Well, howdy doody,
I have spent the last two weeks in a kind of funk that is (or was) hard to explain.
You see...I am doing great...fan frickin tastic.
This weight loss thing is just a chug chug chuggin along.
Then all the sudden, two weeks ago...I started getting knots in my stomach all the time.
A feeling of impending doom.
I thought 'something' was going to happen.
Heck, I don't know.
meteor from the sky....randomly pecked to death by angry ducks...
could be anything.
But it ISN'T.
you know what i mean.
It was this
(excerpt from 8/31/09 of my weight loss journey)
When I weighed myself on May 18th, I was 262.4 lbs., I was 33 lbs heavier than ever before.
When I saw 229 tonight, I realized that instead of feeling defeated, I felt victorious. It's amazing what a change of mind can do. I am now on my way to under 200. I feel nervous.
Wait, hold the phone...
I feel nervous?
That post was written by me...I was in a great mood.. I was on my way.
This is why I am always talking about the mental...how it can sneak up on you...
I FEEL NERVOUS.Now where did that phrase come from?
I know where...I figured it out not long after...
you see, I was approaching 200...somewhere along the road of life, in my mind, I had convinced myself that all my fat was keeping me safe.
I had an abusive homelife growing up...I was approaching a milestone. When I would no longer be over 200....I could see it from where I was standing..
I knew I had a grip on it...and a feeling of unease was growing.
And then TWO DAYS LATER, every nasty ugly memory reared it's ugly head one night lying in bed....I spent one full day in bed trying to deal with it instead of eat it...It took me three full days TO CRAWL OUT OF THAT PIT.
Here is a couple days later in my weight loss journey...
"Hello, back from the pit and ready to go. I spent three hours tonight riding around and passing by burger joints, mexican restaurants and chinese takeout,making deals with myself. Eat and you can start again tomorrow. Just this once, medicate yourself with food. Then I would say , "No, pass it up there will be another one". Finally I talked myself into going home by saying, "you can have whatever you want, but you are going to have to cook it yourself". I got home and said to my husband, "I am going on a walk." I walked three miles, in the dark, to the end of our road and back. I didn't take a knife, just my tennis shoes. I came home and ate a meal within my calorie budget. This last week would have been the sort of thing, in the past, that would have put my diet and exercise into a death spiral. The night after I wrote about working in that caboose and figuring out that it wasn't really my home and those choices weren't my choices triggered all these memories. I couldn't sleep because they would flood back in when I closed my eyes. Screaming and the whole nine yards."
and then this bit...
"I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt."
I FEEL NERVOUS...DING DING DING
my psyche knew what was coming...
my conscious mind did not...
I am about 35 pounds or so from dead center normal...
I won't have any thing to cover me anymore....I will be tiny....and part of me fears...
you see...as smart as I think I am, It snuck up on me again.
I thought I had this thing...I thought that hump back in September was it...
well, guess what...It isn't.
What is still there...but better managed.
This is why it's good to stop and see what is going on up there in your noggin.
Why suddenly do I want to hoover the fridge.
Why the fear.
Why the sense of impending doom....
I feel vulnerable.
So now, I have to fix that.
I will be calling the defense institute tomorrow and asking about their programs.
This in and of itself is making me nervous.
The idea of hitting or being hit.
I tried to go to krav maga but they seem to have closed down.
I need to feel able to defend myself to break past this mental barrier.
I ate a big *ss chocolate bar last night before I finally figured out what the deal was...
It happens to the most committed.
If you don't pay attention....you will slide back.
If I don't pay attention....my past wins. My fat wins.