I have been silent on my blog lately because my mind has been a mudhole.
I was unsettled water.
I knew what I wanted, but thought I didn't have a way of moving forward.
There is always a way to move forward.
I was talking to a very good friend today about fear.
About how when we carry around fear, it infects everyone around us..
especially our children.
For years I carried a can't do attitude.
I was stymied by my own mind.
Fearful of THE UNKNOWN...drawing up anxieties out of the shadows of my past.
Convinced there was nothing I could do to change my life.
My oldest daughter picked up on my pessimism.
it's one of the hardest things to see...
That even when we are doing our best, sometimes we miss the mark.
Our frailties as well as our strengths are absorbed by our children.
The good part...over the last three years, as I have gained confidence and let go of my excuses and shadow fears...my oldest has begun to embrace more optimism.
It's never too late to turn a corner and change.
I made a huge leap on September 11th.
I signed up for Vee arnis Jitsu.
The class I have been talking about forever.
It was half off for veterans for the first six months.
I decided it was now or never.
so now it is...
And last night, as I was enduring my second night of class (joint manipulation and arm bars OUCH!)
I watched the most amazing thing.
I watched my sensei take a six foot tall, 300 lbs person by three fingers and make them do whatever he wanted.
Up they went...down they went....Over they went...
I nearly cried at the simplicity.
And the only thing I could think was this:
If my mother had known the magic finger trick...she wouldn't have gotten her ass beat.
If my mother had known how to defend herself, she wouldn't have been so afraid.
And in turn, my brothers and I would not have had to be afraid.
In that moment...everything I have done or ever will do was crystalized for me.
I want to teach this to women, to girls...
The knowledge ITSELF will impute power.
I felt ten times more self sufficient in the two classes I took
..far and above the miniscule amount of knowledge I had gained
IT WAS THE IDEA
The idea that I could, through technique, win a battle.
I was CAPABLE.
I was able.
I just have to learn and apply myself.
I want to learn that, feel that and then impart that.
Fear is a feeling that you won't be able to control the outcomes.
That whatever may happen, you won't be able to handle it.
I allowed fear to control nearly all of my decisions for years...
The fear got so pervasive that it controlled what I participated in and who I talked to or what I thought of the future.
and when I see it now in others, it can make me sad/crazy/unhappy...but I do understand.
When fear rules you..
You project it onto everything around you.
And everything becomes dangerous.
And your world becomes smaller and smaller.
When you strip away your fear through becoming capable..
And allow that knowledge to seep into your soul...
Your world becomes larger and much more rewarding.
And that is what I want to give.
I want to give women the skills to build their own bridge to freedom.