my arms are burning!

today I paid for yesterday..
nuff said.
I went and got my workout...
I have a blog post in me but I want to be clear when I write it..
it's about  life and rebuilding yourself from the ground up..
it's an interesting thought.
Anyone who's been around a while has had to do it in some way shape or form.
I am glad I made it through my remodel in tact.
Many people don't.
Did you see that thing about the football player and his girlfriend.
The news treats these things as if they are all individual happenings.
When you see enough of them,
you begin to see a pattern.
Main pattern.
Women as possessions who can be disposed of...
it's disgusting and it pisses me off.
It's a major reason I am doing what I am doing.
I want to teach young ladies how to respect themselves and draw boundaries...
so they can learn how to pick a guy who sees them as a separate person.
Not an accessory.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.


Becoming a tough broad...

Hey guys.
I had a really good day today.
I went to my self defense class....and I was a little nervous.
Jeannie (my usual instructor) was gone..
leaving me with
This guy...

Sensei Petrone.....

He loves jumping jacks, push ups and no breaks.
So...I went in with the same mentality I took to bootcamp.
I wasn't going to 'drop out' of anything.
And I didn't.
We started with 1 minute of jumping jacks....with our arnis sticks..
Then we went into our striking pattern while doing jumping jacks..
so jumping jack..one...strike to collar bone..for one minute both sides..
You had to stop the jumping jack and do the strike..do a jumping jack...do the other side..
then jumping jacks ...two...backhand strike to collar bone for a minute.
third minute ribs...fourth minute backhand ribs...fifth minute (actually 6th if you count the first minute) stomach..
then for the next 54 minutes we did arnis stick drills with no breaks whatsoever...when we weren't striking, we were holding our sticks our in front of us parallel to our bodies...and I did it.
When I lost feeling in my hands I shook them.
I was there with one other student..
He broke.
I didn't.
I thanked God and my workout plan during that hour.
I understood the drills and I am ready for testing.
Testing is on the 22nd.
My aunt sue called me a tough broad.
I'll take it.
Today was a good day.
I hope it was a good day for you too.
Today I felt like I could hang.
Like I belonged.
Like I took a huge step towards my goals.
It's a good feeling.
Time for bed now.
up and at it again tomorrow.
chris out.


It sleeeeps....

Hey guys,
I got some sleep...of course I was dead tired, so tonight will be another test..
But I got a ton of exercise..capped my calories..
and learned I have to test for my first belt on december 22nd.
I am nervous.
I stopped even thinking about testing because I was kind of caught up in learning self defense.
Not quite sure what I have to know but my sensei is supposed to be sending me some notes tonight so I can practice at home.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Chris out.


Day 4- No sleep

on day three when I begin to lose weight...I don't sleep...then freak out.
This has been an ongoing thing for the last year and a half..
hyper vigilance because I feel vulnerable.
My body saying 'find food'.
My brain wondering how to cure cancer?
I have no idea why...It's pissing me off..that being said..I have decided to just stay up all day...no napping and hope hope hope that I sleep tonight.
We shall see.
I got my exercise in today...one hour of cardio toning...10 minutes on an elliptical and 20 minutes on a stair stepper...I  guess we will see.
 It's 12:13 in the afternoon and I am sitting at 630 calories...
no more eating for  a while.
I just need to hold on till around 8 this evening and then I can get some sleep.
Chris out.

Day 3- In the bag

Hey guys...day three in the bag.
I will be going to sleep shortly with my calories in check and my exercise in.

Nothing feels better than doing the right thing.
Nothing feels better than moving in a positive direction.
Not having the shame of having caved when you lay down at night.
Not beating yourself up because you chose food over health.

It's a good feeling.
Day 3 in the bag..
next up
Day 4.

Chris out.



If any of you read stephen, or even if you don't..he needs support, or a kick in the ass or any thing you can give him...
go here: http://www.whoatemyblog.com/

on to dinner...

yeah, that little sugar thing was as I was leaving the store.
I didn't get any sugar...I didn't eat the candy bar.
I may keep a running list of things I don't eat..
It will be a heck of a lot longer a list than the things I do eat. lol

I got my defense class in and 30 minutes on the elliptical.
So far I would say I have burned 400 calories and I would like to burn 200 more.
it's important.
Hope everyone in weight loss land is doing well.
Chris out.


I don't need sugar..
I don't need a piece of candy while leaving a store..
what am I, a kid?!
thus ended day 3's  little talk.
btw...I did not eat last night.
I went to bed chewing trident and sucking water.
I felt better waking up this morning knowing I did the right thing.
Chris out


I'm hungry...

I'm hungry.

iM HuNgRy....hungry...hungry..hungry....hungry..grunhy...ungrhy....


I am not going to eat.
counter intuitive  isn't it?
I have an apple that I am saving for my late night drive...

Sundays are long..
7 am till one in the morning.
Sometimes this sucks.
But then you get to reach your goal..
it's this shit right here that you have to get past to get to your goal.
So don't f(*)ck it up.

Chris out.


These little talks...

are for me..
When I need a pep talk, I come here and give myself one...
I am back to the get go with this..
doing very well today..got my exercise in...3.8 mile walk.
My friend and I worked out a schedule of toning/cardio for tuesdays and thursdays and saturdays.
We are trying to do cardio toning
Then cardio for as long as we have after...
on mondays, wednesdays and fridays I have self defense class..then need to schedule in 1 hour of cardio to boot...because my self defense class isn't cardio intensive in the least.

To burn fat I need cardio. Period.
1500 calorie cap...I use it because it works.
I am giving myself an h our and 20 minutes a day to get it done...I don't include my self defense class in this other than allotting 20 minutes to toning because we do some sit ups and pushups...

the other 22 hours and 40 minutes a day shall be spent abstaining from crappy food and living my life...
I will be blogging frequently..and  perhaps obnoxiously..
honesty is key.
I am sure at some point offense will be given..
none will be meant.
So forewarned is forearmed.
Hope everyone is doing well on their respective plans...
Chris out.



I remember this...
all the rules I discarded on my way to twenty some odd pound regain..

No 7-11 stops.
No drive thru crap foods.
No sugar.
No white flour.
lean protein...plenty
No excuses..none..

and if for some ungodly reason  you find yourself with food in your MOUTH
that shouldn't be there..
"Just tasting' the dinner you are about to eat as you cook it?
spit it out...
think one bite of chocolate won't matter...
spit it out.
accidentally take a swig of real coke instead of diet?
spit it out.
This may seem extreme..
but all addicts know that once you can rationalize a  bite, you can rationalize 10.

So spit it out.
It's not worth it...
Chris out.


True food addiction is never over...

I have been reading around the web...
And you have read here about my 20 or so pounds I have regained...
and no one said it better than Sean.
over at the daily diary of a winning loser.
Honesty is key to beating obesity.
When you have been successful..then begin to regain.
In some ways you become a victim of your own success.
We aren't supposed to struggle anymore because we've 'beaten it'.
To admit we still struggle earns us anonymous comments that say
"see, you aren't all that..."
"Told you it wouldn't work'
It did work.
But when you start thinking you did it on your own..and that you've beaten your addiction of choice..
That's when the shit hits the fan.
You want to be normal
The problem is I AM NOT NORMAL.
I don't use food the same way a person who has always been thin uses food.
I have foods that trip binge triggers.
And I can pinpoint exactly when I stopped losing weight and began a slide backwards..
I was driving in my car at 8:30 pm a year and a half ago and said...
"Oh, I will just skip my calorie cap for the day even though it's not my cheat day."
I had already had it for the month.
and then it becomes two..
and you are fighting...
and it is a slow backwards slide...
until you begin to feel like you used to feel..and you begin to hide what you used to hide.
And it's time for me to get back to what worked...
to weighing in and to being accountable and to one cheat day a month and to a calorie cap and exercising when I don't feel like it and to realizing
I am catching myself.
Sean is catching himself.
Jack is catching himself.
You see...it will always be work.
It will never be over.
I will always have to be careful.
It's just reality.
so..day 1 year zero..all over again.
It beats going back into the abyss.
Next sunday I will post my weight.
Yes, the weight loss bar is back.
Chris out.


