2.23.2010

the vagina monologues....

helloo....
back from b & n.
I just wanted to pop in and say how disappointing I find most romance novels these days.
This will be a quick rant for the two or three people on my blog list that actually read these....
Can you (meaning romance writers of America)

Please Stop:

1.) Making everyone a LORD, A VISCOUNT, or a DUKE.
At this point, I am wondering who is actually doing the work in 1800's England.
I think women as a whole can like a hero who isn't nobility...we marry them everyday.
Good brother people....the whole frickin' country can't be peerage.

2.) Making them vampires, werewolves and other sundry strange, mysterious or fey creatures.
I start getting into a story and pop...out come the fangs.  Or, heaven forfend it's a werewolf....
Then the only image I actually have in my head, is them having a litter somewhere down the road.
I know there are 'trends' in romantic fiction...but someone please hop off this bandwagon because I think a full moon is coming....

3.) RIDICULOUS NAMES.
Here are some real life examples....
Fielding Grey ( a viscount of course) sounds like a horse..of course.

Chase Eversea ( NOT A LORD.... which SHOULD be an improvement.) But unfortunately, his occupation as a sea captain makes this otherwise acceptable name, seem more like an "Oh my gosh! My deadline is coming up, and I JUST DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR MY HERO so QUICK, what is his occupation.....Chase ever sea.....

MINA MASTERS....Um this is the heroine's NAME....you can take it where you want to. Namely to a James Bond flick..

Reine Pingre- Go ahead, pronounce it...I dare you.

Akira Neish  ????????what??????????? (this is an historical, not a sci fi /time travel.)

And last, but certainly not least...as I could go on all day... the ignobly named...
DESTINY NOBLE

A heroine after our own heart...who is searching nobly for her destiny and is (as such) aptly named.

4.) The names of the books....they ALL seeeeeem to have a familiar ring to them.
Firstly there is the:
LORD OF PLEASURE. (I guess there would have to be considering how many lords are gallivanting around bonny old England)
Who then- in time- becomes
LORD LIBERTINE by gail ranstrom ( I am venturing to guess, not HER real name EITHER...) .
Now I am not saying this is a book series, I am just saying that to only wallow in pleasure, can in time, make you a libertine..).
then we have the elemental Lords...
LORD OF FIRE
&
LORD OF ICE

Not to be outdone, someone came up with the clever title...
LORD OF MIDNIGHT
Then you have:
PIRATE LORD by sabrina jeffries
LORD OF SCOUNDRELS (Well, makes sense...again....there is a lord of pleasure so why not)
There is LORD CAREW'S BRIDE (Who she is, we have no clue...)
Don't forget the HIGHLAND LORD...MY LORD FOOTMAN... and THE NOTORIOUS LORD....
And to wrap this lord fest up....let us not forget the MADNESS OF LORD IAN MACKENZIE...
Which seems to me to be the most straight forward title in the host of lords thusfar presented.

Lordy Lordy.....

lol.
I should write one...a romance novel...
It can't be that hard....I just need a good title...
I know...
Lord of Passion....
Now I just need a name for the girl...after all, I don't really have to name him and his flaring nostrils.
I just have to make him a mildly britishy viscount.
So, Viscount Britishton meets spunky and unconventional
Prudence Mayhew....
She is being forced to wed a nasty brute,  when at the last moment she loses her virginity to Viscount Britishton (aka The lord of Passion) one night during a scandalous game of bridge.
They have their one night of passion, but fearing her precious freedom will be stripped from her (like her petticoat of the night before).
Prudence prudently flees the continent....by stowing away on a frigate bound for India.
Little knowing that Viscount Britishton is also aboard. Because, not only is he a viscount, he is also an impossibly wealthy shipping magnate. And bound by his love for the land of his birth, and his undeniable sense of  duty, he has also offered his services as a spy for the foreign office in his spare time.
What follows is a swashbuckling tale of Prudence and Passion...
WHICH WILL WIN?

