What I learned about God and men this week....

You know,
you may think this would be obvious..what I am about to tell you.
And it has been, but not in a real way..
not until lately.
I have finally realized that I am a Christian with a capital C.
Up till now it has all been turned inward.
It was all about being a christian inside...
Making sure that my conscience was clear...that my thoughts were going in the right direction.
That I kept my priorities straight.
That I walked straight.
Giving to people that was deliberate but not talked about. (still won't be...)
That is good.
the bad...
I have a mouth.
A bad one.
I cuss way too much.
I let it go cause I figure God knows my heart, he knows what I mean.
And that is what counts.

I finally realized that I owe God more than that.
I am a Christian, and one of many.
No, I am not the universe's Captain Christian out to save humanity.
I can't do it...I don't save anyone...God does.
But I am supposed to be a light.
I don't mean by standing on street corners handing out tracts.
I mean in my home...and to the world at large.
My home should feel like a place of warmth and love.
To anyone who enters.
They shouldn't feel judged, or condemned or unwelcome.
They should feel loved.
How I use language does matter.
How I keep my home and my heart attitude, it matters.
How I approach problems, my attitude towards them..
it may be the only time someone gets to see a Christian in that problem...If i come at it with anger, and irritation...what does that say..that I am human, yes.
But it says that God has done nothing for me...when he has.
I just have given myself permission to be (this is usually where I would cuss...lol) a bad person.
I need to cultivate patience with my children and my husband first.
To my friends when I speak.
Because I am either building up or tearing down.
Every word I say, I will answer for...
So, if I say something foolish...even as a jest..and it tears someone down a little.
How does that make the world better?
It doesn't.
If I criticize, but never approve.
Who does that teach?
My heart and what it reads, what it listens to...they matter.
For from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
I stopped reading romance novels a few months ago.
I don't think they are 'wrong'.
But I finally realized I wanted to start filling it (meaning my mind) with something important.
I realized I wanted to read the bible..
then I wanted to go to church.
Then I wanted a GOOD church.
I want to pray. I want to find my way back to the relationship I used to have with God.
When I could feel him with me almost every minute of every day.
When what I 'looked' like didn't matter because I was focused on others.
I want to be healthy for my family and so I don't become a stumbling block to people hearing what I am saying.
It's something I figured out through weight loss.
I finally realized how much people process through their eyes.
I finally get the whole stumbling block thing.
People only see the outside.
They believe what they see, what they hear....
To be a light, I can't talk about it..
what is that quote...found it:

“Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.”

There...it's Ralph Waldo Emerson...
I never really let that sink in before.
I need to be "God's hands" so loudly that I don't have to talk about it.
I am so impatient.
I am so hard headed and hard hearted.
I've got a fast mouth.
I am a loner.
Being a gracious hostess.
Being a person who watches what they say and how they say it .
These are going to be very hard for me.
I think I wrote a while back that I would know when God kicks me hard enough that it is time to start growing again.
Well, I have sustained my weight these last two weeks...eating maintenance...doing my exercise.
I will start losing the final 18 pounds starting tomorrow.
But while I am, I will also be doing the above.
I am going to start stripping away what isn't necessary.
Words that aren't necessary...
And adding things that are.
Kindness. cultivating a kind heart.
being grateful daily for all that I have.
cultivating a positive attitude
using Gracious and uplifting words.
It will take work.

So I think I will be using this poem as a guide...
"An old Sufi tradition advises us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through four gates. At the first gate, we ask ourselves, "Are these words true?" If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate we ask; "Are they necessary?" At the third gate we ask; "Are they beneficial?" and at the fourth gate, we ask, "Are they kind?" If the answer to any of these is no, then what you are about to say should be left unsaid."

I wonder if people will think I've gone mute. lol.

And I just wanted to say to Joy, and Karla that I got your awards...I will post them sometime in the coming week and I wanted to say thank you for them.
Robin...I will make some questions tomorrow.
Hope everyone is doing well and is feeling good.
Hang in there.


A conversation

Hello all,
I was going to post something different...or not at all as my guest post is still up at Val's.

But my head and heart are full of something else right now and I always type brain to keyboard...so you get what you get.

I have a conversation buddy.
He lives next door.
He is five.
He is a talker.
He tells me all sorts of stuff.
Two weeks ago, He told me his dad was going to afghanistan...and that he was going to visit family in ohio but they were going to have to go through washington and texas first.
I said "That's a long trip."
He said "yep'.
"You can go now."
When we are done with our conversations, he always dismisses me.

Today my friend amber came over to ask me if I 'knew' the lady next door to me to my right.
I said no..I have talked to her twice.
I have talked to the little guy many, many times.
Well, My friend says that two officers in dress uniform came to her house today and left one hour later.
My husband went to Iraq four times.
I know what that means.
I didn't know what to do.
So I let it lie figuring I will go over in a day or two with some meals and a card.
as I am going out to the mailbox I see little man standing by the fence.
So I go and say hi...
and this was our conversation.
Hi (this is me)
I say How are you doing...
He says "good'.
"I had my eighth day of kindergarten today."
I say wow...you are getting really good at counting.
(I am crouching so that I am actually below is line of sight...this helps kids talk..they don't feel like you are a giant.)
He says..."Yes, I am learning to count popsicles and cathy took my popsicle bucket.."
this goes on for a while...he tells me he is Team Captain and that he likes it.
I say "I bet your good at it'
he says "My daddy died today."
I said 'I know'
Then he starts crying...and says "He went to heaven and is never, ever, ever coming back"
"I can't see him anymore and he can't see me."
I say "He can see you from heaven."
He says "He can?"
I say "Yes."
He said..."can I go to heaven"
I say 'not for a very long time...and your dad wants you to stay here a long time."
He said "My dad had an army shirt on and now he can't ever take the army shirt off."
I said "Yes he can...cause when you get to heaven you give up your old clothes and you get a white robe that shines like the sun."
He says "You do?"
I said "Yes."
I am crying by this time...cause I just can't stop it.
and he is giving me a hug over the fence...
He says, "But I still miss him.."
I said "That's okay...to miss him and to hurt"...we will miss the people who die"
But do you know who Jesus is?
He said 'Yes."
I said "Your dad is with him and Jesus is just about the best person you could ever be with so your dad isn't alone."
And your dad can see you from heaven so anything you want to say you can say to him.
He said "I can'
I said yes.
So...he goes back inside.
I go back inside and realize I went outside to check the mail and have somehow managed to lose my keys...
so I think I must have dropped them when I hugged him and they were on the other side o f the fence.
so I am trying to sneak around the fence to get them when the gramma comes out.
I told her what little man said
and she said
That's the first time he's talked about it all day.
I am so glad he felt like he could talk.
I am still crying.
I just want to say thank you again to all those who are currently serving overseas, or who have loved ones overseas...our family's danger has passed.
I know how blessed we are, I feel it today.

I am signing off now.


Blog awards and Where I'll be tomorrow...

I did well today..
Back OTK
Back at healthy living.
I have instituted my da da daaaahhhhh....schedule.
This thing is a work of art.
I may take a picture.

Tomorrow I will be guest posting over at VAL's also known as 'seattle runner girl"
It's about How I started on my road to health..and it's entitled..
"Iit's not about the food".
(name picked by Val because I lacked the imagination)
I recieved a sugar doll blog award from Daisy girl at A future success story...
I have to write ten things you don't know about me.
This could get to be comical because I can't think of ten things you all don't know about me..
but I will try.
The other 'thing' is from Robin and I need to answer seven questions...
Which were some interesting questions.
So I thought I would do both...

Ten things you don't know about me...I am going to have to DIG.
oh, here's one:
1.) My first ever crush was Danny Kalehart...very cute wavy brown hair, green eyes.
I was in fourth grade, he was a senior in high school and on the track team and on my school bus..
Danny Kalehart...sounds like a guy you'd have your first crush in..

and to continue in that vein...
2.) First kiss
Mikey evans...my next door neighbor..when I was 12.
Then he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth..and called a halt to that CRAP.

3.) First date ever with a boy- Jason Denton..was a cutie, is still a cutie....and is quite the artist. He carves walking sticks and has a wife named Christine and a little girl.

4.) first car date....Dareld osborne (he was a football player)...snow fest. I was just shy of my 16th birthday.

5.) First marriage proposal was my high school boyfriend....I said 'mmmm...we'll see'.

6.) second proposal was my current husband...I said 'heck yeah'.
7.) First time I flew a kite was when I was 19. I was in NOrth carolina on Wrightsville beach with my future husband because when he found out I had never flown a Kite, he thought it was a travesty. He bought one and took me to the atlantic ocean...cause I had never seen that either.

8.) My favorite food is popcorn.
9.) my favorite soda is root beer.
10.) My favorite coffee is espresso roast from starbucks.

eight questions from Robin...

