8.10.2010

HDC- Day 17....Time travel to about one year ago...

Okay guys....I am on day 17 of my hundred days challenge....I thought I would skitchy doo back a year to see what was going on in my noggin and viola...I found something pretty relevant to motivation...and commitment and fear and pushing through.
This is from August 8th, 2009. I was 230 lbs at the time of this post...weight this morning
150 lbs.
What a difference a year makes.

08-08-09

aaahhhh....here comes that feeling again.

Hey all, I have lost 32 lbs so far. Fantastic right? You would think so. On a cerebral level, I am ecstatic. I feel better, have more energy (or had), I can do more during the day.

However, I hit thirty pounds about a week ago, and since then I have had, in my gut, a persistent feeling of dread. A feeling of impending doom. I am a big believer in intuition so thought something bad was about to happen. I have been "hungry" for the last week. I have "tired"...feeling "too tired" to walk. (I have eaten right and walked anyway) What has changed? NOTHING. This is where I have always quit before. I have a feeling of dread, I am tired, I am hungry, what's the point, I feel fine now that I have lost some weight etc.

This is where psychological warfare begins, with myself. It was so sneaky this time. Usually I quit easier and so never run into these persistant thoughts about food. This is my fear of losing weight and being vulnerable, being seen. It has lodged in my gut and in my subconscious. It is my subconscious mind attempting to undermine my conscious efforts. That sounds crazy, but this is exactly why I do what I hate (as paul would say). I have a programming in My subconscious mind that keeps me fat. There is a reason I am fat. It isn't because, consciously I want to be...but somewhere along the way, my subconcious has convinced me that my fat is keeping me safe . It keeps me invisible. I am slowly becoming visible, and I know consciously that this is what I want. Subconsciously, all hell is breaking loose.
I need new programming. I am going to keep going, today is my three mile walk and my whole body hurts. I think it's mental, not physical. I have got to reprogram myself. So, I need, over a period of time... Good associations with being healthier, with being thin. When I was young, I was thin. My associations with that period of time was physical, emotional and in one particularly damaging instance, sexual abuse. This person called me his "petite princess'. It wasn't as bad of an experience as it could have been, but it was bad enough. Just touching. I didn't want to be anyone's petite princess, or victim ever again, and so I began to gain weight. .............................................

Right now I feel vulnerable because for the next six to eight months I am not fit enough to really protect myself, and I am not fat enough to be invisible. Tricky. I do have a push knife that I take with me on walks. I know this sounds paranoid to people, but it is just the truth. There is only so much you can get rid of mentally. The rest of recovery takes time and reprogramming. I will get better about weight as time goes on and collect good associations, but I have to get there. It's kind of like being terrified of heights and the only way you are going to overcome your fear of heights is to climb mount everest. So, that is why every pound is a victory for me. When someone loses a half pound and I congratulate them I truly mean it. For some of us, this is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. I wish you all luck and to stay mentally conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them, hold them up against reality. This can be mentally exhausting but is necessary for you if you are going to keep going.
hugs and God bless,
Chris


I just wanted to say guys, That this fear didn't just 'go away'.
I have had the same persistent feeling of dread in my gut for the last 10 lbs now.

Every milestone I have reached has made me both happy and afraid.
Now when I get afraid I can go back to that self defense class I took and remember stomping the crap out of the 'attacker'.
It helps.
I am also "aware' of what that feeling is and how to combat it.
This instance above was the first instance.
Every time I overcame it, it got easier.

Every time I had to overcome it, I became stronger.
I remembered why I wanted to lose weight.
That I wasn't going to allow my past to dictate my future.
That I wanted to be healthy.
And I climbed over it, or went around it, or under it or straight through it.
I didn't let anything stop me.
after a while, the motion of my forward momentum was so strong that when things popped up, I just rolled over them...but the next couple of months after this post....
They were very hard.
But getting over them was what I needed to do to make it to where I am now.
So if you are going through trials, thank God for them...for they are what will give you the strength to see this thing through till the end. You just have to fight your way through to build up your spiritual and mental muscle.

I did 40 minutes on the stairstepper and a 2.5 mile walk.
I am in at 1470 calories.
looking forward to my big date night tomorrow.
hugs,
Chris

16 comments:

Robin said...

It has to help to go back and read that blog and know that you pushed through it. When you feel that same dread now, you know you can push through it. It is scary but you can do it. It isn't impossible. It isn't fun, but it feels great when you are on the other side. I posted a comment on your comment on my blog. Thanks for your insight. I always appreciate it.

M said...

You have done such an amazing job :)

Jane said...

