In the spirit of a confessional...& my first time..

Hey all,
I have a weigh in tomorrow.
I have a feeling (prodded by the scale) that my weight loss this month wasn't so hot.
As you know, I was less that motivated the first two weeks of February for reasons I understand now.
It led to a lot of 1600-1700 calories a day.  I kept up my exercise.....if my weight this morning holds and my calculations are correct, then my daily deficit is around 650 calories a day.

Which is pretty good and directly attributable to my exercise, not my food consumption.

That being said...My last four days since I "figured things out"....have been much better.

Today I ate as clean as I could.
I ate yogurt and peaches and honey for breakfast. 330 cal.
I ate tuna w/ light miracle whip on whole grain bread 310 cal.
For dinner
I had
A 6 oz. sweet potato with one tablespoon of butter, one cup of walnuts and one table spoon of brown sugar.
490 cal.
I had one cup of coffee today....110 cal.
Total calories today 1240 cal.
I wanted to leave 200 cal. for a snack in case I get hungry.
I didn't want to  drink a diet coke tonight before bed...I think it's causing water retention.
I drank a ton of water....

And the best bit of news from today...

I jogged.
3 miles
No joke.
I would like to thank the dude from running on the white line...
Which is a blog I have on my blog roll.
He is an ultra marathoner....
or a mega distance runner...
Because I think you could say my success today was partially attributable to him.
I have been watching his running videos online.
He runs 'barefoot'....or with minimal gear.
He runs in vibrams.
As soon as I saw the video about heel strikes vs. the ball of the foot strikes...I identified exactly what it was I DIDN'T like about running. That jarring jolt as your heel collides with the cement.
I used to run all the time as a kid.
barefoot...through the woods.
Down the dirt road.
So today, I thought....I will try jogging, but while making sure that I don't "jounce up and down' and I keep my gate smooth, and I watch my stride to ensure that I hit with the outside front of my foot to alleviate jarring and pressure on my knees. Now I just have these New balance, so it's hard to really feel where my foot is coming down. 
Well, with all of that and focusing on keeping my breathing even...I looked up and was half a mile down the road.
So I just kept going.
Then I got to the end...stopped and stretched and realized that the way back was all.down.hill.
I thought "I bet I can jog that."
So, I did.
Slooooowly, while doing what I did above.
I did get tired near the end and could feel my form falling apart...but I pulled it back in.
That was the first time I have run since I was in the army...that far.
Three miles.
Whatever it says tomorrow...
Today was the true measure of how far I have come.
Hope you all had a great day.
Your barefoot jogger blogger.


You look fantastic...and my big blog giveaway....

And I have no doubt YOU do...
I recieved a nice compliment from a man today who wasn't related to me, or my husband.
He said "You have lost a ton of weight, you look fantastic'
My fantabulous response?
"oh well, I still have forty pounds to lose."

Good one Chris.
What I should have said was "I need to work on accepting compliments with grace..."
He wasn't flirting, he wasn't being a flatterer...he was just complimenting me on my hard work.
I need to work on not being flustered by it...
It doesnt matter if it's my mom, my friend or a relative stranger.
I am pretty sure "Thank you' would suffice.
on to my big blog giveaway....
The first recipe I am going to try is:
Moroccan stewed chicken by seattlerunnergirl.

I have always wanted to try couscous.
Then I will try outdoor mom's...
then melissas taco soup...and I think there were one or two others who had said they had recipes on their blog site...
So here goes.
I already have the chicken and couscous.
Thanks for the responses.

I need all the help I can get.
Tonight I had a tuna melt for dinner...

I had veggie soup for lunch.
I had three eggs and a piece of toast for b fast and an orange for a snack.

I'd like to say I was "whole foods" but it's really just that I lack imagination.
Hope all of you are doing well.
I am off to read the blogs.
Take care...

p10 update wk 8 and one new fact....

Hey all,
This week was good.
I haven't been getting my water but I have been getting my exercise...
The fact that things aren't moving is proof positive I haven't had my water..
tmi...oh well...you all will live. lol.
There is a new developement on the coffee front.
I can take it or leave it.
I didn't have any yesterday...today I had half a cup.
This is huge for me.
I started drinking coffee when I was 12 years old.
I don't think there has been a day that I haven't drank coffee.
I did all three days of situps...
upper body..one day...again.
I loathe lifting.
I can cardio till the sun goes down...I didn''t miss a day this last week.
lift weights.
It's not even meh...it's a kind of a growing antipathy..
I'd rather do a pushup.
I would rather hit a bag.
lifting weights feels very artificial to me.
Kind of like walking on a treadmill...or even doing the elliptical.
Right now the elliptical is a necessary evil....
But I think I am starting to develop a kind of philosophy regarding exercise...
(wow, i didn't think I was going here in this particular blog)
Okay then...
here's a fact about me....
I don't like anything in my house that isn't functional.
That just "takes up space'...
unless it's art.
That is for my walls.
Art is art for arts sake.
Art is an exterior expression of the inner man...or the divine essence of the soul.
Everything else should find  it's beauty in it's function.
Which is why my body was so out of whack.
I had diverted my body from it's natural operation to support my psychological need for safety.
Which was in the end, was why my body didn't function properly.
I didn't allow it to.
I abused it....for a misguided purpose.
wow, okay...back on track.
I feel like lifting weights is an artificial use of my body..
Don't get me wrong..it serves a purpose...just like my ellipticalling serves a purpose.
To burn fat, to build muscle...but to what end?
To increase the functionality of my body.
To increase health...to live life to my fullest.
When I lift...I don't really feel like it's 'time well spent'.
Where as when I do cardio, I am burning fat.
I would rather do kickboxing and build muscle that way...
or take a self defense class and build muscle that way.
or cycle...and build muscle that way...or walk or hike or swim.
Things that can protect me, propel me or save me.
Or even line dancing...
not functional, but it does help you enjoy life while exercising.
I want things that build my spirit.
Not just my body.

I am on track with my perfect 10 goals.
I feel pretty good about all of it.
I got a bunch of 14's today..now I fit into a size 14 my friend amber gave me...but she said they were big, so I thought it was kind of a fluke.
well, I got a ton of size 14's from the same lady who gave the last set of clothes.
They all fit.
The dress, the three pair of jeans and the shorts...with room to spare.
I am around 172/173 in the mornings...so I guess so.
Size 14...Normal.
I am only about 3 lbs away now from 'overweight.'
I am looking forward to crossing that thresh hold.
oh, and speaking of art for arts sake....
I wanted to pop up and say something about johnny weir, the figure skater.
At some point in the configuration of time...we are going to have to learn to accept people for who they are.
I love Johnny's exuberance and flair for life.
I love his skating...and he IS an athlete...I don't care how Gay he is.
If we on the conservative side of the aisle want people to be judged on the merits...on their talent alone..on their aptitudes, skills and abilities. If we want people to put up or shut up and keep everything else to themselves..then Johnny should be our poster boy....the door needs to swing both ways. He is an excellent skater.  Whatever he chooses to wear, and however he chooses to express himself.
Go Team USA.
Chris out...


So if you're tired of the same old story.....

As soon as you are able..
woman I am willing..
to make the break that we are on the brink of.....

So, I was at the gym today...flipping through my little arm band radio..
lamenting the sad decline of modern rock...when what should I happen upon but this little classic.
Roll with the changes...reo speedwagon.

As soon as you are able..
woman I am willing..
to make the break that we are on the brink of.....

Wow, more needed words were never sung....
 It really connected with me in the last five minutes of my seemingly endless workout.
(in which I burned 728 calories and did 200 body numbing situps..whoot!)

I am around 172.
I am ready to bust through this chubby chick persona.
I have gone from morbidly obese...
to obese...
now I am hanging on the edge (right on the brink) of overweight.
I give a rats *ss If I am afraid...it doesn't change anything.
Keeping myself fat won't keep me safe.
Keeping myself inoffensive and less than I am...it won't work.
I am tired of this 'story'.
The story of Chris as a victim.
The story of Chris (love talking about myself in the third person...it's not at all pretentious..lol)
Bob dole anyone...Goodness, can't even  hold on to serious me in a serious post.
Sometimes I think I think too much..
the story of Chris as less than, mediocre, settling....
I am ready to finish it..
How bout you?

