7.08.2012

The end of struggle, the beginning of victory

So.
I had a very interesting thought a few days ago..
(and since I am not blathering on daily....I had time to let this thought sit and simmer...making it boil down to it's essential ingredients...always a good thing.)
Anywhoozle.
My thought was this:
Once I hit goal weight, then what?
I know it seems I have answered this question many times before.
And I have.
But never to my satisfaction.
Then I'll be healthy.
Then I'll look good in jeans.
Then I will have proved I won't be fat forever.
etc.

I don't know if any of you have watched Chariots of Fire.
Good movie.
Good points were made in that movie.
The best point made was when one man achieved his life dream and then uttered the words "Now what."
And I kind of answered this question a few months back when I alluded to minimum standards.
That health was not an ending...it was a beginning.
But I didn't answer the beginning of what...
Because I didn't really know what.
For so long...my fight with my weight consumed all my energy.
It was, in and of itself, the only thing I could see.
because the battle seemed to be insurmountable..I  had to surmount it to see that it wasn't insurmountable.
Some people expect good things.
I am not one of those people.

And when I got within sight of a goal line...I realized it wasn't a goal line..but more a brick wall of nothing.
Then what.
All my life I have known how to fight.
Because I have had to fight just to survive....not win...
I don't know what it means to win.
To me it meant..pick another struggle because till now, that is all it has been.
First my childhood...then the military...then the first years of my marriage...then my weight and all sorts of crap...
Maybe this is what people do who have been abused.
They can never accept good things.
They can't seem to accept that it may be a starting point to something wonderful.
What happens when you get control of your weight, your body and your mind.
What happens when you heal yourself mentally at the age of 38?
What happens when your marriage is happy and you are financially stable?
When your kids are happy and healthy and you have free time.
You have assets.
You have ability.
This is it.
This is my chance to figure out what I would have done at 18 if I had been 'normal'.

I realized my battle is no longer my weight.
I have realized it is no longer really even a battle..
now it's  a journey.
And I am capable of doing what I want to do.
I want to do my art.
I have no impediments but my own mind.
My mind is the only obstacle to further success in life.
What or who I should be as was shown to me can  be taken right off my interior mental map and replaced by
WHO I WANT TO BE NOW.
I am going to allow myself to win.

I lost another pound this week.
165.
I wasn't even that on point...which I will be this week.
Each day is a new day.
Have a great night guys.

11 comments:

Gavz said...

U are a very motivating person - all the very best :-)

Rettakat said...

I love reading of your shift in thinking... that you are ready to accept good things to come. Utterly foundation, and I'm so happy for you.

Chariots of Fire. Have seen it at least half a dozen times. Gets me every time. There is a line in it that says something like: "When I run, I feel His pleasure". I have adapted that to say: "When I paint, I feel His pleasure."

I think I'll watch it again. :-)

bbubblyb said...

Yep, "Fixing Yourself Happy" I think you are at the same place I am :) I've realizes in the past several months that letting go of the mental struggles about the food, exercise, etc has opened the door to allow me to really give thought to what really makes me happy. I definitely think you should move to what makes you happy.

As for figuring out what you could have done at 18 compared to 38 well I think it took me awhile to realize I can't be that 18 yr old and honestly I wouldn't want to be. So I say be your wonderful terrific 38 yr old self looking for what you want NOW. I'm guessing as you do more things that make you happy the weight will continue to drift down. I so enjoy your words and am glad you're here. *hugs*

E. Jane said...

Losing the weight is only a part of the struggle. I think that self-discovery is the other part, and is what will sustain the loss. I'm on a slowdown myself, and it's good. Take care.

Darcy Winters said...

Interesting post. I guess the answer is "and then you live." You concentrate on things you have always wanted to do or were meant to do, but didn't do because your life was consumed with the single goal of losing weight, (or whatever each individuals life problem seems to be).

I will ponder this today because not only am I working on losing weight, but I have other life changes that need to be made. Thanks for sharing!

Ryan.Perry said...

Great post! Keep up the hard work and things are sure to go your way. One thing I’ve found to be extremely helpful and useful as a supplement to my current diet/exercise plan is Fullbar (www.fullbar.com). Not only do their products help you lose weight, they also help you maintain your weight loss.

Robin said...

Wow. I am going to allow myself to win. Powerful words. You can't take them back. They are out there.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I've read your post 3 times now, knowing that I wanted to comment- but yet, not knowing what I really wanted to say. Still don't quite...
This post makes me feel for you in a kindred spirit sort of way, but I won't make this comment about me. It's about you. Your transition.
I can only assure you that the other side is beautiful and free and has nothing to do with whatever and whoever you were before. And you absolutely deserve it.

Maude said...

Great post. I'm very much able to relate at the moment. I've let things slide in the last 6 months and it just really comes down to what I want. It doesn't always have to be a huge battle. It's just life and living and making good choices for myself.

Joy said...

For me, this experience, is a journey....I will never reach my goal....Never, because I keep raising the bar. Now, it's not good enough that I ran 3 1/2 marathons ~ just crossing the finish line. Now, I want to run one and beat my time. Maybe I'll even do a marathon. It just never stops. For me, I don't want it to. I'm loving the process. I love finding out new things about myself. Finding new things I love to do and exploring. It's an adventure!

Keep up the great work!! You've got this!!

Stay focused!

Hanlie said...

I really like the shift from "battle" to "journey"! You go, Chris!