The fainting goat strikes back...

long term peeps will totally get this...for those of you who are new:

http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/2010/03/monthly-weigh-and-and-public.html  which in turn reminded me of this:  http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/2010/03/are-you-pit-viperor-fainting-goatgood.html  that there is a fainting goat out there that kicks ass...I take it as a good sign..Chris out.


Why your greatest weakness is your greatest strength...

We are raised in this society to view weakness as a character issue...
Whatever that weakness may be.
We need to heal it, or fix it...
Or ignore it..
or shore up our strength around it.
So it doesn't hinder us.
What if, by embracing our greatest weakness...it could propel is to our true purpose?
What if, by attempting to sand that scar out...
we rub out what makes us useful?
I think this is what God meant when he said
"Through your weakness you are made strong."
Maybe that weakness wasn't an accident.
Maybe that psychological tear, that emotional scar, that physical disability...
is there for a reason.
And instead of fleeing from it, we are to turn and face it..
and embrace it.
And then use it to encourage others?
For Arnold Schwarzenegger, it was his accent...his massive size.
He was told he would never be a big named actor because who could possibly see his name in lights?
No one would go see his movies.
For Sly Stallone, he had nerve damage in his face....It caused his mouth to be lop sided...
It's The same snarl that he is now known by...
Betty Ford's alcoholism turned into the Betty Ford clinic.
The death of five year old Adam Walsh prompted his parents...Reve and John Walsh (of America's Most Wanted) to lobby congress until it opened the center for missing and exploited children.
I have admired people over the years...Mother Theresa,  John Walsh and others...
and I never really put together why....
But now I know.
It isn't just that they were courageous.
It was that they WENT BACK INTO the source of their pain,
to pull people out.
I never really got Mother Theresa's reasoning for living in absolute poverty until recently...
She put herself in a position of weakness so that she could better understand the weakness and the hopelessness of the people she was helping.
I was watching a tv show yesterday called 30 days.
In the show, it teaches people empathy by having them live as another person lives for 30 days.
In the case of a former pro football player...
he lived as a paraplegic for 30 days.
At the end, he understand that those people weren't different..they just couldn't walk.
And it made him want to help.
Did he have sympathy before?
But did he really understand what it was to get up each day and be dependent on someone to help you get in the shower...get in and out of the car....get you a plate of food?
For me, I understand the mentality morph that happens to women in abusive relationships.
From  healthy, to mentally beaten down, and finally to an attitude of self loathing.
My weakness, my damage, was put there for a reason.
I don't think people who have never been in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship can truly understand..
In much the same way a person who has never been morbidly obese can understand what it is like to  try and give up food as a crutch.
The same way a person who was never bullied...
or never had anorexia..
or has never had cancer...
can truly understand.
That weakness is your gift.
Because it connects you in a way your strength cannot, to the people around you.
It is there for a purpose.
Because really...
if you are going through a painful experience in your marriage..
who do you want to talk to?
The person who has a 'perfect' marriage?
Or the person who has been through it and came out the other side?


I am damaged...
But I have been damaged for a purpose.
So that I could understand and have sympathy for people who have been damaged in a similar way.
So that when I am talking to them, and teaching them...
I am not looking down at them.
I am standing with them and helping THEM climb up and out.
All this time, my greatest weakness has been my greatest strength.


Instinct vs. Discipline in Food and fighting

Hey all,
I had a very good day.
The best day I have had in a long time.
In regards to food.
I have embraced discipline over instinct in regards to food.
I have been following the intuitive eating idea for a while now..
And I understand that there are adherents to this idea that read my blog.
I want to give you my reasons WHY I don't follow that flow.

I believe it's 'intuitive' for a human being to eat more than they need.
Because of generations of feast and famine ingrained in our psyche.
It is human nature to stock up in times of plenty to prepare for times of famine.
It is not intuitive to leave yourself slightly hungry.
Which you HAVE TO DO to lose weight.
The amount of food consumed will not support your current weight, which is the whole point.
You are trying to lower your body fat,  your body weight..
Therefore  you have to eat less to sustain less.
That is the antithesis of intuitive.
Science has shown, when you reach your goal weight.

Your body will attempt to betray you.
Your grehlin (hunger hormones)levels go through the roof.
It is  your body's attempt to regain the fat you lost.
For no other reason than it thinks your prior weight was better at sustaining survivability.

The same goes for fighting.
In class today, we discussed instinct.
We use instinct as a jump off point...but only a jump off point.
Because in a street fight..instinct can get you killed.
For instance.
If someone attacks  you...and  you manage to shake them loose.
What is your instinct?
Well, RUN! Right?
Just because you have managed to temporarily shake that person off..doesn't mean they are going to stay shook..
You have to ensure they cannot follow and attack again.
It means going towards the danger...
Re engaging when you would rather run away.
It is remembering the proper pattern when attacking...not just flailing wildly..
but direct strikes.
High low high....left right left.
Remembering all this is not instinctual.
It is learned through discipline.
Eating less...exercising daily.
These are not the path of least Resistance.
It is not instinctual.
Instinctual is sleeping as long as you can..
eating high fat foods because our palates crave them..
eating a bit more than we need to satisfy our survival instinct.
That's my take on instinct vs. discipline.
What do you all think?


choosing to care

Hey all,
How is it going?
Pretty good here...I have still been going to my defense classes...I have been working out.

I have been thinking.
It is easier not to care.
It is easier to come to a place in life where you simply let go of hoping..
hoping things will get better..
Hoping that what you say or do will make a difference.
I did that...and having done that...I can say it was much easier.
Caring is harder...emotionally and physically.

It's very in vogue to be 'tolerant' of people's choices.
especially when people's choices don't involve you or anyone you love.
"Well", you think "That's their choice."
"They made their bed, I guess they will have to lie in it."
But some people's choices are shaping an entire generation of apathetic and uneducated people.

I was on facebook earlier..
And someone said divergent life choices were like saying 'Potato potahto"
You know...
One person chooses to become a hooker and die of a heroin overdose...that's potato..
another chooses to become a doctor and  heal the sick...that's potahto.

We are all just 'struggling' to be human..so we can't judge the relative value of either contribution.

And to whit...since this is my blog...I say BULLSHIT

I nearly unfriended that person.

well..not that person..but a friend who liked the insanely stupid comment.
It isn't the same.
The reason our society is in the neck deep level of shit it is in
Is BECAUSE of this mentality EXACTLY.
The idea that there are not poor choices or good choices...just choices.
The idea that your choices only affect you, that you only owe things to you..and not your family or friends...the idea that the choices you make aren't a ripple affecting the lives of others.


What you choose to do in life...daily.
Everything from getting up in the morning on time, to making your kids' breakfast...to being responsible in paying your bills OR being kind to that person you meet who is having a bad day.
It does.
What you do MATTERS.
When you sluff off, give into your bad temper...hurt people by being unfaithful or rude or late or inconsiderate.
It's a ripple. 
Does that mean you have to be perfect? No.
But it does matter!
As each day progresses since I have felt whole and capable of moving forward...this phrase has settled into my head "You sculpt your life with your own hands'.

You create it, for good or ill and when YOUR time is UP it is UP.
What does it say?
What do you want it to say..
What do you want it to SCREAM.
What will it mean when you are gone.
Will it be about you...or about the people you loved and loved you.
The people you helped.
What you contributed..what you taught..what you passed on?!
So  the phrase that you could use when looking at two divergent paths isn't potato potahto...

example vs. warning..
legendary vs. infamous.
Saint vs. tyrant.
fulfilled vs. wasted

What  you leave behind you can be a trail of enlightenment...or a path of excrement.
I intend to make the most of mine.
chris out.