I am thirty pounds from normal.
A new normal.
Not a new normal, a new fantastic me who can conquer anything...

So I am tired of the same old story....
I'm ready to turn a couple of pages.

How about you?
Are you ready?
Are you willing?
Are you ABLE?
Let's go.

Your rolling blogger,
(who is going to post the recipes she will be trying tomorrow....)


On my march to victory...a feeling of impending doom.

Hello all,
Well, howdy doody,
I have spent the last two weeks in a kind of funk that is (or was) hard to explain.
You see...I am doing great...fan frickin tastic.
This weight loss thing is just a chug chug chuggin along.
Then all the sudden, two weeks ago...I started getting knots in my stomach all the time.
A feeling of impending doom.
I thought 'something' was going to happen.
Heck, I don't know.
meteor from the sky....randomly pecked to death by angry ducks...
could be anything.

But it ISN'T.
OR wasn't.
you know what i mean.
It was this
(excerpt from 8/31/09 of my weight loss journey)

When I weighed myself on May 18th, I was 262.4 lbs., I was 33 lbs heavier than ever before.
When I saw 229 tonight, I realized that instead of feeling defeated, I felt victorious. It's amazing what a change of mind can do. I am now on my way to under 200. I feel nervous.

Wait, hold the phone...
I feel nervous?
That post was written by me...I was in a great mood.. I was on my way.

This is why I am always talking about the mental...how it can sneak up on you...

Now where did that phrase come from?
I know where...I figured it out not long after...
you see, I was approaching 200...somewhere along the road of life, in my mind, I had convinced myself that all my fat was keeping me safe.
I had an abusive homelife growing up...I was approaching a milestone.  When I would no longer be over 200....I could see it from where I was standing..
I knew I had a grip on it...and a feeling of unease was growing.
And then TWO DAYS LATER, every nasty ugly memory reared it's ugly head one night lying in bed....I spent one full day in bed trying to deal with it instead of eat it...It took me three full days TO CRAWL OUT OF THAT PIT.

Here is a couple days later in my weight loss journey...
"Hello, back from the pit and ready to go. I spent three hours tonight riding around and passing by burger joints, mexican restaurants and chinese takeout,making deals with myself. Eat and you can start again tomorrow. Just this once, medicate yourself with food. Then I would say , "No, pass it up there will be another one". Finally I talked myself into going home by saying, "you can have whatever you want, but you are going to have to cook it yourself". I got home and said to my husband, "I am going on a walk." I walked three miles, in the dark, to the end of our road and back. I didn't take a knife, just my tennis shoes. I came home and ate a meal within my calorie budget. This last week would have been the sort of thing, in the past, that would have put my diet and exercise into a death spiral. The night after I wrote about working in that caboose and figuring out that it wasn't really my home and those choices weren't my choices triggered all these memories. I couldn't sleep because they would flood back in when I closed my eyes. Screaming and the whole nine yards."

and then this bit...

"I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt."


my psyche knew what was coming...
my conscious mind did not...

I am about 35 pounds or so from dead center normal...
I won't have any thing to cover me anymore....I will be tiny....and part of me fears...
you see...as smart as I think I am, It snuck up on me again.
I thought I had this thing...I thought that hump back in September was it...
well, guess what...It isn't.
What is still there...but better managed.
The fear.
This is why it's good to stop and see what is going on up there in your noggin.
Why suddenly do I want to hoover the fridge.
Why the fear.
Why the sense of impending doom....
I feel vulnerable.

So now, I have to fix that.
I will be calling the defense institute tomorrow and asking about their programs.
This in and of itself is making me nervous.
The idea of hitting or being hit.
I tried to go to krav maga but they seem to have closed down.
I need to feel able to defend myself to break past this mental barrier.
I ate a big *ss chocolate bar last night before I finally figured out what the deal was...
It happens to the most committed.
If you don't pay attention....you will slide back.
If I don't pay attention....my past wins. My fat wins.
I lose.



the vagina monologues....

back from b & n.
I just wanted to pop in and say how disappointing I find most romance novels these days.
This will be a quick rant for the two or three people on my blog list that actually read these....
Can you (meaning romance writers of America)

Please Stop:

1.) Making everyone a LORD, A VISCOUNT, or a DUKE.
At this point, I am wondering who is actually doing the work in 1800's England.
I think women as a whole can like a hero who isn't nobility...we marry them everyday.
Good brother people....the whole frickin' country can't be peerage.

2.) Making them vampires, werewolves and other sundry strange, mysterious or fey creatures.
I start getting into a story and pop...out come the fangs.  Or, heaven forfend it's a werewolf....
Then the only image I actually have in my head, is them having a litter somewhere down the road.
I know there are 'trends' in romantic fiction...but someone please hop off this bandwagon because I think a full moon is coming....

Here are some real life examples....
Fielding Grey ( a viscount of course) sounds like a horse..of course.

Chase Eversea ( NOT A LORD.... which SHOULD be an improvement.) But unfortunately, his occupation as a sea captain makes this otherwise acceptable name, seem more like an "Oh my gosh! My deadline is coming up, and I JUST DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR MY HERO so QUICK, what is his occupation.....Chase ever sea.....

MINA MASTERS....Um this is the heroine's NAME....you can take it where you want to. Namely to a James Bond flick..

Reine Pingre- Go ahead, pronounce it...I dare you.

Akira Neish  ????????what??????????? (this is an historical, not a sci fi /time travel.)

And last, but certainly not least...as I could go on all day... the ignobly named...

A heroine after our own heart...who is searching nobly for her destiny and is (as such) aptly named.

4.) The names of the books....they ALL seeeeeem to have a familiar ring to them.
Firstly there is the:
LORD OF PLEASURE. (I guess there would have to be considering how many lords are gallivanting around bonny old England)
Who then- in time- becomes
LORD LIBERTINE by gail ranstrom ( I am venturing to guess, not HER real name EITHER...) .
Now I am not saying this is a book series, I am just saying that to only wallow in pleasure, can in time, make you a libertine..).
then we have the elemental Lords...

Not to be outdone, someone came up with the clever title...
Then you have:
PIRATE LORD by sabrina jeffries
LORD OF SCOUNDRELS (Well, makes sense...again....there is a lord of pleasure so why not)
There is LORD CAREW'S BRIDE (Who she is, we have no clue...)
And to wrap this lord fest up....let us not forget the MADNESS OF LORD IAN MACKENZIE...
Which seems to me to be the most straight forward title in the host of lords thusfar presented.

Lordy Lordy.....

I should write one...a romance novel...
It can't be that hard....I just need a good title...
I know...
Lord of Passion....
Now I just need a name for the girl...after all, I don't really have to name him and his flaring nostrils.
I just have to make him a mildly britishy viscount.
So, Viscount Britishton meets spunky and unconventional
Prudence Mayhew....
She is being forced to wed a nasty brute,  when at the last moment she loses her virginity to Viscount Britishton (aka The lord of Passion) one night during a scandalous game of bridge.
They have their one night of passion, but fearing her precious freedom will be stripped from her (like her petticoat of the night before).
Prudence prudently flees the continent....by stowing away on a frigate bound for India.
Little knowing that Viscount Britishton is also aboard. Because, not only is he a viscount, he is also an impossibly wealthy shipping magnate. And bound by his love for the land of his birth, and his undeniable sense of  duty, he has also offered his services as a spy for the foreign office in his spare time.
What follows is a swashbuckling tale of Prudence and Passion...

There, now I'm a millionaire.
Rant over.
Have a great night folks.
Your romantical blogger,
Christina oursler O' Dare

Blog vacay....

Hey all,
heading off to barnes and nobles for a mental and physical break....
before I break.
This month is loooonnnnng no matter how short it should be.
Going to read a trashy novel.
Hope everyone is having a good day.


cleaning up around the edges...