1.) Which of the seven deadly sins do I 'dance' with.
I am a road rager.
people on the road p me off.
I only yell and have imaginary conversations in my car and never out a window...but still, need to work on that.

2.) If I could live in the body of some one famous for one week...and have access to their need to know info., what a comedown cause he'd have to live in my body for that week as well. lol...
this one was easy.
Barack Obama...
Imagine all I could do in a week.

3.) I do think Angels walk among us...the bible says they do.
I do think there are people who are more sensitive to electrical currents..who can sense things...
I don't think they are 'closer to God'. I think we are all as close to God as we make up our minds to be.

4.) I have dreamt about a future event that happened a few times.
The one that got me the most was a dream I had when I was little. In it, I was running up a hill in the dark and I looked to my right and saw an old abandoned church with a dead tree in front of it.
So, I am at Ft. Leonardwood in 1992 ( in AIT) and I am running up a large hill at 4 in the morning...it's november and very dark...and cold. I get to the top of the hill, look to my right and it is THAT CHURCH AND THAT DEAD TREE.
I nearly quit running right there just to stare.

5.) yes...I feel like I have a gift I am not using...drawing.
But I am starting, finally.

6.) Is there someone I refuse to forgive.
Nope, I have forgiven everyone I need to. It wasn't easy.
but it was neccessary.

7.) If I could add one element to every person's heart...I would add compassion. It is much harder to judge others and create conflict if you feel compassion in your heart for them.
I wouldn't take away hate because some things need to be hated...like injustice.

8.) What was the last movie I saw in the theater and how would I rate it..
despicable me...and I give it 3.5 stars.
It was cute and had a decent message, but it was a bit average.
looking forward to that next Harry potter movie, to tell you the truth.
I read that last book and it was a doozy. Hope the movie is a s good.

Hope you all had an excellent day..see you tomorrow at Val's.


Buddy Jesus....(atheists may want to skip this one)

I just got back from church.
I think this will be my one and only religious rant for the entirety of my blog.
Much like harper lee...I have only one in me...
No this won't be a Pulitzer prize winner...but it will be sincerely sincere.
Do I believe we need a relationship with Jesus?
um, God is whole and complete..the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end.
God DOES NOT need us like we need him.
God is not human sized...he is bigger than everything.
Why is it that churches these days insist on making him 'Buddy Jesus'?
He doesn't want repentance or reform...he just wants to be your buddy....
He doesn't want discomfort or sacrifice...
He just wants you to have positive relationships.
Thats why this church has a group for everyone.
They have a group for single mothers.
A group for kids with special needs..
A group for mothers with young children.
A military group.
you name it...they have it.
You know, when I went to church as a kid...there was one group.
The church.
you went, you sat...the preacher took out a bible, read it, then told you how it applied to your life.
There was no flailing, no self congratulations...no need for special entertainment.
You went because you were gathering with fellow believers to WORSHIP GOD.
Not to be entertained.
We stood on God's word.
If you were bored TOO BAD!
Heck, APPARENTLY, we don't need to use the word religion, oR even the word Christian..
those have bad connotations. (I swear I nearly left right there.)
We will just use the word "relationship".
okay now...
everybody up and hop around because we are going to praise God by flailing about and emoting...We have one young lady doing the seig heil arm raise and screaming and singing...
We have a bob marley wanna be on bass, we have a nirvana look a like on drums and we have lights camera action people and large tv screens.
Aren't we wonderful to come to church and praise God.
Isn't he lucky.
How are the acoustics?
We have cookies out front...sign your kids up for spirit dancing and you come on by for the meet and greet potluck with the new comers group.
Get something out of the bible to apply it to your life?
That's no fun.

This was the church service I sat through tonight.
I hope to never ever ever sit through another one again.
not like that anyway.
Yes Vista Grande Baptist is a drive, but the gas is worth it...
And now a little something to cleanse the palate...

I snapped.


Saturday snark...um, not so much...

Not really feeling it tonight guys.
I thought my head would exploder earlier, then realized I didn't really have the energy to put my snarkiness into blog post form.
So If you want to see what I am referring to click THIS
If you are offended..remember you clicked. lol.
other than that I am writing out the plan I told you about.
It's laborious and time consuming and I have about had it with the 'schedule'...but I will pull through.
I am giving myself friday and saturday off of everything....Just putting things in order and Sunday I will be on my new plan...you have to jump off one horse to hop on another.
Hope you guys have a great night.
I owe val a post...going to write part tonight and part tomorrow and she should have it up when she has it up...which is whenever she decides to have it up...I have no idea because I have not been diligent in keeping track of much but my stupid schedule.
Have a great night...oh and I will be posting some stuff tomorrow in regards to a blog award and some questions to answer. I will try to make it interesting.
Big hugs,


Things I wish I'd said...

I am feeling edgy lately...
It's because I have started thinking again.
I stopped for a while.
For a long time I simply couldn't let thoughts or emotions through because I knew It would derail me.
They would bubble up, but then I would tamp them down...anything that was too strong I simply dug up and dealt with, then buried.
But in the spirit of Robin...who gave me a shout out in her blog that was awesome....I thought I would get all time travel y and a bit melancholy and a lot thoughtful.

There are moments that, when you are in them, you know the memory will never leave you.
They don't even have to be expensive....sometimes the moment is so full of everything that came before and all that has been or ever will be, that there is nothing left to do but stand in it.

When I took my last trip home to see my family, it put to rest a lot of things that, although I had dealt with, I hadn't faced in the real sense.
It's one thing to deal with your past when you are 1200 miles away.
Quite another to go back to the scene of the crime and test your new mentality against prevailing attitudes and old view points.
It was over all a grand success...
So, It was the final night there..and I hadn't really had much time to spend with my mom.
She hadn't worked or anything...I can't explain really.
My mom and I are different people.
But in one or two ways we are very much the same.
The way we are the same is that we don't feel lonely.
I could be alone for days or weeks and not feel 'alone'.
I can be in a crowded room full of people and feel lonely.
I have never been afraid to be in my own head.
I have worked long and hard on tending a clear conscience .
I think the people who can't be alone are afraid of their thoughts...
But anyways.
I realized something on my last trip home.
The reason my mom and I have never had much in common is because she carries a lot of insecurity.
There were things that happened that caused this...but I finally realized why she refuses to talk about some things and why she doesn't want me to talk about things.
She just wants to forget.
She wants to live in the now.
So, we are standing out on the front porch...looking up at the stars.
my mom smoking her cigarette, her long, long hair in a wet pony tail from her shower.
And I remembered.
I remembered the bad times...the screaming and the way she would distract Duane so he would stop hitting us.
I remembered her taking all the fabric remnants from what people gave her, and her making my school clothes in fourth and fifth grade....because that was all she had for me.
And feeling both proud and humiliated when I was mocked in gym class for my clothes.
I remembered how my mom would get up and go to work after dropping us off at whatever babysitter she could find...so she could make money to support us because she refused to take food stamps and Not work.
It nearly killed her to use them.
And that next Christmas after she left the abuser and she made us quilts out of his old clothes, she also signed us up for the christmas tree gift program.
Knowing how proud she was...that must havejust about killed her as well.
Especially when they showed up at our trailer door in their lincoln town car, beautiful wool coats and food basket.
I remember opening the gifts while they were there, but acting like I didn't care that I got a malibu barbie. Because my mom was standing there. I acted all cold while saying thank you.
I didn't want her to think I liked that gift better than I liked hers.
But then I went into the bedroom and got on the bed and combed her hair and touched her dress and thought "now I can show my friends I have one too."
I remembered the night after night after night of goulash..
mushy pasta, kidney beans, tomato sauce and onions and hamburger.
by the third night all the beef had been picked out and all that was left was the mushy macaroni and onions.
and tomato chunks.
And no, we didn't complain.....because it beats onion sandwiches.
I remembered our talks about sex.
They started early, and often and they worked.
I do the same.
I remember just how explicit she was, because she got pregnant as a teenager....she was never much for hugging or talking emotionally.
She never gave advice.
She did give us the space to make our own mistakes and to be our own people.
She also drilled into us that you judge each person as they come...not on how they look or the clothes they wear.
She never complained to us.
She never blamed others for her problems.
And she never quit.
So I stood there staring at her...and there was so much to say...
And I couldn't say anything.
I was going to cry...
She said...I could see you needed to come and talk..
What's wrong?
I said
When I should have said all the above.
I just said
"I love you."
and she looked and said
"I love you too".


embracing my femininity...and uncovering the real pretty....

(Somehow I don't see guys reading this post in droves)

So, I again went and Got my workout in this MORNING..40 minutes stair master and 2 mile walk..
A good workout.
Now, on to the title of my post.
I have noticed something.
This time, I am enjoying being thin.
I was thin right out of basic...but didn't truly appreciate it.
and didn't bother with makeup.
I still dressed like a guy.
In school I dressed in a lot of my brothers old clothes.
In high school I really never gave what I wore a second thought.