F.E.A.R. (how to kick it in the @ss)

False evidence Appearing Real

That was my life in a nutshell up till three and a half years ago.
Loretta made an excellent point yesterday in her comment.
I know how far I've come, but many of you don't.
I know some of you are new(er) to this blog..

At one point in my weight loss journey, I nearly fainted from anxiety while being flirted with by an overly ambitious and obnoxious lotion salesman at the mall.

Panic, racing heart...hyperventilation.

It was my first real experience with flirtation after having been cocooned in my fat layer for nearly 15 years.
It was a humiliating experience.
I tried to laugh it off...but looking back now...it was a blessing in disguise.
It was THEN that I realized the extent of my fear of men, and knew I had to do something about it.

So, I took a self defense class.
It was a one off class to strengthen my sense of self sufficiency, I didn't think much of it before I went..I certainly didn't think it would be life altering.

But in many ways, it is the small decisions that can lead to the biggest changes.
Many times, the difference between success and failure is the willingness to cross over the line of comfort into discomfort.
And that line is almost always the line of fear.
False Evidence Appearing Real.
I was very anxious at the thought of taking that class.

Of what, I don't know.

It was a marked pattern in my life, up to that point.

If I had anxiety, I avoided the situation.
The problem with that strategy was that my anxiety didn't stem from reality...or external situations.

My anxiety stemmed from my internal dialogue.
From a faulty pattern set up from a childhood of abuse.
The patterns of chaos and fear were created by an angry,fearful and chaotic person.

What you feed, grows.

I fed my fear.

I used my childhood as a basis with which to judge relationships. As a consequence, you couldn't get me to commit to anything except the people who had proved themselves trustworthy.
And being that I did not go out much, do much, or participate much...that was quite a small circle that WAS GROWING SMALLER BY THE DAY..

By the time I decided I was worth the effort, I was 130 lbs overweight and couldn't tell you what I wanted out of life.

Hell, I couldn't have told you what my favorite color was..
(BTW: It's aqua)
Here is what I am trying to say.
To be...Do.

It Isn't some magical moment.

It's a realization that something needs to change.

Many people stop right there, I did many, many times.

Here's the trick.
Within you will be two voices.

One that says 'Don't bother, it won't work." "What if it fails'..and "You aren't worth the effort." That is fear talking.
That was the program I had followed.
I felt I had no real control over my situation or my future.
The best I could do was persevere...the idea of creating something never even occurred to me...I was still functioning from the perspective of a child who had no ability to choose without even realizing I was doing it.
It was F.E.A.R.
False evidence appearing real.

You know how you kick it's ass?

You listen to the other voice in your head.
It may be a whisper..Maybe after years of feeling hemmed in and stymied...the voice isn't very loud anymore.
Maybe that voice was replaced with a tape made by an abused and abusive person.

But nearly every human being who is currently residing on planet earth still has a sliver of it...because when they stop having it they kill themselves or go insane....

That is the voice of hope.

It may simply say "Yes'.
It may say "Give it a try!" or  "Maybe you'll make friends' or "It could be fun"...or 'You were made for better things."

That is the one you listen to.
You listen to it and do it...and then the next time there is a decision to be made...you listen to the voice that affirms you, not belittles you...and so you go.

If you are ever uncertain about which path to take.

You listen to the one that says yes to you, yes to life.

When I listened to the voice of F.E.A.R.  I never joined in. I never went out. I never began new ventures or made friends.. Or tried new things. I had created a safe circle from which I could scurry out, grab what would maintain a minimum existence, and then I would scurry back home. Everything I did was fear based. I told myself I was being smart, or canny. But I was basing my life decisions, relationship decisions..on faulty evidence... As a result, my life was home..TV. obesity. one outside friend. and a feeling on a daily basis that I was being buried alive and had no idea who I was or what I wanted.

Then one day, I decided to lose weight on purpose... The thoughts in my head that day were manifold...but the one that stands out the most clearly was this thought: "I deserve better than this." That was the voice of hope... And when I followed it my world got richer and larger and more wonderful. More friends, A church home, healthy, happiness, self knowledge and a sure path to my future.

Listen to Hope.
Chris out.


knife attack and cardio

Hey all,
Thought I would pop in and discuss what I have been up to..In vee arnis jitsu we have been learning about the five angles of attack and how to block and respond to those five angles.
I go in the afternoon, and basically..I am usually the only one in class. I really enjoy that because it gives me an opportunity to ask questions and get a lot of training in.

My teacher in the afternoons in Jeannie.
I like her.
She is lowkey and funny and very good at what she does.
Every day I become more and more sure of my path.
I really believe in this system and I really want to teach other women how to use this system.

I did the incline on Saturday.

My legs felt pretty good but feel I have let my cardio slip somewhat.
So, muscle wise I am doing fantastic, but I am going to recommit to cardio..
At least 30- minutes 6 days a week while shooting for an hour on my VAJ days.
My goal being weight loss and the ability to do the incline in less than 45 minutes.
Below is a video of the five angles of attack and some of the stick work I am doing.
I am very excited about it.
These are skills and techniques I am eager to learn and share.

On another note....I am still at 160 lbs....and I have been hit on twice in the last two weeks by attractive men.
It's not about the weight level.
I think it's my confidence level.
The happier you are, and the more sure of your path..
the more you radiate that around you.
And whereas before, the attention would have sparked a negative consequence..
This time I felt nothing but perhaps a feeling of being flattered and a bit amused.
One guy said "Don't take this wrong...but you make toeshoes look good'. That amused me.
The other guy yelled across a crowded eatery "Are you married? "  And I found that flattering.
of course I said yes, I am...
again, no negative consequence.
I am calmer...
I am working on being calm in most situations.
Thinking things through and applying the calm determination to every aspect of my life.
Impatience is my biggest problem these days, as it has always been.
So learning to stay calm in situations that would have set me off previously is my focus for the next month or two.
Hope all is well with you guys.

Chris out.


How I crawled out of my hole and became whole.

Hey all...
I haven't written allot because I had plenty to say but didn't know exactly how to phrase it.
That never used to be a problem for me.
Now it is, because I understand how important words are...
I used to think words were just words.
But they aren't.
Sometimes words are the impetus to action, and as long as they are..they mean something.
Words without action mean nothing.
I have been thinking about my long climb out of the very deep hole that I used to live in.
A hole that was at first dug by others...then myself.
And I used to ascribe my ascent..or tried to ascribe it to one or two people or moments..
but the people kept shifting...the moments kept shifting..
Was it here or there.
Was it this moment or that moment....
I was trying to explain it to myself and others...you guys, my family.
And I finally realized that it was more a consequence of little life buoys that were strewn out along my life's path.
Buoys that I grabbed and held on to, and utilized to move on to the next phase of my life.
The moment my art teacher gave me a quarter and told me to grab a cup of coffee and think about my life when it seemed that I had come to a dead end.
Standing on a corner waiting for a cab for a date, and meeting my future husband.
A chance talk with a pastor that leveled a truth at me that changed the way I view relationships, a chance look in a mirror...a miscarriage followed by time and space to think.
These all seem random.
And they could have come to nothing if I had discarded the advice, ignored the opportunity, kept myself too busy to think because it was just too painful.
But in each instance, each opportunity, I grabbed that buoy.
I learned and kept moving forward. 
These chances and opportunities and moments in time with different situations and people didn't get me here all at once...but slowly they pulled me along to new places.

