Being completely honest....

I talk about many things.
I don't talk about everything.
I know I have spoken about fear.
Everytime I start going through the 150's...I have a big ball of fear...that gets bigger and bigger.
I know (I think) what causes it.
as I get closer to the 140's...I can't sleep.
It's the kind of insomnia that four sleeping pills cant knock out.
I refuse to up the dose...it's a bandage and not a cure.
I lay there till the sun rises.
Then I begin to eat...till I get to 159 to 160 and I can sleep again.
I am here again.
I can go three days losing weight, going to sleep with the pills. spend the fourth night sleepless.
eat the next three and sleep without pills.
three days losing weight etc.
I am tired of this.
I have been cleaning out my bedroom to I can move my bed. 
Growing up I had a very small room.
I feel safe in a small area with my back to a wall..
and until I can start my self defense classes...I may do this.
I know this is all tied in to feeling defenseless...
reading domestic abuse stories triggers more anxiety..of course.
So I stopped doing that for now.
But I want to move forward.
My best bet is to blog here daily.
And be totally honest with my feelings.
my weight.
my struggles.
Just like I did in the beginning.
I didn't want people to be discouraged...and so I kept silent.
Which was stupid.
I started this to help me.
I still have to help me.
So I will.
I will blog twice a day.
once in the morning about my sleeping.
once in the evening about my eating and exercise.
it's all going out there.
no hiding.
The only way through it is to do it.
I hope you guys can hang in there for this last ugly bit.
I don't think it's going to be very inspirational..
more like a a long slog through waist deep crap.
I have to learn to feel safe.
figure that one out.
I can't afford lessons on self defense till august..it's life, that's just the way it is..and even if I had lessons now...I don't think it makes a difference. It's in the brain.
I  know I am worthwhile..I know I am a good person.
I don't call myself names.
I just don't feel safe lighter...or at night..
I don't. 
My husband woke me up because I was asking..'what did I do?" in my sleep.
There is probably stuff in there I don't know about....and maybe if I push through it will come to the surface?
who knows.
have a great night guys.
Chris out.


E. Jane said...

This is your blog, so you don't have to write for others--only for yourself. It's your journal.

Today I had a discussion with a friend who has lost a lot of weight and is currently dealing with a lot of the same issues from her childhood.

The topic of fear came up, because both she and I have a lot of fear. What we have discovered is that many behaviors are fear based, including compulsive overeating and anger. We just don't know how to deal with the leftover fear from the past.

Keep working on this, and don't worry about what others think. This is for you...

Anonymous said...

You do whatever you need to do. We don't understand, but we're here.

Retta said...

You're right Chris.

You could buff up til you were as strong as Arnold Schwarzeneggar, and still be crippled by fear on the inside.

I think it's wise of you to realize that. And courageous of you to face it.

Along the way, you might include some time thinking about you and God, and how trust comes in to the equation. Not trust that nothing bad ever happens... it does, that's life. But trust that He will always be there and see you through, and that you CAN handle it, that you are not alone. That will help for the "now" part.

I have nuthin to offer for the "past" part. I haven't been through what you have. But I have confidence you WILL find what you need. I'm sure of that.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I'm a great example of self distructing. For weeks after your challenge I did "good" and now I'm battling the temptations and the temptations are coming up the winners. sighhhhhhhhhh
Each of us have our "own demons" . Don't beat yourself up Chris....this is "temporary."

Tammy said...

How interesting that your fear lies in the past and mine lies in the future. Proud of you for laying it all out there and facing it head on. I know you believe in God as I do. He's really the only one that can give us the strength to deal with our garbage. Just keep praying girl...you'll make it through. :)

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

You know you're right. When someone talks about this kind of stuff people do freak out a little bit. I've seen it in action some on my own blog- with what little I've been able to share...
But the truth is this blogging thing IS for you. And when you're honest it WILL help others. Others who may not have the power to share their own stuff.
The most important thing is for you to get through it yourself. FOR YOU. You are the most important factor in this, right now.
Yes, you will be better equipped to help others once this has been dealt with. But helping yourself alone is all worth it!

Robin said...

You forget about my comment on your later blog. I hadn't read this yet. Does your insurance cover therapy? I know you can't afford the lessons, but if you have decent insurance could you afford sitting down with a female therapist? Sometimes actually talking it out with a non-biased professional is the way to go. A therapist hears things we don't say as well the stuff we do. She might be able to help you. It's a thought.

If therapy is not an option, writing about it daily is a good idea. You will eventually get there. And you are wrong about this not being inspirational. It is very courageous.

bbubblyb said...

Reading your post I now feel such a high level of anxiety inside myself. I think we are so similar Chris and honestly I can't say I would ever want to remember everything. I too do the same thing with food and weight loss and the sleeping or should I say not sleeping. I look forward to reading your words as I always have. *hugs my friend*

Jo said...

Chris, it sounds as if you are making progress with the internal stuff. Just keep asking questions, getting it out somehow, discussing it, leaving it here, reaching out to those who care about you and those who can maybe suggest something you haven't thought of. I believe you're on the right track, and I admire you for sharing it here.