For our Soldiers......

And their families...
In everlasting memory
*not mine...click link , but it expresses my feelings perfectly.


This is what happens when you put rocks in buckets...

hello all...
Thank you all for all of your well wishes. I love reading your comments.
It wasn't all tea and gravy for the last 18 years...but I think it made us stronger...any marriage longer than 6 months has it's ups and downs. lol.

So, I decided today to dig out under my bushes and plant ground cover instead of rock.
This looked and sounded (in my mind) deceptively simple after the week long hoe fest along the other side of my driveway to plant a flowerbed.  (I won't get into the details...but lets just say I hope the neighbors austree lives)....anywhoozle.
I dig out the rocks with my hands because no garden tool or other implement seemed to do the job as well as my fingers....After about two hours of raking out rock with my fingers....I realized that simply moving that mess of rock and dirt and leaves and plastic bits to fill in the holes on the side of the house would not improve my home's appearance...so I had to 'clean' the rock.
We have a saying in this house...in this life you either have time or money.
We have time.
So....I started picking rocks out of the dirt and putting them in buckets (after an abortive attempt at hosing them off which produced nothing but muddy rocks.)
This is a time consuming and boring job. 
So I am sitting there with movie lines running through my head..namely black adder.
I don't know if there are any black adder fans...but I am thinking flashart and  the line
"Well this isn't a good use of my time and resources but I am going to do it anyway!" lol.
When a neighbors truck pulls up and I hear this little snippet of a 'conversation' on talk radio.
A lady saying that Jimmy johnson could 'be himself'.
Or could be more himself.
What does that mean?
HOw does one become MORE oneself.
I have met people who, should that little snippet of 'wisdom' come burbling forth from a relative's lips, that person should do their level best to ignore the advice.
Our society and it's focus on self realization tends to lead in circles.
It's kind of like an ever smaller spiral where 'me' supercedes everything and everyone else.
Yes, we need to evaluate ourselves honestly.
We need to know what makes us happy...
But we live in communities and families and value systems..
all of which inform who we percieve ourselves to be...
And my only thought as I plunk, plunk, plunked those rocks into the bucket was this.
We are who we choose to be.
What if you are a drug addict who was abused and kicked out of your house at the age of 15, went to jail, ended up homeless and took up robbing liquor stores.
Would you advise that person to be 'more themselves'.
I was watching a documentary last night about the difference between the rich and the poor..
and not to be too simplistic...
but the main difference was the difference in what each person thought was POSSIBLE.
Do you think you can do and be what you want to be?
invariably, the poor person said no.
The rich person said yes.
Even when they started out poor.
The poor people spent the majority of their time blaming their circumstances, their situation, and the world around them....not once did they look in a mirror.
I started out poor.
It took me a long time to shake that mentality.
The 'life is luck' mentality.
Sometimes life is luck...
but more often, luck is preparation meeting opportunity.
So...If you want to be more yourself...
Be who God created you to be.
People tend to think small.
Pick an ideal.
Aim high.
Be the you you would be if there were no 'limits'.
Then  you will be MORE yourself.
Chris out.


On the occasion of my 18th wedding anniversary...

18 years.holy crow.
 Honestly, with my background I never thought I would be married 'forever'...It's a hard notion to contemplate when YOu watch multiple divorces.
 So, It was nice today to celebrate my 18th wedding anniversary...only one year less than the age I married...at 19.
When I got married I had people come out of the wood work to tell me not to.
That I didn't understand what marriage was...or how much work it would take.
No, I didn't.
Nobody does.
Regardless of age, Nobody is truly prepared for marriage.
I did get lucky by stumbling in to the ONE person who had a similar goal.
And that goal was to NEVER.GET.DIVORCED.
Not unless he beat me and or cheated.
I think his was if I would have cheated, ....Neither of us was going to...and we both came from homes with no real father figure.
We both wanted a family that stayed together.
So while we are different in many ways...we have learned that our differences compensate for our mutual strengths and weaknesses.
We have seen each other at our best and worst and not only do we still love each other...we love each other in a deeper fashion than just a romantic love.
We are friends now.You can't beat that.
We decided to spend today together as a family at the zoo.It was beautiful...I am off to finish my front flower garden and clean the rest of my house.
I'll be uploading a picture of me and my husband at the zoo on facebook....I will leave a link and leave it open so you All CAN SEE...EVEN MR. PUTZ WHO HASNOFACEBOOK. lol.
Have a great night guys.
Have a great night.
Chris out


