Hey all,
I had a stream of conciousness thing going for about a week now.
It's been a week since I found out a little girl named Daisy has had her cancer return for the third time.
Since then, it's been a time of me repeatedly asking why of God.
Which I really don't think God minds...
But what I am really asking is why God allows awful people to run around for years wreaking havoc.
Hurting people.
Sucking up oxygen.
And Good people like daisy.
Who has a heart for God as big as anything..who is positive...who is wanted and loved and would someday (from what I have seen of her seven year old spirit) Make a fantastic person.
I realized the depth of my disappointment at not only her rediagnosis..
But all the seeming injustice.
That was when I realized that apart from things I wanted for my children...
This was really the first thing I had ever really wanted for someone else and for me...or a thing I had allowed myself to want.
As I stated yesterday...emotion was not 'allowed'.
Really, If I think about it...hope wasn't allowed.
This was the bastard that had us throw all our Christmas toys out the window and break them one Christmas because we 'didn't deserve them.'
God, just writing that is something else.
I can't believe this asshole exists.
We all learned to keep everything under lock and key...every emotion..every expression of want or need or anything.
And DAisy's health was the first thing I had ever really petitioned God for, apart from the health of my own kids.
By petition I mean I prayed...for hours.
There are some people you see that you just know are special.
And today I was overcome by sadness again, and anger that this could happen to such a special little girl.
I know life isn't fair.
And I know life here is temporary, and we are all going to die.
I know God sometimes says no.
Because if life was fair...Duane wouldn't be on the right side of the dirt sucking up oxygen while a good person fights for their life.
I have not allowed myself to hope for anything...ever.
My default position is expect the worst.
And while I was thinking of this again today...I finally realized that any life on this earth is given meaning by the people who are touched by it...
What meaning will Duane's life have...well, apart from destruction..not much.
What meaning will Daisy's life have?
Alot if her family, and her friends and all the people who have read her story and watched her struggle have anything to say.
She defines courage for me.
I realize that I have never had a dream for myself..not one.
Everything up till now has been a result of either what I have had happen to me..
or a determination of what WASN'T going to happen...
But I have never dreamed something wonderful for me.
It's always about others...
about my girls or my parents.
or Daisy.
Why don't I pick a dream for me?
Yes it's good to help young ladies..
But maybe I should dream of a life I want...maybe places I want to travel.
Set a goal...achieve it.
Live life fully because I am lucky to be alive and to have it..
Not only to help others but to enjoy living.
A person who hurts and defiles should never have more effect than a person who inspires and loves.
That would be the true injustice.
I am feeling everything moving.
I thought about Jesus today.
Why love has to triumph over hate.
Why forgiveness has to triumph over vengeance.
Why you can't kill or destroy and instead have to forgive.
When everything in you wants to hurt as you were hurt.
Wants to take as you were taken from..
When you want that other person to really understand.....to make them feel what you felt.
But you know it won't bring anything back to you.
It won't take away what happened.
Just like evil people dying won't save Daisy.
Hate creates hate.
Love creates love.
The only way to kill hate is to love it away.
I am just going to have to learn how to hope and love and feel and accept the pain that comes with it.
I am afraid of hoping, and I am afraid of letting people in and caring.
But if I go through life that way...I have wasted life.
I ate well and exercised well.
sleep was more difficult last night..
But it came eventually.
Have a great night guys.
The song in the side bar...I have been hearing on the radio...the line that struck me was "Would you break my heart till it moves my hands and feet.'
My heart has felt broken lately...maybe now I will move.
chris out.
10 comments:
One of the hardest questions ever.
I haven't found an answer, if there is one.
I'm sorry about Daisy. Children should never have to suffer.
Hugs and Blessings.
Truthfully....I don't even think the" Pope" could explain those injustices to my satisfaction!
If you can.....CONFRONT that SOB.
Heard this is the "best medicine."
