had another good day..
ate 1470 calories and did my exercises...(Gosh this is repetitive...it's almost like saying I went to the bathroom.)
the stink eye, I used to get it when I was fat.
From men mostly.
Sometimes there was a lady or two who would give me the stink eye...but not many, they were usually very nice.
Now, How do I say this.
I have been noticing something for a while but was afraid it would sound big headed or stuck up..
But after last week I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
I went to enroll my daughter in school...I was wearing a nice outfit and did my hair and makeup...I looked up from a brochure and this lady was staring at me with what can only be termed malice.
She was dressed in sweats and a tshirt and looked like she rolled out of bed.
I didn't give the look back. I smiled and she rolled her eyes and turned away.
Now, It goes the other way.
I dress up, I do my makeup.
I like to look good.
I rarely get the stink eye from men (*hmmmmmm lol)....but I have been noticing lately that some ladies give me the stink eye...even when I purposely go out of my way to smile at them.
It leaves me wondering if I ever did that.
It goes something like this...
If I am dressed up (skirt, shirt...hair done and makeup) I will notice if I am standing in line and the lady in front of me is maybe overweight, and/or dressed in pajamas and or has sweats on...hair messy (Now remember, this was a look I had the corner market on about 13 or 14 months ago.overweight,dressed in sweats with messy hair, no makeup)
She will look back and
It's a quick up and down...a stink eye..then alot of tugging and pulling and maybe even a 'pony out, quick hair brush, pony in" kind of a thing.
one more stink eye, hand and arm through hubbies arm and sudden cuddling.
All of which I find vastly amusing and somewhat sad all in one fell swoop.
I am not dressing up to 'make a move' on someone else's man..
I dress up cause it makes me feel better.
I used to do the SAME THING.
the tugging, the straightening.
I fear, even the stink eye.
Maybe I am just screwing up the curve.
I know there is an agreed upon level of 'doneness' when going to the store.
Which is cool. Tight jeans, tight top and major makeup while teetering around on sky high heels like your headed out for a night of clubbing...not cool.
I get that.
But somewhere in the last 20 years 'done' has become undone.
I am not wearing cocktail dresses.
I am wearing a skirt and a shirt and some flats, a quick curl and lipgloss, blush and eyeliner with a bit of eyeshadow...no base or anything..maybe some earrings.
The acceptable level of 'done' these days (at my local walmart anyways)
varies from the teen girls wearing jeans and t shirts who look cute. (and if we are lucky...not too tight) to people who didn't bother to get dressed.
I was a person who, a year and a half ago...would have been standing around in stained shirt, sweat pants with my hair combed but with split ends..no makeup.
I dressed myself the way I viewed myself.
sloppy and fat.
I never realized how much effort went into feeling that way.
Every day of my life I spent thinking of how crappy I felt, how lazy I was...How bad I looked, what a pig I was etc.
It takes much less effort to eat right and exercise...to dress up and put on makeup.
Because I feel good going out.
Once I do all that, I don't worry how I look, because I feel like I look good..and I can just focus on enjoying.
I don't stand there tugging, and fidgeting..and wallowing in self hatred while being annoyed by that skinny b*tch behind me who had done her hair and is wearing a skirt (who does that just to go to Walmart, anyways!)
It's energy wasted on being resentful.
It reminds me of what I saw on CMT once.
There were these ladies talking about Dolly Pardon (who is kind of a personal hero and always has been)
Well, one lady wanted to ask her...'doesn't it get tiring always dressing up and putting on the makeup?
So she asked.
I know what she's talking about.
I know the difference.
I feel fantastic. I feel pulled together and powerful.
You don't have to wear makeup and dress up to feel that way...
As long as your life is making you feel that way.
But, it's what gives me that extra bit of confidence.
I enjoy the heck out of it.
I won't give that up for anything.
I am worth the effort and so is every one of those women.
whatever it takes to not waste energy on resenting, but living.
And as coco chanel once said
How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.
Have a great night guys...