I used to wish that I would just GET THERE.
I have little patience..it's one of my biggest faults.
My final weight..
getting over my childhood...
But I have finally realized that even if I had had a magical rope that had dragged me to my final destination at the speed of light.
I would have had what I wanted..but I would not have been able to keep it.
Because I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn to hold on to what was precious.
I wouldn't have understood how precious peace AND WHOLENESS of mind was...
or how to achieve it on my own outside of circumstances...
if I hadn't gone through each trial and learned it for myself.

We are where we are for a reason.
And at each pivot point, it is up to us to do the hard thing.
The thing that we know needs to be done to let go of whatever it is we are clinging to that is holding us back, and move on.

My whole trip has been toward one point.
I have had two instances in the last month that should have sent me into binge mode.
Both involved men making passes at me.
One was even drunk.
And not one whiff of fear.
Not one twinge.
Just  me.
I probed into my brain last night..trying to see if any of the old triggers would trip.
And all I found was a mind that was sound and at peace.
As if this final step of learning to defend myself, (but more than that. knowing that I would be passing it on)...had finally healed that rotten portion of my psyche that had named me VICTIM.
I no longer want to cling to the anger or the fear.
I was taught to fear by a person who himself was full of fear.

And quite frankly, that is nothing to be afraid of.

My last, worst hurdle was letting go of what I THOUGHT made me strong (anger and fear), and embracing what really makes me strong (compassion and understanding and giving).

I sat in the car last night, in my own body...looking out of my own eyes and felt great.
I Felt the wholeness of me, and knew that I was okay. 
That I have something to give that is of infinite value and that no part of me is defective, or less than. I am not afraid. I am no longer a victim.  I am simply me.  Whoever I choose to make that and whatever I choose to be.
It's freeing and exciting.
Chris out.


Three fingers= no fear

Hello all..
I have been silent on my blog lately because my mind has been a mudhole.
I was unsettled water.
I knew what I wanted, but thought I didn't have a way of moving forward.

There is always a way to move forward.
I was talking to a very good friend today about fear.
About how when we carry around fear, it infects everyone around us..
especially our children.

For years I carried a can't do attitude.
I was stymied by my own mind.
Fearful of THE UNKNOWN...drawing up anxieties out of the shadows of my past.
Convinced there was nothing I could do to change my life.
My oldest daughter picked up on my pessimism.
it's one of the hardest things to see...
That even when we are doing our  best, sometimes we miss the mark.
Our frailties as well as our strengths are absorbed by our children.
The good part...over the last three years, as I have gained confidence and let go  of my excuses and shadow fears...my oldest has  begun to embrace more optimism.
It's never too late to turn a corner and change.

I made a huge leap on September 11th.
I signed up for Vee arnis Jitsu.
The class I have been talking about forever.
It was half off for veterans for the first six months.
I decided it was now or never.
so now it is...
And last night, as I was enduring my second night of class (joint manipulation and arm  bars OUCH!)
I watched the most amazing thing.
I watched my sensei take a six foot tall, 300 lbs person by three fingers and make them do whatever he wanted.
Up they went...down they went....Over they went...
I nearly cried at the simplicity.
And the only thing I could think was this:
If my mother had known the magic finger trick...she wouldn't have gotten her ass beat.
If my mother had known how to defend herself, she wouldn't have been so afraid.
And in turn, my brothers and I would not have had to be afraid.
In that moment...everything I have done or ever will do was crystalized for me.
I want to teach this to women, to girls...
The knowledge ITSELF will impute power.
I felt ten times more self sufficient in the two classes I took
..far and above the miniscule amount of knowledge I had gained
The idea that I could, through technique, win a battle.
I was able.
I just have to learn and apply myself.
I want to learn that, feel that and then impart that.
Fear is a  feeling that you won't be able to control the outcomes.
That whatever may happen, you won't be able to handle it.
I allowed fear to control  nearly all of my decisions for years...
The fear got so pervasive that it controlled what I participated in and who I talked to or what I thought of the future.
and when I see it now in others, it can make me sad/crazy/unhappy...but I do understand.
When fear rules  you..
You project it onto everything around you.
And everything becomes dangerous.
And your world becomes smaller and smaller.
When you strip away your fear through becoming capable..
and able.
And allow that knowledge to seep into your soul...
Your world becomes larger and much more rewarding.
And that is what I want to give.
I want to give women the skills to build their own bridge to freedom.
Chris out.


call it what you will..I choose now.


I am done being overweight.
So I choose now.
I have knocked my calories back to 1400 and am doing two workouts a day...
one in the morning and one in the evening.
I will deal with moderation when I get to my goal.
Till then, screw moderation.
It seems to be code for f*cking off.

This was day 2.
You know what...it's a lot more motivating when  you are moving forward..
Then it is when you are going in circles trying to talk yourself out of commiting because
you quote, "want to be able to do this the rest of your life."

Do what..
maintain mediocrity?
I can 'do this the rest of my life' when I get to goal weight.

People can call it crazy, or extreme or whatever..
Call it what you will.
I choose to do the hard work now.
I choose to suffer in the short run so I can win in the long run.

as Mohammed Ali once said:

"I don’t count my sit-ups. I only start counting when it starts hurting. When I feel pain, that’s when I start counting, because that’s when it really counts."

When you push past where  you are now, and push through the pain..You realize that all that time you have sat at a certain point...you were capable of so much more. 
I am better than where I am now. I am capable of more.

I choose now.

Chris out.


Want to lose weight? Try simple

Hey guys...
As I have said before,  I am back on track and moving forward..will post my next loss on September 1rst.

As you all know, I started out morbidly obese. 

I lost weight for the first few months by limiting my calories to 1800 calories and walking a mile a day.

Too simple?

No dissection of calories and carbs and proteins and the benefits of weight lifting etc.


Because when and if you are morbidly obese...the idea of eating salads, yogurt...attending a gym where most of the women are the size of your thigh holds all the appeal of an interrogation by the stazi. 

I saw two ladies this week who were well over 400 pounds.

One was in her car in the parking lot of the px on post.

She was eating a big mac and a extra large soda..

Her body squeezed  behind the steering wheel, it was cutting into her stomach.

She looked miserable.

I remember sitting in my car and eating.

And feeling a temporary relief accompanied with shame and misery.

You get to the point where you feel hopeless..

That it's 'too late'.

She had that look.

The look of the condemned.

I wanted to say something..but knew if I had been in her position, it would have just made me feel humiliated and hurt.

So I didn't say anything.

The second lady was walking to her car after getting off her shift from Charlie's steakery.

Watching her walk across the parking lot slowly...I remembered that pain shooting up through the bottom of my feet...

How every step felt like a red hot poker..

And I was about 150 pounds less than this lady when I started.

the pain she was in...I can't even conceive.

When you are that big...and you have that large of a hill to climb.

Don't worry about the details.

Start simple.

Stick to it..
And in a month or two if you feel you need to eliminate something..or add something...do it then.

When you have success under your belt and you are beginning to have faith in yourself again.

Till then keep it simple.
And know that it is possible.
You are not condemned to spend the rest of your life in pain.

Just commit and begin.


The number one way to avoid regret

I have been doing very well for the last month. I have been controlling my food, I have been exercising and I have lost four pounds.  That is good. 
I have also been listening to one of my favorite motivational speeches over and over and over again.
It's by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 It's a speech which contains his rules for success...
And every time I listen to it, there is one rule that makes me tear up.
It's rule number 5.

Work your butt off...

Live leaving no stone unturned.


That's it, isn't it?

That is where nearly everything we ever regret has come from.

It isn't failure.

It's what we have failed to even attempt.
And if it is a failure, it's the lack of effort in the try.

Who regrets giving it their all and falling short?

I have never heard a person say: "Boy, do I regret giving it my all."

I HAVE heard people say..."If only I'd have tried harder."
"If only I hadn't  quit when I did...I might have made something of myself."

Whether it was the military.
or college
or a run.
or a marriage.

Or a more recent, personal example...