Habits are hard....

breaking old ones and making new ones.
I used to have the habit of sleeping till 9:30...getting up and eating breakfast....dickering around on the computer....doing school....going to the gym...maybe cleaning the house when I got home (maybe not ;oP) and then to bed around 11. 
Now I have decided to change my habits...and I had been putting this off for nearly a month.
Because I knew it would  be hard.
I had so many things I wanted to change...
This started a few months back with the house.
I took my oldest daughter to a birthday party and was talking to another woman there whose daughter will be graduating.
I asked her what she would do once her daughter moved out..
She said, "Probably get my house Clean'.
And I thought "No, you won't."
Not because there was something inherently wrong with the person I am talking to, but because if the house had been a priority, it would have gotten clean already. 
Just like my weight issue...
I said for years....I will lose weight 'when'.
If there is anything you want to change, you have to make it a priority.
And This woman didn't make a clean house her priority.
This is not a judgement, but it is also a reality.
For instance...I will never have beautiful, long nails.
Well, because I turn the hot water on for dishes...and there sit the rubber gloves.
If I really cared about long, pretty nails.
I would wear them.
I would paint them more than once a week or once every other week.
I wouldn't dig in the dirt without work gloves...
I wouldn't use my (short) nails as mini scrapers for stickers, prying open packages...nor would I chew on them when nervous.
It isn't a priority...no matter how I envy other people's nails.
I once had a neighbor lady watch me plant petunias in my flower box.
Now this lady had trained her dog to go poop behind a specific tree in her yard.
She had birthday parties for her dog.
She made her dog apologize to people....
But when she saw me planting real flowers in my flower box she said
"I just have better ways to spend my time than tending flowers out front."
In much the same way I open the back door and let my dog out to freely roam the yard till he finds the perfect spot to take a dump...and the only birthday present he gets is a bone.
So what I am trying to say is this...Your life, for good or ill...is a reflection not of your wishes...or your fondest dreams...
But of your true priorities.
There is a reason you are spending time on things.
You may feel you spend the majority of your time on ridiculous items..
But if you look closely,  you will see that those items are attached to some dearly held beliefs...
and if you want to break that habit, you are going to have to challenge those beliefs.
I used to spend a lot of time reading romance novels.
It was my "well deserved break."
That and eating...those were my rewards.
And at one point and time, the thought of giving those items up...
Well, it made me feel suffocated.
I had to challenge my assumptions
and push through those first hurdles.
It is hard creating a habit that doesn't produce instant gratification.
My days now look like
get up and get coffee...at 7 am.
no food till after my 'spiritual walk and spiritual food'...
This is a two mile walk with a sermon...I do take the coffee with me...or I would not be functional at this point.
Then it's home and breakfast.
I have decided that my breakfast and lunch need to be minimal and healthy.
So egg whites only with lowfat cheese and ham or yogurt...with fruit.
Lunch will be some sort of soup or salad...or maybe half a sandwhich.
In this time frame, from 10-3 pm. I am doing house work and yard work.
Then it's either off to the gym for 40 minutes on the elliptical and upper body weights.
or another 2 mile walk.
then it's dinner.     
After dinner on mondays wednesdays and fridays I blog
Tuesdays, thursdays and Saturdays I draw.
Sundays I rest...no walking, I will comment but not blog....(I am hoping to get most of my commenting done on this day...I don't get much computer time anymore and I really miss reading you guys.)
I will  be doing food prep....veggie cutting and soup making on Sundays and spending time relaxing with my family along with church.
At nights after 9 I have an hour or two of free time.
I spend it watching sliders with my kids on netflicks some nights...on other nights I look at the news or peruse curriculum etc. for homeschool.
Then it's prayer time, then bed.
It isn't easy and I have been rebelling in my spirit a bit, but doing things that are good for us but  hard builds character...so I am doing them.
My house is cleaner and I have lost some muscle definition from not working out so much...But I am bringing life into balance.
*I have been reading a book called abraham lincoln's world...very interesting.
I am learning the habits of discipline and balance.
Oh, and that whole control the tongue thing..
It is HARD ya'll.
so quick confession.
I had one big let my  mouth run mess up where I made a joke about someone losing a limb..forgetting that the person's loved one had LOST A LIMB...(Now this is the PRIME reason I have been trying to watch my mouth...If they sold Dr. Scholl for the mouth, I'd buyHAVE to buy one, my foot is in there so much)
Then I gossiped two days ago to a friend, which I shouldn't have done...I let anger get the best of me.
I said right after I did it that I'd  have to repent of the conversation. And I did.  I feel badly cause when  you gossip you are pouring it into someone else's ear as well. Inflicting it, as it were. So double duty bad ju ju.
Then, Today my husband got short with me and I got mad, so instead of wishing him good bye as he went to work, I said 'see ya' in a flip manner.
When you start working on your mouth, It really starts showing up your attitude, and the places that need fixing.
I have a lot of work to do.
Have a great week guys. 
Oh, and Robin I have you on my prayer list....big hugs to you.
( Her father passed, so if you all could drop by to express your condolences)
and I wanted to say a quick thank you to Myra for her homerun award...I have about 5 minutes of computer time left..but I will be posting this in my sidebar. Knowing my blog post had helped someone means a lot to me....
oh and mike said something in the comments last time that really struck me.
We love who we serve. What a wonderful concept.
Oh, And LISA is back and 80 pounds lighter, so drop on in to say howdy to lisa and congratulate her on winning! Great job lisa!
Thank you for all the comments you guys, I do read them and appreciate them.
oh, and I forgot my sister in Christ annalisa last time!
Creating new habits..yup.
Have a great night guys..


