Why I believe a hard truth is always better than a kind lie

I just finished watching the Truman show with my oldest daughter (who hadn't SEEN IT. Can you believe that?!) lol.
Isn't that the way we always are...as parents.
There are certain movies we think should be viewed and then we feel we must inflict them on our children...so I did.
While she liked the movie, she didn't have the same reaction to the end that I did.
Man, I was pulling for him.
I know what it's like to be lied to.
I know you all don't know me in 'reality'....
But my biggest pet peeve.
Actually it's bigger than that...
I hate liars.
I don't even like prevaricators.
Or people who play fast and loose with the facts.
I would rather look you in the face and tell you the truth and get punched than lie and get a hug.
In every situation I will try and scrape the sh*t off and get to the nub.
I understand there are different points of view...
But if you scrape away the emotion, the sensibilities...
The crap.
Eventually you will reach a truth.
I live for those moments.
That is why I like the end of The Truman show.
I love that he kept going.
That he was willing to die to get free..
And that, at the end, he ran smack into the truth. (that wall)
Had a moment where he had his little mini meltdown (sit down and cry)..
and then started looking for a way out (and found it).
I am going to share something here.
You all know my mom was married to an abusive ass who she (finally) divorced when I was 12.
Well I thought that abusive ass was my biological father.
Right up till the day I went to visit him at his 'new home' and his 'new wife' informed me that I wasn't his.
So why did I keep coming over.
That was mind bending, let me tell you.
I was 13.
At what point...if she hadn't told me..at what point would I have found it out or figured it out?
I don't know.
Maybe when I was old enough to figure out that a blond haired blue eyed woman and a black haired green eyed man don't produce a brown haired, brown eyed girl?
maybe then.
And, much like Truman...I went home and sat down in my mom's trailer..in the hallway with my back to the dryer and stared into our full length mirror for quite a while.
Trying to figure out who I really was.
I cried.
And then...
I felt a sense of relief.
Because I realized I had none of 'him' in me.
And that my friends, is a good feeling.
I found out who my biological father was later.
That's another blog post.
I wish I had known that sooner.
It would have explained why 'he who shall not be named' was never loving toward me..or my big brother (we both had different dads)...
It was a truth I could have used sooner.

That is why I am who I am.
I don't hide who I am.
I would rather people liked me or hated me based on what they see and what I show.
I want what I say and do to be an absolute reflection of who I am inside...
Than that they liked me for who I pretended to be.
Because really, what a waste of time.
Mine and theirs.
Better one true friend, than a thousand Judas's.
Better to stop pretending that your marriage is solid and start dealing with the problems..and make it solid.
than smooth over your problems, and live a lie.
Better to admit you are morbidly obese and get better..
Than pretend you aren't living in hell daily..
smiling on the outside and dying slowly on the inside.
Tell yourself and others the TRUTH.
It's only that first moment that is truly frightening...and then you are free.
It will set you free.


A look at maintenance...

Hey all,
Back from self imposed blog vacation.
I just wanted to say that I have every intention of carrying through with my every day till may exercise thing.
What my whole point was in that last post was disengaging the term success from a specific number.
I think it's problematic.
I have no idea what it looks like to maintain 132 lbs...let alone 146 pounds.
I have never attempted to maintain 132 pounds and if my maintenance plan doesn't get me to that number I do not want to sit around thinking I am a failure, because I am not.
There is a world of difference between losing weight and maintaining weight.
I know, I did it for three months.
When you are losing...you are pushing towards something.
There is something you are moving towards.
maintaining...there is something you are warding off.
It takes a different mindset.
I thought I would give you a glimpse of my maintenance plan...yes, I have one.
I always have a plan.
I decided to get a plan when it became apparent to me, that I was INDEED going to lose all this weight.
That would be when I crossed over the 200 lbs mark.
This was or had been such a huge mental obstacle that the very fact that I broke it confirmed my victory.
It was all downhill from there.
so to speak.
So I thought..
Maintenance plan.
I know some people's maintenance plan is to eat like a pig once they hit goal weight (another problem I have developed with numbers...the let down upon reaching it...)
Or their maintenance plan is to drop five more.
Or they simply don't know.
I wanted to know.
So I took my goal weight which is 132.
I added a zero like mattie "i am really skinny' roberts told me to do...
That is the number of calories I would eat every day to maintain my weight.
Then add whatever exercise you do on top of it.
I will be working out 6 days a week.
I decided this when I started.
It isn't hard.
I enjoy it.
And I love food.
Know what you love.
some people can eat little to no food the rest of their lives.
This isn't me.
I burn 700 calories on elliptical days (3 of these including upper body weights)
500 on non elliptical days..
and one day I will do a 3.5 mile walk.
Then one day of rest.
I plan on eating 1600 calories a day.
stay with me.
so 1320 x 7= 9240 calories per week.
add my exercise for the week 3450 calories..
If I eat 1600 calories per day (or 250 above maintenance)
I will eat into my exercise deficit by 1750 calories.
leaving me 1700 calories to play with...
Which I think I will leave for a saturday pizza night and maybe a special breakfast through the week.
The point.
That 1700 calorie 'budget' is mine to play with above and beyond my normal 1600 calorie day.
I could eat out at a mexican restaurant.
I could eat a large bucket of popcorn and still have a 700 calorie dinner on another night.
It's doable.
To have or find a maintenance plan,Know yourself.
Don't strive for 120 lbs...starve yourself, and then in frustration decide you just can't live like that and gain every pound back.
Better to be a happy 135 and incorporate exercise and eat, then starve and regain out of frustration.
This is the reason knowing they WHY'S of your journey are so important.
If it really is to look great in a pair of size 4 jeans and the 1200 calorie a day diet you eat is enough, and you feel that you can live like that ....good.
But if you think 'I just need more willpower and then I will enjoy it".
You won't.
models don't enjoy it.
And they get paid to look good.
Nobody is paying my @ss.
132-138 is good enough for me.
I would rather focus on my art...have an occasional fatty meal and be a size 6 or size 8.
If being 150 is good enough for you..then let it be...
I wouldn't suggest obesity is good only because it leads to heart disease and disability.
But they are choices some people have made.
They aren't my choice.
For me, maintenance has to be reasonable, flexible and doable for the rest of my life.
And say once I get up there age wise and don't want to be doing the gym.
I can still walk three or four miles a day...
that leaves me in the 1600/1700 calorie range.
not as fun...lol.
but doable.
So, however far away maintenance may see right now.
Stop for a moment to think about your destination.
don't let it sneak up on you without a plan in place.
Have a great night,
Chris out.


I didn't start this for a number

Again...this is going to be a kind of recap of True Grit and how it pertains to my situation...
There will be huge spoilers ahead, and if you intend to watch it...
and don't want to know what happens.
Don't read any further than this........................

Now...I have been irritable lately.
I have been spending nearly two hours a day at the gym (when I go to the gym)
and an hour a day exercising when I don't.
I have to plan my days around these excursion.
I am constantly saying no to things my family wants to do...
At the beginning of this month I had a slight problem with my iron that required me to consume at least maintenance calories.
lackluster weight loss.
with a ton of exercise and not a lot to show for it
or so I thought.

