You deserve to be seen and loved

I used to wake  up in the morning dreaming of a perfect life.
I would skim through conversations with my husband..
ignoring the glaring warning signs of a lack of respect...
I would excuse it..wish it away..
oh he's just hungry..
grumpy...
feeling terrible
etc.
I used to project feelings onto others
I projected loyalty, love and friendship where only scant evidence existed.
As the late, great maya angelou once said
When people show you who they are; believe them.
Not
When people show you who they are...ignore it and wish it away. lol.

One of the scariest parts of getting healthy is facing the myriad of shitty relationships you have developed.
If the people around you don't believe in you..
don't believe the best in you.
aren't there for you when you need them most..
but you keep giving and giving and giving..
in the vain hope that someday, all that giving will show them what a fantastic person you are..
that you are worthy of love or friendship.
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Because a real friend, or lover or family member...doesn't need you to prove anything.
They simply believe you, and in you.
IF you were raised in  a family that was a complete bag of shit...
you will have to take my word for that.
But you will never find it in people who say one thing....but then never DO what they say.
love is a verb.
It's like the boyfriend who says.
oh baby...I love you..
but never calls.
when you need to talk...he's never there.
And when you need him period..he says you are clingy.
and when he is disrespectful in his language and demeanor..
and you get upset...
you are too sensitive.
This is your classic asshole..
there is no fixing this.
he latched on to YOU...because you threw off the vibe 'needy'.
you had no boundaries..
and he knew he could use you and abuse you...and you would still try to win his affection.
Because you KNEW you had to earn love.
That is what you had been taught, and what you had accepted as your reality...
and the predator types hone in on that.
I had an epic lesson in friendship.
I won't go into details...but it involved he said/she said...
and I approached this and tried to fix things...
I was lied about..but called a liar..and I had no way to prove my veracity. A woman I had only known ONE YEAR... looked at me and said..
Chris..
I have only known you one year...but I know this.
You would not lie.
That my friends...was a friend in action.
That's what it looks like when someone bothers to stop and see you..
and this same friend had also noticed something so profound...something I thought I held secret..
I took my youngest out to dinner..
and my youngest looked at me and said..
You know mom, I have a problem..how am I ever going to give my child a better life than the one I have had...mine has been perfect.
and I cried.
and when I told my friend what sophie had said..
she said..
That was your biggest wish, and you accomplished it.
I never told her that.
she just knew.
I tell you...to be truly known by someone...man.
it's about the best feeling in the world.
Because she saw past all my sarcasm and my smart ass..
and knew deep down that my primary purpose in life was to erase..moment by moment..
my childhood..and replace it with memories of my children's childhood.
she saw in me...a person who valued her integrity..and saw in my daughter..the same.
That takes a person who cares enough to look and to see...
I go to work daily...and have a boss who sees my potential.
If you are brave enough to see where you stand...
do one thing..
stop rowing.
many times we are rowing boats in relationships.
we think we are in tandem..
but we are rowing alone...
and we are so tired...we think there must be drag.
But we stop rowing..
and the boat stops.
If you want to know the state of your relationship, whatever it may be.
Stop rowing.
If the other person picks up the oars.
You may be on to something.
If not, it's time to find a new boat.
The hardest thing about creating boundaries and watching changes in behavior as a result...is that it never really erases what you already know about the person whose behavior is changing.
You can't unknow what you know.
Because I value my integrity so highly...the knowledge that someone who purports to love you...would treat you like shit unless you say no?
um..
That doesn't strike me as love.
The healthier I get....the less bullshit I am capable of filtering.
I do believe my bullshit filter is full.
But learning to set those boundaries and demand better.
it's essential to getting well.
You will find people who love you, and see you, and value you and want to take the time to be in relationship with you...
You just have to stop putting all your energy into people who have no interest in returning the favor.
make room.
it will happen.
I will post about my trip to san antonio later in the week..
hope all is good with you!
With love,
Chris out.