In honor of the imminent destruction of space and time...

apparently we are either being raptured or killed in a cataclysmic earthquake...so, In honor of this momentous occasion I thought I would discuss something that makes things easier.

Building habits over time can ensure success.
You tend to do what you have been doing.
Now, If we are all raptured tomorrow or killed in a cataclysmic earthquake the likes of which we have never seen....then ignore this.
If we aren't...then carry on.

There are a few habits I began right away when I started this whole journey.
The first was, I walked every day for the first month.
I wanted to make exercise a part of my daily routine.
I turned off the tv.
I wanted to make the television irrelevant to my life.
I wanted to be accountable about my daily caloric intake.
So I bought a scale and measuring devices and logged my calories.

Now I am going to start my day in prayer and reflection ...probably with a quick walk in the mornings while listening to a downloaded sermon or some praise music.
It will get my mind right in regards to where my heart should be during the day..
I find if I am not proactive in this area, control of the tongue becomes much harder.
Then I intend to end my day in prayer...
I have started making a prayer list not only for my loved ones and acqaintences..but for people who vex me...and people I really can't stand.
My good friend mary ellen made a point the other day that can't be ignored.
What difference does it make if you don't say it, if you are thinking it.
Now...I believe we reinforce negative ideas by speaking them...repeatedly.
Have you ever noticed how much more righteous and angry you get while repeating a wrong done to you?
Repeating the wrong to a sympathetic crowd can really work you into an excitable state..
But as someone once said "It's hard to HATE  a person once you've started praying for them".

And to be honest, I wouldn't know, because I have NEVER done it....So, this should be interesting.
So, I am hoping that by making spiritual reflection, solitude,  and prayer time a part of my daily routine...time with God...I will begin to shape up my insides as well as my outsides...