But I remember for years while i was morbidly obese thinking..
If I could just get thin, I would enjoy every minute.
I would walk around in those really pretty and feminine clothes.
The archetype of what I am talking about is the dress I saw Carrie underwood wear once.

It's the one on the right (although the one on the left is realllly cute)

Before I felt too big and cumbersome to be pretty and feminine.
I felt 'guy like'.
I was treated like a buddy.
I longed to feel pretty and 'delicate'. (no one puke)
I was so envious of women who were:
like susan lucci:

Here is the irony folks.
I spent years thinking I was 'husky'.
I had so much fat covering my frame I never felt my bones.
Now I am around 149-150 and I still have to push to feel my hip bones.
I think I am small framed.
Petite as it were.
I will naturally be a 4 or 6 when I get to my goal weight.
What is the problem now.
I don't want my oldest daughter to think that is the only kind of pretty there is...
Like I did.
There are these kinds of pretty:

All these women are beautiful in different ways..one in the most important way.

My oldest is 5'10.
She is never going to be petite.
But she is still beautiful.
inside and out.
So, getting the inside to match the outside...well, I have been working for years on the inside...it was getting the outside to match it that was the issue.
I am almost where I want to be...
NOw it's time to embrace the new outside of me.

So I am starting to learn how to dress ME.
on to the shallow part of this post.
I have been clueless up till now about clothes.
The first thing I realized...once I hit a size where cute clothes were the norm and not the exception...was that I had no clue what kind of clothing I liked.
Up till then, I wore what didn't make me look heinous.
I had no idea what
suited me.

So it has been a series of trial and error..
I like v necks and scoop necks....not a rounded collar.
I look better in fitted clothes because I am 'tiny'.
If I wear boxy clothes, it just looks like I am chunky..
a size c chest on a short waist needs to be defined.

Floor length skirts square me out and eat my height.
just above or just below the knee work much better for me..
either A line or fitted.
Although to be fair I haven't tried a balloon skirt yet.
vests are a no no..
jackets with fitted sleaves and a fitted or tailored look that hit at the waist are a yes.
boxy jackets that hit below the waist are a no.
Turtlenecks are a NEVER.

My best colors are pinks and corals, oranges and yellows ...
Not green.
It makes me look jaundiced.
I used to think dark lipstick looked good on me...
now I know light lipstick and a dark eye are a better look.
I look better with layers in my hair.
I look better with a lighter hair color and defined brows.
I use lotion, I scrub my face...I use moisturizer on my face.

It's like I am reliving my teen years...only as a 36 year old woman.
I am going to enjoy trying new things.
What have you discovered about yourself as you have lost weight.
What are you enjoying more.
If and when you lose your weight..
What is the one thing YOU want to try.
If you have children,
What do you want them to know about true beauty?
Well, have a great night guys.
Big hugs,


organizing my life...or trying to anyways...

so you all, who have been reading me for more than a few months, know that I bought every self help book in existence. My less than stellar upbringing combined with the insight that I had no rolemodels for a healthy and balanced existence led me to purchase every book I could find on how to straighten my warped view of reality.
I purchased:
relationship books.
self esteem books.
organizational books.
A guide to the narcissistic family...( a must read for anybody who grew up with self absorbed and abusive parents..)

So, I have taken the main ideas from a couple of organizational books and have concocted this kind of crazy plan for directing my life.
It's a combination of fly lady routines.
S.H.E (sidetracked home exectives notecards for 10 minute chores)
Oh, and even if you don't implement all their ideas...the book itself is so funny you would have to read it just to be entertained._
and making it home zones.... Making it home was a homemaker's magazine that is no longer in print....it was produced by Catherine staat. I read it for as long as it was out and keep the copies to re read.

You seperate your house into zones.
Zone 1 foyer living and stairs and front porch
Zone 2 kitchen and computer area
Zone 3 laundry area and youngest dd's room
Zone 4 master bed and bath
Zone 5 downstairs bath and kids bath.

Zone cleaning is deep cleaning
it's dusting, baseboards, wall washing, fixture dusting type stuff...
along with organizing and decluttering.
You assign zones to the weeks of the month.
I know when people think of months they think of four weeks...but every month has at least 5...one being shorter than the others.
The theory is you assign your easiest area to the short week.
so zone 1 is week one and so on.
I will do my zone cleaing three days a week M, W, and F from 5 to 6:30 except for every other wednesday when I help to run the girl scout meetings.
That should be plenty of time.

Next I institute routines from flylady.
This is for my morning and evening routines so I learn to do it quick and in a subconcious manner.
When I get up I do things in a certain way.
get up and make bed
tidy up my area...
Then wake kids and so on.
I do it the same way every morning till I get good at it and I am fast at it.
My day is pretty much spelled out for me because I homeschool...so from 6 till 3:40 in the afternoon I know what I have to do...
I am switching my gym times to the mornings. I have worked out the last two days at nine in the morning.
This is huge for me.
This way once my workout is out of the way, I can have the rest of my day uninterrupted.
so, drop kate off and get to the gym...get home, shower and start school.
this is all routine stuff.
I have set up my school day like this
drills math multiplication tables, english-parts of speech, bible reading, pledge...
page one of math.
School starts at eleven and done by 3..
And while sophie is working her lessons I can do 10 minute chore notecards...You write chores that take approximately 10 minutes....like washing a window or the back door or doing lunch dishes or putting them away..and when you have a bit of time, you pick a notecard and do that chore.
from 3 to 315 i clean up school stuff and then pick up oldest from school
(it's a charter, no bussing)
4-5 sophie's outside time with neighborhood kids.
5- 6:30 either zone or weekly cleaning (will discuss next)
6:30-7:30 dinner
7:30 30 minute pickup..whole family involved.
8-9 blogging while kids take showers
9-9:30 get sophie ready for bed, read story
9:30-11 personal time.

On tuesdays my little one has an all day homeschool enrichment class (with other homeschool kids...art, music, science etc.) and I will be going to the gym after I drop her off (also why I want to workout in the morning...this way I get it done and out of the way.) And now for the FUN PART, I will spend the afternoon doing quick sketches out in town....my favorite way to draw.
I did a ton of this stuff in germany and it was where the inspiration for some of my best stuff came from.
Then I can spend after school with her talking about her day away.

So, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays will be weekly cleaning.
Things like floor mopping and vacuuming and cleaning and sweeping bathrooms (not deep cleaning...just the sink and mirrors and stuff. Then laundry...
I am switching my 'day of rest' *which means no excercise* to sunday. I will do my walk on Saturday along with the family fun day and church. I think I will make Saturdays sandwich night for dinner.
We all like it and Saturday is a really busy day.
I will walk in the morning, write my grocery list and clean out the fridge..
Sunday will be my errand day...off to grocery shop, pick up girl scout stuff and any homeschool supplies I will need for the week, and pay bills as well as a special dinner every sunday.
Meaning either my world famous lasagna or pizza or dinner out.
If any of you are wondering right now when do I "rest" that will be on Tuesdays from 11-3 when I am drawing...I am looking forward to this if you can't tell...lol.
And I rest in the summer.
IT's always this way...I have just never put it in writing or had a plan to address it before.
Last year was worse...add in girl scout troop leader and then cookie time and you can see why I was constantly b*tching.
So..there it is guys.
My plan in a watermelon shell.
I had a great workout today.
Plan on the stairstepper tomorrow MORNING.
Who would have thought 2 years ago that I would be working out at nine in the morning, having a schedule, be eating yogurt and be a co leader in a girl scout troop..not I.
Get healthy and start living and life will happen.
Have a great night guys.


I am treated differently now that I am thin.

I was reading Deb's blog.
It is absolutely true.
I am treated differently, better, now that I am thin.
In every way, shape or form imaginable...by just about everyone but a handful of people.
There are only four people who have not.
My friend Amber
My kids
my mom.

Where is my husband?
He treats me differently.
He treated me like a buddy before.
Now I am a girlfriend/grab @ss buddy.
It's the truth.
Ways this difference manifests itself.

Men never looked me in the eye...
let alone smiled, nodded or said hi.
Now, they jog a little to open a door for me.
'associates' Lead me across a store for a can of spray paint instead of what they used to do which was grunt and point in a general direction.
Then the dude stood there and asked me if these were the colors I needed or did I want him to look in the back? o.0

It would be me wandering around lowes for hours looking for something and never getting any help.

Since I have gotten thin I have had men
Jump out from behind that big desk at kinkos to help me copy YES COPY 7 sheets of paper in a copier. ( I know how to copy papers.)
pick up a 40 lb bag of dog food in the aisle of the commissary (may I just say I NEVER got help, not ONCE when I was big...) I mean this dude saw me bend down and said "Hey, let me get that..
you are too tiny to heft that bag" I let him....why not. It was novel.
(I could have used the help when I was bigger..it wasn't about me then and it wasn't about me that time either....it was how I looked.)

