He killed my older brother with abuse that turned into a bitterness and an anger that my older brother couldn't let go of.
I don't want to harbor this anger in me.
I want to let it go.
But I don't know how much is in there.
If there is fear in here..which there may well be when I am not conscious at night.
That just makes me angrier.
I asked my mom if she ever thought of killing him.
She said 'Yes, but I couldn't get the gun loaded'.
This was after he raped her.
She was too upset to load the gun.
I am glad...or I wouldn't have had a mom at all.
I am angry.
But I have to move forward.
I had a great day of eating and exercising.
I did 45 minutes and then practiced elbows and knee throws on a heavy bag.
That was cathartic.
It may become addictive.
I will be going to the gym every day from here on out.
I do better at the gym.
I do better being honest.
I will get free of this.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


It comes it goes...

It seems better when I am cleaing. My mom used to clean when she was upset. Starting to understand why...I made a doctors appointment today for the 19th to see my doctor about my insomnia..
I am hoping for a referrel. I almost chickened out sitting by the phone, the phone rings...it's the hospital wanting to schedule my annual pap test.  kismet. God.
yeah.  so I made two appointments.
I am not getting on any feelings mat.  Just sayin'. I hope they find someone that doesn't talk to you like a yuppie telling her kid to 'use his inside voice'. I can't stand that.  Back upstairs to clean..haven't eaten a thing.  Thanks you guys...the only thing I used to do and not eat was art. I will have to start that up...right now I am getting rid of things I have kept for inexplicable reasons...like my honey jar.  I have a blue pottery honey jar. It's sittiing by my bed. I like it alright..I like pottery. I don't love it. Why do I even have it. That's gone as is a puzzle box I don't particularly like. I will probably end up in a bedroom with nothing in it.

like a weight pressing on my chest.

that's what it feels like..anyone who has something to say to help me through this bit...where I would love to hoover the fridge...speak up.  Thanks guys. I know it's on me...but back up is helpful.


got loads...of course I ate more yesterday...today is the day to start restricting calories etc.  I am also going to call the doctor for my insomnia...who I hope will refer me to a counselor so I can  really cure my insomnia. I have to have a referral.
here's to hoping.


Being completely honest....

I talk about many things.
I don't talk about everything.
I know I have spoken about fear.
Everytime I start going through the 150's...I have a big ball of fear...that gets bigger and bigger.
I know (I think) what causes it.
as I get closer to the 140's...I can't sleep.
It's the kind of insomnia that four sleeping pills cant knock out.
I refuse to up the dose...it's a bandage and not a cure.
I lay there till the sun rises.
Then I begin to eat...till I get to 159 to 160 and I can sleep again.
I am here again.
I can go three days losing weight, going to sleep with the pills. spend the fourth night sleepless.
eat the next three and sleep without pills.
three days losing weight etc.
I am tired of this.
I have been cleaning out my bedroom to I can move my bed. 
Growing up I had a very small room.
I feel safe in a small area with my back to a wall..
and until I can start my self defense classes...I may do this.
I know this is all tied in to feeling defenseless...
reading domestic abuse stories triggers more anxiety..of course.
So I stopped doing that for now.
But I want to move forward.
My best bet is to blog here daily.
And be totally honest with my feelings.
my weight.
my struggles.
Just like I did in the beginning.
I didn't want people to be discouraged...and so I kept silent.
Which was stupid.
I started this to help me.
I still have to help me.
So I will.
I will blog twice a day.
once in the morning about my sleeping.
once in the evening about my eating and exercise.
it's all going out there.
no hiding.
The only way through it is to do it.
I hope you guys can hang in there for this last ugly bit.
I don't think it's going to be very inspirational..
more like a a long slog through waist deep crap.
I have to learn to feel safe.
figure that one out.
I can't afford lessons on self defense till august..it's life, that's just the way it is..and even if I had lessons now...I don't think it makes a difference. It's in the brain.
I  know I am worthwhile..I know I am a good person.
I don't call myself names.
I just don't feel safe lighter...or at night..
I don't. 
My husband woke me up because I was asking..'what did I do?" in my sleep.
There is probably stuff in there I don't know about....and maybe if I push through it will come to the surface?
who knows.
have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Steering a course for my life.

Hey guys,
Hows it going. I do feel better...still tired.
But I have been bouncing around so much lately it isn't even funny.
I know with all of us, it feels as if our lives are in transition.
And quite frankly, when you write a blog..
You know people come to 'expect' things from you.
Things like consistency and not too much of a shaking up...
I read stephen's blog post.
I think we all get lost sometimes, regardless of our good intentions.
We want to help people..even when we are still a work in progress.
To be quite frank..I can't remember the last time I had something more than an idea floating around in my head.
Something more than things that sound good..
but had no enmeshment in my life.
When I started to lose weight.
It was to be healthy.
Somewhere along the way it morphed into all sorts of things and meanings.
When what  the meaning was and still is, is health.
I want to help women be confident.
I want to learn to defend myself.
I want to be  healthy.
I also don't want to lose myself in a cause or become grim or so focused  that I can't enjoy life.
I am finally realizing that there are things I want to spend time on, and things I don't.
For instance.
I was outside the other day gardening.
And I just kept finding things to do, because the idea of going back inside was not appealing.
I don't care if the interior of my house is showroom.
I just want a very simple place to live...a few comfortable chairs...books that matter.
A tv that works.
The computer.
A place to sleep....fluffy comforters.
Not a whole lot of stuff.
I prefer to spend my time doing things.
My living area should show that.
my life should show that.
I want my likes and loves to be represented in my life.
I don't want to slog away at the gym 6 days a week.
I will go three days because I can do that and not feel suffocated.
The other three days I would prefer to ride my bike or go for a long walk outside.
I can eat clean most days.
Somedays I want to be able to have a meal without thinking.."How many calories are in this bun?"
I mean, at this point I have a round estimate...but you catch my meaning.
I don't want my life to be a long diet.
I want to be strong, fit and healthy.
I want to be relaxed and happy.
I want to live in the moment and enjoy life.
I need to find out what that means for me.
The  balance between living freely and being responsible.
I want to simplify and clarify.
I got rid of plates today that we don't use..
I want to whittle down my closet.
I want to wear clothes that I feel comfortable in and enjoy and look pretty in..
my own style..which I have finally figured out..
I have settled on a hairstyle and hair color I like.
Most people do these things in their teen years..
me...it took me till my late 30's.
I have been finding my identity.
I couldn't even begin till I had figured out what was holding me back.
Who am I, What do I want etc.
I have things in place..
And am working on steering a course into the future.
I am going to be spending a lot of time alone.
I know what I want body wise.
I know how to eat, what to eat..what and how to exercise.
Now I want to figure out how it works in the life I want to create.
What my life is going to look like day to day.
I need to get rid of things that are hindering me and allow in things that will propel me.
And as much as I love all of you.
I have to listen to my own voice, in my own head.
So I am taking a mini bloggin break.
I will be checking my email for participants.
I will send you all your questions and accept weigh ins..
I will  be back in one week.
That will give me some real time to sit and think, to pray and to look at what I want in my life, for my life.
Hope you guys have a great night.
I will see you next week.
Chris out.


sick as a dog...and question 6

Hey guys, I won't be on the computer for a day or two..I am sick. I did send out question 6 a few days back and didn't get any responses..hope all is well with you guys.
Chris out.