Now for a poem:
The Habit Poem
I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to
I am completely at your command.
Half of the things you do you might as well turn
over to me and I will do them – quickly and
I am easily managed – you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done
and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of great people,
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine though
I work with the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a person.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me, and
I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you.
Who am I? I am Habit.
Have a great night guys...
And if I don't see you here, I'll see you there! ;o)
Chris out.


A woman after God's own heart....

well, All of this emotional/ spiritual upheaval has brought me to a point of reckoning. 
I t hink some of you remember me talking about putting my spiritual journey on the back burner when I started this whole weight loss process.
And in reality, I needed to...because my weight needed tending to.
It still does, but in a more practical day to day way.
Now it's time to work on who I want to be in Christ.
I have found a church.
I am going to apply for membership.
For many years I felt inferior. I guess that is the right word.
less than.
I was fat.  I grew up in an abusive home.
I didn't have the same softness that many of the ladies at church had.
I have finally realized that I have been trying to remake myself under my own steam.
And you other ladies who are sisters in Christ know what I am talking about.
If I am going to do this, I have to let God get in there and tinker.
or overhaul...
or rip it out and start again.
However that works.
And much like my wieght, I need to be held accountable.
So I am reaching out to my sisters in Christ  ....Deb, Loretta, Myra, margene, Christine, Joy...and any others who come out of the woodwork.
I am working on my tongue...
\It has been an issue since I was 12.
I want to exhibit the fruits of the spirit with my words.
And since I don't have the type of mentorship I would like in my church...I am working on it.
I encourage you to keep me on the narrow path in regards to my speech on this blog.
I don't want to use my blog to slander, belittle, cuss,  to use 'careless words'
Proverbs 12:23 (NIV) says, "A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly."
I want my speech to reflect a Godly character...I am currently reading Elizabeth George's "A woman after God's own heart'.
I realize that this won't occur all at once, so I need spotters and encouragers. I have 3 times now in the last two days stopped myself from malicious speech mid sentence...and when my husband asks "what?" I say...'I was going to say something mean'.
It happens a lot more than I would  like.
I am apparently full of judgement.
And considering the source, I think I need to focus on me.
So...while I strive to moderate my eating and exercising.
and work towards teaching my children, cleaning my home...taming my tongue.
I don't know why I thought life was boring.
There is plenty to do.
I guess th e key word here is discipline.
you need discipline to follow God, to get really close to him.
And I am starting now.
Big hugs,
Talk at you all later.
Chris out.


okay...now a post......Where the rubber meets the road.

lol...that last post was my 666th post...this is 667. I though the 666th post would be inappropriate for a sunday...so skipped it.
I worked all weekend and walked saturday and sunday.
I am eating maintenance calories for 135 pounds and have been for 1 week.
It is harder than I thought.
Just because I have given myself a pretty steady calorie and diet regimen.
It's hard because there are no pig out days...
and no starve days.
just discipline and sometimes yes's and sometimes no's.
I will weigh in on June 1rst to see what's up...
I was 146...again..
I am  hoping for around 145 on the first.
I rather expect a 1 to 2 lb loss per month.
But since this is for forever, that is okay.
When I hit where my body is comfortable...well, it's where it hits.
I feel good here.
If I lose 5 more, I will feel good.
It's about living this way...forever.
1600 a day...2200 on a friday....
or if I know a special event is coming...1800 one friday and  2800 the next and so on.
I think I will go stir crazy.
It's harder than all in or all out.
but I know this is where the rubber meets the road.
This part of my journey will determine whether I succeed or fail.
Good thing to remember.
Have a great night guys...
Chris out.

nope not a post.....


great week....and a very sad sentence....