Hey all,
Well, had a pretty good day. I made it to the gym.
I did an hour on my elliptical and burned 708 calories.
Then I did 150 situps, instead of 200...mostly cause I thought I was going to throw up.
There is a stomach bug going around, I hope I haven't caught it.
Hope all is going well with you.
This week I am going to try and 'clean up around the edges'.
I am going to eat only at prepared meals...
no in between snacking.
I will measure everything, no guesstimating.
I will exercise every day.
No waffling.
One clean week...it usually leads to another.
My official weigh in is on March 1rst.
I am hoping to hit 172 for a clear 90 lb loss.
I think I am pretty much there...I just want to make sure all my I's are dotted and t's are crossed.
I am in the low 170's as of a few days ago.
175 at night...even lower in the morning.
That means that I am not only closing in on 90 lbs lost,
but I am also closing in on the overweight as opposed to obese catagory.
In a few more pounds (at 169) I am technically overweight.
Having been obese now for years and years.
It will feel awesome to be able to officially call myself merely chubby, and mean it.
The last time I was in the low 170's was in 1997 or so. When I lost 21 lbs and went from 179 to 156...only to regain it because I got frustrated that it wasn't going fast enough.
I lost 21 pounds in three months.

I know.

Ridiculously childish on my part.
And self destructive to boot.

With a few more years under my belt and a whole lot more experience with waiting...
this time is different.

I will get to 156 again....and I will keep going.
Because this doesn't end once I hit my goal of 132...its all about maintaining.
Its about consistency.
It's about the rest of my life.
And also....
I am only 35 lbs from a normal bmi....
35 lbs.
I remember looking at fat free me in the 170's (she has since hit her goal) and being unable to imagine what it would be like to be in the 170's....
I see melissa from that whole knitting and running (sorry, can't remember the whole she bang...good web site though) and she is so thin...I can't imagine being that thin.

Luckily my weighing 132 lbs doesn't require imagination.
Just persistence.
I will get there and so will you.
It is just a matter of time, patience and being consistent....
Nothing too sexy about it...
have a great night all....
Keep on going.


Do what is necessary

Hey all,
How are you all doing?
Good I hope.
I did a 3.2 mile walk today and ate 1735 calories.
In reality I was supposed to have a high calorie day yesterday....I didn't want to.
I settled for a maintenance day today.
Mostly because I want to be well in the 160's by my birthday (on march 17th).
I have become a lot more consistent in the last two weeks.
January and the beginning of February were real struggles in the' little bites' category...
You know what I mean.
A little bite of this...A little bite of that.
I weight 175 AT NIGHT.
Which means I am a full 25 lbs away from 200.
For me it's like moving away from the scene of a crime.
A crime against my body.
I heard someone say the other day...or write the other day...I don't know which...
That You don't do what you can to achieve what you want...you do what is necessary.
What is the difference.
Well...there's what you think you can do....and then there is what you CAN do.
Like, before I hiked 22 miles with a hundred pound ruck sack, I didn't think I could.
after....I knew I could.
Why did I even attempt it.
Because it was necessary.
Necessary to graduate basic.
It's the same way someone runs miles in a tragic accident...
or cuts their arm off with a dull swiss army knife without benefit of anesthesia.
Sometimes we have to do what is necessary.
What is necessary for me to continue to lose weight, is for me to continue to say no to things I THINK I want, in the moment. Things like a cookie, or a piece of pizza.
Things like taking the day off from the gym. Not because there is anything wrong with me...but because I don't FEEL like it.
I am fifty fifty most days going to the gym.
Luckily, I don't rely on my feelings to get me there.
I have a car.
Your body does what you tell it to.
Make this journey towards health a necessity.
Like food
Or water...
or breathing.
Because it is necessary.

signing off,
Your tired blogger,


Honest scrap....and other stuff.

Ha haaaaaaa...finally. A picture of me and the top of my dress.

Hello all,
I have recieved the honest scrap award before...but never from Sue so It's special.
I decided to combine my honest scrap thing with an idea I got from my husband...so here goes..


The ten best list...
These will be things I deem important lol.


1.) Best Meal ever:

The red coachmen In Niagara falls.
My husband and I went there on our move from Massachusetts to Colorado.
Tim had an aged prime rib...I had trout stuffed with sage.
IT was the best everything...best food, best bread best atmosphere...best meal ever. IT was also the priciest meal ever...180 dollars for two meals.
Worth every bite. Sometimes the experience means more than the money.

2.) Okay...Best sleep ever...

My best sleep comes courtesy once again, of the military.
I got out of basic training and Ait...(I didn't do the break in the middle...)
I had gotten practically no sleep for about 3 and a half months.
I got home to Michigan. I went to bed on friday night and woke up Sunday at around 10 am.
My mom said she kept checking on me to see if I was breathing lol.
Well, I woke up and couldn't believe where I was...because I had a dream in basic while I was on guard duty while on ftx in the woods...I was laying in a prone position..(those former army people will understand) I had blanks and I was supposed to be 'guarding' our camp.
well, while in prone I went to sleep...those in the army will understand that as well..you get to the point you can sleep standing up, upside down or on your head.
In my dream, I dreampt I was back home in my bed with the autumn leaves fluttering outside the windows.
Well, when I actually woke up back in Michigan..I had a thought like "uh oh...I am in basic, I am dreaming and I had better wake up before I get nailed for sleeping while on guard duty.
very confusing...but the best sleep of my life.

3.) best cup of coffee....
When my husband and I were dating...we went to a restaurant called Mom's place in myrtle beach.
The food was craptastic. But the coffee was so awesome I will never forget it.
Tim and I joked that they spent all their money on the coffee.
If I remember correctly it was a columbian italian blend that they roasted and ground themselves.
so, worst food..best coffee...myrtle beach.

4.) Best romantic moment made for a movie
You see, I know how you all work.
I want the hands down....no holds barred...most romantic thing that has ever happened to you. Don't try to come up with the one thing your wonderful but not so romantic spouse did....we all know he/she is the love of your life....having a wonderfully outside of time romantic moment does not detract from that...
I don't care if it was a three eyed sloth from uzbekistan. The sheer romanticalness of the moment is what I am looking for.

So, Best romantic moment made for a movie...
After Ait on the way back to Michigan (before I ever met my husband ) I caught a cab with five other recruits back to St. Louis Missouri so we wouldn't have to take a bus trip.
When we got to ST. Louis, the guy I was kind of seeing, kind of just friends with (Brian Mcelroy) and I went to a little restaurant to have some dinner.
We were having a really good time talking...We must have been there for over an hour. There was us and a few other couples in the small diner.
They had a jukebox in the corner. Without telling me what he was doing... He got up, walked over to the jukebox....found a song he liked and put it on...to tell the truth, I can't remember what it was....something about texas. He moved four or five tables out of the way, then held his hand out and asked me to dance with him, (there was no dance floor) When I said..."everyone is staring"....he said "That's because your the most beautiful girl in the room"
holy toledo...
everyone should have a moment like that.

5.) Best return to childhood moment....
Okay, now....why I love my husband so much.
I had a crap childhood.
I never flew a kite.
When Tim found out I had never flown a kite...he took me down to topsail beach in North carolina and taught me how to fly a kite.
It was beautiful and I can still remember the sea and the seagulls...we were completely alone.
It filled a hole I didn't know I had.

6.) Best moment of your life (apart from having your children or getting married)
Hands down, these are the best moment of everyone's life...and so to avoid a litany of the same answers....I want the best moment of your life apart from that.

Mine....Going to paris and standing on top of the arche de triomphe on the champs de elysee at night and looking out in all directions and saying to myself over and over..remember this...remember this...remember this.
Just beautiful, I can still see the sacre coeur in the distance....white and beautiful.
I couldn't believe I was there.

