5.20.2014

Fat is a self imposed prison

I Remember talking to a skinny friend once...and I said:  Don't you ever just want to eat till you get sick? She said...no?
I couldn't understand her..I thought she was lying.  Really.

I was thinking the other night, of how many things I passed up...or didn't do...because I either had no knowledge that they were 'a good thing', or that I deserved them.

I talked about actively failing...Now I want to talk about living down to expectations.
I didn't know that I didn't know...
The idea that I should expect more from a spouse, or that I had the capability to not only be thin....but I could be thin, and happy and excelling in a career while having a child and a happy home..
I didn't think to expect a nice home...
or nice furnishings.
My bar was set low.
too low...for what I now know my capabilities are..
deep down, I believed I DESERVED to be minimized...so that when it happened....it didn't even sound an alarm.
My messy house didn't ring any bells...because although I came up in a nearly spotless environment...I accepted less because deep down I couldn't see me as an organized and capable person.
Any moment of happy was diminished by the expectation of foreboding..
Because I truly believed that nothing good could come to me without the law of averages coming through to level the playing field.
So I never truly enjoyed a victory..
I never asked for more..
or expected more.
My fat was a self imposed prison....it blocked me from a world of possibility.
It was a self perpetuating reality...
I projected a version of me that ensured people didn't expect too much...because deep down, I didn't expect too much.
The only thing that has kept me in bad relationships...sub par surroundings and a less than stellar body...is me.
It was all I knew...
Below is a video about beagles...who spent their whole lives in a lab being tested.
And then one day..
these people bought these beagles and freed them...
and while many enjoyed their freedom..
there were a few who 're-crated' because all that possibility..
all that freedom..
it was just too much.
If you don't want to watch the whole thing...fast forward till about 4 minutes in I think...it's a depressing addend to the video...but it is reality.
In my book...that is the essence of regain...
You don't know what to do with all that possibility.
The idea that all this was at your fingertips...you could have had it years ago...
the idea that this could apply to other areas?!
holy shit.
Where's my box!
It's overwhelming...especially if, deep down...you still believe you deserve every shitty thing that ever happened...because you think that there is something wrong with you.
(or if life hadn't handed you additional shit...you were carrying that old, shit filled litter box around. Smelling up the place and causing everyone around you to avoid you...because your shit was stinking up the place.)
If you haven't whittled that out..
regain is inevitable...
because it was how you cut yourself off from the pain of existence and the pain of what your mind kept telling you...
You will re-crate.
you will regain...
until you learn to love and believe in yourself.
until you learn to see your possibilities..and not view yourself through the lens of broken people and situations.
You will continue to live a substandard life...unless you shred the tape...get rid of false dichotomies, expect more and believe you deserve what you work to achieve...you will continue to live in disappointment and stagnation.

You are capable of much more than you think.
I know I was...
and am...
I had a moment three days ago while riding in my car..
and I said "Ooooh Chris, what you could have done!"
Then I realized I am not dead yet.
The best bit starts now.



With  Love,
Chris out.

10 comments:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

That may be the hardest part of this thrill-ride for me: the fact that most of the folks around me don't have the same issues that I do. They don't eat if they're not hungry. They aren't tempted by the treats out on the table. They don't mindless snack throughout the day. WHY THE HELL NOT?

And "eating 'til you're sick"? How can a brain charged with our self-preservation allow that to come through as a good idea? Makes no sense.

Anyway, thanks for your support over at my place and glad to see you posting regularly again. Good luck!

Robin said...

I have had several dogs over the course of my life. The dog that we had when I was growing up would wedge herself under the toilet when she was scared. During a thunderstorm or the 4th of July it was pretty much guaranteed she would be there.

I crate trained Shelby from the time she was a puppy. She loved her crate. When she was a afraid, that was the first place she would go. As she got older, she slept in at night, but I kept the door open so she could get out.

I think the instinctive response for a dog when they are afraid or overwhelmed is to find the smallest place they can and go in it. As the fellow in the video said, they were overwhelmed and wanted to feel safe. Does that mean they will never come back out? Nope. I think they will.

However, that doesn't change your analogy. When we feel overwhelmed we reclaim the bad habits that make us feel safe. There is a reason it is called Comfort Eating. Maybe a big part of winning this thing (since we are smarter than dogs) is to know that when you feel afraid or overwhelmed whatever your bad habit is (it can be food or other things) is very likely to kick into high gear. Prepare for that by having thought of other options BEFORE you get there.

I expect that you are less likely to recrate than most. Your expectations of and for yourself have changed so much since you started this journey. Maybe the key is doing the mental work. Establishing good habits is part of it, but getting rid of the thing that is Eating You makes you Stop Eating (or overeating).

As always, trying to figure out how this applies to me and my migraines. I am sure I will sort it out eventually....

Karen said...

When I stopped eating compulsively and abstained from my trigger foods , I started knocking down my own walls.

My shrink was right, my life and my family dynamics changed the day I stopped using food Great topic!

kathyj333 said...

This post really hit hime for me. I'm working on those very issues.

Linda Pressman said...

I've said it before and now will say it again, your journey is just like a 12 step journey in its honesty and willingness to look at everything, even things that are uncomfortable, to regain your life. It isn't just weight, after all. In my program we learn that the weight is working very effectively, doing the job we want it to do, making excuses for us, limiting our choices, letting us hide. So, just like you said, when we lose weight without dealing with those fears, it's terrifying. This is an amazing post!

thatdamcat said...

A friend sent me the link to your blog earlier today and I've spent the better part of two hours reading. I feel like I've made a new friend. I love the way you write - it's raw and honest and even ... poetic. Consider me a new follower. So much of what you speak of hits so very close to home for me. Thank you.

Sean Anderson said...

Wow. You just nailed me in so many ways. This is one of those posts I will not be able to forget. Thank you for expressing yourself the way you do. I'm so glad you're back and wow, you just spoke some prophetic words... The best bit starts now.
Powerful, Christine.

Sean Anderson said...

I just wanted to stop by and say CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion. You deserve it in every way and I'm overjoyed for you.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

The beauty of your written word lends another layer to the tough subjects that you tackle. The video added so much to this post, this time around. I really liked how the man was reaching over and touching the dogs who felt insecure in such an open environment. It gave me hope that things would eventually work out for all the dogs.
This speaks to my often asked question of why I am so different from my sister who has certainly 'recrated' herself in a federal state prison. What makes two kids who grew up in the same household so different? Will it all eventually work out in the end? Which is stronger- nature or nurture?
You've got me thinking. And hoping...

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

The beauty of your message is profound. There is always more than one layer over here and it often leaves me thinking for a long time.
The video you posted also added a lot to what you have said here. I am choosing to believe that the 're-crated' dogs will eventually see that freedom is a good thing.
I think about my sister and how we grew up in the same rotten home and yet she somehow decided to invite the rot right into her adult life while I have run as far in the other direction as I can get. Like the dogs, we all react differently to our environment. But you leave me with hope that there is always a way to change- for everyone. Even maybe my sister. Hope like that is a lot and I appreciate your viewpoint.