Hey all,
well...my week went exactly as I would have wished food and exercise wise.
Today is my 2000 calorie day...and I earned everyone of them at the gym...\
all my other calories should add up to a small loss come sunday.
And I am sure you all read my blog about mother's day...
and here is part of the reason why I wrote it...
I have a relative who seems to think staying at home with your kids is not a good 'career'...
Saddest sentence I think I have ever heard...I heard today...
she said "Some women use their children as an excuse to not get a job."
Welcome to the proletariat.
Homemaking used to be considered a job.
Now it's seen as an excuse to avoid the job market.
As I have already said, I think it's one of the most important jobs ever...even if you have no children in the home.
Because you can extend your hospitality to other women, to lonely people...bachelors, neighborhood kids...you could make your home a haven from a lot of people who have no home...just a house.
The fact that my *redacted doesn't understand this is just plain sad.
My mother worked because she needed to...but she still strove to make our house a home...(after the divorce, it  helps to get rid of the abusive types in the house...makes it more comfortable)
I bit my lip.
I am a big believer in respecting your elders...even when they are completely cracked.
But what I really wanted to say isn't printable...
So I will just leave you with this...

"Mama's Mama, on a winter's day, milked the cows
and fed them hay; slopped the hogs, saddled
the mule and got the children off to school.
Did a washing, mopped the floors,
washed some windows and did some chores
Cooked a dish of home dried fruit,
pressed her husband's Sunday suit.
Swept the parlor, made the bed,
baked a dozen loaves of bread.
Split some firewood and lugged it in,
enough to fill the kitchen bin.
Cleaned the lamps and put oil in, stewed some apples
she thought might spoil. Churned the butter, baked
a cake, then exclaimed,
"For mercy's sake, the calves have got out of the pen."
Went out and chased them in again.
Gathered the eggs and locked the stable,
returned to the house and set the table,
cooked a supper that was delicious
and afterward washed all the dishes.
Fed the cat, sprinkled the clothes,
mended a basket full of hose.
Then she opened the organ and began to play -
"When you come to the end of a perfect day.!"

I have come to believe in what I do deeply...as deeply as a  doctor, or a minister, or a lawyer.
In the church there is a concept of mentoring young wives...and I think as I get older I may.
young women are so torn these days.
Told that what they do is not really contributing to the family...
Money, in our society, seems to be the be all and end all.
To be equal they must do the work of two men...the work at  home and the work away from home.
In any job...you will be replaced, and barely missed in 10-20 years.
not so with your family.
If you pour into your family, they will pour into you.
Big hugs.
oh...and best sentence was yesterday when My daughter came home from high school with another academic letter and said "I couldn't have done this without you mom."
It helped take the sting out of today's words, I can tell you...just thinking about it.
As the bible says "The wisdom of this world is foolishness"
To that I can only say "AMEN!"

*I am working on my tongue...and as such, saying or talking about people directly is now forbidden unless it is kind. It's called a tongue fast. I may end up with a stump as a tongue by the end of the month, but it's worth it...the rest I find, still stands.


I'll do better tomorrow....

Ever say that...
only to wake up and NOT do better.
about a week ago I was into week 2 of this phenomenon....
I was still exercising...but each night was eating over my alotted calories by 200 to 300 calories...
I had excuses...
I am getting the house in order...
I am tired....
I am too busy to cook....


So last friday night...as I was laying in bed and feeling flabby...
I said to myself "you can do better tomorrow until you are 262 lbs. again.
Is that what you want?"
I love the conversations I have with me...I always recieve an answer.

Obviously not.
Two years down the tubes would be a big waste of time....

I was dealing with a lot of mental issues and nightmares...
I was dealing with nearly two years of house neglect...paint that needed to be applied...
walls that needed to be washed etc.
But I can see how two weeks of moderately bad eating can lead to a spiral of weight gain.
After only 2 weeks I was more tired....the excuses grew more plentiful..
and not counting every bite seemed more logical all the time.
Dangerous ground.
I had to pull myself back in and say
Self....you can do this.
You can start NOW and stop eating whatever suits your fancy...
and plop..
out of my mouth plopped 5 chewed up pecans...
right into the wastebasket.
So If you have been on a 'break'.
focusing on other things.
But you know in your heart of hearts it is a rebellion against thinking about 'it'...
You can hop right back on the horse...right now...
Not tomorrow....
Tomorrow is just an excuse to keep eating.
Chris out.


