6.24.2014

fighting to get even

Hello guys..
two blogs in days..
yup..some kind of record.
I am writing this because a blog buddy and good friend (Deb) made a comment that was dead on when it comes to my last post, and where I am in life right now.


I fought to level.


I fought to even ground.


All my life I have been in a deficit.
When I lost weight...
I wanted to skip the rest of it..
I wanted to believe I had done all I needed to do..even though I knew I hadn't.
It took me 20 some odd years to come to grips with my eating problems..
Finding out I had more shit under there was discouraging.
I just wanted to be better!
When I got down to a weight where men were noticing me..
it scared the shit out of me.
so badly I nearly fainted.
That was when I knew I couldn't ignore it...or act my way better.
I had to fix it.
So I took self defense classes.
Then I knew my marriage wasn't what it should be...
because even though my husband was better towards me because I lost weight.
he was better towards me because I lost weight.
The solving of the problem created a problem.
One I couldn't ignore...and it began to expose other problems....that I couldn't ignore.
Any person who has lost a significant amount of weight...
and was using that weight to solve emotional issues,...
will have one hell of a surprise waiting at the end of their rainbow.
YOu don't get in that kind of predicament without living with a seriously faulty set of beliefs....about yourself, relationships, life and everything in it.
When you begin to correct how you see yourself, long term?
yeah...
When you no longer lose weight from self hatred..
and begin to have faith in yourself..
Your mindset will shift...and will no longer align with the people in your life.
Remember, those people were attracted to a person covering their pain with food....
or a person who had no boundaries.
or a person that wanted love so badly, they would accept even the chimera of it...a shadow.
and either they will change, you will change back...or one of you will have to leave.
IT is rare for both people to change.
It is nigh on a miracle.
Your weight loss is going to expose every crack in the dam.
This is why weightloss fails.
major weightloss.
Because ripping apart your whole life wasn't the deal...fitting in a bikini was the deal.
But your health is bigger than clothing...


all my life I have felt less than...
I had to tear it all down and fight like hell to get to a healthy even.
to even begin to build.
I spent three years fighting the notion that I still had to fight.
I was tired of it.
But I remained steady long enough..
when I got tired..I held steady..
gave it a rest.
YOu don't have to keep pushing all the time.
If it is a long ass battle...
sit down for a month or two and hold your ground.
Or hell, like me...a year here, or a year there.
take note of where you were and where you are headed.
And then move forward.
I tell you...
one day you will reach daylight.
and you will find.
fighting from even ground feels like fighting from high ground when you are so used to being in a hole.
fighting for so long teaches you how to fight.
teaches you patience.
I am ten times stronger for it.
So keep fighting.
It may not be fair that you have to fight so hard...when others came out the shoot even.
but like a bone that fractures and heals..fractures and heals..
you become nearly unbreakable.
Chris out.





12 comments:

MargieAnne said...

Well said.

Blessings

Deniz said...

Nietzsche got it spot on when he said "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger"
That strength shines through in you Chris. Heck, you're quite some lady.

Deb Willbefree said...

Chris,

This is one of the most profound posts I have ever read.

I mean that.

As I read, I'd highlight a line to copy here...then copy over it with the next amazing insight. I had to quit highlighting. :}

Out of the many, many--really, many--nuggets in this post, this is the one that is like a little flashing beacon for me:

"...you no longer lose weight from self hatred..."

I had an "and there it is" moment when I read that. Stunning.

There is so many other insights I want to mention, but I'd end up pasting most of your post here.

Just let me say, This post is full of treasure. I'm going to reread.

Thank you, Chris.

And, yes, level is a breath of relief. Indeed it is. So much easier to see when the dirt is under your feet rather than in your face.

Deb

And thank you for the kind word. :)

Sean Anderson said...

It's as if you climbed into my head and extracted the truths of my existence. Thank you. Your incredible talent to impeccably articulate some of the most difficult dynamics along this road is just... incredible, Christine.