I have male cashiers smile and look me in the eye...I had one help me find a specific item in the bargain bin...he walked with me all the way to the back of the store and dug through to the bottom to find the last metal index card holder for 50 percent off.
I would go on and on about the customer service, but I have been going to this safeway for 6 years and it's only been in the last 4 months that I received this kind of "personalized" service.

I no longer get snide comments or eye rolls when I order in a restaurant.
like when a guy said to me
"I thought you were here for the large pizza'.

I will never forget the time I was standing in line at another pizza place, (hmmm starting to notice a common them..too much pizza perhaps. Lol) and I looked to my left and happened to catch the eye of a guy who was waiting for his order.
I smiled a kind of automatic stranger smile.
He returned my smile with a look of disgust and then turned away.
I was hurt and humiliated.
I have not had one of my smiles returned that way in quite a while.
In fact, I have men out right stare at me trying to catch my attention.
This may sound awful.
And it is awful.
I am not a different person.
I am the same person who, 100 lbs ago, as I walked through the door of my gym, the men allowed the door to hit me in the face.
Now it's opened for me.
I have the same feelings and the same thoughts.
The jokes i told 100 lbs ago....met with silence.
Now, they laugh.
Am I suddenly comedic genius?
It's a way of treating someone based on outward appearance and it says a lot more about them then it says about me.

But, don't let people in the shallow end of life's wading pool screw you up.
ultimately, it has nothing to do with them.
It has to do with you.
What you want, and what you need.
which is a long healthy life.


Be a Survivor...be a winner.

Hey guys,
I looked back and since I never do 'rules' very well...(probably why the army and I never really saw eye to eye) I skipped around in the month from a year ago and found this post from my something special for jack sh*t series...you would have had to be around back then to know what that was about...but I wrote a bit more about my epic childhood and the lessons I learned from it...and one of the lessons I learned was that I had been born in the wrong place. That for some reason, unbeknownst to me, and probably because I had something to learn...I was born in a place where I did not fit in at all.
This is one of my best posts because it described the lynch pin for every other discovery I have made about myself since....
Lake station, Michigan.
Here is an excerpt from 8-16-09:
"All that summer I felt restless. It is a very small town, a village really. There aren't alot of young people. Its mostly a retirement area. There aren't many jobs, my mom didn't have a lot of money and I worked a lot of odd jobs to buy school clothes and go to the occasional Friday night movie.
Here is the point of this post. I never fit there. From the time I was small, I never liked car harts, I never wanted to camp, get drunk or go muddin' . There isn't anything wrong with any of those things, but they just weren't me. I didn't even fit in with my own family. I thought for a while that I must have been adopted. I loved to read books. I would find books about different places and read about them. I wanted to travel and see the world. I dreamed about the Eiffel tower from the time I was ten years old. I used to hold the antennae on our old t.v. (It was the only way you could get the channels in....to actually hold the antennae up with your hand...) and watch Dallas (or the Grammys, and infamously in our family-once I watched Gone with the Wind...talk about TV elbow). When I was twelve, I talked my mom into letting me watch Out of Africa, when I was sixteen...I sat, practically alone, in the local movie theater and watched Havana with Robert Redford. (The only other person in that theater was my art teacher Mrs. Thurston, whom I had great respect for) I would sit by the highway and watch cars go by and wonder where they were going. I never felt right there. Then one day, I was walking down the hallway and I heard the song Colorado Rocky mountain High. I had never heard that song before, or even of John Denver. It was the line " I was born in the summer of my 27th year, coming home to a place I'd never been before'. It hit me like a hammer...standing in the hallway of my mom's trailer, it all suddenly made sense. Why I didn't fit there. I wasn't home. This wasn't the place I chose, this had been the result of someone Else's choice. Of course I didn't feel right here, this wasn't my home...I just had to find my home. The rest of that summer, while working in that stupid caboose, I sat on those steps and could almost feel my life coming for me. I was so ready. It took me two more years for things to happen. So here is what I know. Sometimes, through no fault of your own...you are not where you are supposed to be and you are not WHO you are supposed to be. If you have this persistent feeling that you just don't fit, or your life doesn't fit you...it may be because it doesn't. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just in the wrong place."

You know, after I left home I found my place. I did travel...saw the eiffel tower. I did what I set out to do.
By doing.
My one shot was the army.
Since that summer, there has been one musician I understood in the same way I understood John Denver.
I was riding in my car a few years back and listening to the radio...up till that point I listened mostly to country and pop.
Then this rap song came on and it hit me the same way the other song hit me...right in the gut..the way the best songs do...It was lose yourself by eminem.
I understood this person.
He could have been singing my song.
And if he would have known me, he would have understood me too.

I was willing to face anything to leave where I grew up because there was nothing for me there.
So was he.
Mr. mathers is my dopple ganger...so when robin got on her eminem kick, I was tickled.
I admire people who have had to actually overcome some sh*t in their lives.
They often have rough edges and aren't always socially acceptable..because their lives made it impossible to play nice.
It's easy to be genteel when you have people in front of you paving the road and behind you cleaning up your mess.
When you have to crawl up out of the hole someone else dug to get to even ground, you are already a fighter.
When you have people all around you settling, telling you to settle...telling you to be a secretary not an artist....
And his most recent song with b.o.b where he says
'allright lets pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
lets pretend things would have been no different
pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
pretend he just made excuses that were so paper thin they could blow away with the wind
marshall you’re never gonna make it makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you’ll win
pretend he just stayed outside all day and played with his friends
pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
and it wasn’t time to move and schools were changing again
he wasn’t socially awkward and just strange as a kid
he had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as sh-t
and he never dreamed he could rip stadiums and just lazy as sh-t
f-ck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch you won’t amount to sh-t quit daydreaming kid
you need to get your cranium checked you thinking like an alien it just ain’t realistic
now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this sh-t and there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed it
and his alarm went off to wake him off but he didn’t make it to the rap Olympics slept through his plane and he missed it
he’s gon’ have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and this WIC sh-t
cuz he never risked shit he hopes and he wished it but it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here
he pretends that…"

If I would have settled, I would probably be married to some dude who works at a minimum wage job, who drinks his nights away and watched my children live the kind of low expectation life I led.
I wouldn't have seen Europe and traveled, I would never know what I had in me.
I didn't accept it.
I listened to that inner voice.
The one that said "This isn't who you are, and this isn't where you belong."

That he got to where he is can only be attributable to the size of the fight in his soul.
When you come up that way, you can't play nice, So you play hard.
It makes you tougher.
It makes you a survivor.
I thank God for every obstacle I have had to crawl over.
It made me so I don't crack easy...
It made me a survivor.
cherish your tough times...they make you.
Have a great night guys.


right place, right time

hey all,
I think you all recall that I am trying to find 'life balance'.
In that vein I have spent friday (now today) and tomorrow not going to the gym.
I walked yesterday and will walk tomorrow...
I will be back to the gym on monday and go monday through Friday from here on out.
Today I went back to church.
I haven't been to church in a good long while..nearly a year.
So for some reason, I woke up this morning and thought.
I really want to go to church.
So...I go.
with my youngest, my oldest had a pressing social engagement lol.
I go..
It's a 'contemporary' service.
Now, I love contemporary christian music..most of it anyways.
(that being said, I like hymns better..)
Some of it seems a bit self absorbed to me..All the hand raising and flailing.
The music was loud and jarring for some reason...and there was 30 minutes of it.
I held on through that because the pastor there always gives a good message.
And I wasn't disappointed.
It was about how being a christian means being a servant.
To put yourself under others and lift others.
I liked that.
It was about Jesus washing his disciples feet in john 13.
Question at the end..
What is your gift, how can you serve?
Good question.
So, we are done with service...and my little one wants to play on the playground.
I go out and sit on the bench to wait.
a gramma comes out and I move off the bench cause it's the only (little) seat.
I am sitting in the grass next to a woman who is on the phone.
She is crying.
Me, I never met an awkward silence I couldn't muck up.
So I say
"Boy, I'm glad to be alive today....it's a perfect day."
(It was, in my defense I have never seen, except in San diego...such perfect weather.)
She says, "Yes it's beautiful"...
Then within minutes she is talking to me.
It happens to me alot.
probably because I am the only one who feels compelled to approach the truly distraught in public places.
She is at the end of her rope in her marriage.
He is self absorbed, he cheated and came back cause 'He knew it was what God wanted.'
but he is miserableand complains constantly... and blah blah blah.
so, I tell her my little 'my marriage was crap a few years ago' story.
I told her the best thing I did was find out who I am and what I wanted and got happy.
Then tell them what you want. They will either straighten out or leave.
And if the unbeliever departs, let them depart.
I told her I knew why she was trying so hard...coming from a bad childhood I laid it all on the line trying...but eventually had to be willing to let God take it, love myself enough to BE myself and not what I thought everyone wanted.
Then she said...
I was thinking last night "I am trying so hard to be what he wants that I had forgotten who I was. I thought because he had left before, that there was something wrong with me.