7.) Best moment of revenge.
I was in the army...I was six months pregnant and was still a truck driver.
I was picking up spec ops students from a land navigation course...they had to pick up garbage that day. So I asked them to take it with them when they got out of the truck. You see, that weekend was a four day weekend...and I was heading to massachussets to see Tim (we had been seperated for a few months cause he got sent to his permanant party ahead of me) So I was going to drive drive drive to spend just two days with him and then drive like a demon back to be there in time for formation on Tuesday.
So, I get back to the motorpool...and look in the back of the truck...not only did they not take their garbage with them...they had ripped the bags open and kicked the garbage everywhere.
I don't think there has been but one time since that I have been that angry.
I still remember Sergeant Kelly telling me "Carpenter, I will help you pick it all up..." (It was one in the morning)
I said "That's okay, SGt. Kelly, you go on home and be with your wife...." (He never got time off..and she was pregnant...besides that, I had a little something planned)
He said "Your not going to do anything are you?"
I said, "What would I do...."
He just looked at me and then left.
It took me two hours to package all that crap back up into garbage bags.
When I did...I pulled my ford explorer into the motor pool parking lot.
I filled it up with- oh about 35 bags of garbage.
It was in the front seat, back seat...piled to the cielings.
I drove back out to Camp McCall, where I had dropped those little pigs earlier.
I took out every bag of garbage, kicked it open and made the biggest mess you can imagine.
I went home, caught a few hours of sleep...went and saw Tim. It was the fourth of July Weekend.
On Tuesday, I got called into the first seargents office.
He was all "Carpenter, did you take that garbage back out to Camp McCall...
I say, "Yes."
He is all "Didn't you tell Sgt. Kelley that you weren't contemplating anything when he left?"
I say "I didn't want Sgt. Kelley to get in trouble."
He says "Are you sorry for what you did?"
I say "NO, and I would do it again."
He laughed. Then he dismissed me.
Those little pigs spent the rest of their time during selection doing trash detail.
Granted, our ford explorer always whiffed of garbage after that...but to me it was the smell of victory.

8.) Best thing someone has ever done for you....
I had a colonel pull Tim out of Alabania during the Kosovo war so I wouldn't miss my non refundable flight back to Michigan. He got that call at 2 in the morning and by 7 the next day, he had fixed everything...it was the only time I had ever asked anyone for anything in that regard...and he made it happen.
I will never forget that.

9.) Best thing you have ever done for someone else.
I had a friend in ait named tony ( a girl) .
I have thought and thought...but this is really the only thing I could come up with...I mean, there are things you do money wise and then there are things you do time wise. The best use of my time to date was this.
She had been raped. I sat with her all night, just quiet in the barracks bathroom, while she cried. Cause I couldn't think of anything to say.
But I think it helped. Sometimes all you have is you. (For me, barring winning the lottery or some such thing...it's pretty much all I have)

10.) Best life changing moment;
Standing on a street corner in Ft. bragg, N.C, waiting for a cab to go on a date and seeing a tall, handsome man walking my way.....and asking him what he was doing.
That man became my husband...hence giving me two wonderful children and just about every other pretty good thing that has happened since.

I am tapping five other people with the honest scrap award....
Pick it up on the side of my blog.
Foodie Girl.

I want to see your answers.
Hugs to you all...
Your honest and scrappy blogger...

perfect ten update...and I am feelin a little edgy....

Hey all.
so quick perfect 10
6 days of cardio...done.
3 days upper body..nope...1 day.
3 days lower body...situps 200....yup.
water intake...nope...4 out of 6
in bed by 12....most nights.

one thing you all don't know...
I have a birth mark on the bottom of my right foot.

I keep tryin to up load a picture of my dress and I can't.
It's making me angry....that and my keyboard has turned southern and keeps dropping my g's
so how edgy am I...
This edgy.

I went to the bank today at safeway to get change for delivering girl scout cookies.
I go to the counter and ask for change.
They ask me if I am a customer...
I say no...but I am only needing change...not to cash a check.
So the chick says "generally, we only give change to customers..."
so I say okay...and then get half way out of the store and say "h*ll no".
(If I don't get the change there, then I have to go down to walmart...and waste 15 more minutes...It was 4:15 at that time...I wouldn't get home and start delivering until almost 5:15...it gets dark at around 6 to 6:30...and we can't deliver after dark)
I go back and say "I would like to speak to your manager."
He comes out and I say....Is it really your policy to only give change to members?"...
He says "Yes."
I say...that is the policy of this bank?
He says "kind of..."
I stare at him...
He says....what kind of change do you need?
Now, I may have door mat stamped on my forehead...but somehow I don't think that is the policy of that particular bank...and should I have chosen to make a stink with a letter I have a feeling someone would have been in a sh*t load of trouble.
Maybe they don't like to....whatever.
But that is no way to snare new customers.
I got my change.
I rarely ever do that...but how ridiculous.
Whatever happened to customer service?
And another thing...I don't remember the banks asking if we were customers before they stuck their slimy paws in our pockets to bail them out of the stinking festering mess they had managed to get themselves into a while back....didn't matter that neither I nor my husband nor my children were "members' of their bank then, did it?
rant over.
I will try one more time to upload a picture.
Hope you all are having a good night.
I can't upload a picture for the life of me..
I have run crap cleaner and the whole nine...
screw this.
I am going to bed...
Have a great night all.
Your edgy blogger.


The perfect dress...and big giveaway follow up.

I will give people through next wednesday to get their recipes in for those of you who don't know what I am talking about, check out yesterdays blog)...I will also be stopping by a few blogs to pick up a couple of recipes.
I will pick the winner on March 17th...My 36 th birthday.
I want to thank the people who stopped by and commented and left recipes.
I will copy them and start trying them on  thursday.
Should be interesting. lol.
I am going to log my food and tell you about my exercise...and then my trip to Target.
Today I ate...

1cup greek yogurt. 150 cal.
2 T. honey 120 cal.
1/2 cup peaches lite 60 cal.
breakfast total: 330 cal.

2 cups coffee...(I know...bad)....220 cal.

Lunch (practically ingenious today)
1 sandwich thin bun 100 cal.
12 thin slices oscar meyer chicken breast 100 cal.
1 sl. kraft cheese lf. 60 cal.
1 squirt spicy brown mustard 5 cal.
1 bag sugar snap peas uncooked 2 cups...70 cal
lunch 335 cal.

lunch was great and very filling.

snack; 10 turkey pepperoni and 5 sm. pretzel sticks.  45 cal.

1 big log of turkey kielbasa 330 cal.
2 peppers...1 red, 1 green 60
6 mushrooms 30
1 T butter. 100
Dinner 520 cal.

Daily total:  1445 cal.
Total burned at gym: 720

BMR. 1750
total deficit: 1025  cal. (or so)
Yesterdays deficit: 250
day before: around 950
so three day def: 2225 or so....
In one or two more days...I should be down a pound if I behave. lol.
Speaking of that..I will be glad to get these girl scout cookies out of my bedroom.

Well, after the gym tonight (and another set of 200 sit ups YEAH!!!)
I went to target in search of a new apron.
My old one broke and is huge.
I couldn't find one...so I was perusing the clothing section.
I spotted a really cute dress.
It was a V neck with a kind of empire waist.
It was white on top with paisley embellishments.
It was white, brown black and had some gold and pinkish stuff thrown in....Tim said it looked "mediteranean".
It was perfect.
My goal outfit...kind of.
For when I get down to a size 8.
Well, I got it in a medium.
It has a flowy bottom and a very forgiving stretchy center.
I know what it is supposed to look like.
Well I got it home and my husband says
"try it on.'
So I did...
Now if anything I am a fourteen/sixteen...not a ten.
So I was surprised that I was able to put it on and wear it.
It doesn't drape like it should at the bottom and the arms should be much more fluttery but I could wear it.
Then my husband looked at me and said...
"I bet *insert name of jack*ss friend here* and his girlfriend aren't together anymore"

Now, I need to explain that statement...cause it took a minute for me to get it.
Jack*ss friend told my husband when we first started dating (over 17 years ago) that we...meaning Tim and I, would never make it...that I would get fat after I had kids and that marriage was for idiots.
Well, I did get fat.
oh well.
So, that he recalled that while I was standing there in that dress....that tells me that I look enough like the woman he married for him to gloat.
Which was kind of strange, and kind of nice....
This whole weight loss thing has been a weird trip.
oh and I had another nice compliment from my brother in law the other day...
He saw my picture (my profile pic)
and he said "You look like the girl tim brought home 17 years ago"
I told him that he was my favorite brother...lol. 
That being said...I'll take a picture of me in the dress tomorrow.
Then again in about thirty pounds.
It will be kind of cool to see it morph into how I want it to look.
Hope you all had a great night.
Talk to you all tomorrow..
NOw I am off to see the blogs.


