2.24.2010

On my march to victory...a feeling of impending doom.

Hello all,
Well, howdy doody,
I have spent the last two weeks in a kind of funk that is (or was) hard to explain.
You see...I am doing great...fan frickin tastic.
This weight loss thing is just a chug chug chuggin along.
Then all the sudden, two weeks ago...I started getting knots in my stomach all the time.
A feeling of impending doom.
I thought 'something' was going to happen.
What?
Heck, I don't know.
meteor from the sky....randomly pecked to death by angry ducks...
could be anything.

But it ISN'T.
OR wasn't.
you know what i mean.
It was this
(excerpt from 8/31/09 of my weight loss journey)

When I weighed myself on May 18th, I was 262.4 lbs., I was 33 lbs heavier than ever before.
When I saw 229 tonight, I realized that instead of feeling defeated, I felt victorious. It's amazing what a change of mind can do. I am now on my way to under 200. I feel nervous.

Wait, hold the phone...
I feel nervous?
That post was written by me...I was in a great mood.. I was on my way.

This is why I am always talking about the mental...how it can sneak up on you...

I FEEL NERVOUS.
Now where did that phrase come from?
I know where...I figured it out not long after...
you see, I was approaching 200...somewhere along the road of life, in my mind, I had convinced myself that all my fat was keeping me safe.
I had an abusive homelife growing up...I was approaching a milestone.  When I would no longer be over 200....I could see it from where I was standing..
I knew I had a grip on it...and a feeling of unease was growing.
And then TWO DAYS LATER, every nasty ugly memory reared it's ugly head one night lying in bed....I spent one full day in bed trying to deal with it instead of eat it...It took me three full days TO CRAWL OUT OF THAT PIT.

Here is a couple days later in my weight loss journey...
09/04/09
"Hello, back from the pit and ready to go. I spent three hours tonight riding around and passing by burger joints, mexican restaurants and chinese takeout,making deals with myself. Eat and you can start again tomorrow. Just this once, medicate yourself with food. Then I would say , "No, pass it up there will be another one". Finally I talked myself into going home by saying, "you can have whatever you want, but you are going to have to cook it yourself". I got home and said to my husband, "I am going on a walk." I walked three miles, in the dark, to the end of our road and back. I didn't take a knife, just my tennis shoes. I came home and ate a meal within my calorie budget. This last week would have been the sort of thing, in the past, that would have put my diet and exercise into a death spiral. The night after I wrote about working in that caboose and figuring out that it wasn't really my home and those choices weren't my choices triggered all these memories. I couldn't sleep because they would flood back in when I closed my eyes. Screaming and the whole nine yards."

and then this bit...

"I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt."

I FEEL NERVOUS...DING DING DING

my psyche knew what was coming...
my conscious mind did not...

I am about 35 pounds or so from dead center normal...
I won't have any thing to cover me anymore....I will be tiny....and part of me fears...
vulnerable.
you see...as smart as I think I am, It snuck up on me again.
I thought I had this thing...I thought that hump back in September was it...
well, guess what...It isn't.
What is still there...but better managed.
The fear.
This is why it's good to stop and see what is going on up there in your noggin.
Why suddenly do I want to hoover the fridge.
Why the fear.
Why the sense of impending doom....
I feel vulnerable.

So now, I have to fix that.
I will be calling the defense institute tomorrow and asking about their programs.
This in and of itself is making me nervous.
The idea of hitting or being hit.
I tried to go to krav maga but they seem to have closed down.
I need to feel able to defend myself to break past this mental barrier.
I ate a big *ss chocolate bar last night before I finally figured out what the deal was...
It happens to the most committed.
If you don't pay attention....you will slide back.
If I don't pay attention....my past wins. My fat wins.
I lose.

Hugs,
Chris

26 comments:

Pink Panda said...

It's funny what numbers can do to our mental wellbeing. I went through the same thing when I was close to hitting "onederland".

antgirl said...

