I Remember talking to a skinny friend once...and I said: Don't you ever just want to eat till you get sick? She said...no?
I couldn't understand her..I thought she was lying. Really.
I was thinking the other night, of how many things I passed up...or didn't do...because I either had no knowledge that they were 'a good thing', or that I deserved them.
I talked about actively failing...Now I want to talk about living down to expectations.
I didn't know that I didn't know...
The idea that I should expect more from a spouse, or that I had the capability to not only be thin....but I could be thin, and happy and excelling in a career while having a child and a happy home..
I didn't think to expect a nice home...
or nice furnishings.
My bar was set low.
too low...for what I now know my capabilities are..
deep down, I believed I DESERVED to be minimized...so that when it happened....it didn't even sound an alarm.
My messy house didn't ring any bells...because although I came up in a nearly spotless environment...I accepted less because deep down I couldn't see me as an organized and capable person.
Any moment of happy was diminished by the expectation of foreboding..
Because I truly believed that nothing good could come to me without the law of averages coming through to level the playing field.
So I never truly enjoyed a victory..
I never asked for more..
or expected more.
My fat was a self imposed prison....it blocked me from a world of possibility.
It was a self perpetuating reality...
I projected a version of me that ensured people didn't expect too much...because deep down, I didn't expect too much.
The only thing that has kept me in bad relationships...sub par surroundings and a less than stellar body...is me.
It was all I knew...
Below is a video about beagles...who spent their whole lives in a lab being tested.
And then one day..
these people bought these beagles and freed them...
and while many enjoyed their freedom..
there were a few who 're-crated' because all that possibility..
all that freedom..
it was just too much.
If you don't want to watch the whole thing...fast forward till about 4 minutes in I think...it's a depressing addend to the video...but it is reality.
In my book...that is the essence of regain...
You don't know what to do with all that possibility.
The idea that all this was at your fingertips...you could have had it years ago...
the idea that this could apply to other areas?!
Where's my box!
It's overwhelming...especially if, deep down...you still believe you deserve every shitty thing that ever happened...because you think that there is something wrong with you.
(or if life hadn't handed you additional shit...you were carrying that old, shit filled litter box around. Smelling up the place and causing everyone around you to avoid you...because your shit was stinking up the place.)
If you haven't whittled that out..
regain is inevitable...
because it was how you cut yourself off from the pain of existence and the pain of what your mind kept telling you...
You will re-crate.
you will regain...
until you learn to love and believe in yourself.
until you learn to see your possibilities..and not view yourself through the lens of broken people and situations.
You will continue to live a substandard life...unless you shred the tape...get rid of false dichotomies, expect more and believe you deserve what you work to achieve...you will continue to live in disappointment and stagnation.
You are capable of much more than you think.
I know I was...
I had a moment three days ago while riding in my car..
and I said "Ooooh Chris, what you could have done!"
Then I realized I am not dead yet.
The best bit starts now.