3.06.2014

I like myself

The last five years has been quite a journey of self discovery...
So many things I thought were true, weren't.
What I thought I wanted in my marriage, I don't.
How i want to live out my remaining years is a much more adventurous proposition...

I had to tear down my chicken coop...
And when I got to the floor boards...
I realized they had been laid by another mind...
They had been laid by an abusive childhood...
By expectations of society.
In some cases, even religious interpretation.

I wandered around in the 140's wondering where my motivation to be skinny was...
Then I realized i don't care if I am skinny...I just want to be healthy.
Then there came the argument with my husband..
And the realization that while he may have married to acquire a mother and a maid..I had no interest in applying for that position...
Does the house need to be cleaned?
Yes.
Is there some biological imperative that the person doing the cleaning sport a vagina?

No.

Once I work full time...like my spouse, the house work will be divided up evenly.
I realized tonight that what I have wanted , and still want..is not a fatherly scold who occasionally gropes me..I want a friend to walk through life with..a person who sees me as a partner..not a glorified maid. This is not negotiable.

That being said..I have taken a good hard look at me.
My weight loss stagnation was a direct result of fear...sitting here, I realize the fear is gone.
I believe in me.
I believe I have great qualities to bring to any job and relationship...I have an open mind and know my weaknesses...I know what I want to work on...I have no fear of men...i deal with them daily...flirty men, rude men, homeless men...
Heck..I even had a man slide me a card offering sex.
I was able to calmly slide it under my register and continue to check his groceries, then calmly hand the card to my manager..and we all had a good chuckle.

I am whole...
I still remember the moment i no longer felt adrift outside my body..about a year into my weight loss journey...a feeling that I had had since I was small...it was not "me" at all, but a product of the trauma I experienced and carried and ate.
Even as I healed, there was a piece missing..deep down I wondered.."am I capable of supporting myself?"
Now I know I am.  Am I in the position I want to be money wise?
No.
 But I have no doubt that with persistence, I will achieve my financial goals..I have started my own checking and savings...I am creating my own footprint in this world.
I have goals, dreams and aspirations.
My savings is for my first trip abroad...which will be Greece and Spain and Italy..it will take me a year or two, but I will get there..I am evaluating every activity?including self defense...and measuring the cost vs. the happiness and fulfillment it gives..
I feel whole within myself.
Comfortable in my skin..and steady.
I made time for exercise today..and will do so again tomorrow..
I hope all of you are doing well.

With love,
Chris.




6 comments:

downsizers said...

Thank you for this. My battle is a renewed one today. I have what my niece put into words today about her battle on my blog. She writes very well and is suffering over yet another setback. I am so glad all of us are here for each other. We never know how our words can help someone else and how they can help us go on. Take care.

Carla Birnberg said...

I AM WHOLE.
<3 <3 <3

Robin said...

Yes, we are the same. Your eating. My migraines. Two different sides of the same coin. I have been trying to say that for years. Funny how you nailed it in one sentence.

It's only when you know these things about yourself that you feel good enough to go out there and get what you want. I am so glad that you are there. I am running to catch up to you!!!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

While classic coping mechanisms have their place in keeping a safe for a while, it is so much more fulfilling to be real with ourselves and the world around us. Meeting yourself for who you are and what you truly believe is a wonderful thing. Enjoy this part of your journey- the best is yet to come!

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Here's to all us AWEsum women!
(((hugs)))

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, it just goes to show that we don't always know where our journey is going to take us. I think a lot of people stagnate on their weight loss journey when they realize that they're at the point where they have to start questioning their relationships and that the fat may have been hiding dissatisfaction within those relationships. In 12 step rooms we normally say that there's something the weight was doing for you and that even if you both "hated" the weight, in some odd way, it worked. I know I've had to look at some hard facts with my husband and my relationship and whether I'm supposed to be the nitwit who spends too much, and he enables that. It's amazing how the fear withers away when we shine a light on it.