1.17.2011

Does it make you feel free or is it a prison?

hey all,
Went to the gym again today..(went yesterday as well)
I have started barefoot jogging again.
I did 2 miles tonight in 23 minutes and then walked a mile and a half.
I did 125 situps...
The running was what surprised me because I hadn't up till this point looked at the time while I jogged. I just jogged.
But tonight I took note of what time it was on the clock when I started and what time I finished the two miles. I was happy with that because at no point was i really pushing.
Except for the last lap which I always sprint.
but seeing that number helped me make up my mind about something.
Not only do I want to be normal by my birthday weight wise.
But I want to pass the female army pt test.
At 37....I have to run the 2 miles in 17 minutes.. to get a 100
I would have to 77 situps and 40 pushups to get a 100...
Now, the only thing I am actually concerned about is the pushups.
The rest I would have no problem with, but I haven't done a real pushup in years.
I have been weight training though..so we shall see....probably tomorrow. lol.
I will practice this three times a week.
March 17th I will do my pt test.
yeah for birthdays.

When I was thinking of doing this, I remembered a dream I had when I was fat.

In my dreams I was never fat, I was always thin.
And when I started getting heart palpitations, and my legs and feet were getting more and more painful...my dreams became more and more vivid.
And one of the last "thin" dreams I had before I started losing weight was me back in basic training.
When I entered basic I was overweight.
By the end of basic I was in the first run group, the fastest group
I was the shortest person there.
Even though I was one of the fattest when I started, I never fell out of a run.
I never quit a ruck march.
It's all in the mind.
What you will and won't allow.
I wouldn't allow it.
But anyways....on our last run of basic (because this was my dream..the last run of basic)
It was going to be a six mile run and at the end (the last half mile) it was a free for all back to barracks...whoever got there first 'won'...
I remember thinking I wouldn't have any evergy left after 5 and a half miles....but while we ran we were passing the other run groups who had taken off first, and for some reason I felt like I had energy to go for days (and so did everyone else, no one fell back on that run).
Well, when we got to the last half mile he blew his whistle and we all just took off.
It was still dark outside, maybe five in the morning....and I was just flying down the hill....I remembered the feeling.
It felt like I was flying.
My feet coming down underneath my perfectly.
The wind whipping by my face...
my breath coming in even huffs.
Then I woke up.
And looked down.
And realized I was still fat.
And I cried.
I went from feeling like I was free,
to feeling like I was a rat trapped in a cage.
I rolled out of bed and put my feet on the floor..felt the pain shoot up the back of my legs as my heels touched.
And I thought then that I would always be fat...

Today I felt free.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.

11 comments:

Robin said...

I am not sure that you read my music post over the weekend, but I talked about my dreams in that post, too. Weird. Funny how we think alike sometimes. I got your comment on my post from today. I think that sometimes our dreams push us towards what we can be. They serve as a reminder or a push toward where we need to go, or what we can become. Not always, of course. Sometimes they are just crazy mishmash of worry and anxiety that make very little sense. However, I think that your true self was telling you that you were capable of being thin. There was a thin person inside of you, and you had the fortitude to "get there." And here you are. Free.

Amber said...

See? What did I tell you about running. Now you understand what I meant when running let me feel free, like me and not mom, wife, friend. Just me!
It was the one thing that gave me and my body the feeling of being free.

Glad you enjoyed your run! Good job!

Good luck with the push-ups!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Freedom in all forms is such a blessing!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I am so happy that you are getting out of your cage! You look amazing and are so positive it really is an inspiration to me. I know that I am strong and I hope to be as strong as you not the physical but the determination and metal kind :)

Helen said...

Ahhh, the sweet smell of freedom. Nothing like it is there?

paulawannacracker said...

chris, I admire your stamina, drive and commitment to being fit and healthy. Any way you can bottle it up and sell it? I'll take two bottles please!

Greatg job with your run and taking that test. You'll get it done just like everything else you've set your mind too.

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

AMEN to feeling free. It's one of the things I love about running. That I CAN. And the wind/rain/sun/whatever on my face/in my hair. Just being me for a minute with no other obligations.

Powerful post, Chris!

steepclimb said...

Wow, very beautiful post. I am basically starting from the same place you did weight wise, so I take so much inspiration from you! Congrats on how far you've come!

M Pax said...

Yes, free!

Putz said...

all i remember from the army was getting shot at when i was on my belly 3 feet above my head, machine gun fire, our last thingy before i as the company clerk typed all the ordwers for all of us to viet nam<><><>yep yep that is all i rember

Christine said...

God bless you Mr. Putz and thank you for your service. My two uncles and my step dad served there as well. You never got the home coming you deserved. So thank you.