Thank you for sharing that previous post. It was a great help to me in understanding some of the roadblocks I face. It is obvious that you are a much stronger person now, as the result of your journey. You will make it, and stay where you want to be. You're stronger and wiser. Take care.

Rettakat said...

"So if you are going through trials, thank God for them...for they are what will give you the strength to see this thing through till the end. You just have to fight your way through to build up your spiritual and mental muscle."


What a great message to tattoo across my forehead! Why is it so easy to forget this truth!?

Thanks once again for a needed reminder!
Loretta
=^..^=

Deb Willbefree said...

Well. If you keep this up, I'm going to have to start sending you a fee for the therapy! :}

I had that moment of ecstacy and fear at 190. I stayed at 190 for three months. Part of that plateau was the gluten on/ gluten off fiasco, but not all.

I had always quit at 190 before. Except for once.

That one time I got to 175. I quit then and never got below 190 again. Ever. Until now.

Now I am at 171--I've been at 169 & 168 for about 10 minutes at a time--since June. I lost 2 pounds in July. Nothing yet in August--except that fleeting couple of pounds, that are currently back around my waist. :}

I am ecstatic and terrified--and I'm having a hard time getting past it. Panic is beginning to rise. The fact that it makes no rational sense--AT ALL--certainly doesn't help.

This post did help, however. At least, reading my own thoughts in your words makes me less willing to dismiss them. But I'm not sure how to face them head on.

It's the invisible thing. I know that it is. If I had any doubt, my reverting to type for the seminar erased it. I don't know how to be invisible if I don't have all that fat to hide behind... But I don't know how to be present, either.

Thanks, Chris. Sorry to have turned this comment into my own post.

Deb

Sparkler said...

I could really relate to your comments about being invisible...I clearly remember a few years ago travellin to Australia by myself and sitting in Singapore airport on a three hour stopover thinking,'It's so much easier being fat because I'm invisible and I'm being left alone.' When I was young and slim I would ALWAYS get hit on when I travelled by myself...usually by more than one guy and I wasn't very confident or assertive enough to easily get rid of them...my fat was protecting me from that unwanted attention.

anne h said...

The invisibility thing. I live there.
Sansa the knife.

Michele said...

Hi,
An Inspiring post! Thank-you for sharing your own fears with all of us. It helps us to face our own fears, too. Your words of strength and determination (end of post) are felt by all of us and will help each of overcome our own hurdles.

What a transformation you have made in one year! Time to celebrate! Michele

M Pax said...

Oh, I know about dread in the gut ... especially lately.

I've done a lot of scarey things in the past year or so. The pay off is greater than the negative.

Facing my fear of public speaking led to this past weekend. It got me closer to realizing my dreams.

We don't always succeed. But what I learned by losing the weight, you still learn something valueable and if you open your eyes and pay attention, you can arm yourself better for the next time. Live to fight another day and learn to fight better. One day, it will pay off. Until it does,, we have to learn to be patient and pay our dues.

Flutt sounds dirty - lol - my word verification

Katie J said...

That is one of the great things about blogging is being able to go back and see your progress not only physically but mentally. I love your raw honesty Chris.

Joy said...

You have come a long way!!! Your progress is remarkable!!! I can't wait to look back at a full year and see how much I've grown. Can't wait!

NewMe said...

I apologize if I'm asking you a question you've answered before but is this fear directly related to violence you have experienced in the past?

cmoursler said...

@new me...yep.
I had a few years of it in my youth. I didn't like men much for a very long time. It has takentime..but I have managed to let go of alot of it.

Linda Pressman said...

Reading your posts sometimes is like getting a little bit of psychotherapy, Chris. So thanks for saving me a few hundred dollars! Let me get this straight - when I get that fear-driven knot of dread in my gut, instead of running from whatever it is that's causing it, I have to push my way through it? I should know that, right? Do it anyway. Thanks.

Lanie Painie said...

I love this post. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. I have a similar hang-up when it comes to safety for myself and my little girl. Call me paranoid or over protective, but I don't let my guard down. I think a self-defense class is a good idea.

Geneen Roth would say to remind yourself that you are no longer that small defenseless girl. You are a grown woman now and you have your own unique POWER. Nobody can do that to you again!

Lanie Painie said...

I love this post. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. I have a similar hang-up when it comes to safety for myself and my little girl. Call me paranoid or over protective, but I don't let my guard down. I think a self-defense class is a good idea.

Geneen Roth would say to remind yourself that you are no longer that small defenseless girl. You are a grown woman now and you have your own unique POWER. Nobody can do that to you again!