5.29.2014

You deserve to be seen and loved

I used to wake  up in the morning dreaming of a perfect life.
I would skim through conversations with my husband..
ignoring the glaring warning signs of a lack of respect...
I would excuse it..wish it away..
oh he's just hungry..
grumpy...
feeling terrible
etc.
I used to project feelings onto others
I projected loyalty, love and friendship where only scant evidence existed.
As the late, great maya angelou once said
When people show you who they are; believe them.
Not
When people show you who they are...ignore it and wish it away. lol.

One of the scariest parts of getting healthy is facing the myriad of shitty relationships you have developed.
If the people around you don't believe in you..
don't believe the best in you.
aren't there for you when you need them most..
but you keep giving and giving and giving..
in the vain hope that someday, all that giving will show them what a fantastic person you are..
that you are worthy of love or friendship.
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Because a real friend, or lover or family member...doesn't need you to prove anything.
They simply believe you, and in you.
IF you were raised in  a family that was a complete bag of shit...
you will have to take my word for that.
But you will never find it in people who say one thing....but then never DO what they say.
love is a verb.
It's like the boyfriend who says.
oh baby...I love you..
but never calls.
when you need to talk...he's never there.
And when you need him period..he says you are clingy.
and when he is disrespectful in his language and demeanor..
and you get upset...
you are too sensitive.
This is your classic asshole..
there is no fixing this.
he latched on to YOU...because you threw off the vibe 'needy'.
you had no boundaries..
and he knew he could use you and abuse you...and you would still try to win his affection.
Because you KNEW you had to earn love.
That is what you had been taught, and what you had accepted as your reality...
and the predator types hone in on that.
I had an epic lesson in friendship.
I won't go into details...but it involved he said/she said...
and I approached this and tried to fix things...
I was lied about..but called a liar..and I had no way to prove my veracity. A woman I had only known ONE YEAR... looked at me and said..
Chris..
I have only known you one year...but I know this.
You would not lie.
That my friends...was a friend in action.
That's what it looks like when someone bothers to stop and see you..
and this same friend had also noticed something so profound...something I thought I held secret..
I took my youngest out to dinner..
and my youngest looked at me and said..
You know mom, I have a problem..how am I ever going to give my child a better life than the one I have had...mine has been perfect.
and I cried.
and when I told my friend what sophie had said..
she said..
That was your biggest wish, and you accomplished it.
I never told her that.
she just knew.
I tell you...to be truly known by someone...man.
it's about the best feeling in the world.
Because she saw past all my sarcasm and my smart ass..
and knew deep down that my primary purpose in life was to erase..moment by moment..
my childhood..and replace it with memories of my children's childhood.
she saw in me...a person who valued her integrity..and saw in my daughter..the same.
That takes a person who cares enough to look and to see...
I go to work daily...and have a boss who sees my potential.
If you are brave enough to see where you stand...
do one thing..
stop rowing.
many times we are rowing boats in relationships.
we think we are in tandem..
but we are rowing alone...
and we are so tired...we think there must be drag.
But we stop rowing..
and the boat stops.
If you want to know the state of your relationship, whatever it may be.
Stop rowing.
If the other person picks up the oars.
You may be on to something.
If not, it's time to find a new boat.
The hardest thing about creating boundaries and watching changes in behavior as a result...is that it never really erases what you already know about the person whose behavior is changing.
You can't unknow what you know.
Because I value my integrity so highly...the knowledge that someone who purports to love you...would treat you like shit unless you say no?
um..
That doesn't strike me as love.
The healthier I get....the less bullshit I am capable of filtering.
I do believe my bullshit filter is full.
But learning to set those boundaries and demand better.
it's essential to getting well.
You will find people who love you, and see you, and value you and want to take the time to be in relationship with you...
You just have to stop putting all your energy into people who have no interest in returning the favor.
make room.
it will happen.
I will post about my trip to san antonio later in the week..
hope all is good with you!
With love,
Chris out.


17 comments:

kathyj333 said...

All I can say is Amen.

SevenBrightPeople said...
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Quiltingranny said...

I so needed to hear this today, thanks for sharing!

Robin said...

If you want to know where you are in a relationship... stop rowing.

Wow.

I think of EVERY bad relationship I have had and how doing this would have made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that I was in it all by myself.

I am glad you are now making friends who *see* you.

Retta said...

I once read an analogy about relationships, that was trying to show the dynamics between people.

They said it was like a set of interlocking gears. When one changed it would affect all the other gears it was engaging with. And if the other gears refused to adjust to the changes... well you know sound of grinding gears.

It was a paper handed out from a recovery clinic for the family members of inpatients. They wanted us to know that for healthy relationships, all family members had to be willing to grow, change, and adjust.

And if not... well... the Gear getting healthy had to disengage from the frozen gears.

We can't forget the past and how we were treated, but we can forgive.

I pray that God will "oil" any stubborn gears in your life, Chris. And give you wisdom in the decisions you'll be making.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

(((hugs)))

Sean Anderson said...

I needed this post tonight. Thank you. So many things about it popped out at me--my first thought was--oh, I''m quoting that in my comment," but then after identifying more than three---I thought better of it...
This whole post is deep and profound and a gift to read and absorb.
I love it when you cuss. Call me crazy, but when you wrote "cut that shit out" I spit water across my desk.

Deb Willbefree said...
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bbubblyb said...

Chris, your words have always spoke to me. I have gradually cut my toxic relationships out of my life. I've also found I can still have occasional visits with those people and I just love them where they are. Something Mike has always said which really hit home with me is the analogy of crabs in a bucket and how when one tries to crawl out the others will grab and pull it back in, really fits with this post I think. I'm glad you're finding healthy loving relationships in your life now. *hugs*

Shae said...

As others have commented... I needed this. I have been afraid to "stop rowing" because I have been afraid to face the truth. I am in this by myself and no matter how much I want it to change...it never will. Thanks for helping me to "cut that shit out."

Gwen said...

what an amazing post. thanks for sharing. You are an awesome mom and friend. Quite apparent from reading this singular post of yours. Kudos!

Beginning Anew said...

Wow, stop rowing and see what happens...How many years have we been at this? You have grown so much it makes me ashamed of my lack of growth! Amazing observations - forge ahead! You are really onto something!

Sean Anderson said...

Thinking of you tonight. I inserted a link and quote from you in my blog.

Carla Birnberg said...

and treasured.

katie said...

Uh...WOW.
Sing it Sista.

Amazing. Wish I could give a copy of this to every teen girl everywhere.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

It is sometimes the hardest thing to spot something or someone that isn't good for us when that situation mimics what we've always known. It is a noble and difficult thing to break away from the past and those who are willing will be rewarded handsomely.
As others have noted, your growth is amazing and wonderful. There is a wealth to be shared going on over here at this blog!

Sean Anderson said...

Just thinking of you this morning--wanted to drop by and see how you're doing. Miss your words! Hope all is well. Take care!