It made me angry and frustrated.
So last night I said F this....I need a break from thinking about numbers and counting and exercise (although I did a three mile walk yesterday...just so you know)
I just wanted to go off and enjoy myself.
And so I flipped a coin
Heads for the king's speech...Tails True grit.
I went in expecting a shoot em up...and it was a little..
But it was much more than that.
It was more about the little girl than any other character.
In the beginning of the film she says basically
Everything in life has to be paid for.
I believe that.
I have spent nearly two years paying the price in self denial and exercise to achieve a healthy body.
It sucked me right in.
She was going after her father's killer..
and she did it all the way.
She didn't let anybody stop her.
You may think this epiphany leads to
"I am going for my goal weight and if I have to shoot tom chaney to get there I will!"
I started this to get healthy and to
say it with me
I think I can shorten live deliberately to just Live
or live fully and make good choices. Yes.
But really LIVE
INHABIT my life.
ENJOY my life.
The box I broke free from almost 20 months ago I was reconstructing.
I was just doing it at the other end of the spectrum.
making my success contingent on the number 132.
Making my failure contingent on the number 262.
It isn't the number, it's how I am living.
If you break free from your fat prison and then construct a skinny prison..
One where every bite of food brings guilt.
Every missed workout is cause for self flagellation
One where a size 10 is failure but a size 6 is success.
You see Mary wanted her father's killer brought to justice.
The idea that the killer would end up in Texas for another murder and be hanged there...
Not good enough.
The idea that he may be shot while they chased him?
Not good enough.
She wanted to bring him back to her hometown and see him hanged.
WEll, as rooster said "You can't have every little thing just the way you want it".

Mary learned something over the course of that movie.
It doesn't matter how you kill him, just kill him.
At the end she takes a rifle and shoots his @ss.
She takes the justice she can get.

In the beginning of the movie, they liken this hunt to a coon hunt.

I didn't start on this coon hunt for a magic number.
I wanted to take back control of my life.
And I have.
I want to lose a bit more fat..
But from here on out I am not making my life contingent on a number.
I am making it contingent on my satisfaction.
I will know when I am satisfied.

That number will be normal on the bmi scale.
Then I will start eating as I intend to eat the rest of my life..
and the weight will stay or fall in accordance.
But regardless.
I've gotten my life back.
I have already won.
I won the moment I set out with the notion that nothing would stop me.
I will not reconstruct a skinny cage.
I will live fully and enjoy life.
That's what I was aiming for.
That is what I will do.
Chris out.
oh did a three mile walk run in 38 minutes.


I finally realized why I am so irritated....
I watched true grit.
and I will blog about it tomorrow.
i am glad the coin flip came out that way....it showed me what my issue was..
so there will be huge spoilers.
If you haven't seen the movie don't read tomorrow.
If you have or don't care to ever see the movie drop on by..
have a great night,
Chris out.


mental health break

going to the movies alone...will be seeing either true grit or the king's speech.
I will be eating popcorn and not counting.
I will be blowing off everything and everyone and enjoying myself for the 2 hours I spend at the theater.
I think I need a break from thinking.
that's what I think.
the uptight itchy crap is a sure sign that I am overloaded.
so, talk at you later.


26 percent and when is it enough?

Body fat...
That's 'acceptable"
Meaning...according to body fat charts I am healthy even though technically I am 'overweight'.
I am 5'3.5" and 146 lbs as of my last weigh in.
My chest is 37
waist 29
hips 38
so, not bad.
Why is this important, as one person said I am not going to go around telling people my body fat percentage.
But it is important when you think of what you are composed of..
the more muscle the better.
muscle burns more calories, takes more calories to maintain
doesn't clog your arteries or suck your energy.
Considering I started with a bmi of 45...that feels pretty good.
You know...
i was talking to this same friend about something.
When do you know you have reached your goal?
some people get to a size 4 and aren't happy.
I set objective standards this time around because as I had posted previously..
I would wait to feel normal and then resume my prior destructive behavior.
I wanted an objective and rational way to understand what normal was..
and then work at achieving and maintaining it.
Knowing my body fat percentage is very helpful to me.
It is an objective measure.
I have a lot of muscle and I know that is 'adding' to the number on the scale.
I see other woman and they say "I am 145" and I think..hmmmm...
Then I realize that the composition of that 145 pounds may be different.
More fat, less muscle.
I have been working out for almost 20 months.
I have worked out now for 58 consecutive days in a row.
I do one hour of cardio 7 days a week.
I do at least 20 minutes of toning 3 days a week.
I do at least 100 situps 6 days a week.
I still want to lose about 10 more pounds...but I want to lose 10 lbs of fat.
I may gain another pound or two of muscle...so my friend is right.
I shouldn't be shooting for some magic number..
I should shoot for body fat, for how my body looks and feels...as long as I am within a healthy range and look the way I want..
I guess I will know that when I get there.
obsession with a specific number isn't what I want.
I do want to be healthy and fit and a good weight for my height.
That will be 'enough'.
Have a good one.
Night all,
and hugs,


itchy and irritated

That would be my mood.
I don't know why.
It's not time for Tom. I don't have any in laws visiting. I have no committee meetings or bill collectors calling.
I am just ready to scream.
But I manage to contain myself.
The last time I got this itchy I went to montana while coming back from the laundromat.
I hate routines.
I hate repetition.
I hate rules.
Which is conversely why they are soooo good for me.
Some people thrive off them.
I loathe them.
But, it builds character.
When I get like t his I just want to be alone.
I am not big on being around loads of people...and I like people.
one on one.
groups, crowds...not so much..
which is why I hate the gym.
But the gym is the most effective way to get in a good work out..so I deal with it.
But my daughter wrote me a haiku to make me laugh today.
I think it sums it up very nicely...

I'm sick of the gym
it smells like sweat and rubber
it's full of weird creeps.

That's it in a nutshell.

But I went and worked out anyways.
I walked one mile
I jogged two
and did 20 minutes on a stairstepper
and did 125 situps and 20 pushups.
not bad.
Tomorrow is elliptical day.
Hope you all have a great night.
Talk to you later,


Nobody's gettin' out of here alive

Hey all,
I am sure by now you all know that Jack Lalanne passed yesterday.
He was 96 years old.
He lived a long, healthy, happy and productive life.
He left behind a wife who loved him and a legacy of healthy living that others can emulate.
Sure we all wanted to see him hit 100, but 96 is not too shabby.
Especially considering how young his father died

And there you go...that's what drove him.
I have accepted that I will die someday.
Now I want to live as fully and ably as possible.
I don't want to be like my gramma,
Unable to stand without assistance because her muscles had atrophied from disuse.
If that happens because of a terminal illness so be it.
But as much as I am able, I will try and prevent it.
I did the gym..
30 minutes on the elliptical...40 crunches...40 obliques...40 lower ab lifts...120 situps.
upper body weights...1 mile walk and 1 mile run.
Good time at the gym.
I am really enjoying the jogging...I do mine barefoot (well in socks anyways)...
maybe someday I will have the money for vibrams.
Good Job jack! You ran the race and you finished well.
You can't ask for more.
Chris out.


Captain obvious is confused and bemused...

Hello all, Chris is tired from her incredibly long day.
First was church where her pastor (Thank God) was back...therefore stump was no where to be seen...
Then there was the cookie selling which included three hours of knocking on the doors of complete strangers to ask if they would 'like to buy some girl scout cookies' which Chris counts as her walk...or so she says.
So she is currently ensconced in solitude and is perfectly willing to allow me to express my dismay at the current state of clothing in America.
So, without further ado...
What the FURK is this?

When did THIS become fashionable?