Chris's Big blog giveaway......

Hey all.
I have one thing to tell you all about myself this week.
I am not a creative cook...not in the least.
I do know some things about my body.
Firstly, it reacts badly to white foods...
white flour
white sugar
white rice
Anything really refined and it's binge city.
My body reacts best to dark meats and veggies.
Chicken breast....doesn't keep me as full as say a hamburger patty...or eggs even.
salad doesn't hold as well as zuchinni or asparagus.
whole wheat doesn't hold as well as whole grain.
The heavier the bread, the better.
One exception...
these oat bars I eat.  They have flax seed.
So, I don't need low fat recipes.
I need whole food recipes with no white stuff.
nuts, meat, veggies...low fat dairy and whole grains and fruits...high protein grains and the like.
I don't disqualify chicken breast...I had some this evening.
I love vegetables...almost any kind.
I can't cook....I have no imagination in that way.
I count calories....
I exercise.
I love exercise.
Got that down pat.
not so much.
So, give me your best recipe...whole food.
I will give it a shot.
I will even take pictures
Thanks in advance to anyone who ponies up...
Hey wait...
this could be a giveaway.
It could take a while to do all these recipes.
Well, since I am the exercise chick...
And the weigher chick....
this giveaway is an electronic food scale.
The same one I have sitting in my kitchen. 
I am looking for an easy...tasty moderate calorie, moderate fat recipe that my whole family can eat.
thumbs up or down from the kiddos, hubby and me...
hardest to please of this group is my oldest...kate.
So, no fish recipes. lol.
I will choose in one months time.
your cooking challenged blogger,



Hello all....
How have you guys been...haven't been making my rounds as of late.
I am really missing out.
I should be back up to full speed by tomorrow night.

I went to the gym, I did an hour on Arnold...and I ate 1560 calories.
Pretty good.
I burned 720 and did 200 situps.
I would say that would put my burn in at  at least 750
If my bmr is on average 1750 (I weigh around 175)
And I eat 1560....(leaving me with a 190 calorie deficit food wise)
And I burn 750 calories on top of that....
That puts my total deficit in at 940.
I am going to keep a post of that kind of record every day for the next two weeks and see if the weight equals my calculations....verrrrry interesting.
Now for my title...
I have had a couple of 'strange' encounters with people.
Somehow weight loss comes up...I say I have lost nearly ninety pounds and they say...

What do they think former fat people look like.
Did they think you would have 'former fat girl' inscribed on your forehead?"
Just a question.
Now, I still have forty pounds to go.

but still...it is by far the most irritating reaction.
I don't mind the
or the
You look greats....(who WOULD mind? ;oP...)
I could even take the occasional "so, still a couple of pounds to go yet,  ey's?"....
but  the
It makes you wonder.
Do they think you are supposed to look like a deflated jelly fish?

tonight...I am doing my situps. Before I start...these two ladies ask to share my mat...(It's more than big enough...so I say of course)
There is a whole boy scout pack doing pushups on the rest of the mats...must be some sort of mentoring program.
So anywhoo.
I am somewhere around 170 or so....situps that is....
These ladies are done...they get up and are standing there when one of them looks at me and says
"You look familiar...."
I say, I am here all the time...
She says "I live here too...lol."
Then she says "I've lost a hundred pounds."
I say "I've lost 90.'
She doesn't say...I never would have guessed it by looking at you....
she says "Awesome Job!", and bends down for a high five while I am on sit up 180 or so....
I give it, and say thanks, You too.
Maybe only former fat girls get it.
Kind of like Army wives and the phrase
"I don't know how you do it?"
Insinuating all sorts of things without really saying anything.
Thats all for now...Man are my cupboards ORGANIZED...LoL.
Hope all is well with you guys....
Tomorrow is girl scout meeting night...we earn a science in action badge.
Wish me luck...
Former fat Girl...


food storage...weight loss holiday.

hey all...
Ate maintenance calories and walked a mile.
I am currently cleaning out my cupboard in anticipation of setting up food storage.
Am currently looking at four year old beans...which I am ppretty sure would probably taste baaaad.
If I chose to eat them.
I saw this link....I like her ideas.
It seems workable...understandable...and tasty to boot.
She has great personal style as well.
hope all is well with you guys.
Your food storage starter,


tired and over worked.

Not going to post much tonight.
I'm tired.  I think the next few days will be lighter postings and comments.
I have a gs. meeting on wednesday...homeschool, and organizational and fitness goals to meet.
Tough week ahead.
Hope everyone is doing well and had a good Valentines day.
Chris out.

lucky to have people to love....

How are you all...
I am posting late tonight.  I had a very full day.
Alot of it was cookie related.
We had our cookie booth and we sold 113 boxes.
I would like to thank Amber who brought the all important table...without which we would have been hawking cookies out of a slightly shady looking minivan, and Brooke who was good fun...They both follow this blog.
And a shout out though she may never read it...to Cheryl...who is one  heck of a cookie seller.
We had a great time with the girls.
I had a good time watching my daughter sell and communicate like you wouldn't believe for an eight year old.
She sold a lot and was really on her game in regards to how much things cost.
I got my exercise in....

To the title of my post.
Family isn't always easy.  We all have quirks that can make us difficult to live with.
I have realized that I have been harder on the people I love the most, than I am to virtual strangers.
I push my oldest daughter hard...harder than I really should...because I want so much for her to succeed....That sometimes I forget to tell her how proud I am.
I intend to do that more.
I did that a few days ago, looking at her act scores.
I just felt so proud...not for me, but because she is living up to her potential and I am so proud of that.
But I want her to know how much I love her apart from performance...just for who she is.
We have a whole world that will love us when we are perfect.
We need people to love us when we are imperfect.
Speaking of that.
I was so proud of the girls in my troop tonight.
We had a lady who had cerebral palsy...I think.
It was a struggle for her to walk, to pick up those boxes, to talk even.
Sophie didn't bat an eye. 
Grace didn't bat an eye.
Mariah didn't bat an eye.
They weren't scared...
I hate to say this, but I think at 8- she would have scared the bejeezus out of me.
I don't know if it's because they are all home schooled..or what.
They treated her like every other customer.
When she left,  Grace turned and looked at us and said "She had a limp", and shrugged.
I love kids.
Some of us don't have a limp....
But maybe life can get too much, and we don't react the way we should.
Sometimes instead of a 'good talking to'...that person needs loving confrontation.
Then they need a hug.
I was always good at the *ss kicking...I am getting better at the hugging.
I look around at this world and think...man, there is so much pain...so much judgement, so much hate...
we need a bit more love.
I am lucky to have people to love.
I am lucky that I can lie here and hold hands with my little girl and talk with her, and listen to her read me a story. When there are parents who can't.
I can talk to my teen because we have a good relationship.
I understand my husband enough to get him through a bad mood.
I can call my mom tomorrow, and roll my eyes when she calls me Chrissie.
But secretly feel safe, because she is still there to call...and I know I am her little girl, and that's why I can roll my eyes when she calls me Chrissie.
Life is about people.
Life is about having people to love...whether it be family or family of the heart,  your friends.
Enjoy every moment.


Don't out think yourself..and a perfect 10 update...

Lets knock out the perfect 10 thing.
I doubt Steve will be able to check this week...he has had a horrible loss.
But in the spirit of steve...I will post this anyways.
I did my 6 days of cardio...(7 actually)
I did situps (I can do all 200 now)...and only one day upper body. (I don't know what my malfunction is...I just don't like lifting weights.  I can do cardio forever...get me around weights and I break out in hives.)
I am drinking my water...
I have cut down to one cup of coffee a day....
this wasn't a part of my perfect 10 stuff..but for me it is  a gargantuan accomplishment...
I could have happily hooked an Iv up at one point...I loved coffee so much.
I am 'better now'.
I am getting to bed by 9 or so.....a three hour improvement on the midnight thing.

