The last five years has been quite a journey of self discovery...
So many things I thought were true, weren't.
What I thought I wanted in my marriage, I don't.
How i want to live out my remaining years is a much more adventurous proposition...
I had to tear down my chicken coop...
And when I got to the floor boards...
I realized they had been laid by another mind...
They had been laid by an abusive childhood...
By expectations of society.
In some cases, even religious interpretation.
I wandered around in the 140's wondering where my motivation to be skinny was...
Then I realized i don't care if I am skinny...I just want to be healthy.
Then there came the argument with my husband..
And the realization that while he may have married to acquire a mother and a maid..I had no interest in applying for that position...
Does the house need to be cleaned?
Is there some biological imperative that the person doing the cleaning sport a vagina?
Once I work full time...like my spouse, the house work will be divided up evenly.
I realized tonight that what I have wanted , and still want..is not a fatherly scold who occasionally gropes me..I want a friend to walk through life with..a person who sees me as a partner..not a glorified maid. This is not negotiable.
That being said..I have taken a good hard look at me.
My weight loss stagnation was a direct result of fear...sitting here, I realize the fear is gone.
I believe in me.
I believe I have great qualities to bring to any job and relationship...I have an open mind and know my weaknesses...I know what I want to work on...I have no fear of men...i deal with them daily...flirty men, rude men, homeless men...
Heck..I even had a man slide me a card offering sex.
I was able to calmly slide it under my register and continue to check his groceries, then calmly hand the card to my manager..and we all had a good chuckle.
I am whole...
I still remember the moment i no longer felt adrift outside my body..about a year into my weight loss journey...a feeling that I had had since I was small...it was not "me" at all, but a product of the trauma I experienced and carried and ate.
Even as I healed, there was a piece missing..deep down I wondered.."am I capable of supporting myself?"
Now I know I am. Am I in the position I want to be money wise?
But I have no doubt that with persistence, I will achieve my financial goals..I have started my own checking and savings...I am creating my own footprint in this world.
I have goals, dreams and aspirations.
My savings is for my first trip abroad...which will be Greece and Spain and Italy..it will take me a year or two, but I will get there..I am evaluating every activity?including self defense...and measuring the cost vs. the happiness and fulfillment it gives..
I feel whole within myself.
Comfortable in my skin..and steady.
I made time for exercise today..and will do so again tomorrow..
I hope all of you are doing well.