Captain obvious was out and about yesterday.
when what should stumble into my peripheral but these amalgams of heinousness.

As if being unattractive in only one way wasn't good enough, someone thought to put skinny pant anklets on baggy bottomed britches....
Not content to merely allow the subtle illusion of a larger bottom with the inward slope of the cuff, these pants scream...wideload!
I have been informed that these are emo pants.
Pants for the depressed teen.
Which makes sense.
Look how droopy they are.
In that rear end there is Room for
your copy of slaughterhouse five
10 chemical romance cds
hair gel.
black eyeliner
your therapists business card
a pocket comb
and a midget

I suppose this way, if you poop in your pants,
(because really, what is the point of going to the bathroom when the corporate oligarchy has declared war on your average joe and we are all just cogs in the capitalist pigs machine, while we rape the earth and kill the dolphins, and your mother never cared and she just doesn't understand how sensitive you are!)

It will not slide out the bottom, but merely cling to your inner thigh.
(should you go commando, as I am sure these style mavens do...not wanting the panty lines to mess with the silhouette and all .)
Where should you choose to bathe later
(but really, what's the point when life is just an endless miasma of trite happenstances where we are forced to conform to societal pressure...but I ain't giving in! I will rebel through the subtle defiance of deconstructed trousers! )

It will be easier to clean off.

In any case it would be a win/win for the incontinent set....

Captain obvious thinks if you are trying to construct your reality, or deconstruct, or make a statement around a pair of pants you may have a few GAPS in your logic.
Obviously done
Captain out
Captain obvious would like to break in for a special announcement.
jack lalanne passed away today in california...
good bye Jack....And Thank you.


okay, Got this award from annie.
Love it.
and am going to copy exactly the questions she chose to answer even though I know you can totally make up what you want to talk about...
but I liked hers and haven't talked about any of them..
My favorite nail color is:
by Revlon

My favorite flower is the yellow rose

My favorite pampering thing is
reading a trashy novel...

My favorite book in the bible is Nehemiah
I think it's the first person account and his rebuilding the walls.
That and the sentence Remember the lord, and fight.
My motto.

My favorite machine at the gym is also the elliptical...

My favorite beverage

starbucks espresso roast

My favorite material item
My sony walkman....I love listening to good music.
And not listening to kesha.
just sayin'.

Well, I did a really light workout tonight...just a three mile walk.
I am cleaning out my closets and straightening stuff out.
that's all tonight.
I will pass the award on tomorrow.
Have a great night guys,


It's not about the weight...

It's about you.
I am going to type out why so many people fail at weight loss.
And by fail, I mean...fail to lose it and keep it off.
Or fail to lose it period.
It isn't about the weight for most people.
Although they think it is.
For people for whom the weight is simply a manifestation of an overeating habit...
They eat less, lose the requisite poundage and whap.

For people who are obese, or morbidly obese...and it isn't a simple overeating problem..
such as eating an extra hundred calories a day for quite a while.
But food was used as an emotional crutch to avoid facing deeper issues.
Until they figure out what issues they are dealing with and even deeper than that...what caused the issues in the first place...and find a new way to deal with those issues...
I don't think weight loss will be successful.
Because just like a hinky golf swing...or any ingrained habit...
if you don't replace the bad habit with new habits.
If you don't even know why you are doing what it is you are doing...
How can you make a different choice in similar situations in the future?
Like a woman who keeps picking crap heads for husbands...there is something in her that gravitates towards abuse.
And until you figure out what it is in your psyche that is causing the stimulus/response...you will keep doing it....like a rat getting a hit of heroin in a lab study.

Or say you simply stop using food.
A lot of people who lose weight and don't deal with their emotional baggage will simply switch addictions...
take carnie wilson...
she was large...wanted to change that and got gastric bypass...
and when she couldn't eat anymore she became an alcoholic.
Then she gave that up and is now 212 pounds...again.
I would guess because she hasn't done internal work.
There is something lacking that she will continue to try and fill with substances...food or alcohol.
Until she gets to the root of the problem.
I know that for years I tried to let certain things 'go'.
I tried straight up forgiveness....and then realized that I needed to do what it took emotionally to let things go.
That took a long time, and there are still moments that will surprise me with residual anger.
Now, in the meantime I was working on different aspects of my life.
How I dealt with confrontation, how I dealt daily with stress...
But weight loss was my last big hurdle.
It took me a while to be able to give up my coping mechanism...food.
To do that, I needed other coping mechanisms in place.
Emotional mechanisms.
No amount of gum chewing or crocheting was doing it for me.
I needed tools in my emotional tool box.
I needed to talk myself down from anxiety.
I needed to be able to set limits with those around me.
and not back off when I felt pressured.
I needed to feel confident in my ability to handle what life gave me without resorting to food as a fix. And I did that.

I read things about this elusive goal being outside of yourself...and I remember thinking that way.
Thinking that once I got skinny I would be happy.
Or once I had this or that, then my life would be perfect.
I think lincoln had it right....
People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
The weight loss will not make you happy.
You make you happy by making your life what you want it to be.
By getting your mind right.
By being grateful...cultivating a grateful attitude.
By being positive..
and by digging up residual issues that are leaving anger and bitterness inside, and killing them once and for all.
They do you no good.
weight loss is a byproduct of getting your priorities straight.
When you decide one day that life will be better if you can move around in it without nearly having a heart attack...that living is more important than food.
That feeling emotions is better than stuffing them.
That living a life that may be complex, complicated and painful but beautiful:
is better than being afraid of taking chances, hiding behind your wall of fat and feeling dead inside.
A living death is no way to go through life.
Living takes courage.
But it's worth the effort.
Eating your way through heartache is no way to deal.
And the destination isn't out there, it's inside yourself.
When you decide..
And I mean DECIDE
to lose weight,
to go to school,
to learn to play the piano,
to make new friends,
to do hard things...
you are learning who you are.

You are fully inhabiting your body.

It's not about the weight.
It's about being fully alive.

(Did my exercise....still got that streak going..food was good...)


keep your nasty vag off my blog

lol, sorry but had to write that.If you want to follow my blog. Have some class.
I never again want to see someones hooch on my follower list.
You are blocked.
If that ever happens again...I will follow back with something nastier...Perhaps genital warts.
Don't mess with me.
To people who were exposed to that, I apologize.
Now, on to my day.
I didn't get my ruck march in, I ran out of time.
I did do a one mile test run at higher speed and did it in about 10:32 which isn't great...but puts me in under 22 minutes for a two miler. I got a ways to go.
I then jogged a slower second mile and walked a mile.
Then I did 60 situps...but I have an issue right now with my tailbone...a problem I never had when I was fatter.
So I am going to have to figure out how to get my ab workout in without sitting up.
I did 35 pushups and then 25 minutes on a stairstepper.
Total burn...around 500 calories.
calories eaten 1530....I want to keep them under 1500 so not optimal.
But I will do better tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my high burn day on the elliptical.
So keeping my calories under control would be optimal as it will give me a bigger deficit.
So to recap
No vagina pictures on my blog period.
two mile run, one mile walked
pushups and situps.
decent day
Have a good one,
chris out.