Every day is won or lost in our heads. Although I do not have your traumas, I have my own. I think when we start to turn things around is when we apply thought and begin to understand why we tick the way we tick.

I sure understand anxiety of the capital A type. One step at a time, and you're going to be just fine. I'm always here. :)

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

Man, it's so true that the real work is done in our minds. I'm so impressed with you, Chris, for taking the time to STOP and figure out what is going on with you. I know you can conquer this, too, and any other obstacles that may crop up along the way. Good luck finding a good self-defense course!

Rettakat said...

I appreciate you sharing this, too. It really is a word of caution, to PAY ATTENTION. I think I have been letting too many vague emotions slide recently... my excuse was that I had "more important things on my mind". Yeah, right. Then they sneak up and catch me unaware. Thanks for the word of warning!
I'm glad you getting a handle on it, and taking ACTION to solve it. I look forward to hearing how the defense classes go. Very interesting.
Loretta
=^..^=

Fiona said...

Thanks for sharing this, I need to listen more to myself!

Hallie said...

You're the second blogger I've read to mention feeling more vulnerable at a smaller size. I feel that too. Without the layer of fat to protect, without the heft and size to make me strong, hard to push, hard to drag, unattractive to men, they would leave me alone and not bother me...

I have no words of comfort or advice to offer you because I have never been small.

But I'm sure we'll be okay.

Carly said...

Chris, I completely understand. I just wrote a similar post (obviously not quite so articulately), and popped across to say thanks again for visiting me when I read this.

It's nice to know we are not alone, that other people get a touch of the crazies and get led by irrational feelings. It's only when you recognise what has been happening that you can worth through it. Well done on finding strategies to help you through XX

Hanlie said...

Wow, that chicken coop bit really resonated with me. I so get what you're talking about. And I know you WILL get past this... Good luck!

Tammy said...

i think a lot of us have our own reasons for not being able to get past a certain point due to a certain fear. I've been avoiding my reason in my mind because it's too painful, and I don't really know how to deal with it (not physical abuse....emotional abuse). I totally get that you want to take classes...I would, too. I'm just not sure how to strengthen and protect yourself against the emotional crap. Life is so scary sometimes, isn't it?

Alix said...

I have a love/hate relationship with my scale. Since reaching my weight loss goal, I have to be careful not to obsess too much about "the number." I know what I need to do. I understand the drill. I need to be able to feel my way through maintenance with my eyes closed because the scale always seems to give me feedback that ends up undermining me. If the number is lower than expected, I somehow take that as a sign that I can relax my eating. If the number is higher than expected, I end up disappointed in myself and it ruins my day. Better to keep chugging along as you say and just do what is right. Make the best decisions possible and stay focused on the horizon, not the footsteps.

Helen said...

At least you figured it out and didn't eat a second chocolate bar. So, now that you know, well, the rest, the ending is up to you.

Alexia said...

I love that you have Bootylicious on your playlist! Hahaha.

Alexia said...

I love this post. Sometimes I think, "Ok so I'll lose this weight, then what?" I'd still be me then. Overeating is just how we handle the hard things in life, and when we stop we are forced to really face our feelings. Scary. I love what you said about cleaning the chicken coop.

I'm pulling for ya.

Jeremy Logsdon said...

Good for you for figuring it out. I think this has happened to all of us, and my price last time was 70 pounds, much more than a chocolate bar.

Sandra said...

I remember writing about this myself way back in October or something like that. Being overweight is comfortable and something we can easily hide behind. Losing weight brings us out to the forefront and sometimes that's a scary place. I think taking your self defense class is a fantastic idea and it is something I've been seriously thinking about as well. When I'm fat, I'm safe, as I'm losing weight and gaining more notice from outside of my comfort zone, I get nervous. I totally understand where you are coming from Chris.

Salina Lyn said...