Mothers make the home....

You know,
when I embarked on this motherhood thing over 17 years ago...
I knew it was important...
But not how important.
I thought I wanted a career.
I wanted to be someone important...someone special.
I wanted to make a difference.
I had bought the lie that the only way you make a difference is if you are getting paid to do so.
Now, this is not to downgrade mothers who do work outside the home......
I just wanted to take a minute out to say something to mothers who are asked...
"So...what do you DO?"
I have been asked this many times...in many different situations.
I have gotten many kinds of responses.
From "Oh, how nice..."
"Oh, aren't you bored just sitting at home'
lol....I wish.

It took me years to realize I had the most important job in the world.
I used to write things like 'domestic engineer' on hospital forms.
Until I understood that I was doing it because I felt that writing " homemaker" would be degrading.
And I stopped coming up with fancy names, and embraced what I was.
A homemaker.
There is no higher calling....
Especially now, when the art of making a home is nearly a lost art.
I am forming the character of two distinct people.
The home I created for them (and continue to create daily )Is their doorway to the world. My expectations for them would eventually be the same expecations they would have about themselves.
I aimed high...
So that they would aim high.
I was (and still am) the mirror by which they view the world...and
I was (and still am) their teacher.

I taught them both to read.
To write...
to add and subtract, multiply and divide...
I introduced them to good literature and growth experiences....

But more importantly -
I taught them about God.
I gave them a firm foundation on which to grow.
A foundation that can't be shaken.
I taught them the importance of the home...of family....of taking time for the ones you love.

So to all the mother's out there who are asked daily.
"What do you do?"

Tell them...."I raise the future".
That knowledge is gift enough for me, today and every day....
Tell people that you raise the future...
Because you do.
Good job and keep up the good work.
Happy mother's day.
Chris out.


All this because I want to be a lady....

I have a feeling I know what kicked this all off....

I have always wanted to be a 'lady'...

Now, I am a woman.
a chick.
a girl.

But I have always wanted to be a lady...

you know,
the kind, gracious, open, loving happy ladies you hear tell about..
a few of whom I have met.

All of whom I admire.

They don't cuss, lose their temper, or approach everything from a cynical point of view.

So I started to try.


being kind.

But there is this voice in my head that is sooooo hard and cynical.

and negative.

Not about me anymore..

But about the world.

And the harder I tried...the more the voice said

"and you smile at the wrong person, they beat you and take your purse'.

Chick cuts me off and gives me the finger...I give it back.


then the harder I tried, the worse the dread got...

I don't know if any of you remember the fainting goat post.

I used to have the same suffocating and overwhelming fear of men.

That's better now.

So, I took a walk tonight...I have no idea how long it was..

I realized that the same fear of men which could be personalized..
was really a fear of life and the world at large.
Of being weak, or taken advantage of...

that opening myself up like that was asking to get hurt.

And trounced on.

It is easier to stay hard.

It is harder to care.

I have always known this, and that is why I have always admired the so called 'naive suckers' who manage to live this way.

I don't know if I can go that far...

But I think I can try.

For years, I spent my time wishing my childhood had been something other than what it was.

wishing for an unblemished window with which to view the world...

I wanted a soul that looked like this...

I thought with a soul that smooth, life would have been easier..

Instead I got a soul that looks a bit like this:

Not too pretty.

getting to the bottom of your chicken coop and realizing it's damaged from all the shit is depressing.

Getting to the bottom and realizing there is more work to do..

especially when you can't replace the boards.

So what I have to do is polish what life gave me.

Instead of having a perfectly smooth,unmarred soul.

I will have one that looks like this....


I love this...it is reclaimed barn wood.

I also loved the warning that accompanied the picture.

It said...each piece is unique.

Each piece has had some damage..

nail holes, hammer marks and the like.

Just like people.

It's our imperfections that make us beautiful.

I have come to the conclusion that It is our damage that makes us beautiful...especially when we are able to go through all of it, and then remake ourselves into something new and more useful because of the wisdom gained through the pain.

