I desire mercy

Not sacrifice...
Jesus said "Go find out what this means"....

Now for me as a Christian...when Jesus says "Go do this.."
It seems like it is pretty important.
Ever since I read that a while back I have been trying to figure out exactly what he meant..
I am still doing my word study on 'light'...
There are a lot of references to light...the light within us...the light of mercy..
interestingly...whenever the judgement of God is mentioned...it is referred to as either fire or clouds...something that blocks the light.... Have more work to do to fully understand that..
I think I may have gotten a big  hunk of it out of Isaiah 58...
It talks about the difference between mercy and sacrifice..
Sometimes we do things for "God" thinking that is what God wants..
Like laying down our talent to focus on family...
or fasting to 'punish the flesh...like in the passage below...
Isaiah 58:5
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the Lord?
It talks about fasting as a form of self justification...a way to feel superior..
It really has nothing to do with God even though we do it in God's NAME.

God would prefer we did this:
6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 
(He would rather you show mercy or love, rather than to focus on what you are sacrificing for God.)
Then if you do these things....the following will happen...now this is not WHY you should do it...but is a side benefit of being a true servant of God...and not a servant to your own self righteousness. 

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
I thought this last bit was VERY interesting....because I have felt drained...
forgiveness was a command.
I should forgive...and forget
because it is what God commanded...
when in reality that is NOT what God commands...
He commands me to love
The why is the most important thing.
If I forgive as an act of sacrifice to prove my rightness before God...it drains me.
If I forgive to shine the light of God...then I am refilling myself.
You see...one is a sacrifice..a taking..
and one is a filling and an overflow of a never ending source.
One is from me...a finite being..
the other from God...author of life.
I have viewed everything from my limited perspective and concept of justice..
When I can never comprehend the entire picture.
I am commanded to love..
and love never takes...it only gives.
The love is not what we humans view as human love..
it is agape love...
Thomas Jay Oord has defined agape as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being."[3]
The love God has for his  creation...he doesn't want to see a single light burn out..because if one light goes out..or is diverted or thwarted because of sin (In my case. the sin of wrath in response to the same sin of wrath..)...then not only is that one less person (me) to be God's hands on earth...
it stops the infinite spark that I have within that is the seat of the holy spirit.
And God's intention for me...to be a light to others
is inhibited.
When I don't forgive..or forgive from my limited abilities...
I am blocking God.
I become a weakened vessel...a weakened light.
When that happens, the purpose for which God created  me becomes thwarted.
That is not acceptable...
I have needed to Go back to God's word and try to understand why I have felt so  broken...
It is because I am broken.
I am incomplete...as humans we will never be whole apart from God.
I have to let go of my own ideas of justice and trust in God..
and I have to let the love God has for Duane guide me..
not my limited perspective.
I have to lay down my anger, hate, wrath and sense of injustice..
And pick up God's 'yoke'.
It's a lot lighter than the one I've been carrying.
While I might wish to see a temporal justice..
Eternal justice is much deeper.
And that is for God to decide..It is for me to open myself and to not be afraid...
I am digging my way back.
Thank you for your patience with this process.


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

That is some deep soul-searching thoughts there. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and what you are learning. I like how you talk about God's yolk being lighter after we lay ours down.

I had so many thoughts while reading this post, I couldn't possibly express them all, however I feel for your searching and seeking for answers and wisdom.

I feel the same way in my struggles and journey. I have been studying about Love and God's love which is this Pure Love of Christ. And also what it really means to trust God.

I hope you can find peace in that eternal justice and truly find peace and light. I pray you find your answers and find the healing you need.

Much love,

MargieAnne said...

Love is never easy
Sometimes it's a simple decision.
Love is often complicated
Decisions are straight forward,
A matter of choice.

You seek and you search
You will find
That's God's promise.


Retta said...

Sounds like you know the truth from James 2:13... "Mercy triumphs over judgement"

Isn't it wonderful when we search for answers, and He meets us? :-)

E. Jane said...

You're working very hard, Chris. May you find the peace and grace that you seek. Blessings and hugs to you...

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...


Hanlie said...

Thank you for posting these thoughts. They shine a light onto my own path.

Robin said...

Thank you. I, too, have been feeling spiritually drained and didn't connect the dots until I read this. I feel that I have great good work to do in the future, but I can't allow the darkness in the past to drain my inner light. And I think that has been part of my problem. Didn't really see that until I read this post.

I am so glad with how far you have come in your journey, Chris. There is NOTHING you cannot do:-) I admire your determination so very much!!!!

Joy said...

Keep seeking my Friend, the Lord will show you the way!! He is with you!!

Keep focused!!

paulawannacracker said...

wow... something drew me to your blog today and I just read the last 4 entries. I've been feeling the need to be closer to God and reading about Daisy and your search for answers lifted my spirits.

My recently asked for forgiveness and I didn't even think twice before I gave it to him. Then weeks later, I thought I WANT HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE DID. I WANT A LIST... I started to think about those things and feelings came up t hat I had looong buried.

I knew he was only asking as part of his 12 step program and then, I decided to let it go. Not to wear the SHIT like a wet blanket.

I know you'll find a way to let go... I admire the way you are always taking a "personal inventory" and work towards a better version of you.

Hugs friend.