can't find words deep enough

to title this post.

I don't know if you have ever felt splintered.
or fractured.
I remember feeling that way since I was little. (around 12)
But I didn't know I felt that way..
Like there was some internal weakness in me..that was unfixable.
Like I was somehow inherently incapable.
It manifested in fear of people...and staying alone.
Never speaking up...never putting anyone out.
Being abused...
being called stupid as a name..daily.
It instilled in me a BELIEF that I was wrong intrinsically.
I fought that with my BELIEF that God had planned me....had written me into the palm of his hand from the foundations of the earth and that I was no mistake.
They say you cannot hold two opposing beliefs.
That is not true.
You can.
You will just be confused.
You will fight within yourself.
You will have no real direction.
Because one half of you will be pulling like hell in one direction.
While the other half is pulling like hell in the other.
On the outside, this looks like stagnation.
inside it is a hurricane.
People will think you just lack motivation.
But what are you really?
you are TIRED!
  And you don't even know why.

It's because somewhere deep inside there are two sides of you...two belief systems
trying to win.
You can go your whole life doing this.
Don't think you can't.
The thing is...
the negative is much easier to believe.
The truth is so much harder to accept.
The truth means that not only do you have to level TO THE FOUNDATION your entire life..
which was built on a premise of lies about who you are..and what you are capable of..
it means you may lose people you love.
and that you hope love you.
Sometimes  it means accepting hurtful truths..
that they fell in love with an image in their own minds...and it was never you they loved to begin with.
and sometimes it is accepting that who you fell in love with, was safety.
It may mean you have to let go of the faulty premise of your love..
and rebuild a new relationship built on honesty and exposure..
and being who you really are...
not who you tried to be to please them...
or an image of who you wish you were..
or who someone told you you are...

And that is where I am...
I am in the rebuilding phase of my marriage.
And it is hard.
And it is wonderful.
and honest..and real.
And for the first time in our marriage..I feel like when he looks at me, and I look at him..we are really seeing each other.
And he hugged me yesterday and said "I really do love you, you know."
and I realized I really do love him too.

But I did it withour sacrificing who I am becoming.
And without lying.
and with telling him the truth about what I want.
Because I deserve to be treated with kindness...
and when he treats me with anger or contempt...I call it out right there.
I am learning my worth in God's eyes.
and givng my love accordingly...
I am trusting the process will take me where I need to go without clinging to any specific outcome.
That takes faith and hope.
Two things I have learned to reacquire.
I haven't had the urge to eat just to eat in three weeks. 
I have actually stopped, midway through a meal because I was no longer hungry..
not because I made myself.
I just stopped.
Like when I was little.
that was a good moment.
chris out.


Sean Anderson said...

You're doing some amazing work, Christine. This post-- I'm at a loss for words (very rare for me). This is big, BIG stuff, as you're well aware... foundation type stuff from which everything else is built--and once it's built it takes tremendous courage to say, "you know what--no! No more is this okay, because it's wrong," effectively tearing down what was built and starting anew...so beautiful, Christine. I applaud you for the work you're doing within your relationship--it sounds wonderful.
Your experience with food recently-- could it be a case of "work on the inside stuff and the outside will take care?"
Wonderful to read this from you.
You go deep, Christine--simply powerful. Thank you.

Retta said...

Had to reach for the kleenex... tears of joy for you, Chris.

MargieAnne said...

I am awed by your ability to express yourself, to be honest and to learn to live as a whole person. It's not easy to learn to be who you are and live by who you are. The risks are enormous. The rewards immeasurable.

You give hope to all who read ..... precious. You encourage faith but the greatest of all is becoming sure of love.

Thank-you for being you. You have blessed me..... I am happy for you.


Unknown said...



kathyj333 said...

My God. i'm 55 years old and still feel this way. Thank you so much for this post. It's a lonely feeling, isn't it? Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

Kimberly said...

Hi Christine...I am new to your blog and only wish I had found it sooner. I started reading and couldn't stop. Post after post that just hit me like a bullet. I have been at this journey for several years now and am just now starting to understand what it's really all about. Your blog is raw and honest and a breath of fresh air. Thanks!

katie said...

the deliberate life becomes..the AUTHENTIC LIFE

Robin said...

Have you heard the saying, "We accept the love we think we deserve" before? It was what ran through my head as I read this. You accepted the love you thought you deserved and everything ran smoothly until your ideas on what you deserved changed (woohoo!).

Reading this post makes me wonder if I need to go back to the Drawing Board and re-examine some of my own ideas on What I Deserve. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Chris.

It's been such a hard, painful struggle, but I believe that now, even tho battles are yet to be fought, you are no longer fighting uphill. You are on level ground.

You have pushed through to the place where authentic love and life can happen.

May the Lord bless the space you're standing in. May He bring healing to your heart and your husband's, and may He fill both of your hearts with joy. In Jesus' Name.


DiscConnected said...


Robin at Your Daily Dose steered me to your June 24 post.

I checked out an older post just to see what your "normal" blogging style was.

I liked this as well, especiall this sentence:

Because I deserve to be treated with kindness...

I see so many people stay in bad relationships, and always wonder why.

Not just you, but EVERYONE deserves (and should demand) to be treated with kindness...

You bare a lot of your soul in these posts, which takes guts...but you're also showing a lot of self-actualization that took me the better part of five decades to achieve.

And if one young person reads these posts and finds a shortcut to those epiphanies, think of the change you will have affected on someone else!