Wishing for an unblemished soul is kind of like wishing for an unlived life.

lesson learned.

Chris out.


I'm damaged....

well, I have thought and thought and thought...
And I think I have figured it out.
I have worked on nearly everything....
letting my anger go in a healthy and productive manner.

There is one thing I haven't worked on...and don't know how to work on..
and it's important.
But honestly I don't think it's fixable.
I don't trust...
It fell into place tonight.
I think for a long time I covered it up with simply not 'needing' anything.
I get by now by not expecting people to be trustworthy.
or to remember
or to act right.
I expect the worst...
so that when people do right, I am pleasantly surprised.
and when they don't..
not a blip.
I don't trust in anything but my ability to do what's right by me and my body.
I trust me.
and I have good reason for being this way.
Growing up...
I couldn't really trust anyone.
I couldn't trust my father figure who was an abuser.
or my mom to protect us.
or my teachers to notice.
or my older brother...who is a diagnosed sociopath....who would steal things then hide them in my room...and try to frame me...or he would hit me....or pick at me until I cried.
except everyone knew he was doing it...
I built a wall....a good one.
Once he realized that nothing got to me...he stopped.
When I hit the age of 10 my abusive step father's father (I would call him'grampa' but he doesn't deserve the title.... tried to...(or actually did....he touched me inappropriately) molest me on an overnight camping trip. He actually did go the whole way with his girls and they were never right. He just didn't have the opportunity with me....he just touched me, and I rolled over and he quit before I woke the others.
And quite frankly...I think that's when I started having a problem with insomnia...because even sleeping wasn't safe.
I was poor and in school I wasn't popular in middle school and I was picked on...school wasn't safe.
I walled my innermost heart off.
I have kept it walled off....I love my husband...but even part of me is held back.
because of earlier issues.
It doesn't mean you don't love these people...
It just means you don't rely on them.
And in a way...my children are people I trust.
But I don't rely on them to keep me safe.
I keep them safe.
And my oldest is going to college.
so I think knowing that she is leavng....and I can't protect her.
And I only trust me to protect her.
Is causing all sorts of issues.
I wouldn't have noticed how deep this trust issue goes if not for all these nightmares.
last night I dreamt a neighbor stuck sharp objects in my dog's feet...and I spent the night pulling them out and then went to visit him.
(this dude is not an actual neighbor...just a dream neighbor)
I was smiling and told him I knew what he did to my dog.
he said "then why are you smiling?"
I said "because I have death in me"
and I woke up.
I kept repeating that sentence over and over...wondering what did it mean?
And I finally realized that part of me is dead.
The part that hopes for the best in people.
That part that trusts implicitly.
That's the part in my youngest that scares the hell out of me.
But it's healthy.
It's normal.
It's what most people have.
People who have had a stable, normal, honest home..
with parents who care and love them.
I don't have it.
Because I didn't have it.
That is why I am so brutally honest. I finally realized what it is that makes me tick.
I want to be a person other people can trust.
I want who I am on the outside to match who I am on the inside.

The words that come out of my mouth have to be true.
lying is not acceptable.
because I was lied to.
bullying and belittling is not acceptable.
because I was abused.
and being untrustworthy is disgusting to me...
because growing up...I had no one but God to trust.
That's why I rarely volunteer for anything.
Because once I give my word...that's it.
It's given.
Once I give my friendship.
It's given.
Now I know why these are so important to me.
But not trusting leaves a big hole.
And makes it hard to make friends.
It makes it hard to be myself with 'real life' people.
I had a conversation today with neighbors...and finally realized that 90 percent of adult communication seems to be politeness and posturing.
covering our percieved flaws.....

real communication is rare.
real trust is rare.
awareness is the first step..
well, I am off to be crafty and think some more.
Have a great night,


swimming in deep waters.