I have made a good friend who is an optimist.
I have always considered myself a 'realist'.

Well, we were at a water park...waiting in line for a water slide.
It was a very popular water slide..and when they closed it down because of lightening-
a bunch of people left (realists most likely).
Leaving us very near the front of the line.

We waited...and waited...for nearly 30 minutes.
The storm didn't look like it was going anywhere.
I advised us to leave and look for a different ride.
She wanted to stay, so we stayed..along with 5 kids.

In 15 minutes it opened..and we were at the front of the line.

How many times had I done that to myself?
Told myself that I was being realistic...when in reality I was simply quitting?

That little nagging voice in the back of my head...
"Did you really give it all you had?"

IF you have that voice and you can't give a declarative YES!...you didn't.

Because when you have given it all you have...you KNOW.

When you leave everything right there.
you know.

When you have lived leaving no stone unturned...

tried every avenue..

Gone to muscle failure.

Gone after your dream.

Gotten to the end of your rope, wove more rope...then got to the end of that rope as well...In an attempt to save your family, your business or your own life.
You know.

The tragedy is not giving it all you have and failing..

The tragedy is  failing to try, and then attempting to excuse it,
 and in the end knowing, ultimately, that you have failed only yourself.

Live leaving no stone unturned
and regret will just be a word in a dictionary.
Not your reality.

That is what I am doing.
Chris out.


Chick fil A and freedom of speech...a guest post

I have been pondering this story from it's inception....Since it doesn't really affect me directly I went to my friend M. To discuss this...and we found ourselves in agreement. She agreed to write a post for my blog regarding the issue....So here goes....

Citizens in Mountain View, California have filed a zoning challenge to keep Chick-Fil-A from building a restaurant in their town because the head honcho of the company does not support gay marriage. While the zoning challenge is not likely to be upheld, the people responsible for said challenge claim they did so to make a point; they wanted to protect their town from a "bunch of bigots."


This company does not discriminate from hiring gay workers, they don't refuse to serve gay customers. The head of the company simply believes that marriage should be defined as being between a man and a woman. This is his personal opinion, it's not some kind of official decree. Yes, it's a family-owned company and the majority of his family agrees with his stance on this issue. The company did put out the following statement:

Going forward, our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena...[we] treat every person with honor, dignity and respect -- regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender.

As a lesbian, I do not understand why the LGBT community is so up-in-arms over this. He said nothing derogatory or hateful about us. He's not preaching our eternal damnation or suggesting that we are in some way detracting from the morality of the world. He defined a single word based on his belief system. To be honest, I actually applaud him for having the integrity to give his honest answer to a direct question.

Frankly, this also felt very much like a set up to grab headlines. Why just ask Mr. Cathy for his opinion? Why not Wendy Thomas, the head of McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, etc.? I'm pretty sure I can guess what Colonel Sander's position would've been back in the day, yet there's no call to boycott KFC. I'll bet that none of these other executives will give an honest answer one way or the other to this question after this fiasco. This was an unfair, underhanded ploy, I think, to garner attention to this issue.

The thing is, I believe we still have free speech in this country. We are all for having this right when we agree with what people say. However, when someone presents an opinion that dissents from our own, we suddenly want them to shut up and drop off the face of the earth. We berate them and name-call and unfriend them on Facebook or whatever. What ever happened to listening to someone's opinion, stating your own, and being able to agree to disagree? Why is everything suddenly an all or nothing proposition?

This boycotting of Chick-Fil-A reminds me of when I was a kid and playing football on the playground. Of course, as kids do, there'd be a disagreement of some sort amongst the kids playing, so the kid who brought the ball would have a fit, grab the ball, and go home. This boycott screams the same immature, knee-jerk reaction to me. Moreover, I think it hurt our position more than it helped. The LGBT boycott has led to a backlash among conservative politicians (Mike Huckabee, for one) who are calling for conservatives to rush off and eat at Chick-Fil-A in support of the president's position. We had a chance to take the high road and we blew it.

Don't get me wrong, I do not agree with Dan Cathy's position on this issue. I am a firm believer that all Americans should have the same rights and privileges under the law—that there should not be special rules that give or remove rights for different segments of the population. I simply believe that condemning a man and raising an uproar to boycott a company because someone voiced a rather benign opinion under suspicious circumstances is ridiculous.


Top 5 MOST ANNOYING COMMERCIALS watched while working out...

5.) Alli:

) The poop it out pill....eat all the fat you want...POOP IT OUT.  lololololol....At least this blocks something.....however, they are not guaranteeing you will make it to the toilet on time. Use at your own risk...and at 60 bucks a bottle....wouldn't you be better off simply not eating all that fat? 

4.) The fullbar:

  Eat a fullbar...you'll be full.   That's the theory....at 160 calories you are supposed to eat this thing and then you'll eat less...otherwise known as the 'drink a cup of water' theory. Fat people didn't get fat because they didn't feel full...they get fat because they ignore full signals and overeat.  So your full bar is full of crap

3.) The Total Gym:
The total gym....IN JUST A FEW MINUTES A DAY...Now I love chuck. He's a great guy...but if I hear..one more time...that I can get fit in a few minutes a day while slogging through my 5 zillionth 60 minute workout..knowing all the info there is about formerly obese people needing at least 1 hour a day, 6 days a week to maintain their loss...my head will explode. Nuff said.

2.) Sensa
Besides the obnoxious flailing and the ridiculous assertion that you shake it on any available piece of shit and inhale it and you'll lose weight....when are they going to stop selling magical dieting fairy dust! This product nearly was number 1 but was beaten by a nose by....

1.) The 'smart for life' cookie diet.

What complete and utter shit. That's all. This one made me the angriest. After 3 years of trying to eat healthy and exercise...watching these people sell non food to obese people by implying that they can eat all the cookies (for life!?)  they want and lose weight is disgusting. It is condescending.

  How about an amalgam of all of these products...whaduya say?! So Grab a fullbar, then 20 minutes later you can pull out a cookie..sprinkle sensa on it, eat as many as you want and then hop on the total gym for a vigorous 20 minute workout...then sit back and watch those pounds fall off.

Chris out.


The end of struggle, the beginning of victory

I had a very interesting thought a few days ago..
(and since I am not blathering on daily....I had time to let this thought sit and simmer...making it boil down to it's essential ingredients...always a good thing.)
My thought was this:
Once I hit goal weight, then what?
I know it seems I have answered this question many times before.
And I have.
But never to my satisfaction.
Then I'll be healthy.
Then I'll look good in jeans.
Then I will have proved I won't be fat forever.

I don't know if any of you have watched Chariots of Fire.
Good movie.
Good points were made in that movie.
The best point made was when one man achieved his life dream and then uttered the words "Now what."
And I kind of answered this question a few months back when I alluded to minimum standards.
That health was not an ending...it was a beginning.
But I didn't answer the beginning of what...
Because I didn't really know what.
For so long...my fight with my weight consumed all my energy.
It was, in and of itself, the only thing I could see.
because the battle seemed to be insurmountable..I  had to surmount it to see that it wasn't insurmountable.
Some people expect good things.
I am not one of those people.

And when I got within sight of a goal line...I realized it wasn't a goal line..but more a brick wall of nothing.
Then what.
All my life I have known how to fight.
Because I have had to fight just to survive....not win...
I don't know what it means to win.
To me it meant..pick another struggle because till now, that is all it has been.
First my childhood...then the military...then the first years of my marriage...then my weight and all sorts of crap...
Maybe this is what people do who have been abused.
They can never accept good things.
They can't seem to accept that it may be a starting point to something wonderful.
What happens when you get control of your weight, your body and your mind.
What happens when you heal yourself mentally at the age of 38?
What happens when your marriage is happy and you are financially stable?
When your kids are happy and healthy and you have free time.
You have assets.
You have ability.
This is it.
This is my chance to figure out what I would have done at 18 if I had been 'normal'.

