I talk about many things.
I don't talk about everything.
I know I have spoken about fear.
Everytime I start going through the 150's...I have a big ball of fear...that gets bigger and bigger.
I know (I think) what causes it.
as I get closer to the 140's...I can't sleep.
It's the kind of insomnia that four sleeping pills cant knock out.
I refuse to up the dose...it's a bandage and not a cure.
I lay there till the sun rises.
Then I begin to eat...till I get to 159 to 160 and I can sleep again.
I am here again.
I can go three days losing weight, going to sleep with the pills. spend the fourth night sleepless.
eat the next three and sleep without pills.
three days losing weight etc.
I am tired of this.
I have been cleaning out my bedroom to I can move my bed.
Growing up I had a very small room.
I feel safe in a small area with my back to a wall..
and until I can start my self defense classes...I may do this.
I know this is all tied in to feeling defenseless...
reading domestic abuse stories triggers more anxiety..of course.
So I stopped doing that for now.
But I want to move forward.
My best bet is to blog here daily.
And be totally honest with my feelings.
Just like I did in the beginning.
I didn't want people to be discouraged...and so I kept silent.
Which was stupid.
I started this to help me.
I still have to help me.
So I will.
I will blog twice a day.
once in the morning about my sleeping.
once in the evening about my eating and exercise.
it's all going out there.
The only way through it is to do it.
I hope you guys can hang in there for this last ugly bit.
I don't think it's going to be very inspirational..
more like a a long slog through waist deep crap.
I have to learn to feel safe.
figure that one out.
I can't afford lessons on self defense till august..it's life, that's just the way it is..and even if I had lessons now...I don't think it makes a difference. It's in the brain.
I know I am worthwhile..I know I am a good person.
I don't call myself names.
I just don't feel safe lighter...or at night..
My husband woke me up because I was asking..'what did I do?" in my sleep.
There is probably stuff in there I don't know about....and maybe if I push through it will come to the surface?
have a great night guys.