(((hugs)))Pat
Wow Chris! I don't know Daisy, but just by hearing her story, it propels me to want to live life fuller! Her story changes my life and I'm sure many others lives.
Keep focused!
I so share your frustration and sadness concerning the strange imbalance of the suffering for people who demonstrate nothing but love and goodness in this life.
We don't get to earn a good life with certainty and yet must be grateful and willing to live what life we get to its fullest.
I do hope that questioning within you will result in beautiful aspirations for yourself. You deserve them.
I think I never lost hope completely simply because I am so dang hard headed. I just had to get my revenge in a constructive way and you know what they say about living well...
Find something that you wouldn't have dared to dream previously, maybe something that scares you a little and do it! Your ability to give yourself what you want will affect the others you love positively. And most importantly, will give you a feeling of freedom that is beyond what you might imagine.
A person who hurts and defiles should never have more effect than a person who inspires and loves.
This line jumped out at me from your blog. Think of the most inspirational people you know. The most inspirational people I know have been hurt and defiled and risen above. They endured the worst and chose love. It is what made their ability to love so amazing. It is what made everything they did so incredible. If they hadn't had that horrible experience to "rise above" their ability to still show love wouldn't mean quite so much. Their ability to forgive wouldn't be so compelling. Anyone can forgive the little things. It is forgiving the BIG stuff that is impressive.
And, so I say to you, everyone had their place. Overcoming the worst situations makes us better. And no one knows what good will happen because of Daisy. It is impossible to say how many lives she will touch in her life. The change she will incite. The one thing I do know: no life is worthless. We all bring something to the table.
preacher chris, god is going to continue to bless you for your kind heart<,.yep yes he is<><>you like a good teacher have stirred in me "the putz, david h barlow"srtong emotions toward goodness, and maybe that is why daisy lived and i am sure for maybe many other purposes as well as duane actually does also
Very moving, Chris. And right on the button, I believe.
Lots of people don't understand. They think meeting hate with hate will "release" them, or make it better. Nope... keeps us chained and connected to the evil doer forever.
Until we sever that connection by the power of forgiveness. Power... great power.
And the Power of Love. Again, people think it's wimpy. But it's the most powerful thing there is. Courageous, strong, life-changing. Able to overcome any evil, and allow LIFE to explode into those who are touched by it, who are open to it.
Oh Chris, trust that you can dream, and handle anything that comes with going for your dreams.
Our lives will only rise to the level of our dreams. If we only focus on what we do NOT want, we are earthbound to that negativity, that fear. But if we connect to a God-given Dream, we can soar! We really can rise UP out of that crappy past, and have all that "stuff" be used as fertilizer to help birth our future!
Sorry to be so longwinded... I am excited for you. I believe you have gotten hold of a powerful truth now, and as you let go of the past, and reach for your future, it's going to be amazing!! Not easy, but amazing. :-)
I've been praying God would fill you with Wisdom... and holy cow, did He ever!
PS: I can't explain the injustices, either. So one of my favorite verses is in Psalms 147..."Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit."
I like that because even if *I* don't understand, I can trust the HE does.
And I love Ps 73, where Asaph is lamenting the injustices, where the evil people seem to be getting away with it. Yet in verses 16-17, he gets it: "When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny."
We can trust that in the end, God is just. It'll all be made right.
Poor Daisy, I never understand that stuff either. It makes me feel sad to see you say your heart has felt broken lately. Yes, you do need to dream for yourself too. I would love to hear where you would like to go traveling :) I know for myself just going out in the sunshine and seeing all God has created makes my heart happy again :)
I'm so sorry I didn't see this post sooner. I'm sorry you had to live like that. Please message me if you EVER need to talk.
I seem to have missed a lot. Here's a psalm that addresses some of what this post holds. Psalm 73. Best to read it in a modern translation like New Living Translation.
Prayers for you.
Now to see if I can navigate that double word thing. If you don't see this comment, you know I couldn't decipher it. :{ Haha, of course, if you don't see this, yo won't know I tried...
Post a Comment