I said "there was something lacking in him and there still is..and you can't give it to him."
You have to fix you.
She said 'you're right'
(I love that..lololol. No but seriously...you do have to love yourself...who did he fall in love with anyways...not some creation but YOU.)
Then she said My name is Kristin.
I said My name is Chris.

She was Where I was five years ago.
It was her first time back to church in over a year AS WELL.
Tell me God doesn't have us in the right place at the right time.



We are all in Maintenance.....

Hey all,
first blog back without that d@mn acronym and a number.
That was annoying.
you may not know this but we (who are losing weight)
are all in maintenance mode.
What do I mean?
You want to at the very least maintain what you have lost.
You are maintaining your loss.
Whether that is 1 lb or 100 lbs.
Going back up does you no favors.
If you lose a pound...gain a pound, and then lose a pound...
You could have lost two.
But only lost one.
Even though you lost two.
It would be like DELIBERATELY going to the store and for every mile you go, you reverse a half mile, then go another mile and then reverse a half...and so one.
Who wants to do that?
And how frustrating would it be to do that every time you went to the store.
No wonder the idea of losing weight holds all the appeal of ripping your eyelids off.
My goal all along is to lose weight and never gain.
If I only lose 2 or 3 lbs a month...that's fine.
I would rather lose 2 or 3 than lose 8, regain 4 lose 5 regain 2...
That is showing me that I have no consistency.
More than anything, I want this to be manageable for the rest of my life.
I can stand a 5 lb variation once I hit goal.
There will be your normal ups and downs.
As long as it doesn't keep going up.
know what I'm sayin.
So....forget the idea that maintenance is some sort of mysterious anachronism.
It is happening now.
I got a nice walk in today.
I will walk tomorrow and on sunday.
I am keeping my calories between 1500 and 1600.
my focus this week is no empty calories.
anything sweet will be fruit or raw honey.
Anything bread like will be a whole grain
and any meat will be unbreaded.
You get the picture.
Have a great night guys.
oh, and I WILL be posting pictures of my art as soon as I do some.
Big hugs,


HDC Day 25_ This ain't working for me..

I am not a challenges type person.
shocking, I know.

That being said...I think I am ditching this thing and going back to slow and steady.
My body.
It does it's own thing and weighing weekly is going to kill me.
There was a reason I did it monthly.
Weighing weekly makes me nuts. I hold and hold and then drop.

so, blaaaaaa....
This isn't a race.
I am not this person.
I am going to go back to my 'eat 1500 to 1600 calories 6 days a week...and have saturday off 1800 to 2500 calories.
This is how I plan to eat for the rest of my life, why screw around.
I will still be exercising and eating right...
I am 149.
I have no idea what I'll weigh on September 1rst...but it will be less than today.
And certainly less than one year ago...I was at 228 lbs last august.
I did back to school night at my daughter's school tonight.
I had met one of her teachers before, last year at a parent teacher conference (nearly a half hour)...I was around 220 at the time.
Well, when I walked into his class tonight. He shook my hand and said "I don't think we've met."
To which I replied, "I am kate's mom.'
To which he replied...silence.
Then a stare...
then he said.."oh, oh...we have met!"
That was cool.
Oh, i went to the gym today and did something pretty fantastic.
I did one hour on the stairmaster.
One hour.
I climbed 200 flights of stairs.
That is up, and down, and partially back up...the empire state building.
how cool is that.
I am going to work out my blogging and art schedule very shortly...I am in dire need of life balance.
Big hugs,


HDC Day 24....The evil eye... a touchy subject.

hey all,
had another good day..
ate 1470 calories and did my exercises...(Gosh this is repetitive...it's almost like saying I went to the bathroom.)
the stink eye, I used to get it when I was fat.
From men mostly.
Sometimes there was a lady or two who would give me the stink eye...but not many, they were usually very nice.
Now, How do I say this.
I have been noticing something for a while but was afraid it would sound big headed or stuck up..
But after last week I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
I went to enroll my daughter in school...I was wearing a nice outfit and did my hair and makeup...I looked up from a brochure and this lady was staring at me with what can only be termed malice.
She was dressed in sweats and a tshirt and looked like she rolled out of bed.
I didn't give the look back. I smiled and she rolled her eyes and turned away.
Now, It goes the other way.
I dress up, I do my makeup.
I like to look good.
I rarely get the stink eye from men (*hmmmmmm lol)....but I have been noticing lately that some ladies give me the stink eye...even when I purposely go out of my way to smile at them.
It leaves me wondering if I ever did that.
It goes something like this...
If I am dressed up (skirt, shirt...hair done and makeup) I will notice if I am standing in line and the lady in front of me is maybe overweight, and/or dressed in pajamas and or has sweats on...hair messy (Now remember, this was a look I had the corner market on about 13 or 14 months ago.overweight,dressed in sweats with messy hair, no makeup)
She will look back and
It's a quick up and down...a stink eye..then alot of tugging and pulling and maybe even a 'pony out, quick hair brush, pony in" kind of a thing.
one more stink eye, hand and arm through hubbies arm and sudden cuddling.

All of which I find vastly amusing and somewhat sad all in one fell swoop.

I am not dressing up to 'make a move' on someone else's man..
I dress up cause it makes me feel better.
even worse.
I used to do the SAME THING.
the tugging, the straightening.
I fear, even the stink eye.

Maybe I am just screwing up the curve.
I know there is an agreed upon level of 'doneness' when going to the store.
Which is cool. Tight jeans, tight top and major makeup while teetering around on sky high heels like your headed out for a night of clubbing...not cool.
I get that.
But somewhere in the last 20 years 'done' has become undone.
I am not wearing cocktail dresses.
I am wearing a skirt and a shirt and some flats, a quick curl and lipgloss, blush and eyeliner with a bit of eyeshadow...no base or anything..maybe some earrings.

The acceptable level of 'done' these days (at my local walmart anyways)
varies from the teen girls wearing jeans and t shirts who look cute. (and if we are lucky...not too tight) to people who didn't bother to get dressed.
I was a person who, a year and a half ago...would have been standing around in stained shirt, sweat pants with my hair combed but with split ends..no makeup.
I dressed myself the way I viewed myself.
sloppy and fat.
I never realized how much effort went into feeling that way.
Every day of my life I spent thinking of how crappy I felt, how lazy I was...How bad I looked, what a pig I was etc.
It takes much less effort to eat right and exercise...to dress up and put on makeup.
Because I feel good going out.
Once I do all that, I don't worry how I look, because I feel like I look good..and I can just focus on enjoying.
I don't stand there tugging, and fidgeting..and wallowing in self hatred while being annoyed by that skinny b*tch behind me who had done her hair and is wearing a skirt (who does that just to go to Walmart, anyways!)
It's energy wasted on being resentful.
It reminds me of what I saw on CMT once.
There were these ladies talking about Dolly Pardon (who is kind of a personal hero and always has been)
Well, one lady wanted to ask her...'doesn't it get tiring always dressing up and putting on the makeup?
So she asked.
Dolly's response.

I know what she's talking about.
I know the difference.
I feel fantastic. I feel pulled together and powerful.
You don't have to wear makeup and dress up to feel that way...
As long as your life is making you feel that way.
But, it's what gives me that extra bit of confidence.
I enjoy the heck out of it.
I won't give that up for anything.
I am worth the effort and so is every one of those women.
whatever it takes to not waste energy on resenting, but living.

And as coco chanel once said

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.
Coco Chanel

Have a great night guys...


HDC Day 23- shelter in place

Hey all,
how should I describe my day.
I did my workout but went over my calories by about 200.
ah well.
I have changed my schedule and man...it screwed me up.
I was very hungry and am trying to get to bed early early early.
My downfall.
lunch out.
panera bread
I got one hecka workout in.
So, I would call this day a wash.
I did one mile walking and then something happened that can really only happen on military bases.
We had a drill.
A shelter in place in case of 'roaming shooter'.
This is a direct result of that jack@ss in Texas gunning down innocent people.
So there we all are stuck in a hallway (there must have been over 100 people in there)
It took one hour.
either that or there was a real problem and they didn't want to scare the crap out of
I then did 40 minutes on the stairstepper and completed my last mile for a total burn of 550 calories.
I rarely go over, and the reason why is that I do not go to places where I don't know the calorie count...I didn't want to repeat my mistake of the other day and not eat all day so in between Mardels and another store I swung into the parking lot and it was on the border, chipotle and panera bread.
It was the bread.
it was good though.
I am really retaining water....my ring, which was loose to the point of spinning around my finger randomly, is right now, too tight to slip off my finger.

well, I am thinking of not posting daily but maybe every other day to make time for drawing. The only time I am going to have time is after dinner.
After dinner is when I blog and read other blogs.
I don't know, we'll see.
Hope all is well in your world.
Talk at you later.