Back to Basic(s)

Hey all,
and hello to my newest reader...my husband.
Not sure what made him a reader..lol.
But he started.
So hello dear.
So before we get too far in let's talk about today.
I did great with both food and exercise.
For exercise I did 33 minutes on the elliptical
and 5 minutes on the arc trainer...total burn there. 400 calories.
Then I thought I would do a 2 mile walk but ended up doing a one and a half mile walk and a pretty quick one mile jog/run.
I felt great through out that run.
I ran it faster.... I don't know how much faster but I was definately hauling and I passed people.
(No watch today...will have to go and get one)
So total there was about 250 calories.
Then I did upper body weights for around 50 calories.
total burn...around 700 calories.
total food 1500.
I had a ton of veggies today.
3 eggs/1toast
1 turkey sausage link with 1 bell pepper
5 ounces buffalo chicken on salad with feat and walnuts.
2 cups of coffee.
That was my food for the day.
The simpler I keep my food the better.
The more whole, unprocessed food I eat, the fewer cravings I have.
Now on to the heart of this post.
I worked out pretty hard today.
I plan to do a 2 mile jog tomorrow morning with situps and pushups.
Then do a three mile ruck in the evening.
IF that sounds familiar to some of you...that is because that is how they conduct basic.
YOu do your morning pt.
Then usually daily we had a ruck march.
In the beginning the start you off on a 2 mile march....building to the end with a 20 mile ruck march. I don't know If I will go that far.
But nothing is stopping me from recreating a mini bootcamp right here in my little subdivision.
I always used to say...If only I could go back to basic training.
So I am.
My food will be kept simple.
my meals will be kept small....300-400 tops, topping out at 1500 calories.
protein is my friend...as are large quantities of veggies.
white crap is the enemy.
no white flour.
It's terrible.
So really, food intake will be lean proteins...fruits and veggies and the occasional whole grain.
That's it.
An allowance will be made for honey on my yogurt and the occasional spoon of sugar.
In basic we never watched what we ate because we barely had time to eat.
So, watching what I eat and exercising...that should bring some real results.
Have a good one guys.

oh and val...here is that link
this will take you to the army pft standards. To pass basic you have to get at least a 60.
I am shooting for 100 on each standard for my age range.
Chris out.



I can do 28 push ups.
who knew.
I didn't.
I didn't do the situps yet...but I have been doing a 100 situps for forever...before it was 200 every other day. I don't think the situps are going to be a problem...hold one..lets just see how many I can do...okay...did 70 in 2 minutes with me stopping every few seconds to check the clock and nothing holding my feet...
so right now I am passing the situps and pushups...situps was a 94 out of a 100, push ups was an 82 out of 100...and my run was 24 minutes which is 51 percent. I'll be doing another run on thursday and will actually attempt to pick up the pace....minimum passing is 60 percent. So, not too bad. I just need to drop 2 minutes off my time to pass....7 minutes to ace it....to get 100 on the pushups I need to be able to do 40 and for situps 77....and considering normally your feet will be held, I think I could do that now.
I don't have much to say tonight. I have a ton of housework to do...so will get off...I am going to work on a training and food schedule tomorrow.
So I will update that tomorrow.
Have a good night guys.


Does it make you feel free or is it a prison?

hey all,
Went to the gym again today..(went yesterday as well)
I have started barefoot jogging again.
I did 2 miles tonight in 23 minutes and then walked a mile and a half.
I did 125 situps...
The running was what surprised me because I hadn't up till this point looked at the time while I jogged. I just jogged.
But tonight I took note of what time it was on the clock when I started and what time I finished the two miles. I was happy with that because at no point was i really pushing.
Except for the last lap which I always sprint.
but seeing that number helped me make up my mind about something.
Not only do I want to be normal by my birthday weight wise.
But I want to pass the female army pt test.
At 37....I have to run the 2 miles in 17 minutes.. to get a 100
I would have to 77 situps and 40 pushups to get a 100...
Now, the only thing I am actually concerned about is the pushups.
The rest I would have no problem with, but I haven't done a real pushup in years.
I have been weight training though..so we shall see....probably tomorrow. lol.
I will practice this three times a week.
March 17th I will do my pt test.
yeah for birthdays.

When I was thinking of doing this, I remembered a dream I had when I was fat.

In my dreams I was never fat, I was always thin.
And when I started getting heart palpitations, and my legs and feet were getting more and more painful...my dreams became more and more vivid.
And one of the last "thin" dreams I had before I started losing weight was me back in basic training.
When I entered basic I was overweight.
By the end of basic I was in the first run group, the fastest group
I was the shortest person there.
Even though I was one of the fattest when I started, I never fell out of a run.
I never quit a ruck march.
It's all in the mind.
What you will and won't allow.
I wouldn't allow it.
But anyways....on our last run of basic (because this was my dream..the last run of basic)
It was going to be a six mile run and at the end (the last half mile) it was a free for all back to barracks...whoever got there first 'won'...
I remember thinking I wouldn't have any evergy left after 5 and a half miles....but while we ran we were passing the other run groups who had taken off first, and for some reason I felt like I had energy to go for days (and so did everyone else, no one fell back on that run).
Well, when we got to the last half mile he blew his whistle and we all just took off.
It was still dark outside, maybe five in the morning....and I was just flying down the hill....I remembered the feeling.
It felt like I was flying.
My feet coming down underneath my perfectly.
The wind whipping by my face...
my breath coming in even huffs.
Then I woke up.
And looked down.
And realized I was still fat.
And I cried.
I went from feeling like I was free,
to feeling like I was a rat trapped in a cage.
I rolled out of bed and put my feet on the floor..felt the pain shoot up the back of my legs as my heels touched.
And I thought then that I would always be fat...

Today I felt free.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.


How to lose 100 pounds cheap and easy

Hello all!
And to you people who are here because you googled the above sentence...I say
This is the last diet article you will ever have to read.
How do I know?
You do this, and you will lose weight...unless you have a thyroid problem diagnosed by a doctor.
So, on to the blog post.
Losing 1 pound is no different than losing 100 pounds.
How do I know.
I have lost around 117 of them.
Some of you don't know how I lost over 100 pounds.
You may be new here.
Alot of the time people come into a blog and just pick up where they come in.
When I decided to lose weight a year and a half ago...I knew a couple of things.

1.) I wasn't going to spend a penny on another diet book or program.
2.) I knew I had to eat less. For the rest of my life.
3.)I knew I had to exercise 5 to 6 days a week for the rest of my life
4.) I wasn't going to quit.

I had tried every fad diet.
I had tried putting together motivational diaries.
I once calculated to.the.calorie how long it would take me to lose 69 pounds.
I tried accepting the fat me.
I had tried punishing exercise and starving.
All these things had one thing in common.

They all lacked one thing

These were all things I would do until I was "normal".
Normal had no parameters...it was a feeling.
Therefore when I dropped 30 pounds and started feeling "normal' I would stop doing what i had been doing and go back to being 'normal."
promptly eating my way back up the scale and usually past where ever it was I had started.

I hadn't accepted that in reality, I would never be 'normal'.
So, when I had to set boundaries this time.
I used science
BMI baby. (go look up bmi calculator...plug in your height and weight...there is your bmi...it should be between 18 and 24.9...no bmi haters please...unless you are a body builder it works)
And I checked
Height weight ranges.
5'3" so I chose a goal weight of 132.
Before this last go round
I also hadn't dealt with why I used food.
I hadn't made peace with my past.
I thought my fat was the problem, not the symptom
I had a mentality that said "I will just do this for six months...get skinny and then I will BE NORMAL All my problems solved."
regular readers will recognize this sentence.
I knew this time had to be different.
So I dealt with all that, the emotional baggage.

