well, I have thought and thought and thought...
And I think I have figured it out.
I have worked on nearly everything....
letting my anger go in a healthy and productive manner.
There is one thing I haven't worked on...and don't know how to work on..
and it's important.
But honestly I don't think it's fixable.
I don't trust...
It fell into place tonight.
I think for a long time I covered it up with simply not 'needing' anything.
I get by now by not expecting people to be trustworthy.
or to remember
or to act right.
I expect the worst...
so that when people do right, I am pleasantly surprised.
and when they don't..
not a blip.
I don't trust in anything but my ability to do what's right by me and my body.
I trust me.
and I have good reason for being this way.
I couldn't really trust anyone.
I couldn't trust my father figure who was an abuser.
or my mom to protect us.
or my teachers to notice.
or my older brother...who is a diagnosed sociopath....who would steal things then hide them in my room...and try to frame me...or he would hit me....or pick at me until I cried.
except everyone knew he was doing it...
I built a wall....a good one.
Once he realized that nothing got to me...he stopped.
When I hit the age of 10 my abusive step father's father (I would call him'grampa' but he doesn't deserve the title.... tried to...(or actually did....he touched me inappropriately) molest me on an overnight camping trip. He actually did go the whole way with his girls and they were never right. He just didn't have the opportunity with me....he just touched me, and I rolled over and he quit before I woke the others.
And quite frankly...I think that's when I started having a problem with insomnia...because even sleeping wasn't safe.
I was poor and in school I wasn't popular in middle school and I was picked on...school wasn't safe.
I walled my innermost heart off.
I have kept it walled off....I love my husband...but even part of me is held back.
because of earlier issues.
It doesn't mean you don't love these people...
It just means you don't rely on them.
And in a way...my children are people I trust.
But I don't rely on them to keep me safe.
I keep them safe.
And my oldest is going to college.
so I think knowing that she is leavng....and I can't protect her.
And I only trust me to protect her.
Is causing all sorts of issues.
I wouldn't have noticed how deep this trust issue goes if not for all these nightmares.
last night I dreamt a neighbor stuck sharp objects in my dog's feet...and I spent the night pulling them out and then went to visit him.
(this dude is not an actual neighbor...just a dream neighbor)
I was smiling and told him I knew what he did to my dog.
he said "then why are you smiling?"
I said "because I have death in me"
and I woke up.
I kept repeating that sentence over and over...wondering what did it mean?
And I finally realized that part of me is dead.
The part that hopes for the best in people.
That part that trusts implicitly.
That's the part in my youngest that scares the hell out of me.
But it's healthy.
It's what most people have.
People who have had a stable, normal, honest home..
with parents who care and love them.
I don't have it.
Because I didn't have it.
That is why I am so brutally honest. I finally realized what it is that makes me tick.
I want to be a person other people can trust.
I want who I am on the outside to match who I am on the inside.
The words that come out of my mouth have to be true.
lying is not acceptable.
because I was lied to.
bullying and belittling is not acceptable.
because I was abused.
and being untrustworthy is disgusting to me...
because growing up...I had no one but God to trust.
That's why I rarely volunteer for anything.
Because once I give my word...that's it.
Once I give my friendship.
Now I know why these are so important to me.
But not trusting leaves a big hole.
And makes it hard to make friends.
It makes it hard to be myself with 'real life' people.
I had a conversation today with neighbors...and finally realized that 90 percent of adult communication seems to be politeness and posturing.
covering our percieved flaws.....
real communication is rare.
real trust is rare.
awareness is the first step..
well, I am off to be crafty and think some more.
Have a great night,