Answering some comments with some answers..lol.

Hey guys..
I have really been thinking.
And also cleaning alot.
I thought I would take the time out to answer some questions that kind of came as suggestions in the comments over the last couple of posts..
Thank you all for being so supportive.
It must look like a train wreck...and I appreciate anyone willing to talk as opposed to driving by slowly while getting a glimpse. lol.
First up is Pat because she had a very good and concrete suggestion.
Confront the abuser.
I live in Colorado, he in michigan...so a drive is not really in the cards..
I held up his behavior to him in the past.
But I have never done it to his face.
I did it once in a letter while stationed in germany.
I wrote down everything I could remember..which back then was less than I remember now.
(It is an onion, or was an onion...I am pretty far in at this point.)
Of course, at that point I had pretty much decided to 'let it all go' etc.
But then I realized my anger was affecting my marriage..
and I wanted to direct my anger at the right person.
This was in 1995 or 1996.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was not a nice letter.
It called him an abuser, and that I was dumping that crap back on him...
Which was my first attempt at 'letting go'.
I talked to him six months later on the phone when I went back to visit my mom.
He was talkiNG to my younger brother who said that I was there.
So he wanted to talk to me.
He went five or six minutes without mentioning this letter.
I confronted him about the letter.
silence...then "I wasn't that bad." 
That was all he had to say...I said.."If that's all, then we have nothing to say." and I hung up.
I called him a year ago and told him I forgave him.
He said "There is nothing to forgive, your mom gave as good as she got."
I said "If you are getting mugged, you fight back."
I said "That's all I called to say."
He said "I don't accept it."
Serious question...doesn't Jesus say "If they ask for forgiveness, forgive them."
And if they don't ask?
Then you forgive anyways...and it's for you..so no question.
There is nothing there I don't already know...
confronting him is like confronting a brick wall.
@Margie anne, Loretta and Val and all my Christian friends..I think letting Jesus walk into that space and take it is a great idea.  I like the symbolic idea margie anne had of wrapping it all up and taking it somewhere and setting it on fire. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows how much I like to set things on fire. lol.
Seriously, I do best with visual things...so this is something I will probably do.
@ yellow rose jasmine- reparenting...I have actually done that. It's a great thing to do for people who had crappy childhoods...my reparenting included learning to speak nicely to myself....buying myself pretty clothes and going kite flying amongst other things. Thank you though, alot of people don't know about this concept.
Loretta said that my anger may be an umbrella emotion. For years I have thought that...I did have sadness over not having a dad...I was unhappy  that I felt rejected...etc. But really, any rejection I felt about that was put to rest by the knowledge that God knew me and planned me from the foundations of the universe...that my name is written in the palm of his hand.
My father was God.
That took care of that...and I mean that 100 percent.
I have come to the conclusion that what is left now is the anger about the inability to inflict on him the pain he inflicted on others. He will never accept responsibility. I don't even want a sorry  now. I just would like him to know how it feels. But over the last two weeks I have come to the conclusion that God will take care of that. 
Val said she wanted me to get it out of my heart so I can move on...and boy howdy do I want to.\
It's another thing that angers me..that any part of this is left...this no sleeping thing.

I want to thank robin and Val for being sounding boards on this...I have needed it and they have spoken warmth and truth to me...Thank you both!
Thanks to She and Jane and Hanli and Caron, Joy and the putz. Anyone who I missed...as I reread I am sure I will come across people I missed...Than you as well. YOur words are helpful to me.

But I have to say guys...that I think a person I have never talked to before just about nailed it. This lady's name was Jenny..she left the last comment...she talked about the main issue being unpredictability.  I don't like things to change. I like my ruts.  Duane was unpredictable.  My childhood on a day to day basis was scary and unpredictable. I have done my best to make my children's lives predictable..non threatening, happy.
 I finally realized that all this 'headed for weight maintenance' is scary...Kate going to college, scary...it brought back all those feelings of things being out of kilter.  I am smaller and so feel more vulnerable.  So I am going to focus in on finding some serious routines for the next few months.  Going to the gym six days a week...getting up at a certain time, going to bed at a certain time.  Things that will ground me. 
Next thursday is my appointment about my insomnia...which will hopefully cause a referral to a psychiatrist. lol.   I only have to pay 17 dollars a visit. I know how lucky I am there.  Hopefully the person I see can put this last bit to rest and bury it.  That will be nice...and as a free service, I will be putting tips and pointers on my blog for anyone in a similar situation who doesn't have the means to go.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Awesome you and more awesome to come!

MargieAnne said...


I hear a different tone in your Bog, as though you know you are finding the way through.

I understand your plan. It's a good one. We all do things differently. I've stepped back from a lot of social interaction in the last year because I need to make space while I come to terms with certain things. This has nothing to do with depression or shame. Simply a need to protect myself for a period.

We all do what we must to restore our lives and live well.

I am looking at the photo of the old you. What a long way you have come. You've done a great job of releasing the real you.


Jenny said...

Hi Chris -- just to let you know that I read your blog all the time but usually don't comment because I don't normally think I can be helpful. Glad I was, a little. I hope the doctor helps. You're in my prayers.

Hanlie said...

I read a post elsewhere recently about waiting for the other shoe to drop (I think it was Karen CL Anderson) and your story reminds me of that. And yes, I think that your daughters imminent departure is playing a huge role in bringing all your fears and memories out - change is scary after all and this is a big change. I do know that you will figure it out though. You are solution orientated and resourceful.

Val said...

Wow - he sounds like he has a lot in common w/my ex, who can rewrite history at a moment's notice to suit his (nefarious) purposes...

Christine said...

@ val, it seems to be a 'thing' with abusers...complete and utter disregard for reality or truth. I find it amazing as well. But then, they have to do that..if they were to admit what big Aholes they are, they wouldn't be able to live with themselves.

Robin said...

I am glad that you found so much value in what everyone had to say. You never know when you post if there is a nugget of anything good in there or not. And I hope that what we sounded off about on sleep is helping. If not, you might try a meditation CD to play. It is something else I do when I cannot sleep because I can't get my inner voice to shut up or my head noise to quiet down. By forcing myself to listen to the meditation CD it relaxes me and knocks me out (as in allows me to sleep). LOL. The CD keeps you focused on a visual and doesn't let your mind drift to troubling thoughts. It is very peaceful. Something else to think about....

Kyra said...

I'm new here, just kind of reading through a bit... it sounds like you are really shaking things up in your life (and that's a good thing.) Confronting issues, people, changes, the coming changes - all scary stuff, but you know what? A lot of people choose to not think about the tough stuff, not face it, and find ways to numb and ignore it instead. It takes a brave person to do what you're doing, even if it feels frustrating or impossible while you're in the middle of it.

Anyway, just taking a moment here to point out something I hope you're pointing out to yourself on a daily basis? How brave you are to not choose the easy, numb path, and to choose the dynamic one instead.

lili said...

what you write makes me really really wanting to believe in God.

outdoor.mom said...

thinking of you..... glad you are working through a lot of feelings. We are complex people aren't we?