And I spent no outlay initially on any fancy gear.
I gave myself 3 years to get the weight off.
3 years.
You know why...
So I didn't get impatient.
If I ever felt that way I would state "You were fat yesterday, you are fat today and you will be fat again tomorrow....what's the hurry? You can be getting better, or getting worse. Let's get better."

I bought no new books.
I put no faith in any particular program...I had already read them.
YOu've read them.
They come out every couple of years with the same new/old program.
Some version of eat less-move more.
couched in psycho babble feel goody terms...or food combination or more carbs or less carbs.
It's all bullsh*t.
There is no magical program.
There is no pain free way to lose weight.
You know that.

My approach was SIMPLE.
Cap my calories (1800 to start, 1500 now)
Don't quit.
That's it.

The rest is bullsh*t.
If you do these three things continually, you will lose weight.
Maybe not at lightening speed...but you will lose.

What did I buy to make this all possible?
Tennis shoes to walk in...
new socks.
a food scale so I could weigh my portions so I couldn't fudge on the calorie counting
measuring cups
measuring spoons.

That's it...the gal you see now evolved.
I didn't have workout gear when I started...I bought a 35 dollar pair of sneakers.
I walked in my t shirt and my fat woman stretchy pants.
I used my daughters scrunchies to pull my hair back.
I had my measuring cups and spoons.
I asked for that food scale as a mother's day gift.
It measures my meat serving for me and has been invaluable.
people constantly underestimate their intake.

total outlay at the beginning...around 65 dollars.
or two big diet books.
which you would probably read, and then use as dust catchers.
I know...I did it.

I decided to cut out white flour I would say approximately 80 percent of the time.
I don't do starches.
If I do, they are whole grain or a sweet potato.

I cut way back on coffee.
From one pot to two cups.
There is no food you can't live without.
Some food will sabotage you.
Make your home safe.
YOU know YOU.
Do what works for you..and don't lie to yourself.
I knew I needed a cheat meal.
If I didn't have one once a month I would start to feel rebellious, suffocated, trapped.
It's in my nature.

(which is why I go to church...but that's another story)
It is also my Achilles heel...perfectionism.

If I didn't do it perfectly, I would say "screw it".
But you know you...if one cheat MEAL PER MONTH becomes a cheat day, becomes a cheat week.
you have to sit down...be brutally honest....and do it.
If you are more than 100 pounds overweight, you aren't chubby, or fluffy, or pleasantly plump.
You're morbidly obese.
This doesn't make you a bad person...
but it is the truth.
That was a tag I avoided for forever until I looked up and saw that I was NOT pleasantly plump.
If you avoid having your picture taken..
You are probably obese.
If your child's arm is still recovering from the last picture taking session because she tried to scoot by you and you snagged her to pull her in front of you???!!!
avoiding the picture doesn't change reality.
It allows you to hide from it. For a while.
So how do you lose 100 pounds the cheap and easy way.
Well, maybe not easy..but cheap
Be honest.
cap your calories
eat good for you food...
exercise almost daily.
And do that for the rest of your life...What else are you doing?
That's it.
And if you just finished reading this and you are disappointed that there was no magical pill, special food combination and you find yourself saying
"I know all that."
And you leave here looking for something that tells you all you need is a magical pill or a special diet of leaves and twigs?
I will still be blogging next year.
Come back and see me.

Have a good one.
p.s. check your stats page people, you will be shocked at how some people reach your blog.


quick post

600 calorie burn
1430 calories consumed.
Good day.
I am reading a good book...and getting some rest.
I will be around the blogs tomorrow.
Hope you all had a good day.



I love my country...
I do.
I dont always love what we've become.
I did good today and yesterday, did the gym..the calories...so that's out of the way.
I am about to do a little political rant up in here.
I am sorry in advance.
some things should be said.
Stop calling each other names.
Stop pointing fingers.
Stop blaming anyone other than the psychotic that pulled the trigger.
We are americans first.
No hyphens
No parties
No bullsh*t
six people were murdered.
so sit your @sses down and Shut up.
I don't care about your theories and your conjecture.
I don't care about the supposed violent rhetoric.
We have been using violent rhetoric for years and NEVER ONCE
have I felt a nudge to gun down an innocent 9 year old girl.
Democrats are not communist Demons.
Tea partiers are not David Duke in cognito.
And it's republicans not rethuglicans.
These people are your neighbors and friends.
They are just like you, they just happen to think there are different solutions to different problems.
The have children, and homes, and hopes and dreams.
So if the hysterical babbling from the media could just stop now.
Maybe we can grasp the tattered remains of our waning dignity around us and act like the grown,
responsible and mature people we are..
and bury the victims.
And learn how to live and respect each other.
If we can't, we are doomed.
Captain obvious out.


I love you just the way you are..

Saw that today somewhere when someone talked about wanting to change.
What's wrong with change.
I think it scares people, or implies something.
Saying you want to become a better person will often prompt all sorts of strange responses.
The most common being
I love you just the way you are.
Which might be true
but could also be interpreted
I love you just the way you are because if you change, what does that say about me?
And it's uncomfortable twin thought "If you change, will I have to change?"
When you raise the bar or set a new standard...some people will be aggravated..
or irritated
or intimidated.
Or secretly envious.
Which comes out in not so subtle ways.
Like hostility
or pointed remarks
or back handed 'compliments'
Which can make the process of change that much harder.
Change is hard to begin with.
Add friction and open stumbling blocks.
It becomes that much harder.
In my comments yesterday..
Mr. Putz asked whether I thought I would have lost my weight had I not dealt with my 'issues."
I don't think I would have.
I would have ended up yo yo-ing up and down the scale like I had done before.
All the work I did in fixing my relationships and how I dealt with people and confrontation moved huge emotional obstacles out of my way.
It was necessary work.
Sometimes I read things on weight loss blogs that really concern me.
Mostly unfinished emotional work.
I fear it will sabotage even the most hardy souls in their quest for weight loss.
And it has sidelined some people.
Don't get me wrong.
You can think you've worked through most of it only to have an issue rear it's ugly head partway through your journey.
I have had it happen three times in the last year and a half.
I call them ninja issues.
The last one derailed me for five months because it was soooo subtle.
It stole my momentum..and while I didn't backslide, I did stagnate.
The other two weren't subtle at all..more like a hammer.
And so only stole 1 or two weekends.
So, if there is something you want to change...change it.
even though everyone loves you just the way you are.
You might know something they don't.
You might know WHO YOU CAN BE.
And that is something no one else knows but you.
I walked yesterday and was back to the gym today!
I am in at 1400 calories ...
Have a good one guys.


There is no such thing as luck. You make your luck.

or to put it more precisely,
luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
I don't know who said it and it doesn't really matter right now.

A few disclaimers before I begin...
lottery winners.
people hit by asteroids.
Although in those cases you can merely think of it as destiny or fate.