I realized my battle is no longer my weight.
I have realized it is no longer really even a battle..
now it's  a journey.
And I am capable of doing what I want to do.
I want to do my art.
I have no impediments but my own mind.
My mind is the only obstacle to further success in life.
What or who I should be as was shown to me can  be taken right off my interior mental map and replaced by
I am going to allow myself to win.

I lost another pound this week.
I wasn't even that on point...which I will be this week.
Each day is a new day.
Have a great night guys.


Making today THE day everything changed.....

I had quite a realization today.
It has come at some expense...mostly of time and energy.
My house is clean.
This seems a small thing..
But for years..YEARS...I have struggled to clean my house.
I wafted around on a never ending tide of clutter.
I would get one room clean..
then another would fall apart.
well...a while back I decided I couldn't live like this anymore.
And I got it clean.
I won't go into all the details, but my house is entirely organized and clean from baseboards to cupboards...from closets to bookshelves.
What changed?
I have the same number of kids, and a husband, and a dog.
I changed.
I decided.
And I did it.
I have talked many times about how something flipped or switched or snapped inside of me On May 4th, 2009.
For the first two years, I went on the supposition that it was the sudden realization that I was fat that caused the big change. That my brain snapped to and from then on out I just knew what I had to do...
That it was some mystical outside force that propelled me...and that kept me going UNTIL...

Until I went back to Michigan.
I had a crappy childhood.  I had a growing fear inside of me...a fear of being vulnerable.
A Fear I allowed to derail me till a few months ago.
BUT  During that year following that trip back home, Whenever I tried to get on track..(mostly by hanging on for dear life by continuuing to exercise and trying to count calories or fighting the urge to binge away the knot in my stomach)...I kept losing. I got down to 148 lbs.  Then my fear began to make me lose sleep.  Then I began to have more bad days than good days.
And then I got to the point where I thought..."hey, I don't look bad...I'll just keep exercising till I feel like climbing back on that losing weight wagon'.....

But here's the thing.
I didn't feel like climbing back on...
Whatever impetus I had...being morbidly obese, being unable to breathe...Well, those were gone.
I was no longer ashamed of myself.
I no longer hate myself.
I continued to eat a little too much and exercise...
I allowed my fear and my apathy to keep me away from the person I truly want to be.
Which brings me to where I am now...currently 166 lbs.
(Down one pound so far since I began DOING again...remember one pound at a time...)
I had run away from the scale for over a year...last year about this time I was 156.
It's been a slow steady creep
(I noticed by the way I looked and the way my clothing fit, but did nothing to stop it...as I was still waiting for that magical moment to happen).
But In the last two weeks I have discovered something very, very, very important.
There is no magical moment.
And this is not about the weight.
It's about deciding who you want to be.
The day I put down that latte and started walking...
That wasn't an outside switch.
I pulled that puppy.
At the time, I was too disempowered to realize it was ME.
It was MY decision.
I thought some other, mystical force propelled me.
When in reality....
I began doing what would get me better...
I became healthy.
I became empowered.
I became the person who tries  new things.
Not because I was not afraid.
But because I felt the uncertainty.
I felt the fear.
I felt the crushing reality of all my past failures.
and I
So last week I began DOING again.
Not perfectly.
But counting my calories.
Because I know WHO I WANT TO BE.
You can make TODAY the day you changed everything.
You can be who you want to be.
By flipping the switch inside you..
from wisher to doer.
from failure to winner.
simply by choosing to.
Chris out.


Hitting the Wall

I am taking a quick break from my 'hiatus' to share with you a little revelation I had today
It was the realization that nearly a year and a half ago I hit a wall I'll call "Good enough". Many other people will hit walls..

They may have different titles..

Something like: "Family obligations"
or perhaps:
"Why bother, nobody notices!?"

You were plugging along, doing fine...
when all the sudden you get discouraged...

or tired...or fed up...or anxious.

And you feel worn out.
Kind of like:
 (Geek alert) that scene in Helms deep In The Two towers (from the Lord of the Rings trilogy),
when our heroes of mythic Lore had gotten down to their last resources...and their courage was failing them. They felt tired and began to discuss the merits of either fleeing or surrendering...or fighting on till the death....

They chose the last option..

When it seemed no help was at hand.

They didn't lay down and die.
They stood up and fought.
And as they were fighting, they remembered!

They remembered that Gandalf said he would come on the third day.

And he did.

And they kicked some major ass...and won the victory.

But before that Gandalf's glorious gallop down the hill....all seemed hopeless.



My "Good enough" wall was constructed of things like:
I need to pay attention to my house.
I need to spend time with my kids.
I need to focus on living for a while.

And I did...
But how curious is it that I stopped 10 lbs from my goal.

How strange is it that I had gotten that close only to deny MYSELF.

Had anything changed in that short a period of time?

I finally realized that Hitting the wall is a glorious thing.

Because in every story every told...

It is always darkest before the dawn.

The battle is the most brutal.

The hero the most worn down and weary..

The future the most bleak..

and the odds almost impossible.

And the only way to win is to push past everything you believe to be true..

Past every obstacle.. bleak thought.. rational excuse.

To Knock down the wall, win the battle, and finish the race.

That is how winning is done.

So if you are hitting a proverbial wall.

You HAVE to keep pushing.

Don't retreat as I did...


Because that is the time that your victory is at hand.

I will be back when I have something more to say.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Chris out.



I'm taking one...I have decided to really make the next two months about my family and getting my life in order...I may post..I may not. But my next two months are going to be very busy..I am trying to shift my sleeping patterns...develope a 10 year life plan and get my oldest a license..my youngest swim lessons and to fix up my house. I want to be very very busy living. I may do some picture posts. I will be back. I will still be exercising etc. Hope everyone has a great summer. Chris out.


3 years...one new life

Hello all...Today is three years since I began to weigh myself...my real three year anniversary is actually May 4th. I found a journal I wrote my first month on my diet. It was amazing and enlightening.  I ate around 1700 to 1800 the first month or two...my focus was really on counting the calories and exercising daily....

my favorite blurb....Was the day I wrote..."Two mile walk no longer difficult enough, will either have to make it longer or up the intensity."
This was two weeks after I wrote "walked 2.6 miles today...it was difficult but I did it."

Today I would think a 2.6 mile walk was incidental to daily activity.

I walked three miles yesterday and considered it fluffing off.

I wrote about how I felt..
I wrote about asserting myself in different situations where previously I wouldn't have...

It was very motivating.

It seems so long ago.
I am a different person.

I was working out today with a good friend..
She knew me back when I was obese.
She said "You are a totally different person, you never used to talk..you used to stay to yourself."

I did.

I get out there much more now.
I am really living.
I used to just hide inside my house..watch tv and eat.
Now I go to the gym....have friends and hobbies...activities...
While I might be afraid to try new things...I do it anyways.
I do know that at the top of each page I wrote...

One day Closer.

One day closer....and today I am here...
Do I want to lose more weight?
Will it change me as a person the same way that 110 pounds has?
This weight is incidental...it's cosmetic.
That weight was life changing.
It was more than a physical weight..
It was a wall and a blanket.
It was a comfort and a chain....
but it was a false comfort.
I let it go and now am so happy.
Letting go of the weight involved more than physical weight.
It was emotional weight that was weighing me down as well.
And I have truly let that go too.
Begin, go on and don't quit till you get to your destination.
Three years from now...where will you be..
You really do decide.