There, now I'm a millionaire.
Rant over.
Have a great night folks.
Your romantical blogger,
Christina oursler O' Dare

17 comments:

TJ said...

LOL I had no idea going to B & N could be so entertaining! So funny! Write your own...I'm sure you would make a fortune! :)

Jenn said...

Hahahaha! Now I remember why I took a break from reading romantic novels. :) Thanks for the laugh!

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, SO funny! I guess the genre has its own genres now, like supernatural, sci-fi, and all that vampire bs. I don't get it? Why again would I want to fall in love with a vampire? Maybe I'm missing something here. Sometimes the "intimate" scenes were a little too intimate, if you know what I mean. I haven't read them for a while but I distinctly remember liking Lynn Kurland a lot. Ah - time travel. That's my gig!

Kim said...

LOL!! This post is especially funny since I just mentioned the Sookie Stackhouse series on your last post (vampires,werewolves). I think you have a flair for writing romance...I wanna know what happens to the brute. lol. Have you read Time Traveler's Wife? Even if you're not into that sort of thing, it's actually a really good read...very romantic, smart, and well...it's just good.

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

Hey! I wrote that novel in the 7th grade! Except they were also vampires . . . :P

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

LOL Great post, had me laughing first thing in the morning, thats got to be good. I have never been a fan of "romance" novels since my early 20's. I now remember why.

Rettakat said...

That was hysterical!
But you forgot to time travel them... their ship must get caught in a mist... and they end up... when ??
Ya know... I'll bet a Romantical Satire would sell!!

Loretta
=^..^=

Fiona said...

LMAO!

I think I have read some of those!

KrysTros said...

OMG too funny. I think that book has already been written LMAO. I like horror, where Chase Eversea would probably end up being killed off. I was just telling my husband the other day how easy it is to determine whether a book was written by a man or a woman. Sometimes I just grab books off the "new" shelf at the library because I read so much.

Weighting Around said...

What a provocative title for your post! It really got my attention. I'm behind you if you want to write your romance novel. You've got the venue and a test audience. Why not?

Tammy said...

LMAO....you have totally reminded me why I haven't read a romance novel since I was like 18, lol....your story is absolutely fantastic....really, you are a trip...you're killing me this morning, lmao

Lorie said...

I now remember why I quit reading these books when I was 18. Awesome post! Now if you can just get the authors to read it.....

Sandra said...

Chris, you always have a knack for making me laugh. But I totally can relate to what you are saying. I was mentioning to my daughter a couple of weeks ago that it seems like every single book lately has to do with some Vampire, Werewolf, outlander type of characters.

Putz said...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I AM HERE, I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T BE BUTas long as i am here i must say>>> IN ROMANCE NOVELS AS LONG AS THE CHEMISTRY IS ACTING AND REACTING flowing and evbbing, NONE OF THE ABOVE THINGS LIKE VAMPIRES OR NAMES MATTER, ONLY THE ROMANCE THAT TRIGGERS THE CHEMISTRY.>>>SO THERE

Victoria said...

haha I LOVE THIS POST. REMINDS ME OF WHY I DONT READ ROMANCE NOVELS AND WHY I SHOULDNT START
I LOVE YOUR BLOG
YOU ARE SO REAL AND ITS NICE TO KNOW PEOPLE ARE STILL LIKE THAT :)

Hanlie said...

Great post! Too funny, and too true! I used to really enjoy romance novels by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss. These days I seldom read romance - I'm much more into crime and espionage. I've exchanged the lords and lasses for serial killers and detectives.

deisegirl said...

I think I was kind of *aware* these books existed but only vaguely. I'm not a great reader these days but if I ever do return to the land of Readaholism, I will definitely give them a miss if ya don't mind ...Viscounts suck in every way imaginable (unless they are Viscount biscuits which are quite delicious really...)