HDC Day 22=Wahoo.....back to the gym!

I am in at 1440 calories again.
I have a theory about my eating patterns.... My body adapts itself to whatever calorie level I feed it.
(not starvation levels of course...just less)
So, I am not dropping my calories or anything, just noticing a pattern.
I went back to the gym today and had one heck of a burn..700 calories on the elliptical, pluse 150 situps and upper body weights.

Now, I know my Saturday Snark must have p*ssed some people off.
I know everyone has a right to their opinion. It just feels like the only people who are ever told to shut up and sit down are people who have an objection to what seems like a pretty straitforward case of insensitivity on some people's parts..
Under the guise of tolerance.
It isn't very tolerant of them to ignore people who have been hurt beyond repair.
That's all I am saying.
And I don't think they should do it.
I wouldn't. My mama taught me better.

Have finally started some sort of food storage.
bought six cans of tuna and an extra bottle of shampoo...It won't get us through a nuclear war, but it's a start.
I am also doing something I should have done a long time ago..
Make my 9 year old sleep in her own bed when her dad goes to work nights.
We should have different bed times, she's 9, I am 36.
To have any sort of a schedule I am going to have to enforce bedtimes.
I am not an 'enforcer' type parent.
I am more of a 'talker' A 'figure it outer' and a 'cooperative worker througher'..
however, soph isn't getting enough sleep.
So out she goes. lol.
Before you know it I will own a watch.
so, hope you are all having a great day.
I will try to swing by a few blogs.
Have a great night.


HDC Day 21=whoops and weigh in

I didn't eat nearly enough today till dinner...where I consumed around 1200 calories..
I had 2 cups of coffee prior and am sitting at 1440.
don't do that.
I don't know what happened.
I got up and it was go go go all day.
On the bright side I would never have done that in my bigger days.
Forget to eat...bwahaaaaaaaaaaa....
lol, not likely.
I did walk 2 miles.
bad walk...I went to my old stomping ground on post...got 1/3 of the way on my walk and looked up and it was fenced off and was torn up with equipment. I had to turn around and go back.
I weighed in this morning at 149.5
It's a half a pound loss.
But it doesn't upset me...I started 21 days ago (3 weeks) at 154.5.
That's 5 lbs in three weeks.
And if you know my recent past, I have been losing 3 lbs a month or so...so by any stretch this month has been stellar and it isn't even over yet.
two more weeks till September.
This whole Hundred day challenge gig is up on October 30th where I am planning on weighing in at 140 lbs.
Which would be a normal BMI for me.
only 9.5 lbs to go to hit that goal.
The goal after that is 132.
I am planning on ferreting out my maintenance calories starting on November 1rst.
I expect it to take anywhere from 4-6 months to hit final goal (132 lbs) once I hit 140.
I will be continuing the exercise but Saturdays will be my high calorie day.
I have had this plan for a while. I want to settle into my goal weight.
I want to have a plan that works for the rest of my life...that isn't a constant struggle.
I think I will be lucky there, because for the most part...this journey hasn't been. It's been interesting and tough...but not a constant struggle.
I swear, I can't remember how I felt fat anymore.
I don't remember how I felt...fat.
I don't remember how I moved.
NOne of it.
I go back and read and It's like I am a completely different person.
I don't even think the same way anymore.
I have reprogrammed nearly every aspect of my life.
I am (or have been), becoming who I want to be...
I have been allowing some of my old hobbies back in.
The first hobby is Reading.

The thing is...I don't like reading the same things as before.
I used to love romance novels.
I can't get through one to save my life these days.
I do like the wrinkle in time series so far.
I just read the second one...the wind in the door.
I think I will go on and read the third one.

I am tired..it was a looooong day.
I had to buy school supplies for my oldest.
I had to buy one of those handy dandy graphing calculators.
My daughter and I spent upwards of 10 minutes attempting to find the off button.
Then this digital clock came up and said 10 minutes to 'automatic power down'.
I also went to micheal's and bought some of my own oil pastels which I want to try out soon.
I really like the medium....I loved colored pencil but I just couldn't get my thoughts down fast enough with the colored pencil.
You can do great sweeps of color with these and blend as well.
I got 36 very cheap...just 11 dollars.
After I work on my blending techniques and some color theory and perspective drawing I am going to invest in some thinner and experiment with the oil pastels.

Well, tomorrow it's back to the gym to pound out another week.
I want to be down to 148.5 by next Sunday.
Have a great night guys.


Saturday snark- In the spirit of tolerance...

sometimes you have to laugh or you'd cry...
so, in the spirit of tolerance I would like to give a big old THUMBS UP
to building a mosque and 'community center' a mere two blocks from where three thousand of our fellow citizens breathed their last breaths, called thier loved ones....and died.

I mean, if we can't embrace the right to religious freedom by erecting a gargantuan mosque within spitting distance of where three thousand of our fellow citizens died, What kind of country are we?

In that vein I would like to propose a few more monuments we could erect...
How's about a monument to marksmanship at the Texas schoolbook repository?
A sheet sale on Martin Luther King Jr's birthday.
Or an amusement park called "Ye olde Crusades" in Downtown baghdad...half off for all military members on the anniversary of our 2003 invasion.

And in the spirit of tolerance for our tolerance
I say we open a gay strip club next door to the Cordoba mosque and call it 'You mecca me hot'.
This was not my idea btw...
It was Greg Gutfeld's..
He even wrote a letter to the Cordoba mosque with his proposal.

Their response...
He can build whatever he wants, but he won't be opening a dialogue with muslims if he doesn't take "their sensibilities' into account.

You know, like they took ours into account when they decided to build their mosque within spitting distance of where 3000 of our fellow citizens drew their last breath, made their last phone calls, and died.

Oh, yeah...you'll have to turn off the music to the right...
Just like our politicians have turned a deaf ear to the American people when it comes to this issue.

We wouldn't want emotion to overcome our reason.
Or self preservation to overcome our political correctness.
Have a nice Saturday.
Chris out.


HDC Day 19- Are you really going to eat that!

For the rest of your life?
Special diets.

diets with no fruit.
or no veggies.
or no meat
or no cooking
or no bread.

Yes, there are people who are vegans.
Very few.
Those that do it out of conviction have my respect.
I am talking about people (meaning me)
who go on (or have went on) extreme diets that are 'extra special' to help them lose weight.
You know, the diet that will get all this fat off 'in no time."

I am going to go out on a broad and generalized limb here and say..they don't work.
They may work in the short term...because you are ingesting fewer calories than you are burning off.
Why don't they work long term?

Are you really going to eat that for the rest of your life?

Will I consume nothing but eggs and cabbage for the remainder of my days?
Or hows about no sugar, or no flour, ever?
probably not.
You can structure your food intake to be primarily healthy....but not taking life into consideration will kung fu you in the end.

You have to be able to maintain your eating.....
YOu are learning how to 'eat thin'.
You are not just trying to 'get the weight off.'
You can get the weight off, but if you did it by eating steak, eggs and grean beans for six months straight, I highly doubt it taught you about
Portion control
what foods are most filling.
How to navigate social functions.
how many calories you will need to maintain your current weight and how much exercise.
Any quick fix mentality is doomed to failure.
Including the "starve myself' diet.
The "stick my fingers down my throat and chuck up that half a cake' diet.
The diet coke and twinky diet.
The over exercise and water diet.
Anything you are going to pick has to include food you enjoy and that are healthy, activities and exercise that you enjoy (or at least not hate and can do with consistency) or you will quit.
Because the diet will start to feel like a prison, not a new way of life.
In fact, in the face of this kind of restriction... attaching the words 'new way of life' to your diet will make you want to shovel ho ho's in your face.
You have to be able to have flexibility.
You can't be constantly hungry.
It needs to be a balanced diet, or losing all that weight will not improve your health.
It will not give you the tools you need to continue to succeed.
No special diets for me.
I subscribe to the Sean Anderson method regarding calories.
I eat what I want...with one exception.
I make myself eat only protein and veggies at dinner on my non treat nights.
Because it's a good way to get my veggies in, and it keeps me fuller longer.
Just sane eating and the occasional treat...good amounts of exercise and all the time God allows.
Calories came in at 1300.
I don't want anymore food so there it will sit.
I did 45 minutes on a stairmaster today and could've done that last 15. I walked two miles.
Total burn 600 calories.
Hope you all are having a great day.


HDC Day 18-How do you know?