I hate it when My psyche is trying to tell me something and I can't quite grasp it.
hate it.
I know something is there, pulling at the edges of my mind.
But It won't come out.
so I dream.
This whole last week has been dreams of children dying.
Not of cancer..
from accidents.
and it started before I saw these kids on curbs playing near traffic.
It started with a dream about my daughter falling through a railingwhile reaching for a tennis shoe and dying. ( I woke up the next day and threw the shoes away)
Then the next night I dreamed I was living with a young african american couple and their five kids. Just to be clear.
I don't know any young african american couples with five kids.
It was a very clear dream.
In my dream I was moving in with my abusive step father and his wife...??????(I have no idea why, something about them needing me to move in with them...and why I should care I don't know)
and the older kids had gone out...and the youngest Tania (pronounced Tah nee ya...(yes, she had a name) wanted to go...
I had to go and couldn't watch her. Her mother was there....and so was her father.
so after I left....she took off after her brothers and sisters on a bike and got hit by a car.
and the father said "I am a college professor, I should have been more responsible...I should have known where she was" and I woke up.
dream 3....I dreamed I was someone else...(this actually happens with undue frequency)
and in my dream I am pregnant...and I have the baby.
But the baby has issues. And is brought home with some sort of breathing apperatus.
Because the baby I had had before had similar issues and actually died of sids (remember I am someone else here)....and there is a horrible storm...and the tree crashes through the roof...and we can hear the beeeeeeep of the monitor sounding but we can't get to the baby and the baby dies.

Three for three.
I don't think I want to go to sleep tonight.
well, dream interpreters.....wade on in.
Chris out.


Captain obvious- The craptastic parenting edtition

Captain obvious here...
Chris is busy cleaning up vomit...her youngest has succumbed to a bad case of stomach flu and has sent me in to pinch hit with something that has been on our collective minds lately.
people who should be neutered before breeding.
Captain obvious was tooling down the road yesterday, on my way to a random strip mall for some well deserved R&R, when what should I see but a little girl no older than 2 (not even) playing near (on the curb!) of the four lane major artery in the city....with her slack jawed, mouth breather mother a good 200 feet back on the sidewalk.
Captain obvious nearly had a car accident.
Captain obvious's loved ones had to stop captain from turning around to scream at the mouth breather.
Captain obvious wonders if people think their children have some sort of a magical force field that creates the kind of buffer that allows children to fall into a road way, get run over by a car, but end up being miraculously unharmed by the 2000 pound death machine hurtling toward your baby's head.

Where is this magical force field, and is it available for purchase?
I'd like one.
Captain obvious could have let this pass had it not been for the fact that later the same day, I stopped in at Walmart....also known as a magnet for the interesting.....and saw something very similar.
Two very young children playing on a curb where traffic was entering and exiting. The children ranged in age from 2 to 4 years of age...No parent to be seen.
I stood in stupefication.
Along with another lady who was standing there stupified...
She looked at me and I at her.
She said "I was thinking the same thing."
Then the mother bothers to get her lazy *ss out of the car.
Young, but that really has nothing to do with it.
It was a good 2 minutes of playing near the traffic for those kids.
I will leave the suppositions up to you.
Gives a whole new meaning to the word idiot.
You will see these people on the news later, crying and saying...
Well, I thought I would let her out to play while I washed my car. (always a favorite)
I thought the screen would hold on the second floor.
I just ran in for a minute.
and left the car running
the doors unlocked
and my children in the car.

I see people walking across parking lots talking on their cell phones, puffing on their ciggies while their toddler runs along 10 feet behind.
These people are obviously hoping other people care more about their children then they do.
If you don't want them, don't have them.
If taking care of them is too difficult...
If it cuts into your tv time.
Your bar time
Your hair and nail budget.
Don't have them.
If you somehow think you need a winter coat but your kid can go in short sleeves and no shoes.
Don't have a kid.
If your sixth boyfriend doesn't like kids so you dump them off on your mother to have more 'me' time...don't have kids.
It's called a condom and birth control.
And if by some chance you end up with a child...
That means that YOUR childhood is at an end...and attempting to relive it vicariously through your child is evil.
grow up.
and raise them.
obviously done,
Captain out.