I had a stream of conciousness thing going for about a week now.
It's been a week since I found out a little girl named Daisy has had her cancer return for the third time.
Since then, it's been a time of me repeatedly asking why of God.
Which I really don't think God minds...
But what I am really asking is why God allows awful people to run around for years wreaking havoc.
Sucking up oxygen.
And Good people like daisy.
Who has a heart for God as big as anything..who is positive...who is wanted and loved and would someday (from what I have seen of her seven year old spirit) Make a fantastic person.
I realized the depth of my disappointment at not only her rediagnosis..
But all the seeming injustice.
That was when I realized that apart from things I wanted for my children...
This was really the first thing I had ever really wanted for someone else and for me...or a thing I had allowed myself to want.
As I stated yesterday...emotion was not 'allowed'.
Really, If I think about it...hope wasn't allowed.
This was the bastard that had us throw all our Christmas toys out the window and break them one Christmas because we 'didn't deserve them.'
God, just writing that is something else.
I can't believe this asshole exists.
We all learned to keep everything under lock and key...every emotion..every expression of want or need or anything.
And DAisy's health was the first thing I had ever really petitioned God for, apart from the health of my own kids.
By petition I mean I prayed...for hours.
There are some people you see that you just know are special.
And today I was overcome by sadness again, and anger that this could happen to such a special little girl.
I know life isn't fair.
And I know life here is temporary, and we are all going to die.
I know God sometimes says no.
Because if life was fair...Duane wouldn't be on the right side of the dirt sucking up oxygen while a good person fights for their life.
I have not allowed myself to hope for anything...ever.
My default position is expect the worst.
And while I was thinking of this again today...I finally realized that any life on this earth is given meaning by the people who are touched by it...
What meaning will Duane's life have...well, apart from destruction..not much.
What meaning will Daisy's life have?
Alot if her family, and her friends and all the people who have read her story and watched her struggle have anything to say.
She defines courage for me.
I realize that I have never had a dream for myself..not one.
Everything up till now has been a result of either what I have had happen to me..
or a determination of what WASN'T going to happen...
But I have never dreamed something wonderful for me.
It's always about others...
about my girls or my parents.
Why don't I pick a dream for me?
Yes it's good to help young ladies..
But maybe I should dream of a life I want...maybe places I want to travel.
Set a goal...achieve it.
Live life fully because I am lucky to be alive and to have it..
Not only to help others but to enjoy living.
A person who hurts and defiles should never have more effect than a person who inspires and loves.
That would be the true injustice.
I am feeling everything moving.
I thought about Jesus today.
Why love has to triumph over hate.
Why forgiveness has to triumph over vengeance.
Why you can't kill or destroy and instead have to forgive.
When everything in you wants to hurt as you were hurt.
Wants to take as you were taken from..
When you want that other person to really understand.....to make them feel what you felt.
But you know it won't bring anything back to you.
It won't take away what happened.
Just like evil people dying won't save Daisy.
Hate creates hate.
Love creates love.
The only way to kill hate is to love it away.
I am just going to have to learn how to hope and love and feel and accept the pain that comes with it.
I am afraid of hoping, and I am afraid of letting people in and caring.
But if I go through life that way...I have wasted life.
I ate well and exercised well.
sleep was more difficult last night..
But it came eventually.
Have a great night guys.
The song in the side bar...I have been hearing on the radio...the line that struck me was "Would you break my heart till it moves my hands and feet.'
My heart has felt broken lately...maybe now I will move.