Eliminating self hate

My post yesterday dealt with a flaw I have. 
Not doing well with new things.
I would like to talk today about labels given to us by broken people.
Usually they are projections of a person's own self hatred.
I had many labels given to me by people who had been damaged by life.
As a child..I could not see that these people were damaged.
So I internalized their labels as truth.
When they were, in fact, lies.
One label that was attached to me was the label "Dummy'.
I never tried very hard in school.
But as I grew older, I realized..
I am no dummy.
I was also labeled as 'clumsy'.
I may have had clumsy times...but most of my errors were a result of fear.
I spilled things because I was scared and nervous, not because I was clumsy.
I was called prissy.
Because I liked to dress up.
Now to some people...that might be 'prissy'..
These days I like to think of it as 'having style'.

Maybe that's simply a relabeling.
I like to think of it as simply a different perspective.
We need to stop accepting someone's view of us as some sort of ultimate truth...
They are humans.
They are not infallible.
They could have had the best intentions..
But if they left a trail of self  hatred inside of you..
Then I would not hesitate to say..
That estimation of you and your person is a lie.
And you need to discover the beautiful you inside.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Or inherently stupid, or clumsy, or disorganized.
You have all sorts of things to give.
You have a talent.
You have an ability...that no one else can use in quite the same way.
And any labels or definitions that stop you, or scare you away from trying.
They are labels that need to be dumped.
We all have flaws...
No one is perfect..
But only you can be you...flaws and all..
And both you and I are a gift to this world.
God's gift, as it were...
And self hate and playing small is telling God he made a mistake..
When he did no such thing.
I intend to find my flaws and my gifts and improve myself and celebrate me..
and be the best me I can be..


Finding my real flaws....

I know one...I know one!!!
I discovered it after nearly two nights of no sleep...and that was with sleeping pills.

It makes me very very nervous.
eye tick anxious.
What change has brought about this lack of sleep and nervous tick?
I changed my house insurance to another company.
A gal who read a few of my posts made a very good point about my childhood, uncertainty and the feeling that the other shoe will drop.
In my world..there was no good surprise.
Therefore..whatever I do now...If something is 'working' in  the relative sense..
I don't like to change it up.
Even if it will save me 100 dollars a month (which this will).
For instance..
gym times.
I go at a certain time..
any other time feels funny..
now I created new habits..
But I had to do it for a month or two before it felt okay.
Each new thing had anxiety attached...
loads of anxiety.
The really illuminating moment was today.
Our post got a brand new commissary.
It's nice..it is huge..brand new.
Most people would be happy..
I had an eye tick.
Nothing was in the right place.
It's the same reason I like everything to have a place...It feels good knowing where things are.
For a long time, my clutter was my comfort..
because as long as I was dealing with my clutter...I didn't have to think about anything else..
My health, or my hobbies..or getting a life.
Now I want to get a life, so I need everything in it's place.
Changing my house insurance was very weird and stressful.
I changed my car insurance as well to save money.
To most people..these are not  big things.
But to me..I don't like to rock the boat.
There has been a ton of change for me the last few weeks..
I may need to step back and let some of this change settle in.
Let it become my new normal.
It took me two years to really commit to a church.
It took me 12 years after I married to change my last name.
I wanted to make sure it worked out.
If things are going too well..I expect a bad boomerang.
I need to work on my thinking...
To try and expect the best.
I worked out today..but hit at 1900 calories total.
Tomorrow I will do better.
I hope everyone had a great day.
Every day is a new day to push forward.
I just keep trying.
Chris out.


Thin doesn't make you happy

And Fat doesn't make you miserable.
Who you are inside is many times reflected on the outside.
Not always..
but alot.
The exterior is often a symptom of an interior issue.
Fix that issue...(Or in my case ISSUES) and it is in the natural order of things for the physical to follow. 
I was thinking about this today..
And I realized that I am happy....
Truly happy for the first time in a long time.
Happy irrespective of my body weight.
In fact, the last time I went to the doctor I weighed backwards.
Because for the first time ever...the number didn't matter.
I didn't want it to matter.
I wanted ME to matter.
I am not a  number.
I am still in the same clothes.
I am still eating mindfully...counting calories.
I am exercising 6 days a week..
When I reach the pant size I want..I will weigh..
I will post some pictures along the way so you don't all get the idea that I am on some twinkie blowout binge. lol.
But I realized the number is just a marker.
It's not everything.
It doesn't define me.
I want to be healthy and strong.
Today I capped my calories at 1700 and did my whole body workout with my friend.
I walked a half mile afterward.
It's the way I started in the beginning..
Just exercising daily...and keeping my calories under 1800.
The difference...
I am no longer confused.
Or afraid.
Or unhappy.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I have an idea of who I want to be..
I just  have to make it happen.
So I just keep doing what I have been doing.
My house is nearly clean...The only places left in my home that aren''t completely organized are my children's rooms...
and right now I am working with my youngest...it's a process of letting go of things and finding a permanent place for what is left.
I think my disorganized home was a product of a disorganized mind...as my mind settled into place.
As I figured out what I truly believe, and how I wanted to live...
my house begins to reflect my mind.
Just like my body reflects my mind and emotions.
Every day is a day to move forward and leave what is past behind.
The feeling of letting go gets stronger every day.
Today as I was working out I used positive words to motivate myself...
Instead of "don't quit"..I thought...you are strong and you can do it...
Instead of worrying about what I didn't get when I was a child, I choose to focus on what I have made of my life..I no longer come from a place of lack..
My God supplies all my needs..I have a family, friends and a church home.
Instead of moving away, I have begun to move towards.
I am done with fear.
Like my husband said today...
our children's childhoods have been nearly ideal....
living in one place, an intact, happy set of parents...a house, a nice little neighborhood..
friends...a middle class upbringing..
It's worlds away from what we experienced.
We have made a good life.

Next up...achieving MY ideal body.
Not anyone elses....and I will know it when I see it.
The number won't make me happy...
feeling fit will...achieving my goals will...being a person I would have admired when I was a child..Figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life is up to bat as well..
As I move forward, I have a feeling God will  begin placing things in my path....

That will be priceless.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


my minimum acceptable standards and workout buddies...

well, I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wanted to be more involved...that I wanted to start participating..
being proactive,
 and interdependent.
Well, apparently when you care what people think of you..
When you are trying to make friends..
you get nervous.
You wonder if people like you.
If you are being annoying OR what image you are projecting..lol.
You would think this was normal..
in a teenager.
However, I am not your normal person...so this is new for me.
It's easier to avoid trying new things.
Than it is to try and fail.
It's easier to sit on the sidelines.
Then to get rejected.
I am ready to try, and (hopefully not) fail.
I have a workout buddy.
We work out three days a week together.
(The other three days I do cardio alone.)
That means it's not just me I'm letting down if I choose not to do my workout.
I am letting her down.
It's extra responsibility.
Extra accountability.
It also means that I have to think about what I say because she is a new friend...
I spent years with no filter.
I didn't care what anyone thought.
I was 'done' with that.
Now, I want to learn how to operate on a level where I am meeting people who have all sorts of different backgrounds..
If I want to teach, I am going to have to learn how to communicate.
I am going to have to learn how to have a public persona...how to express what I want to say, so that the message isn't obscured by delivery.
I am back on track mentally.
I feel like I am continuing on...and leaving that burden of hate behind me on the highway.
I am not confident yet.
But this new way of viewing the past, the present and the future will be better in the long run.
\It isn't as if some burden has been lifted off suddenly...it's just that each time those memories make an appearance..I choose to look at the matter in a new way.
I could look back and be disappointed that I didn't see this all sooner.
Or I could be grateful that I have finally gotten 'it'...
In the midst of this process...I have realized that my minimum standard of behavior was going to keep me stuck at a level of life that I didn't want.
I was happy if I got my house livable...I was happy if I could simply maintain my weight...get my workout in...
Now I realize instead of looking at those two things as achievements...
That those should be baseline.
They are my minimum standards for acceptable living.
something that is automatic....
My life needs to START there..not end there.
Great...I am healthy
Great...I am organized...

