coalescence

To come together to form one whole...

There has always been two sides of me..
There was a side that wanted to serve God..
And the side that feared that God wasn't enough...
The side that wanted to serve God, to live my life for God...
conflicted with the me that wanted vengeance...

or as paula said the other day... Wanted an apology with a list of percieved wrongs laid out one by one. And restitution paid..and made.
When in reality. No restitution was possible.
So I would go back and forth, back and forth.
When you go back and forth you aren't moving forward.
When you go back and forth you aren't committed....
You are double minded.
I had to be willing to let it all go.

all of it.

Every last piece of anger.
I am not a liar.. I could not write it if I didn't truly mean it.
I had to reach a place inside that I could say with integrity...I forgive him.
I think sometimes that I had the idea that the anger made me strong.
But it really made me weak.
Losing your temper.. Being so angry you are unable to control what you say and how you act.. Isn't strength.
It's weakness.
Being the one to forgive.
The one to live with peace in your heart.. The person to live with prudence and self restraint.. The person to extends mercy and does not demand retribution..
That is the stronger person.
Because it is MUCH HARDER.
Being a Christian isn't a crutch.
It's a cross.
And we can't do it alone.
We need each other.
We need forgiveness and we need to extend forgiveness.
We need friends and we need to be a friend.
Being interdependent is the highest level of human achievement.
Doing it alone is easier.
Being alone is easier.
Being accountable, being responsible...and being involved... living your life for God's purpose... is harder..and in the end much more rewarding.
I choose that.
I choose God.
I choose forgiveness with no backward looks or glances.
The past was my road to where I am now.
I will not regret it...I will thank God for it.
It taught me what people are capable of apart of God's grace.
Because If I had not had God...I would be Duane.
Because I would have no idea what unconditional love looks like.
I would have no guide to what kind of response Was expected of me...
I would have no idea that I was invaluable.
I would have been as lost as he still is... And that shouldn't make me angry.
It no longer does.
It makes me sad.
The reason God rejoices in the return of the prodigal is because for ever lamb that falls away and comes back.. it's one life restored...and that life is invaluable not only in and of itself.. but because of every life that life touches..for good or ill.
By forgiving...I win..not just for me.. but for my family and friends and for anyone who reads this and understands and takes the message and runs with it.
To be a light in the dark.
To stand for something...for God.
So I am done having a fit about the unfairness of life.
It's time to make the best of what time I have left, however long God grants me.
It is time for me To be accountable..to take care of my health and my family... and that is the minimum.. I will write more about my minimums...
I am setting my sights much higher.
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.