Again...if any of my readers didn't know...Steve's dad passed away....this is a really good time to show support for a fellow blogger...so if you could pop on over and show him some blog love....that would be cool. You can get there by clicking on the perfect 10 pic to the right.

Now to the rest of my title...
It may seem a little strange after yesterday's post, to talk about NOT OUT THINKING YOURSELF.
When yesterday was all about the thinking.
But here is what I mean....
I used to think
I will start on Friday...or sunday or monday..
I will eat this many calories over this many days and I should lose this much weight.
(Usually some ridiculously low number that left me starving...causing me to binge...scrap all those numbers....over exercise....try harder...then fail and get fatter.)

I am saying.
Don't do that.
Don't think...
Just Do.

Say right this very moment you are fatter than you have ever been in your whole life.
Now this might cause you to think.
Wow, I am a fat pig....I can't believe how fat I have let myself get....
I suck.
How could anyone love me....
Let's stop our internal tape right here for a word of warning.
This tape you keep playing...
(This was my internal tape...)

That internal tape is on a loop fed by your fevered brain and misplaced sense of guilt.
Turn off the tape.
Hit the stop button...
Heck, shred it if you have to.
When the tape starts say "I'll feel worse about myself tomorrow."
And take a ten minute walk.
You know....
I think I will write down what I have been eating for about a week.
See where my calories are...
Then after that week is over you can say...
I can get rid of 500 of those calories.
And so you do.
I can walk 10 minutes a day...
and so you do.
You do...
You don't think about it...ponder what ifs...
Don't gaze wonderingly off into the future and start pondering "How many pounds could I lose if I cut out 1000 calories, climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and  start eating only pumpkin seeds."
You focus on today...
You don't think about yesterday, you don't think about tomorrow.
Everything is today.
Trust me, tomorrows will come...
They pile on top of one another until they are stacked in neat rows..
They can be rows of personal victory,
or rows of personal regrets.
I start last May...
may 4th.
I started by throwing out a 450 calorie cup of grande white mocha with whip.
I got home...I put on my walking shoes...
I walked around the block.
I did it the next day.
And the next.
I ate 1800 calories...that was it...I KNEW I was eating more than that before...probably closer to 3500 calories.
I didn't stop to ask myself..."Will this finally be the time?"
I didn't ask that question till I crossed 200.
Don't ask that question till you are strong enough to answer yes.
Just keep going.
Until the doing becomes the thinking and  your thinking becomes the doing.



The road not taken.....

I had a long walk outside today...and was thinking...or as pooh likes to say...
think.think.think....think. think. think.
and while I was thinking I thunk....

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 
(props to Bob frost)

Or as yogi bera would say....
"When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it."

I realized lately, I have been getting impatient with my journey.
I want it to  Go Faster.
I want it to be a Spectacular Drop...
not a simple choice.
Not a quiet simplicity.
Not a logical result stemming from conscious decisions...

That isn't very exciting, thought I.
I really get pumped about making it a fight.

When in reality....this journey isn't like fire, it is like water.

Fire consumes...water slowly erodes.

Fire burns out...water...well, it's forever.

or as a favorite poem of mine says:

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.
(props to edna)

Water made the grand canyon.

Not all at once, but with persistance.

With a slow, steady dribble.

When You get to your last 30 to 40 lbs.  It doesn't come off in three and four pound chunks.
It comes off in .5 to 1 lbs bits and pieces.

It's consistency.
It's repetition.
It's the rest of your life.

So, what's with the poetry. and what in the world does that have to do with water, and weight loss...and winnie the pooh and....


I have been a consuming fire.
I have to be like water.

At the end of February...I will switch to my maintenance eating.
What does that mean?
Well...What I expect to be eating to maintain my weight at 132 lbs.
I will be doing the exercise I will be doing for the rest of my life.
Will this slow my weight loss down?

But you know what.
In the end....this path is the one that will teach me the most.
and knowing how way leads on to way....
I doubt I will go back to firebrand Chris.
I am hoping to  have more of a TJ attitude.
 She is a person Whom I admire greatly.
I will still be working out 6 days a week.
But my eating will be between 1500-1600 calories a day with three higher calorie days per month...We will see...in time...where that lands me.
In the end, the final victory will be all the sweeter...because I will have done it the right way.

Please go over to steve's blog and give him some support.
His Dad died suddenly last night. 

Your thinking, poetry loving and water logged blogger,


The art of weightloss...

Good brother, I couldn't come up with a decent title tonight if My life depended on it...
I have a ton to talk about...but really can't fit it all into one post.

1.)  I had a great night at the gym-728 calories burned on Arnold....200 situps done.

2.)  I am sitting at 179 at night on the scale.  Not sure why...I am probably much lower in the morning....
I haven't weighed myself in the morning for at least a week.  But on the positive side...I am in the 170's.
Period. At night and in the morning.  In a couple more pounds....7 at most...I'll have lost 90 lbs.
That's alot.

3.)  Art....I have a lot to say....

4.) organization....I wanted to thank Loretta for her wonderful email regarding what she does....I would also like to thank everyone that gave such lovely responses to my post on my 'malfunction'.
I have decided to do a combination calendar with calendar notes section plus lists.

The calendar is great....I can see out for the next year...I can post daily calorie intakes and excercise burns and still fit food stuff...Each month has a two page spread plus a monthly notes section for each day. So, I can put stuff I need to get or buy in the daily notes section....note upcoming events in the calendar section...and then I bought skinny legal pads to write daily to do lists on....
I have a bill folder already....so I will just put what day I pay the bills on my calender, write when to pick up stamps also..and then put it on my to do list for the following day so I have stamps to pay the bills.  Also girl scouts, homeschooling..etc.  It will all fit on the calender book.  Well it actually says planner...but it's spiral bound and I got it at target. It also has a place in the front for phone numbers and the like....
Pretty cool....

nOw what I really want to address tonight.
I am as conservative probably as they come.
But,  I have to say...there is this radio announcer who is verklempt because pink was PRACTICALLY NAKED when she did her grammy routine.

I watched that routine.
I thought it was beautiful... well done, tasteful..
She was expressing, through dance, through everything...that moment just before something anticipated happens.
This is where I think conservatives can come off the rails.

I saw what she was wearing...and you couldn't see anything...
Not a nipple in sight.
And quite frankly, even if there had been a nip slip...it was nowhere near as nasty and trashy as britney spears and madonna licking each other's tonsils fully clothed a couple years back.

The difference is in the intent.
She didn't wear that to be provocative...it's not her style...
She wore it to express what the song was about.
It's like ballet...nobody complains about the men in tights, even though you can practically see everything.
Because it isn't about that.
IT's about the beauty of the human form in motion.
Nudes by Ruebens....
I can't imagine anybody thinking of porn when viewing paintings of the human form by Rueben's or botticelli...
And quite frankly Rich....you screeching into your microphone daily that Pink was
PRACTICALLY NAKED is annoying and ridiculous.
You remind me of fifth grade boys in the bathroom with a national geographic and a half smoked cigarette.
I think it says more about the mind of the person who is doing the viewing than the object or the performance being viewed....
So here it is...
You can view it if you haven't already...
Do you feel like it's dirty?
 I don't.
out of time....
I have to go to bed.
I am going to try to hit some of the blogs I missed yesterday...
I guess it's a feeling of ANTICIPATION.


Cookies cookies la la la....