When You aren't where you need to be, in regards to the mentality you are going to need to lose the weight...

I was thinking about this today while doing many things.
(like coming in under 1500 calories, doing one hour on the elliptical, 150 situps and my upper body with weights, I took yesterday off from the gym So today was a wednesday workout and I will be working out on Saturday as well.)
About why my journey has been different this time. (It's for life)
About what kind of mental work I had done to get to the point where I was ready to ditch the weight. (oodles)

And the first thing I had to do to even get out of the gate..
Which was:
I had to lay aside my expectations.
The first thing that makes me wary when reading a blog is expectations of what life will be like "When they are thin."
I am sure we have all done this.
I know I used to.
When I am thin I will be
more extroverted
have fewer troubles
will be more loveable
will fart rainbows and sneeze sunshine.

Every previous weight loss attempt had an 'end date'.
By october I should weigh ___________
*Insert weight there*
I mean, I would start a diet (that's another warning sign...diets...special ones...)
with the expectation that I would lose the weight for good by a certain and specific date, and the heavens would part, all my troubles would melt away, and I would magically become someone worth knowing.

I would get 20 or 30 lbs in, I would not get the support I felt I needed (more expectations)...or no one would notice, or the reason for starting would come and go (a special event)...and along with it...my motivation would just up and leave.
Because the motivation would be external.

I would have people say "You have to do it for you."
I always thought they were full of crap.
I mean, If you can't do it for your kids...who can you do it for!?


YOU maybe?


Your kids will love you either way.

If you are doing it for your spouse, what if your spouse pulls a fast one and suddenly decides the new, skinnier you is making them uncomfortable?
(That happened to me half way through...He got uncomfortable with the new, more assertive me and started trying to sabotague me...now he is more comfortable again.)
If pleasing him was the only reason, I would have quit right there.

If it was losing weight before going to see my family again...well, I went back and saw my family.
Now would be the time to stop.
The external motivation leaves.
The motivation has to be internal.
And the farther I go, the less weight related I think it is.

It isn't about the weight....well, at least not all of it.
I am not at a place where my weight is threatening my life anymore.
I think this whole journey boils down to
Stay with me here:
Imagine you are ashamed of your weight.
It makes you feel ill and tired and hopeless.
You try to lose weight to please others, but fail.
The food always wins...
Heck it may even be killing you, giving you diabetes...etc.
Your fat might be pulling double duty.
It may be protecting you...not conciously, but subconciously.
If you're weight is tied up in hiding parts of you that you don't want others to see...or the food is protecting you from having to feel....or is keeping others at bay so you don't have to deal.
Then external motivators aren't going to work and any sort of internal motivation will be sabotagued...unless you find a reason BIGGER than the obstacles that are holding you back.

I found my motivator...I had several things happen to me that brought me to this realization....

I am dying.

Do I mean I have a terminal illness?
I mean we are all dying.
I have maybe 40 good years left if I am lucky...(hopefully a bit more if God will grant them)
As I stood there in build a bear I looked at myself and I asked myself:
Is this what I want my life to be defined by?
Do I want to live half a life?
Is this the example I want to set for my children?
Is this the person I want to be?
The answer to those questions was NO!
Every day since has been the first day of the rest of my life.
It was bigger to me than the comfort food gave me.
It was bigger than the fear I had of being seen.
It was bigger than anything.
My reason was life.
I wanted to take what life I had left and believe that I could make it beautiful. That I could make it what I wanted.
That I could either release all the fear, or that I would feel the fear and still live life fully anyways.
After all, I had lived for years with no expectations whatsoever.
What was the worst that could happen?
I would fail?
So, right then and there I let go of every expectation I had of how much weight I would lose and how long it would take.
It didn't matter if it took one year or ten years.
I would eat my calories and exercise.
If I never lost a pound at least I knew I tried.
I wasn't going to die a quitter.
Or even worse, a non starter...
So, if you have all your hopes tied up in being thin to live the life you want.
Then you are putting your hopes in an exterior motivator.
That's a flag.
Start living the life you want now.
Why start now?
Because every day that you let go by without giving it all you've got is a wasted day.
tick tock, tick tock.
You don't get that time back.
Once it's gone IT. IS. GONE.
Let go of that time frame.
There is no time frame on becoming the person you want to be.
I am not perfect,
Sometimes I get ahead of myself.
Sometimes I get anxious.
When I do this, I knock myself back mentally to day one, year zero.
I was continually reminding myself that every day is day one, year zero.
Every day you create the world anew with your intentions.
What you did yesterday is in the history books...tomorrow is unwritten.
All you really are given is today.
So step one...
Know your own reason.
And remove time frames.
It's for life, Your life.
Have a great night guys,


HDC Day 18- Date night...short post

Hey guys.
I goofed and didn't get a picture earlier cause I couldn't find my camera.
Then I found my camera but I didn't have...or don't have time for a picture.
I am going to leave it there.
I got like five minutes so just wanted to say I had a great time at dinner.
My husband said I was the prettiest woman in there.
His buddy was surprised and confused? I think.
Now we are home.
Hope you guys are having as good a night as I am having.
Be back tomorrow.


HDC- Day 17....Time travel to about one year ago...

Okay guys....I am on day 17 of my hundred days challenge....I thought I would skitchy doo back a year to see what was going on in my noggin and viola...I found something pretty relevant to motivation...and commitment and fear and pushing through.
This is from August 8th, 2009. I was 230 lbs at the time of this post...weight this morning
150 lbs.
What a difference a year makes.


aaahhhh....here comes that feeling again.

Hey all, I have lost 32 lbs so far. Fantastic right? You would think so. On a cerebral level, I am ecstatic. I feel better, have more energy (or had), I can do more during the day.

However, I hit thirty pounds about a week ago, and since then I have had, in my gut, a persistent feeling of dread. A feeling of impending doom. I am a big believer in intuition so thought something bad was about to happen. I have been "hungry" for the last week. I have "tired"...feeling "too tired" to walk. (I have eaten right and walked anyway) What has changed? NOTHING. This is where I have always quit before. I have a feeling of dread, I am tired, I am hungry, what's the point, I feel fine now that I have lost some weight etc.

This is where psychological warfare begins, with myself. It was so sneaky this time. Usually I quit easier and so never run into these persistant thoughts about food. This is my fear of losing weight and being vulnerable, being seen. It has lodged in my gut and in my subconscious. It is my subconscious mind attempting to undermine my conscious efforts. That sounds crazy, but this is exactly why I do what I hate (as paul would say). I have a programming in My subconscious mind that keeps me fat. There is a reason I am fat. It isn't because, consciously I want to be...but somewhere along the way, my subconcious has convinced me that my fat is keeping me safe . It keeps me invisible. I am slowly becoming visible, and I know consciously that this is what I want. Subconsciously, all hell is breaking loose.
I need new programming. I am going to keep going, today is my three mile walk and my whole body hurts. I think it's mental, not physical. I have got to reprogram myself. So, I need, over a period of time... Good associations with being healthier, with being thin. When I was young, I was thin. My associations with that period of time was physical, emotional and in one particularly damaging instance, sexual abuse. This person called me his "petite princess'. It wasn't as bad of an experience as it could have been, but it was bad enough. Just touching. I didn't want to be anyone's petite princess, or victim ever again, and so I began to gain weight. .............................................

Right now I feel vulnerable because for the next six to eight months I am not fit enough to really protect myself, and I am not fat enough to be invisible. Tricky. I do have a push knife that I take with me on walks. I know this sounds paranoid to people, but it is just the truth. There is only so much you can get rid of mentally. The rest of recovery takes time and reprogramming. I will get better about weight as time goes on and collect good associations, but I have to get there. It's kind of like being terrified of heights and the only way you are going to overcome your fear of heights is to climb mount everest. So, that is why every pound is a victory for me. When someone loses a half pound and I congratulate them I truly mean it. For some of us, this is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. I wish you all luck and to stay mentally conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them, hold them up against reality. This can be mentally exhausting but is necessary for you if you are going to keep going.
hugs and God bless,

I just wanted to say guys, That this fear didn't just 'go away'.
I have had the same persistent feeling of dread in my gut for the last 10 lbs now.

Every milestone I have reached has made me both happy and afraid.
Now when I get afraid I can go back to that self defense class I took and remember stomping the crap out of the 'attacker'.
It helps.
I am also "aware' of what that feeling is and how to combat it.
This instance above was the first instance.
Every time I overcame it, it got easier.

Every time I had to overcome it, I became stronger.
I remembered why I wanted to lose weight.
That I wasn't going to allow my past to dictate my future.
That I wanted to be healthy.
And I climbed over it, or went around it, or under it or straight through it.
I didn't let anything stop me.
after a while, the motion of my forward momentum was so strong that when things popped up, I just rolled over them...but the next couple of months after this post....
They were very hard.
But getting over them was what I needed to do to make it to where I am now.
So if you are going through trials, thank God for them...for they are what will give you the strength to see this thing through till the end. You just have to fight your way through to build up your spiritual and mental muscle.