I was raised in a house where practical thinking often was over ridden by magical thinking.
What do I mean?
There was a sense of fatalism in my house growing up.
In fact it wasn't too far removed from the muslim concept "God wills it".
Wherein you didn't have to plan because if God wanted it to happen he would will it.
Choices were just things that happened in reaction to events.
Therefore nearly every decision made was limited by the circumstances surrounding the decision to be made...As opposed to making a decision and then setting up your life to accomplish the goal.
There is a vast...Mariana Trench difference between these two ways of seeing and dealing with life.
Up until 2009, I was in the first category in nearly every aspect of my life (except for my children's education and training AND my approach to my marriage).
I was working on boundaries with people but:
In most things..
I never planned.
I reacted.
My husband got orders....I reacted....I would start getting rid of stuff, blah blah blah.
I would have to find numbers and call people...everything took twice as long because I was never prepared. I was always behind.
Did I know that as an army couple we would have to move?
uh, yeah.
Did I ever make a master list of things to do before the actual occurrence so I wouldn't have to run around like a chicken with my head cut off every two years?
Then I would get angry and stressed and blame my anger and stress on any Inconvenient anomaly in my preparations...(delay in orders, difficulty with travel office etc.)

When you are constantly reacting instead of being proactive, you will constantly feel behind the 8 ball. You want to get ahead of the ball...That way when life throws you a curve, you will only have to keep one thing in the air instead of seven or eight things.

I was relating a little story to a friend in comments the other day.
It goes something like this...and I think it perfectly illustrates what I am trying to say here.
You all remember 'my low point".
Husband gone to Iraq....miscarriage....stress...family sickness.
In the midst of all this I decide during my husband's third deployment to go back to Michigan to see my family.
(Another decision I made was to keep my girls connected to extended family, even though my family never comes to see me...I knew growing up what it felt like to have little to no roots.
I wanted my girls to have roots. So every two years we travel back east for two weeks to see the grandparents..no matter how obnoxious they get.)

It was Probably not the best decision in retrospect.
I was beyond stressed, but really wanted to see my little brother.
Who would be home the same time I was.
My mother has a habit (or had a habit lol) of thinking of me as "Chrissy".
My mother also has the habit of attributing nearly everything to luck...which drives both me and my little brother insane...
I was still 12 years old in her mind.
All the work I had done drawing boundaries with others was done.
The last one's left were my mother and my husband (who would come later).

Because of our childhood, I had her on a pedestal...So I had some unresolved anger issues from childhood that I had never confronted her with...
And she had for years attributed my successful marriage to being 'lucky enough to find a good man'....

Now I did find a good man.
But like all of us, we had some rough edges.
And right at that moment, we were having one heck of a time.
He was in the beginning stages of ptsd, where he would just sit and stare out the window....and now he was going back to Iraq again. He was withdrawn and would have outbursts of anger.
And I was going on two years of being a war bride. I had very little support, very little time to myself...I was fat and unhappy and joyless.
And I was
In a country that didn't seem to know it was at war.
While everyone else looked normal..felt normal I would get questions like
"Why are you so depressed?'
So, on to the Argument for the Ages...
the Mother of all Holiday Fights.
Whatever you want to call it...It will never be forgotten that is for sure.
I go Christmas shopping and I was edgy with my mom anyways....she never wants to talk about anything in the past.
She says "I don't want to talk about it"
and puts her hand up...and for years I allowed her to do that.
She was our MOM.
I come home and say..The cashier was rude to me..(and she WAS.)
It takes a lot to get me to notice rudeness....ignoring me, and blowing me off I notice.
My mom says "maybe she is having a rough day."
I said "she isn't the only one'
my mom said and I quote "maybe she doesn't have a husband to fall back on...some people aren't so lucky'
That was apparently the straw that broke the camels back...
for me.
"where is my HUSBAND MOM!" (imagine the snottiest, most sarcastic tone you can utter...that was the tone)

She says..."I don't want to talk about it (with the hand)
I say "I don't give a f*ck if you want to talk about it because
shocked silence.
The F word being a big no no in my house growing up...which may be why I used it.
My big brother says...you don't cuss at mom Chrissy.
yep. I am yelling.
He says 'You aren't the Chrissy I know"
I say nope...I am not
"CAUSE I AIN'T CHRISSY...i am a 33 year old wife and mother who you don't know anything about because you never ask...and this is between me...a grown woman...and her, a grown woman.
So butt out."
Then I let my mom have it...
from how 'lucky' I was, to every last piece of shit life dealt me. How her need to have a man in her life had lead her on many occasions to put our wants and needs on the back burner...How I had felt like a burden to her and that NO CHILD should ever feel like a burden. Which is why each of my children were planned and wanted. How I was tired of her and her "hand" and that I had a right to speak, to be treated as an adult and how luck had nothing to do with my marriage succeeding or failing. It had been hard work, period...that had kept my marriage together and me, a grown woman..who had kept my home together.
That it took me to the age of 33 to come out and say
HEY! I am an adult...treat me like one.
Well... I wish I had done it sooner.
And with fewer F words.
And not on Christmas Eve.
But, you take what you can get.
If I had been proactive, we could have had that conversation at a better time...but if you have an issue...that festers...it needs to be dealt with.
She was shocked into silence.
She said "why didn't you ever tell me?"
I say "really mom, with you and your "I don't want to talk about it" hand?
Then we sat down and really talked, about a lot of things.
And I have no doubt that is the last time we will talk about it lol.
But now I am Chris, not Chrissy.
My anger is gone...I dealt with it.
If I had still had that sitting in me I would still be eating it.
If you have a goal. You won't get there without a defined route.
If you have a destination. You won't get there without a MAP.
don't REACT
Set down in writing what you want to accomplish.
set down the steps you will need to take to accomplish those goals
Do them one by one.
If anything is stopping you from starting....fix it.
Dig it up and kill it.
plow it under and use it for fertilizer.
Have a good one.
chris out.


Hey all,
well, back on my restricted foods and regular exercise.
I did a two mile jog and a 1 mile walk.
origally I was only going to do a half mile jog...but did six laps and thought...hey,
that was easy, I think I will do six more.
Did six more and it was so easy I thought...I think I will do 12 more.
So I did.
I did 100 situps
I did upper body weights.
I feel great.
I took my supplements, including my iron pill and I ate 1490 calories.
My palms are apparently pink, not white.
I thought it was because I didn't have a tan.
I didn't have one heart palpitation today.
I didn't have one dizzy spell.
It was a good day.

I have a lot of things on my head and heart today.
If any of you are praying people...drop by this place and pray for daisy love merrick.
Her story breaks my heart.
So There are things I am thinking about doing.
Things I don't really want to talk about yet.
It's nothing serious, just lots of ideas I have floating in my head.
Things I am thinking about trying.
Tomorrow is Tuesday...both my children will be in school so I have the day to myself.
I want to do something quiet.
We'll see.
I have a good blog post brewing in my head but am tired and don't have the wherewithal tonight.
I hope you all are doing well.
I am going to sign off and go to bed.
Hope your days went well.



silence of the mind
silence of the heart
silence of the mouth

I like that saying....there is more, but that is enough.
As I was going through some blogs today and thinking of what happened yesterday, I was down.
To hear from God....according to mother theresa, you must get silent.
I don't get to do that much...I do have tuesday however.
So I will do that then.
I got to the gym and yesterday I walked.
streak intact.

So when I am feeling down and I want to feel better I watch this movie
It's called ahome of our own...and no matter how many times I watch it, I am always surprised by how I cry and feel better.
My youngest watched it with me and said "she is like you mom..
And she is...except for two things.
1.) I nailed that belt to a tree a long time ago...before I ever had kids
2.) I have no pride when it comes to my kids....I would beg to get them what they needed.
Other than that...all me.
I dare you to watch this first bit and not get sucked right in...
The rest of it is posted on youtube...and the first bit is silent but the sound kicks in...
other than that, I think I will be silent tonight.


captain obvious is grim....

captain obvious would just like to pop in to say
You don't shoot people.

