well, I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wanted to be more involved...that I wanted to start participating..
Well, apparently when you care what people think of you..
When you are trying to make friends..
you get nervous.
You wonder if people like you.
If you are being annoying OR what image you are projecting..lol.
You would think this was normal..
in a teenager.
However, I am not your normal person...so this is new for me.
It's easier to avoid trying new things.
Than it is to try and fail.
It's easier to sit on the sidelines.
Then to get rejected.
I am ready to try, and (hopefully not) fail.
I have a workout buddy.
We work out three days a week together.
(The other three days I do cardio alone.)
That means it's not just me I'm letting down if I choose not to do my workout.
I am letting her down.
It's extra responsibility.
It also means that I have to think about what I say because she is a new friend...
I spent years with no filter.
I didn't care what anyone thought.
I was 'done' with that.
Now, I want to learn how to operate on a level where I am meeting people who have all sorts of different backgrounds..
If I want to teach, I am going to have to learn how to communicate.
I am going to have to learn how to have a public persona...how to express what I want to say, so that the message isn't obscured by delivery.
I am back on track mentally.
I feel like I am continuing on...and leaving that burden of hate behind me on the highway.
I am not confident yet.
But this new way of viewing the past, the present and the future will be better in the long run.
\It isn't as if some burden has been lifted off suddenly...it's just that each time those memories make an appearance..I choose to look at the matter in a new way.
I could look back and be disappointed that I didn't see this all sooner.
Or I could be grateful that I have finally gotten 'it'...
In the midst of this process...I have realized that my minimum standard of behavior was going to keep me stuck at a level of life that I didn't want.
I was happy if I got my house livable...I was happy if I could simply maintain my weight...get my workout in...
Now I realize instead of looking at those two things as achievements...
That those should be baseline.
They are my minimum standards for acceptable living.
something that is automatic....
My life needs to START there..not end there.
Great...I am healthy
Great...I am organized...
That is up to me!
I get to choose!
Just because I started later than most people, doesn't mean I am disqualified from dreams and aspirations!
I am still coming up with my list..
I will put them on here as I go along.
I did my full body workout today with my friend Brooke.
I kept my calories under 1800....
I am thinking my minimum acceptable standard for calorie intake should be 1500 to 1600 until I hit goal weight.
But I need to think about that before I commit to it.
I don't want to speak rashly anymore.
I want to think things through.
I hope everyone had a great day.
Have a great night.