Finding my real flaws....

I know one...I know one!!!
I discovered it after nearly two nights of no sleep...and that was with sleeping pills.

It makes me very very nervous.
eye tick anxious.
What change has brought about this lack of sleep and nervous tick?
I changed my house insurance to another company.
A gal who read a few of my posts made a very good point about my childhood, uncertainty and the feeling that the other shoe will drop.
In my world..there was no good surprise.
Therefore..whatever I do now...If something is 'working' in  the relative sense..
I don't like to change it up.
Even if it will save me 100 dollars a month (which this will).
For instance..
gym times.
I go at a certain time..
any other time feels funny..
now I created new habits..
But I had to do it for a month or two before it felt okay.
Each new thing had anxiety attached...
loads of anxiety.
The really illuminating moment was today.
Our post got a brand new commissary.
It's nice..it is huge..brand new.
Most people would be happy..
I had an eye tick.
Nothing was in the right place.
It's the same reason I like everything to have a place...It feels good knowing where things are.
For a long time, my clutter was my comfort..
because as long as I was dealing with my clutter...I didn't have to think about anything else..
My health, or my hobbies..or getting a life.
Now I want to get a life, so I need everything in it's place.
Changing my house insurance was very weird and stressful.
I changed my car insurance as well to save money.
To most people..these are not  big things.
But to me..I don't like to rock the boat.
There has been a ton of change for me the last few weeks..
I may need to step back and let some of this change settle in.
Let it become my new normal.
It took me two years to really commit to a church.
It took me 12 years after I married to change my last name.
I wanted to make sure it worked out.
If things are going too well..I expect a bad boomerang.
I need to work on my thinking...
To try and expect the best.
I worked out today..but hit at 1900 calories total.
Tomorrow I will do better.
I hope everyone had a great day.
Every day is a new day to push forward.
I just keep trying.
Chris out.


Amber said...

Just like Dory from Nemo, the saying is, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

Christine said...

lol...I'm a tryin'.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Love this. Could have written something very similar at one time. But then it probably wouldn't have come out as good or as understandable, I swear. LOL!
"...no good surprises"- damn straight. Anyway, it does get better. Really.
I actually look to try to change things up even if they don't need it now. It's pretty fun, believe it or not!
Glad you're getting braver with the changes!

E. Jane said...

This sounds like me. For those of us who had precarious childhoods, we have to be CONVINCED that almost everything is safe!

Robin said...

Well, I am glad you found *something* because perfect people are flat out annoying. LOL.

Christine said...

Oh, I have oodles...now it's just extracting the damaging ones from the ones that were told to me...which are real and which are imaginary. Which were percieved to be flaws..and which are really there and need to be worked on...like, am I really overly sensitive..or was that an abusers way of controlling me...etc. Takes time.

Alexia said...

hahah! Oh to laugh at anxiety! I know what you're saying about though. Sometimes I think that if people knew the things I worry about they'd laugh at me. hahahaha, I can't believe myself sometimes. So you're not alone :)