Not people you disagree with....
Not little people.
Not big people.
unarmed people.

Captain obvious says people who shoot people should be released into general population to fend for themselves.
ESPECIALLY people who shoot little people.
Captain obvious is sad and disappointed in people today and is going to sleep.
Chris will be back tomorrow...much less anemic and ready to kick some weight loss rear.
Have as good a day as possible.
obviously done.
Captain out....


waves of nausea....

are never good.
hey guys.
i didn't post yesterday because I was tired.
I am feeling better...but it's on and off.
Like today at the gym...I could feel my hands warming up, cooling down..my body is getting there but it is just so D@mn slow about it...(maybe 4 days isn't really slow...but i suck at being sick)
I would start sweating and then feel dizzy and then feel better.
I was still having some heart palps...but really infrequent...

So....I have been to the gym, but light duty workouts. And am keeping my calorie levels at maintenance and am trying to eat as many heme and non heme forms of iron as I can while ingesting iron pills Not tons...just one at 150 percent of normal intake, and regular vitamins and fish oil and water.
blah blah blah.
my exercise streak is still intact.
Talked to my mom yesterday and she said 'YEAH, you always had that problem..."
Do you know how HARD it is to eat enough iron just through food.
unless I eat clams..and I don't like clams, or liver.
clams have a crap ton of iron in them...fyi
cream of wheat is my second best choice....
I hate cream of wheat cause I ate it all the time when I was little.
Now I know why.
It was because of my iron problem.
My iron problem it turns out...has probably been a problem for a while.
cold hands being one of the first signs and my hands started getting cold about a month ago...I mean freezing while I was walking indoors.
And having taken these iron pills, the fog in my brain (that I assumed was stress) is starting to clear.
I think I ought to just take some form of iron pill as a daily supplement.
I don't want to get this far 'behind' again.
It's really nasty.
Will have better updates hopefully by Sunday...I will be back on track again.
Life lesson folks.
Don't screw around with your health.
It will put you further behind in the long run.


A feel good story of the year...

no tongue in cheek here folks.
No updates on the diet front. After my near pass out of three nights ago getting out of the bathtub and subsequent realization that I had an iron problem ONCE AGAIN...I upped my calories to 1800 and did two days of light workouts...both two to three miles of walking. I feel much better tonight. And when I was at a girl scout meeting tonight I was able to sit down and stand up with no dizziness...I am on my third day of iron pills.
When I was little I used to pass out....so thankfully it didn't get that far. But it did make me realize I need to pay more attention to the What of my diet...not just the how much.
So will be researching 'balanced diet' tonight...but for now I thought I would be leaving you with a story about a man who was lost to drugs and alcohol...then got clean and found God...
And then got the break of a lifetime..
enjoy..I sure did.

Have a good one,


Finding courage.

Wanted to talk about something other than food today....*went to the gym..streak is intact*
I have been making these connections lately.
connections of overlapping themes.
It seemed like I was trying to really grasp something.
Part of me has been trying to understand something....
and in the process of all these thoughts I have been reading blogs.
And I noticed a theme there as well.

But let's start with the threads.
Thread 1
I feel 'pretty' lately.
And I am enjoying feeling that way.
For many years I hid any sort of 'prettiness' under a layer of fat.
Because someone at one point had used it against me.
To hurt me.
When I was little.
Being small, or pretty, was something that would get me hurt..
that was what my prior experience had taught me.
That being a 'pretty, petite princess' will cause you pain.

Thread 2
Children dying of horrible, incurable diseases.
I have been reading the blogs of mothers of dying children.
Trying to grasp what it was that I was seeing, what it was about the people that I felt drawn to.
Besides my prayer list being a day long type of thing now....
I think I have nailed it down.

Thread 3
I have been having dizzy spells and heart palpitations and was getting very concerned till I spotted the bruises on my legs. I have had problems with anemia since I was little. I had cut my calories back to 1400 and upped my exercise and screwed myself up...again
(Did this a few months ago too if you recall)
But until I figured it out...I had a little spell of what you might call 'fear'...lol.
I had a time where I thought about how little time we really have here...and how one day POOF
we are gone.

Thread 4
Then my daughter talked to a friend about whether or not to trust people.
Our family motto (much like the kgb)...is"'trust but verify."
My daughter wrote this up on her blog much better than I can type it here.
Let's just say our views correspond.
Trust is earned.
Because, while I would love to believe that everyone can be trusted...I have learned through hard earned experience that THAT is not the case.

Then last night I re-read Elie Wiesel's book Night.
It is an honest account of his time at Auschwitz...and how at one point he prayed he would have the strength to NOT abandon his father....because he knew that everyone was capable.
If you haven't read it, you should.....He defines my main theme word.
Although he wouldn't think so....real heroes never think they are heroes.

So Now to the threads

There is one theme that has been trying to speak to me...and I just got it.

Life takes courage...great big fat amounts.
Courage can not be given or granted...It has to be pulled from within...
Through faith, through thoughts and sometimes through actions..through sheer force of will..
Courage is a choice.
Just like quitting is a choice.
Just like fear, while natural, is a choice.

There is the way we wish things were....
And the way that they are.
For instance....
My daughter's friend said she has to trust people....
My daughter says she trusts God...because people are imperfect.
When we put our faith in other people...it is inevitable, at some point they will let us down.
And we will let them down.

All we can do or be....is be the kind of friend we would like to have or be.
In the space between the way we wish things are and the way they actually are...
we have the space to choose.
choose our reaction
choose our thoughts..
Choose our approach.
We can't control the world...only how we deal with it.

Fear. I had to step out behind that wall I had built and be noticed again...even though it scared me and sometimes it still scares me. In the blogs I read where weight loss has stalled...fear is the prime culprit.
Fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of change.

There are mother's who get up daily, knowing that their child is dying and still go on...they live life...do dishes, laundry...talk to people. Fear must stalk them...but they keep going.
That is courage.

I am dying...Just not RIGHT NOW....But someday I will be dead. and when I die I will die alone. Alone with my conscience.
I need to remember that so I don't waste time in fear or in pointless tasks, or pointless anger, or in holding on to bitterness.

Don't waste your time wishing for an ideal world. There is no such thing.
And I have come to the conclusion that it makes life that much sweeter.
It's the imperfections that make the perfect moments so beautiful.
It is the ugly that defines the beautiful...the coward defines the hero and vice versa...
It's a taoist thought...the void defining the object...the tao of courage.
People are imperfect...and that is what makes acts of courage, or of self sacrifice beautiful..because we live in a world that rewards the coward, the self serving, the cynical, the greedy.
When you exhibit courage...you are generally swimming up stream.
You must persist to overcome your obstacles...and the more obstacles, the sweeter the victory.

Love- It makes life worth living...and death doesn't destroy it.
As my daughter so eloquently pointed out....Jesus loved us...enough to die...and in his moment of greatest agony, he cried "why have you forsaken me"...God allowed him to feel alone in his suffering so that we know, that HE knows what it is like to feel forsaken and alone...to feel as if you have been crucified and left for dead.

To crawl back...not just from even ground...but to crawl up out of the pit to GET to even ground...to then begin your journey to your personal mountain top.

That is love. To go to where another is in their suffering and to suffer with them.
Just like those mothers and their children...like Jesus and us.