Hey all,
I am soooo tired.
I slept like poo last night..maybe 2 or 3 hours and then was up this morning at 6 to get girl scout cookies...
75 cases (900 boxes) with my good friend and co leader Amber.
So there we were at 8:40 in the morning. 
A balmy 23 degrees.  It is snowing and the cookie drop is behind schedule. 45 minutes behind schedule.
So Amber and I made a survey of the cars and discovered much to our expectation surprise that there were two kinds of cars in the parking lot to pick up cookies.
One type was the mini van...
the other the suv.
That being said...I had a mini van and amber has an suv...lol.
I am not sure if it just goes along with the girl scout troop leader vibe. or what.
In any case....I walked 2 miles and ate 1500 calories..
I tend to eat more when I am tired.
I don't know why.
But I am about to go to sleep here...at 7:30 in the evening.
I have paid My oldest daughter money to read a story to her sister at 9:30 and make sure she gets to bed (my oldest is 16)
I am paying my younger daughter to stay in bed once in there and not make a fuss.
It is costing me $3.50 total.
Otherwise known as money well spent.
Sometimes a little bribery goes  a long way.
Signing off now,
Your tired and slightly poorer blogger,


The forest for the trees.....

Hey all,
I was listening to the radio today...and a couple of guys were talking about the wonderful properties of the English language...
It's precision is remarkable, they declared.
I thought and would have to say, I agree.
I think my post yesterday was NOT CLEAR.
I was expressing frustration...I think that was apparent.
But I feel like I gave the erroneous impression that it was all about my missed workout, or baking a cake. Probably because that was what I was babbling about. ;o)
My frustration stems solely from my seeming inability to pull my head out of my rear organization wise.
My frustration was not in driving to the roller rink, but in having to get gas before I went.
Not in buying kate a present, but in doing so...not only did I forget to pick up ice cream
And in doing so spent forty five minutes when I could have been picking up ice cream...on the phone to the bank cancelling my debit card.
So what does she get...
A cake that is poorly decorated because I didn't bake the cake till that morning, put the frosting on and then did a kind of Jackson pollacky thingy with the tubes of frosting I had...
I didn't even buy enough CANDLES.
Thank goodness the whole birthday didn't hinge on the cake..
It all hinged on the skating party...which was awesome.
But knowing that doesn't let me off the hook in my own mind.
This past 8 months was about alot more than just weight loss for me...
It's been my attempt at personal growth by forcing myself to 'grow up' and try new things.
Things like...
Be a girl scout troop leader...
I live in fear of failing bigtime.
I am going to post something about me that you all don't know.
I am actually on the autism spectrum....
My mom took me to a doctor in first grade because I was doing the whole spaced out rocking thing....
The doctor tried to explain it to my mom...however, she was incensed that she thought he was attempting to call me retarded when I 'could read on my own at age four'....
What she failed to understand is that people with milder forms of autism aren't 'retarded'
In fact, many are very, very bright.
My rocking was an attempt to soothe myself when I became overstimulated....
Which I tended to do in crowds or when there is a ton of activity.
I don't really have a filter.
When I was young, I would go into my head and do things like put together the eiffel tower in my head...I could actually see how the whole thing connected....and then I would draw what I saw in my head.
These days, I can feel myself begin to slip...When I feel like things are too much I start to go kind of daydreamy...but if I focus really hard I can pull my mind back in...
The only thing that really helped me growing up, was to draw or to read.
When I drew I could focus.  People are always saying how detailed my drawings are...
well, It calms me down to draw.
I read about it, and they talk about how some kids count....well, I drew.
I do it now in different ways.  I have learned to cope by focusing.  For instance...
At parties, I hone in on one person.
At girl scouts, I focus on going in order.....I focus one girl at a time.
I am great one on one....I have very good focus.
My trouble comes with juggling...I see so many people who are good at keeping all the balls in the air.
I have coped this year with home school by assigning hours to the school...between 9 and 1 I do school.
Then I clean for two hours.
Then  I blah blaah blah....
It really helps me.
I need a system to incorporate all the different aspects of my life and a way to say no to distractions.
I also need a way to relax.
The gym does not relax me.
Doing girl scouts does not relax me...
These things drain me. I do enjoy them because I am doing something I was afraid to do...something  I thought I couldn't...but that are worthwhile.
They are my personal challenges.
Especially girl scouts.
After I am done I need to lay down and sleep or to be by myself for an hour or two.
Don't get me wrong...I am greatful for this problem  because It has taught me that if you really try, if you really focus..you can over come things that other people might not think you can.
I am able to focus like nobody's business..
In doing so, I sometimes miss the forest for the trees.
I want to enjoy special days instead of missing them because my focus is all in one area, or i am running around because I failed to plan..therefore planned to fail.
So, I am thinking of maybe a calendar system to alert me four or five days out that something is coming.
Do any of you have good ways to organize yourselves?
I could use some good suggestions for an overall kind of system.I need to integrate everything...from housework, to homeschool to extracurricular activites, to working out and running errands.
I really want this in place, this organizational system..before the end of march..It was my one New Years eve resolution.
Things are cleaner in the house..because I assign two hour a day to doing housework...but I am no where near where I want to be  yet.
Well...I got my workout in, and burned 720 calories tonight.
I am also in under 1400 calories.
I hope you all had a successful day today.


Tempted to use profanity...

But I shall abstain.
Let's just say today DID NOT go like I wanted it to.
I was forced into corners left and right...and by the time I climbed out of them..
I didn't go to the gym.
I did spend 45 minutes on the phone at walmart with my bank cancelling my bank card.
Which I somehow managed to lose in the space of a 30 minute time frame.
I did spend one hour ferrying my daughter to a roller rink...30 more searching for parking, more hours making a cake., and helping my youngest pick out a present..all of which I loved.
I need to get used to the fact that party days are bad days to go to the gym.
I told my oldest that While today could be regarded as stellar in the birthday sense...
for me..
this day in dietopia never happened.

I can't wait for tomorrow..
back to the gym, back to my elliptical and back to my fat burning ways.
Food today.
1 and 1/2 cups of spaghetti with a cup of sauce and meat.
1 cup of green beans
1 slice of chocolate cake.
I am somewhere around 1500 calories i think...
I didn't have a chance to eat through the middle of the day....
I ate breakfast..
then I ate at 8 o clock at night.
I don't want to talk about today.
I will be glad to put this in the dustbin of history.
My daughter had a great time with 7 of her friends at a roller rink.
She wanted a party with just her and her friends.
So..as tempted as I am to write today off...I am glad it happened.
Both now and 16 years ago, I am glad she had a great time.
I really need to organize my days better.
That is part of my problem.
As I recall, I didn't have time for much sixteen years ago today, either.
But as a result I have a lovely daughter.
One day won't kill me.

Have a good night all,
See you tomorrow.


Perfect 10 update...week 5...and a picture of my shirt...lol.

Hey all.
Well, Today was my high calorie day...it's a lone ranger this month.
I am only having one...
I did my workout. A 3.8 mile walk and an upper body workout.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym and one hour on Christian and situps.
My week went really really well for perfect 10/
I was in bed on time.
I ate my correct number of calories.
Since I started at 188...and am now 178, I already hit my 8 lb goal for the perfect 10.
Been drinking more than 8 cups every day this week.
Been getting at least one hour of cardio..and since I am doing every day in February, I got all my days in.
January was a really hard month for me. I was constantly hungry.
Glad it's over....
I tell you though.
Committing the first four days to really low calorie counts and strict exercising...
It has gotten me back on track. I feel capable of continuuing even though it is going to be harder to drop that final forty or so pounds.
I think mentally I checked out of the fight a bit.
Got a little happy with myself..
Clothes shopping and makeup wearing and the whole nine.
I had to really step back and take a good look at where I am and where I want to be...
I realized I simply wasn't there yet...so my little party had to go on hiatus.
That being said...
I have a couple of really cute outfits..

I had a nice date tonight with my husband.

It feels nice to look nice again.

It will feel even better to be where I want to be.

Now for the one thing about me ya'll don't know...
I was a sucky shot with the rifle in basic..
But when  it came to fire and maneuver I was crack.
I killed the enemy and we obtained our objective.
It was the most fun...(besides the bayonet course and the grenade portion)
that I had....
So, this blogger loves fire and maneuver...
I should've been a ranger.
Hugs and bullet casings,


Are you an Ameri-can or an Ameri-can't?!

