3.14.2014

fat is the symptom-love is the cure

I would say the majority of morbidly obese people are that way because they are dealing with serious shit.
And instead of drinking, or doing drugs...they eat.

Why would I eat instead of deal with my life?

It was easier.

there...I said it.
It is EASIER.
not in the long run of course..

But in the short run....you bet your ass.

For me, food did indeed taste better than thin felt.
I am one of those unfortunate (or fortunate) women who does not give a shit if a man thinks my ass is wide.
Don't like it, lump it.

Well, that just left ME to care.
and I didn't.
Not for the longest time.
I cared about getting through each day.
Because I was miserable without knowing I was miserable.
YOu may think that is an impossibility..
But all my life,  my mentality was "Life is tough....no one wants to hear you bitch...so suck it up."
So I did.
I learned to effectively mask all my feelings by eating them.
It started around the age of twelve and continued til about five years ago.
Until I stopped eating them....
I thought I was a very even keeled person.
Water off a duck's back and all that.
lolololol..
When I stopped eating..
I started noticing things.
Things like how my husband talked to me.
(keep in mind my husband is a sober alcoholic...and how he talked to me is undoubtedly how he talks to himself in his own mind.)
How I spoke to myself in my own mind.
How others looked at and treated me because of my size.

The day I looked up and really saw myself at build a bear...
it was like waking up from a coma.
That awakening was not magic..
It was a long process.
A process which began at a karate class.
I know...it's labyrinthine...this story of mine.
But I am an examiner by nature..
I need the whys and hows....it is how I am made.
but back to awakening.
I had thought, up to that point...til the age of 35...that I was merely philosophical about my childhood...
And when I stopped eating..
and stopped masking..
I felt this weird pressure in my chest that kept growing and growing.
and growing.
And It was rage
sorry..
IT WAS RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE.

up till that point..
I had lived with a low level depression that I masked with apathy and eating.
and Not Thinking About It.

Once I confronted the state my body was in...270 pounds on a 5'3 frame...and the state my mind was in....and I would lay awake at night reliving parts of my childhood while trying to sleep...
...the rage would grow...
And I threw myself into weight loss.
I used the rage to my advantage...
And it really propelled me down the scale.

Then, at around 156 pounds (a weight I maintained through high school, something to think about later I suppose)
I hit a new emotion.
FEAR.
I was also molested by my stepfather's father.
he touched me inappropriately.
And I never told anyone until I was 19.
He called me his 'petite princess" and  would try and tickle me and put me on his lap..
and then one night...he laid down next to me and touched me.
and I rolled over and he left.
And I never went near him again.
But it colored the way I saw my body.
I felt dirty.
Every man I had met until I was 15 had been abusive, or perverted.
I hated men.
except my brother.
which was my saving grace..
In the time since...I have met men who aren't abusive.
Who are very good men...
My mom's fourth husband is a good man.
preachers and so fourth..
and my husband...while struggling with his own issues..is at his core, a good man..
so back to the fear.
The readers who have been here a while remember my fainting goat post.
A man tried to flirt with me at the mall..
and I was so afraid, I had to sit down before I fell out.
I was afraid to be 'petite'....or vulnerable.
There are a lot of reasons why I chose food.
It's easy,
IT's available.
IT doesn't judge.
It is legal.
and it worked.
But it kept me from feeling...and that is no way to go through life.
IT kept me from confronting the people who needed to be confronted, facing the issues in my mind that needed to be faced...It kept me dead inside.
Waking up from that was like the feeling your hand gets when you lie on it all night, and you have cut off your blood supply.
It is painful.
It can feel easier to revert.
or bury it in shit..
or spray some garden fresh spray.
or whatever euphemism makes it easier to live a lie than face a hard truth.

who wants to live a lie?
not me.

These last six months...the last of my fantasy land wishes were stripped away..
And everything I had hoped would be true about me if faced with bad circumstances..
I found to be true.
There is Nothing like a real trial by fire to show you who you are..
And If I hadn't been doing what I had been for the last 5 years..
I never would have been ready for the last six months.
And who knows...maybe six months ago never would have happened, If I hadn't become who I have become?
so it goes....
in any case:
I have become so solid in the knowledge of who I am..and what I am capable of...that I was able to find my feet in short order.
even as I have remained overweight...
I lay in bed one night a few months back, and accepted every pound on my body...not as some symbol of failure..
but as an acknowledgement that I am here...and the space I occupy and my body
is mine..
mine to cherish or abuse.
Mine.
I own it...all of it.
And I love it and am grateful for it..
old, overweight, stretched out....one weak knee..
I am here.
I love my body...it has carried me through.
Now I want to show myself what I am capable of..
I want to feel energetic and full of possibility.
And that means keeping my body in good shape.
For me.
God willing, I have a full life to live..people to meet and enjoy..
a world to see.
So why would I allow my body to be hindered.
when there is so much to do?
I have eaten under 1800 this whole week...
and exercised every day..
next week I will up my exercise and take another 100 calories off the plate...
not because I am disgusted with myself..
But because I have a goal to reach and things to do.
Anger will propel you.
Love will free you.
Chris out.



6 comments:

Robin said...

Now that you have pointed it out, I constantly think of how similar Overeating is to Migraines. It is a defense mechanism to NOT THINK about the hurts.

I just hit the part of this post when you start with Build A Bear, and I got up to get more coffee. As I poured it, I thought I should tell Christine that in this book on Mind Body Syndrome I am reading it says that the most common emotion that migraine sufferers have is Repressed Rage.

So, when I got to the bottom of that paragraph and it was RAGE. RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE. I thought, "Yep. There it is."

I don't know if reading this book will move you along faster in your journey, but I don't think it could possibly hurt. It might hold any missing puzzle pieces that you've left behind as you battled through this alone.

The book is called Unlearn Your Pain by Michael Schubiner, M.D. It contains worksheets inside it and CD, which is very helpful. Dr. John Sarno has also written several books on Mind Body Syndrome and might be worth reading, too. I don't think he has work sheets, though, geared to help each person cast off their pain. So, I'd start with the first and get the others from the library if you want to learn more.

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, thank you for this post. You're ready when you're ready and you do the work you can do when you can do it. No regrets because all the days you spend learning this and becoming yourself are worth it. I've always been amazed how much your self-directed program resembles a 12-step in the way that you examine painful realities squarely and honestly, changing yourself from the inside out while doing so. Thanks again.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

So much good in these last few posts. I don't have much to add and yet I feel it's important to let you know that people are still getting so much out of reading what you have to say.

Beginning Anew said...

I just saw this. I'm always glad to see you have posted a new one...rock on!

mail4rosey said...

I see all of the hard work really paying off (pics on the sidebar). You look great, and very healthy! I'm visiting today from Robin's place (Daily Dose). She's talking good about you, in case you hadn't heard. ;)

Jolynne Bockman said...
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