Beauty....To see the beauty in the mundane.
To not take anything for granted.
To be grateful to have lost my weight, for healthy children, to take a walk and see the beauty in a sunset...I have seen thousands of sunsets. Some people never get the chance.
So I try to see each sunset like it's my first, and my last.
In the end, I suppose what my soul has been trying to teach me is courage.
Courage to accept that I will die.
Courage to live my life fully without fear.
Courage to accept life's inherent imperfections and to see the beauty in spite of the pain and suffering.
Or perhaps just see beauty more clearly because of it.
Those are my thoughts.
I will be back tomorrow with my perfect 10 checklist.
It will help me be accountable.
Hugs to you all.
oh and then a girl sang this song last sunday...before stump spoke.

Chris out.


getting picky with it...

Hey guys..
I did okay but overdid the calories..I came in today at 1650 calories...but it could have been even worse.
I didn't add my calories from early in the day and I forgot that I noshed on some pecans. And for God sakes...don't mindlessly eat nuts. 1/3 cup 210 calories.
So, there I am in the middle of my salad when I realize that I forgot the nuts I ate.
so what happened...I pondered my chickeny, feta-y wonder that was my salad and sacrificed something...my walnuts. I had put 1/4 of a cup in...so I picked them out.
I have been doing this alot lately.
If I am eating something and the taste just isn't up to par...or there is cheese on there that I just don't want..I don't care where I am, I will pick it out.
earlier in the week I am getting a chicken philly sandwich with no cheese...the lady goes to put cheese on it.
I yell no!
She bout had a heart attack.
I say No Cheese.
They may think you are insane...but do you really want that 110 calories tagged onto your behind..especially when you are trying to LOSE weight.
I am sorry, provolone just deosn't cut it in the taste department.
Every last bit of food I ingest has to be worth that calorie bang for my buck.
So....over in the cal department...
then as a last act of attrition...I didn't finish my salad..there is still some chicken and feta on that plate...but I am just counting the cals and hoping for a nice surprise from the scale one way or the other...either way I am over.
Luckily I got one heckuva workout in...for around 650 calories burned..minus what I over ate for my weight 1460 calories...plus my workout 650....I could have ingested 2110 calories without gaining weight so I have a 460 calorie deficit....not too bad. I will do better tomorrow.
I got my situps in and some leg lifts....I am trying to lift my rear...I have F.B.S
flat butt syndrome.
I am trying to cure it.
Have a great night..
diet tip for the day.
Just cause it somehow made it's way onto your plate, it isn't too late.
Throw it away!
What doesn't go into your mouth..
won't end up on your rear.
Have a great night guys.


life lessons from a stump

Hey all,
oy with the gym today.
I decided to go onto carson instead of peterson so I could do all my 'errands' in one fell swoop.
will not be doing so again.
I cash the check, then decide to go to the gym....I get there, and I already know it isn't as nice as the other one..(I've been there before) but this was ridiculous.
I ended up changing in a bathroom that had no heat cause they had closed the womens locker room.
The worst part was they only had bikes and treadmills and stairsteppers and two weight areas.
Two weight areas were peopled with dudes and their babes.
The guys were lifting and their women were looking on adoringly.
Not one woman was doing weights.
I sit down at a machine....and
The guys all stared as if I had grown a third eye.
Not one of the machines was adjustable so I am having to stand on my toes to do back extensions or my neck would have hit the back pad.
I burned approximately 400 calories and was forced at one point to watch 'jersey shore' as I walked on a treadmill...I could only make it 10 minutes.
It was mind numbing.
I have never seen the monstrosity that is this show up till now.
So I watch seven minutes of overly tanned and moobish men bumping and grinding on poorly coifed gals in tight, garish dresses in less than stellar surroundings and then this barf fest was followed by an ad for 'teen mom's"!
I say, "What is this? White trash TV...
(My new years resolution going down in flames as my ick meter pegs)
a Then the show comes back on and it is JERSEY SHORE!

I seem to have found a fairly accurate rendering of the goings on of this show via southpark...there are two instances of cussing...but it did make me laugh...
So you are forewarned...don't watch it if you don't like or want to hear profanity.

light dawns.
Why do people watch that, or any television at all?
I depart....
I grocery shop.
got lots of good for me food.
Calories in at 1390...did good.
Back to my normal gym tomorrow.
anyways..onto my life lessons from a stump.
I love my church..
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and am a little late getting into the parking lot...and am jogging into the church..
I find out it isn't my pastor giving the sermon this morning...
I am Not so big on when the pastor takes 'a break'.
(I know they need one, just wish they would give me a heads up...so I can feign illness)
They always get the young, long winded, earnest types in there.
So they get this preacher in who wants to talk about Jesus and the teaching "my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Simple enough message? right?
(Then he starts with the whole I have been to theological seminary and let me prove it by finding every obscure verse that could possibly relate to what we are talking about here...see, I have read every commentary known to man)
now after about 20 minutes of the dude reciting this stuff, I am listing aft....(I didn't sleep well last night as my furnace kept cycling and I was afraid it was going to quit) so anyways...he says that there was a prophecy that the messiah would be descended from a stump. And I think...
The Stump, that's my nickname for this guy...and OH BOY.
There I go.
There is only a few times I have got the giggle fits in church...and I was headed toward one...as soon as he said STUMP, I snorted and then could feel the laugh just sitting there...bobbing my head up and down while I am digging my nails into my forehead because there aren't enough people in church for me to NOT be noticeable laughing my head off.
He says "I mean shoot"....I think 'YES, someone shoot him.." which sets me off again..
But then stump says something.
He says..."sometimes when life gets hard we can fall back into old patterns of sin because it is so comfortable."
We say "I deserve this (whatever it is), because I have been through this or that".
Maybe it's letting our anger get the better of us (did this yesterday)
Or maybe it's getting good and drunk, or maybe...
(light DAWNS HERE....It's eating a piece of pie because you had a rough day...or allowing yourself to shovel in the chocolate!)

And Stump saved me from embarrassment because he had authored my blog post for the evening.
Even when life gets stressful, or especially when life gets stressful..we can't fall back into our old patterns of over-eating and not exercising. Because not only does it NOT help, it harms.
We deserve to be healthy....not fat and tired.
So try to think of your new habits...( the ones that aren't so comfortable yet) as nurturing yourself instead of some sort of punishment.
YOu deserve to reach your goals, you deserve to be everything you want to be...and that twinky, or donut or pan dulce????think that's how it's spelled....or chocolate, french bread, krispy creme is not going to get you want you want. It isn't a reward...it's a punishment.
Because it is keeping you who you don't want to be.
Peace is having everything in order.
That is permanent peace, not the temporary peace you get from food.
So do what is best for you...
Have a great night.


New Year pictures...this year vs. last year plus WEIGH IN

Weight this morning 146.5
WEIGHT last year on January 1rst?
total lost 41.5 lbs.
What does that look like?

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40 lbs doesn't always sound like a lot...but it is a lot.
My good friend amber dropped over 40 lbs.
It can make a world of difference.
so don't take it lightly.

And for you guys who are new...maybe just deciding to give this thing a whirl.
Do it now.
You won't regret it.
On track today...
Came in at 1440 calories..
need to watch it with the measuring.
mistook a half cup for a third of a cup when dishing out yogurt today...and just realized it tonight after dinner.
Not too bad though.
walked two miles as my gym was closed.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym and back to pounding stuff out.
Have a good one guys.
Chris out.