Hey all,
Well, back to the gym today.
I didn't want to Go today.
But, I went anyway...
One hour on Arnold for a 679 calorie burn, then down to the exercise mat to do my sit-ups.
You see, I don't always want to be doing my workout.
Today was not an 'on fire' moment for me.
I got in there, I was tired starting.
I knew I needed to distract myself..so instead of listening to music,
I watched a Friends episode on one of the TV's they have placed around the gym.
It's the one where Rachel and Ross finally get back together after breaking up over the pros and cons list Ross wrote.
It was funny.
That lasted for quite a while, and then I finished out my workout on level 2.
Hence the lower than normal burn.
I walk down to the mat area.
I lay down.
And here is the conversation I had in my head.

"God , the ceiling is ugly."

"I don't want to do this."

"I don't want to exercise."

"Now I know why Jillian says she doesn't like to exercise."

"Now, Chris...Think of why you are doing this..."

"Okay, I exercise so I won't be fat, and so I can move around..."

'If I don't exercise, I will have to cut my food to portions that are ridiculous, just to lose weight!"

"I like food."

"If people only did what they wanted, the world would be a sorry place...this is why God gave us will power...to get us through the things we don't want to do."

"So,  let's get these situps started."

So I do one set of 65...25 regular sit ups, 20 obliques and 20 lower abdominal crunches...It hurts..

There is a creepy looking bald guy on the bicycle next to the mats.
I start to wonder why there are so many bald people at the gym.
I don't think that many bald people are bald naturally.
I think they shave their heads, cause it looks cool or something.
The only problem is...there is nothing to catch their sweat....
So it just rolls down their face and onto the floor...
Okay, now I am stretching...I put my butt to the wall, so I ain't waving it in the air and saying howdy to people as they pass by...
Chick plops on to the mat next to mine...starts to stretch by putting her foot on my mat.
I just lay down and pretend she isn't there. She moves her foot.
Second set...still hurts....
Then I realize that I am only 70 situps away from 200.
There is some guy two mats down doing some sort of pike position sit up...looks like it hurts.
So I do 25, 10 and 10
I start doing my lower ab crunches....I am really pushing, cause it really hurts.
I see this girl all the way down staring at me...probably because every time I come up the mat is scooting back, but I am not stopping now.....
and....over 200...201 (one more to show my psyche who is boss).
I did it..over 200..not because I felt like it, but because I WILLED IT.
Haaaa take that negative voice in my head...(Or lazy voice)

Next  thing is to get them done in under 5 minutes....one of my perfect 10 goals.
You see, It's all in the head.
I could have said " I don't feel like doing it..."
Then got up and left.
And felt crappy later, because I let myself down.
But I didn't..
When you are in the middle of a moment like that, it's a good time to remind yourself WHY you are doing this.
What you are getting in return for the effort expended.
I am happy with how far I've come, but I know from experience that contentment can lead to complacency.
And I have no intention of becoming complacent.
It's not how I roll.
So talk to yourself...reason with yourself.
Just don't start doing it out loud or people will look at you funny.


Hell month...Day 3 Sweet potatoes and roses

Howdy all,
Hope every one is having a fantabulous day.
I had an okay one...I feel edgy and don't know why.
Tom's on vacay, I got my two mile walk in and my calories are in under 1400.
Who knows.
I had a hamburger without the bun, and a sweet potato tonight.
I love sweet potatoes.
I didn't used to, but now I do.
You know my grumpies might be because I have cut down to one cup of coffee.
It's going to take some getting used to on my part.
so anyways...
We had our Girl Scout meeting tonight and We made flower mats with clear contact paper and roses...
and tulips.
We dismembered the flowers and used the petals to make place mats...the kids really liked it.
They each ended up making two mats each and a bookmark.
Very cute.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym and onto arnold for a 700 calorie burn and 175 situps.
I am going to have to move my high calorie day up from Saturday to Friday.
My husband has to work on Saturday so we will be going out on date night on Friday.
Oh well...
It doesn't matter...It might be that much longer till the end of the month..but it is also that much longer till weigh in as well.
It all evens out.
Man, I think I just want this month to go so well that I want to get out there and bury it now, but can't.
So I have to do it day by day...the way God made it.
Patience has never been my strong suit.
That is why I am always reminding myself that this journey is always day one, year zero...
So I don't race ahead in my own mind, and get impatient.
Speaking of that...I have to
Take a shower
Do laundry
Paint my nails..
Oh, TMI alert...
Guys can depart right now....
I bought some new chonies....
Thanks to Paula for the new word...
Cute ones...
Not Grandma ones...
I bought a bra that has black lace with a little bow...
very cute..
and some chonies that are black with lace and silver dots.
Chonies I wouldn't be afraid to be in an accident in...lol.
That is all for now.
Have a great night all,


Catching a Vision....

So, You've lost some weight...
Your feeling pretty good, aren't you?
Heck, you might be feeling so good..your tempted to stay Right. Where. You. Are.
Why continue to say no to doughnuts?
Why continue to bang your head into a wall?
Heck, I was a size 24. Now I'm a 14.
That's pretty good.
It's the Average size of the Average American woman.
Who do I think I am....special?

Yep. FYI  She's 35 years old...BMI 21.3 HT:5'2 Wt: 120
Here is the picture I have saved as background on my computer...

You may wonder why I have Jillian Micheals saved on background.

Why, everytime I open up my computer, Do I want to see this staring back at me?


I needed to see something I wanted to become.
Because who I was, was someone I didn't recognize.

I spent years avoiding my image...avoiding seeing myself.
Then one day I looked up and BAM!
There I was...with no idea how I got there or how to get out.

I thought:
What if I could start all over again?
Who would I choose to be?
What would my life look like?
What would I change.
I didn't know...and then...
Then I did.

That next day, I got up...put on my walking shoes.
I didn't put on those walking shoes so I could someday be a size 14.
I didn't put on my walking shoes to hopefully get to a point where I wouldn't be ridiculed.

I put on those walking shoes so that someday, I could put an outfit like that on....and go and have my picture taken...and if not look EXACTLY like that...look d*mn close.
It was a vision of how I wanted to look, who I wanted to be.
Confident, Powerful...In Charge of my Life.

So, yes...I could rest on my laurels..
look 'good for my age'...
But quite frankly, after losing 84 lbs...investing 8 months of my life.
That just isn't good enough.
Not for me.
I deserve better.
I deserve to finish this the right way.
At Goal, On Top.
When I do, I am taking that picture and putting it on my blog.
I want to show everyone what is possible when you don't settle.
So, If you don't know what you are aiming for..
Then it's time to find out.
Catch a vision of who you want to become.
And become it.


Now, it's time to get serious....

I think I channeled Jillian yesterday...lol.
I am getting myself into a new frame of mind for February...It's my 'serious' frame of mind.
I can't even type that without feeling a little gooby.
But, I plan to do some form of activity everyday in February...
It's one month (28 days actually), and if people could survive the gulag, I can do this.
I am trying a new approach to my calorie intake.
I want to cut some of my portions again to see what I can be 'satisfied' on.
I will keep my calories above 1200 but below 1400.
This is for the month of february.
So, every day and on February 6th is my lone, high cal. day.
My goal is to get to 170 by the end of this month.
If I do, then I  would only be 38 lbs  from my goal weight.
That  is a couple of *warning....scatalogical humor ahead* big dumps in comparison to the 80 some odd pounds I've already lost....There is less room for error, and so less room for fudging the calorie budget.
It will feel good to discipline my body.  To take control of it.
I am also going to try and attend a Krav Maga class this coming friday.
It's a form of self defense developed by the Israeli military.
It uses your instinctual responses as the basis for it's technique.
There is a free introductory class, so no harm no foul if I don't 'like' it.
This was my next step in getting healthy, making sure I feel safe as I get smaller.
Being able to break limbs should do the trick.
Well, going to be signing off, cause I have a ton of stuff to do tonight.
Won't get to all your blogs, but i will try to pop by a few.
Have a great night,
Your seriously serious blogger,
no really,