I had a very interesting thought a few days ago..
(and since I am not blathering on daily....I had time to let this thought sit and simmer...making it boil down to it's essential ingredients...always a good thing.)
My thought was this:
Once I hit goal weight, then what?
I know it seems I have answered this question many times before.
And I have.
But never to my satisfaction.
Then I'll be healthy.
Then I'll look good in jeans.
Then I will have proved I won't be fat forever.
I don't know if any of you have watched Chariots of Fire.
Good points were made in that movie.
The best point made was when one man achieved his life dream and then uttered the words "Now what."
And I kind of answered this question a few months back when I alluded to minimum standards.
That health was not an ending...it was a beginning.
But I didn't answer the beginning of what...
Because I didn't really know what.
For so long...my fight with my weight consumed all my energy.
It was, in and of itself, the only thing I could see.
because the battle seemed to be insurmountable..I had to surmount it to see that it wasn't insurmountable.
Some people expect good things.
I am not one of those people.
And when I got within sight of a goal line...I realized it wasn't a goal line..but more a brick wall of nothing.
All my life I have known how to fight.
Because I have had to fight just to survive....not win...
I don't know what it means to win.
To me it meant..pick another struggle because till now, that is all it has been.
First my childhood...then the military...then the first years of my marriage...then my weight and all sorts of crap...
Maybe this is what people do who have been abused.
They can never accept good things.
They can't seem to accept that it may be a starting point to something wonderful.
What happens when you get control of your weight, your body and your mind.
What happens when you heal yourself mentally at the age of 38?
What happens when your marriage is happy and you are financially stable?
When your kids are happy and healthy and you have free time.
You have assets.
You have ability.
This is it.
This is my chance to figure out what I would have done at 18 if I had been 'normal'.
I realized my battle is no longer my weight.
I have realized it is no longer really even a battle..
now it's a journey.
And I am capable of doing what I want to do.
I want to do my art.
I have no impediments but my own mind.
My mind is the only obstacle to further success in life.
What or who I should be as was shown to me can be taken right off my interior mental map and replaced by
WHO I WANT TO BE NOW.
I am going to allow myself to win.
I lost another pound this week.
I wasn't even that on point...which I will be this week.
Each day is a new day.
Have a great night guys.