I think what you're feeling is oh so common. I know I feel it. There's some twisted thing in my head that says if I'm fat, I won't be noticed and as soon as I'm thin, all the world will be looking at me. I prefer to fly under the radar so....I've stayed fat for a dozen years or so. When I think about it, I realize how false the fear is but it's still there. I think it's just one of those things that we have to take slowly and work through. Thanks for sharing it.

Kimberley said...

Great job at getting to the root of what was bothering you. You know what it is and you know how to fix it. Very impressed Chris. Hugs!

TJ said...

Kick that NERVOUS to the curb CHris! You have been AMAZING on this journey and you deserve to be NORMAL> :) I am cheering for you! :) YIPEEEEEE

Robin said...

First of all, I always love the metaphor. I relate to that. I am big on mental pictures. Second, we all do self-destructive things. Maybe I shouldn't say all because I shouldn't speak for everyone. Lots of people do self-destructivet things. Yours is eating. The thing is that everyone has reasons that they do self-destructive things and if you can get to the reason you can stop the behavior. However, you are right about the crap. It is a smelly and painful job and that is why painful avoid it. No one wants to clean out their chicken coop.

I know that you have always known that you spoke to an audience of fellow people who were on a path to lose weight. I hope you now see how much larger your audience actually is or could be...

Jackie C said...

Chris, I was so moved by your beautiful post today that it inspired the topic for my blog. Please check it out. Jackie

Kim said...

Great post. I understand what you mean. For me, there were many emotional reasons why I turned to food/bingeing. However, when I went through a lot healing (aka therapy), I still couldn't figure out why I was still making myself fatter. Finally it dawned on me when some teenage boys made fun of me in passing. I used to hate the attention I got from guys when I was a lot skinnier. I seemed to always attract the scuzzy looking ones. I hated the pervy looks and comments I got that usually led to dating a guy that was less than suitable just b/c I thought I wasn't worth having anyone better. It was always men that hurt me, so I thought keeping on the weight would keep them away...even the one I'm married to. I've since dealt with it some, I finally open up to my husband about the creepy parts of my obesity, but I'm sure it'll creep back on me at some point in this journey. Your chicken coup scenario is perfect. I only hope I handle this stuff and recognize it as well as you do. :) I think a self defense course will be great...I know I'll do the same thing when I get closer to my goal too.

Lorie said...

I have spent or wasted six months hovering around the same old numbers for this very reason. It is so scary to no longer hide behind your fat. It's like a protective barrier. Once it is gone everyone will see the real you. I am right there with you. Thanks for putting it into words. ONWARD!! :)

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Many people say that the mental aspect of weight loss is the real challenge. I applaud your decision to take immediate action.

On a lighter note, thanks for your comments regarding the sale of Girl Scout cookies. You are absolutely right that this once a year sale isn't the cause of obesity, it is the decisions made throughout the year. Kudos on only eating a few cookies while surrounded by them. I was never brave enough to be the "cookie Mom" when my daughter was a girl scout.

Paula Rodriguez said...

I'm proud of you Chris. I get the analogy of cleaning the chicken coup. How many of us listen to ourselves and do the work that's necessary to clean the coup? For me, feeling frustrated or stress, I give into it. Not completely, but I'm throwing in the towel in a sense.

It really is about doing the work mentally. Again, I'm proud of you for looking deep. You inspire me.

Linda Pressman said...

I always felt my fat was a protective layer. It kept men from looking at me (except that I was married twice - duh!), kept me from being a threat to women, kept me being "everyone's friend." I liked being large in the world. Misguidedly, I thought it gave me a sense of power.

All those things were fake, Chris. Being right-sized is just being right-sized, it really has nothing else to say about us. It was just fear manifesting as another roadblock. The power that I convey in this world comes from within me (though Krav Maga would be nice!).

deisegirl said...

What a great post, and am just BLOWN away by your latest photo, what a transformation!!