That is up to me!
I get to choose!
Just because I started later than most people, doesn't mean I am disqualified from dreams and aspirations!
I am still coming up with my list..
I will put them on here as I go along.
I did my full body workout today with my friend Brooke.
I kept my calories under 1800....
I am thinking my minimum acceptable standard for calorie intake should be 1500 to 1600 until I hit goal weight.
But I need to think about that before I commit to it.
I don't want to speak rashly anymore.
I want to think things through.
I hope everyone had a great day.
I did.
Have a great night.
Chris out.



To come together to form one whole...

There has always been two sides of me..
There was a side that wanted to serve God..
And the side that feared that God wasn't enough...
The side that wanted to serve God, to live my life for God...
conflicted with the me that wanted vengeance...

or as paula said the other day... Wanted an apology with a list of percieved wrongs laid out one by one. And restitution paid..and made.
When in reality. No restitution was possible.
So I would go back and forth, back and forth.
When you go back and forth you aren't moving forward.
When you go back and forth you aren't committed....
You are double minded.
I had to be willing to let it all go.

all of it.

Every last piece of anger.
I am not a liar.. I could not write it if I didn't truly mean it.
I had to reach a place inside that I could say with integrity...I forgive him.
I think sometimes that I had the idea that the anger made me strong.
But it really made me weak.
Losing your temper.. Being so angry you are unable to control what you say and how you act.. Isn't strength.
It's weakness.
Being the one to forgive.
The one to live with peace in your heart.. The person to live with prudence and self restraint.. The person to extends mercy and does not demand retribution..
That is the stronger person.
Because it is MUCH HARDER.
Being a Christian isn't a crutch.
It's a cross.
And we can't do it alone.
We need each other.
We need forgiveness and we need to extend forgiveness.
We need friends and we need to be a friend.
Being interdependent is the highest level of human achievement.
Doing it alone is easier.
Being alone is easier.
Being accountable, being responsible...and being involved... living your life for God's purpose... is harder..and in the end much more rewarding.
I choose that.
I choose God.
I choose forgiveness with no backward looks or glances.
The past was my road to where I am now.
I will not regret it...I will thank God for it.
It taught me what people are capable of apart of God's grace.
Because If I had not had God...I would be Duane.
Because I would have no idea what unconditional love looks like.
I would have no guide to what kind of response Was expected of me...
I would have no idea that I was invaluable.
I would have been as lost as he still is... And that shouldn't make me angry.
It no longer does.
It makes me sad.
The reason God rejoices in the return of the prodigal is because for ever lamb that falls away and comes back.. it's one life restored...and that life is invaluable not only in and of itself.. but because of every life that life touches..for good or ill.
By forgiving...I win..not just for me.. but for my family and friends and for anyone who reads this and understands and takes the message and runs with it.
To be a light in the dark.
To stand for something...for God.
So I am done having a fit about the unfairness of life.
It's time to make the best of what time I have left, however long God grants me.
It is time for me To be accountable..to take care of my health and my family... and that is the minimum.. I will write more about my minimums...
I am setting my sights much higher.
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.



I desire mercy

Not sacrifice...
Jesus said "Go find out what this means"....

Now for me as a Christian...when Jesus says "Go do this.."
It seems like it is pretty important.
Ever since I read that a while back I have been trying to figure out exactly what he meant..
I am still doing my word study on 'light'...
There are a lot of references to light...the light within us...the light of mercy..
interestingly...whenever the judgement of God is mentioned...it is referred to as either fire or clouds...something that blocks the light.... Have more work to do to fully understand that..
I think I may have gotten a big  hunk of it out of Isaiah 58...
It talks about the difference between mercy and sacrifice..
Sometimes we do things for "God" thinking that is what God wants..
Like laying down our talent to focus on family...
or fasting to 'punish the flesh...like in the passage below...
Isaiah 58:5
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the Lord?
It talks about fasting as a form of self justification...a way to feel superior..
It really has nothing to do with God even though we do it in God's NAME.

God would prefer we did this:
6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 
(He would rather you show mercy or love, rather than to focus on what you are sacrificing for God.)
Then if you do these things....the following will happen...now this is not WHY you should do it...but is a side benefit of being a true servant of God...and not a servant to your own self righteousness. 

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
I thought this last bit was VERY interesting....because I have felt drained...
forgiveness was a command.
I should forgive...and forget
because it is what God commanded...
when in reality that is NOT what God commands...
He commands me to love
The why is the most important thing.
If I forgive as an act of sacrifice to prove my rightness before God...it drains me.
If I forgive to shine the light of God...then I am refilling myself.
You see...one is a sacrifice..a taking..
and one is a filling and an overflow of a never ending source.
One is from me...a finite being..
the other from God...author of life.
I have viewed everything from my limited perspective and concept of justice..
When I can never comprehend the entire picture.
I am commanded to love..
and love never takes...it only gives.
The love is not what we humans view as human love..
it is agape love...
Thomas Jay Oord has defined agape as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being."[3]
The love God has for his  creation...he doesn't want to see a single light burn out..because if one light goes out..or is diverted or thwarted because of sin (In my case. the sin of wrath in response to the same sin of wrath..)...then not only is that one less person (me) to be God's hands on earth...
it stops the infinite spark that I have within that is the seat of the holy spirit.
And God's intention for me...to be a light to others
is inhibited.
When I don't forgive..or forgive from my limited abilities...
I am blocking God.
I become a weakened vessel...a weakened light.
When that happens, the purpose for which God created  me becomes thwarted.
That is not acceptable...
I have needed to Go back to God's word and try to understand why I have felt so  broken...
It is because I am broken.
I am incomplete...as humans we will never be whole apart from God.
I have to let go of my own ideas of justice and trust in God..
and I have to let the love God has for Duane guide me..
not my limited perspective.
I have to lay down my anger, hate, wrath and sense of injustice..
And pick up God's 'yoke'.
It's a lot lighter than the one I've been carrying.
While I might wish to see a temporal justice..
Eternal justice is much deeper.
And that is for God to decide..It is for me to open myself and to not be afraid...
I am digging my way back.
Thank you for your patience with this process.


Darkness is defeated by light...

Still working on things..
But here is what I have come up with.
I am doing a word study and am looking up all references to light in the bible.
So, in a way I am also looking up the absence of light.
I saw an idea in the form of an internet meme the other day..
That There is no Dark.
There is no cold.
There is no Evil...
Not really.
What these  things represent is an absence of one thing.
Jesus said: "I am the way, the Truth and the light."
It warms us.
It represents Good.
It represents illumination.
When it is not present..
Or conversely..
Where ever God is not present.
There is Evil.
Or Darkness.
Or Cold..
or hate, pride, anger, vengeance, unkindness and lies.
We are not the originators of light.
We are conduits of light.
And when we allow evil in...When we allow our need for vengeance to overtake us...
When we allow things to block the light of God.
We become Dark.
And cold.
And evil.
It is a choice to allow God to shine through us...
We are all going to die..
Me, daisy...you.
All we are here to do is to be the 'Glory of God"
Which is the light of truth, love and kindness.
Some people choose to live their lives snuffing out the light of God in others...
But as I read last night... “Indeed, the light of the wicked goes out,
And the flame of his fire gives no light"...
that is Job 18:5.
And, since they lit noone and they lit nothing...
Their memory will be snuffed out in eternity.
But Daisy has lit the hearts of thousands of people...
Simply by shining the qualities of God.
Faith, and hope and joy.
Every time someone new is lit by the spirit of another...that person's purpose for existing has been accomplished.
Daisy has lived a thousand times over and will continue to live in future generations through the passing down of the faith that was instilled by her courage.
It is my job to take the light within me, given by God.
And to pass it on to as many people as I can.
The only way evil and darkness is defeated, is by the light of God.
You cannot defeat darkness with darkness..
It only flees before the light.
That is where I am...
Will be back soon, I promise.