1.23.2011

Captain obvious is confused and bemused...

Hello all, Chris is tired from her incredibly long day.
First was church where her pastor (Thank God) was back...therefore stump was no where to be seen...
Then there was the cookie selling which included three hours of knocking on the doors of complete strangers to ask if they would 'like to buy some girl scout cookies' which Chris counts as her walk...or so she says.
So she is currently ensconced in solitude and is perfectly willing to allow me to express my dismay at the current state of clothing in America.
So, without further ado...
What the FURK is this?


When did THIS become fashionable?

Captain obvious was out and about yesterday.
when what should stumble into my peripheral but these amalgams of heinousness.

As if being unattractive in only one way wasn't good enough, someone thought to put skinny pant anklets on baggy bottomed britches....
Not content to merely allow the subtle illusion of a larger bottom with the inward slope of the cuff, these pants scream...wideload!
I have been informed that these are emo pants.
Pants for the depressed teen.
Which makes sense.
Look how droopy they are.
In that rear end there is Room for
your copy of slaughterhouse five
10 chemical romance cds
hair gel.
black eyeliner
your therapists business card
a pocket comb
and a midget

I suppose this way, if you poop in your pants,
(because really, what is the point of going to the bathroom when the corporate oligarchy has declared war on your average joe and we are all just cogs in the capitalist pigs machine, while we rape the earth and kill the dolphins, and your mother never cared and she just doesn't understand how sensitive you are!)

It will not slide out the bottom, but merely cling to your inner thigh.
(should you go commando, as I am sure these style mavens do...not wanting the panty lines to mess with the silhouette and all .)
Where should you choose to bathe later
(but really, what's the point when life is just an endless miasma of trite happenstances where we are forced to conform to societal pressure...but I ain't giving in! I will rebel through the subtle defiance of deconstructed trousers! )

It will be easier to clean off.

In any case it would be a win/win for the incontinent set....

Captain obvious thinks if you are trying to construct your reality, or deconstruct, or make a statement around a pair of pants you may have a few GAPS in your logic.
Obviously done
Captain out
Captain obvious would like to break in for a special announcement.
jack lalanne passed away today in california...
good bye Jack....And Thank you.

10 comments:

Robin said...

Do you remember my shopping post when I said that I meandered over to juniors because I was having trouble in the Misses department? Even the size fours were too big in many brands. Well... that was when I discovered that many 80s trends were back, but worse. It was heinous. Parachute pants. There are some of these styles with zippers all over the pants. And then there are the ones that are ripped all up and down the sides. None of them are made to actually fit your body in an attractive way. None. Except for the skinny jean which hugs your body top to bottom. Hip to ankle. Well, since I am adult, I am choosing to not wear pants that hug my body hip to ankle and make me contort my foot just to get them past the ankle. It's a personal choice. Egads.

Deb Willbefree said...

"...and a midget." lol

I"m sure that's terribly ppolitically incorrect, but LOL!

Deb

Putz said...

i think your new year's picture is very stylish, isn't it?????????

Christine said...

lol, I'm not sure stretchy pants are ever stylish.

Angela Pea said...

Exactly!! Now I'm laughing uncontrollably...

Ice Queen said...

I love it when Captain Obvious pops in for a post.

I hadn't heard about Jack La Lane. He was pretty incredible and he had a great run. We should all be so lucky. He will be missed.

Hanlie said...

Terribly sad about Jack Lalanne - I was rooting on him reaching the big 100! He was certainly a pioneer and an icon.

With you on the pants... Seriously people! We were out and about yesterday and at one venue there was a table with four students with their weird hairstyles and baggy saggy pants and Craig said that just like we once did, these guys must have thought that their style of dress and attitude towards life serves as social commentary. It doesn't, of course, but when you're that age you don't know that.

Lanie Painie said...

another day ruined by cap'n

Ellie said...

Hahaha this entire post made me laugh so hard.

Those pants are ridiculous, I just thought kids weren't pulling their pants all the way up, not that they were designed to look like they haven't been pulled up.

What an odd fashion choice. I bet they are expensive too.

Some things I will never understand.

jsh said...

I thought of you today when I heard the news about Jack... I remember trying to follow his moves while watching him on my parents black and white tv when I was a kid... I got a big kick out of you reviving him here on your blog..... If only I would have kept it up......
And a big LOL on the pants!