I did 40 minutes on the stairstepper and a 2.5 mile walk.
I am in at 1470 calories.
looking forward to my big date night tomorrow.


HDC day 16- Motivation and we have a winner.

Hey all,
It's the red dress 23-7.
Thanks for participating. I spent the last hour picking out my hair do.
What is the special occasion?
Well, I'll tell you, it's going to a nice restaurant with my husband.
It's date night for us.
Why am I putting so much effort in.
A.) I haven't ever before.
not even on my wedding day. I had a sundress...
I picked my flowers from the side of the road.
I didn't appreciate my weight at the time, (138lbs)
I didn't appreciate myself.
I didn't appreciate being a girl.
Doing girly things.
looking pretty.
I never have.
All those things most girls do when they are teenagers, I didn't do.
For many reasons.
I was poor, I was at times overweight...
I was afraid of men.
I didn't want to be noticed.
I thought that even if I tried I would not look pretty anyways so what was the point.
I had an idea of what beautiful was and I wasn't it.

B.) We are going to dinner and we are going to meet up with one of tim's old Army buddies.
All his old buddies remember me fat.
This is going to be fun.

C.) Every day for me is a special occasion.
I don't want to miss one.more.day acting like it isn't.
I know people lament the fact that they didn't get it sooner.
Getting healthy, getting their lives together.
But I made a decision to not let regret mar the rest of my life.
I was lucky to catch it at all.
So why sit around wasting time worrying about what I missed.
Do that, and I just miss more.

Somebody asked me to blog about consistency...
how to be consistent.
But, i don't think consistency is the issue...it's a symptom.

To be consistent you need only one thing.
A reason.
When I say my flip switched ,I mean it switched.
One minute food was it...
it was the most important thing.
The next food was what had kept me from living life to it's full potential.
Food was eating my soul.

That's the best way I can put it.

my motivation.
To get my life back.
Or to get a life I knew was possible, because I could see it all around me..
it was being lived by people a lot shallower and more petty and mean spirited than I.
Was I not intelligent?
Was I not capable?

What was going to stop me?

What is your motivation for losing the weight.
IF it's external...if it's anything outside of yourself and what you want for your life..
I hate to say this, but you will fail.

because the externals change.
You say I want to do it for my kids.
Well, that's great...but it isn't enough.
You really want to do it so you can be a mother that isn't held back by her body.
Your kids will love you either way.
It has to be something YOU WANT.
If you know what you want, and WHY YOU WANT IT..
consistency isn't an issue.
If your consistency is lacking.
Check your motivation.

in under with the cals...and one big ole kick @ss workout puts me in at 700 calories burned baby.
Be back tomorrow...
Big hugs,


HDC day 15- pictures, weigh in and vote for your favorite outfit...

Hey all,
first up..
great day exercise wise.

I didn't walk outside as it was HOT and then it was WINDY and then it was SHOOTING LIGHTENING BOLTS.

So, I went to the gym.
I did one mile and then thought...I hate the treadmill.

Then I did another mile and a half and called it a day.

my calories are in and under 1500.

burn though.
250 calories.

The good news.

I woke up this morning at 150 lbs.

On the cusp of a new decade in weight loss.

I don't remember the 140's...at all.
Never in my life do I recall being a hundred forty anything.
I was 138 in highschool...got up to 156 (next time I weighed myself).
Then I joined the army and the next time I weighed myself I was 136.
Then I met my husband
I was 139...got pregnant.
They didn't weight me the first 6 months.
I know...I know.
I weighed in and I was 163.
The lowest I have been since then is now...150 lbs.

I am hoping to be 149 within the next four or five days.
I am 18 pounds from goal guys.

18 pounds.
I am so happy about that.
It looks surreal on my weight bar.

18 pounds.

That is nothing.

That is one pound 18 times.

I have already lost 112 lbs.

watch out 18 lbs. I am about to kick your @ss.


first up red dress (and new haircut!)
As always...Click to enlarge

Next up
gray shirt black skirt...
So You vote, I wear.

Well, That is about all guys.
Will be back tomorrow with a full report.
Big hugs,


Saturday snark.....Please shut up...

Hello all It's HDC day 14..tomorrow is weigh in.
As for the title.
Do you ever have times when you wish the world would just SHUT UP.
People like to talk.
Heck, I like to talk.
I listen to talk radio.
I watch the news.
I talk to people on the phone.
But, the older I get, the less I want to say.
I often, in the middle of sentence, think
"Why am I even talking about this?"
or I ask myself
"Am I really having this conversation?"

I can see me in twenty years, sitting and letting everyone blather and never uttering a word.
Sometimes I think half of all spoken words are for the mere benefit of filling up the air or just plain mindless babble.
I think people think approximately half as much as they talk.
When they should talk half as much as they think.
That maybe, perhaps...They should not speak unless they have something to contribute.
Which means washington should be silent approximately 90 percent of the time...The other ten percent of their shlock should be put through a bull sh*t machine and anybody spewing some should recieve random electric shocks.
These people rarely contribute anything but more problems.
They make broad assumptions.
They use pat catchphrases like"best for the country as a whole' and wander around calling random events a "Wake up call".
I watch tv at the gym and the sheer amount of self congratulatory speech is sickening.
How many awards shows can there be?
If the prerequisite for speech were that the words must be kind, factual and relevent, educated and thoughtful...and most of all NECCESSARY !
I think the peace and quiet factor would go up exponentially.
And so...with that thought in mind..
I leave you with a clip that always makes me laugh...

I just wanted to say that,
Chris out.


HDC Day 13- I got a haircut.

Hey all,
Well, today was back to the gym..
It was an awesome day at the gym.
I did my sit ups which included some lower abdominal ones that a friend recommended.
(Thanks Mary)
And I did my hour on the elliptical.
I did my upper body weights...
I would say I burned at least 650 cals.
My calories for the day came in at 1520...
an oops with some buttered crackers.
I love me some butter crackers (as helen has noticed)
These have taken the place of my popcorn.
Because I can stop eating crackers.
Not popcorn.
The rest was 'the usual'.
yogurt, a burrito with latortilla tortilla and low fat cheese and beef.
And a sweet potato with walnuts and butter..and of course the crackers and butter.
And my coffee...I blame it all on the crackers.

So.... I got a hair cut and I don't have a picture of my haircut, yet
hOld on.....
okay, so I am here typing my blog and my sophie is yiddering at me about this boy she 'has a crush on'...and she told her 'bff' who told LYDIA WHO TOLD DANNY...
That she liked him..how will she face him..(hands waving in the air)
So while I am digesting all this drama..
Sophie says "it's like rumors, only without the room'.
I will stop laughing later.


Back to the haircut.
I decide to get a real one...(not the one I usually get at kiddie cutters cause I'm there.)
I go the veda salon.
very nice.
It's a little expensive but they always do a good job, that and they wash your hair then give you a scalp massage before cutting your hair.
They also ask you if you would like some coffee or tea or some lemon water...
I say coffee and while I am standing right there she MAKES ME MY COFFEE.
I mean, pours it, and gets the stuff and stirs it...hands it to me and takes me to my chair and PUTS MY FEET ON A STOOL While I am sitting waiting to get my hair washed.

Also you tell them what you want them to do with your hair and they listen.
It isn't the usual "well, I thought I would have some layers here' and then they cut two inches off and call it a day..
They really want to know.
But I am a big listener.
I have no idea what would suit me.
So I say
I have no idea really.
But I do want my hair to have some height and I do want it to come forward and frame my face and I don't want bulk at the bottom.
(so regardless of what I say, I do know what I want ;o) lol)
So she says
and then she starts whacking away.
I don't mean little snips here and there.
I mean big whacking gobs of hair.
I was getting a little concerned.
So once edward scissorhands is done eliminating great swaths of hair..
She says
We will blow dry and then 'clean it up and texturize'.
She blows it out and I have my reservations.
It looks a bit like a glorified mullet.
Then she takes the scissors that thin your hair and once again..
Big gobs of hair.

I have a lot of hair.

All the sudden it goes from glorified mullet to 'hairstyle'.
It's a hair STYLE.
not a haircut.
Her name is courtney and I will be going back.
It looked so good that when I told my husband it cost 60 bucks he saiid
"A good haircut is worth it'.
This from the man who couldn't believe a loaf of bread costs 2.80 cents.

I like it..my husband and I and this haircut and perhaps the red dress will be going out to dinner on Wednesday to Carrabas...
So I will have my oldest take a p
I think I will have a little vote.
I have two outfits....
So I will take pics and you all can tell me which is the best one.

Hope you all had a great day!
Big hugs,