Kimberlynn @ mindingmyway.blogspot.com said...

Chris...you are the first blog I've ever read (and I've read a lot) where I think...she's got it...she has done the work!!! THANK YOU!!!

I am at a place where I get everything you're saying...it's not about the bikini. It's about all the other junk going on inside. And I'm ready to do the work, but I feel overwhelmed and I wonder...how did you go about "ripping it all apart"? What did that really look like on a day to day basis?

kathyj333 said...

All I can say is Amen.

Robin said...

This is going to be a rather long comment. I am apologizing in advance.

First, I wanted to tell you that I was chatting with a friend on FB via the IM feature when she said something that made me think of your previous post. So, I slipped over here and linked it so that she could read it. And she said something like, "OMG. I just started reading and had to come back and say this is like hearing my own thoughts aloud."

And I know just what she meant because I feel that way ALL THE TIME when I read this blog.

I read this one three times. The last time I inserted either migraines or recovery from migraines for weight loss and it was like reading my life. And I know that it is a big part of why I still have migraines. Every time I make strides toward migraine elimination another crack in the structure that is my life breaks open and the flood is more than I can bear.

As I get healthier I realize that all of the people around me are damaged, without boundaries, toxic... and I can't have that or them in my life. And it feels lonely and disheartening and it makes me irritable and snappish and migrainey.

And yet each time I make the better decision and choose to expel these people from my life I am better for it. It hurts like hell. And it has taken years. I move forward, become overwhelmed, and sometimes spend years just standing still. The battle has been long and I am beyond tired.

Yet I am better than I was when I started blogging in 2010. I read this Shit (pardon my language) and think to myself, "That girl was crazier than hell." OMG, that girl was ME. And I can see that I have come a long way and I am thankful for this blog. Thankful that I was honest and open and real so that I could appreciate the distance traveled.

I can't see daylight yet. I hover in the darkness at the edge of the treeline terrified of moving at all. But I am here. And not THERE. And the ground isn't as sloped as it was. I think I am gaining ground on even. And I am sure it will feel like High Ground when I get there.

Unbreakable. As someone who has spent the last eleven years breaking and building, breaking and building, and so on... that sounds really good.

Robin said...

How would you feel if I published this in whole or part on my blog? Of course, I would credit you...

Christine said...

That's fine robin. It's hard. Hang in there....

Retta said...

Wow. So much of this hit home.

I remember when I "really" finally got started about 6 years ago, and how it was different that time. My husband was always supportive of me to "lose weight" but not CHANGE. How do I know? Because THIS time he was upset when I really started changing. It affected HIM. And he didn't like it!

I remember distinctly thinking I was fighting for my life, and I had to either do it or not. If I did it, I had to accept what came with it, and that he might not come along for the ride this time. But I had to. I just could no longer stand being the same.

Anyway, thank you. Like others have said, you have an amazing way of putting into words what many of us feel, and can't say. Or don't even REALIZE we feel it until we read it here, and find ourselves nodding yes!!

DiscConnected said...

I found this post from Robin's Your Daily Dose blog.

Congratulations. Not for the weight loss, although that is a remarkable achievement as well.

You have learned what, in my observation, most people do not during their entire life.

Your feeling of self-worth should not come from other people-it should come from within.

It amazes me how so many people base every action in their life on what someone else will think.

A sure recipe for failure.

The lift you get when you fit into that smaller size dress is a nice bonus, as are the second glances from men you catch when they think you don't notice, but the incredible power you have found by not letting the rest of the world dictate your actions is the best gift you could have given yourself.

Sorry for the long-winded comment-I guess I could have just said "great post."

Larry

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

And this is why I always come back and read every single post you write, even if it takes me a while to get to it....
I feel like there's not many people who get how I feel. But you get it, big time. And the way that you are able to articulate that is so great for so many of us who have felt alone for so long.
And even when things have finally gotten better in many ways it still helps to acknowledge where we came from and why and have someone just cut to the chase and share that feeling without the sorrow, but instead with so much hope.