Why i actively failed...

Okay...that is quite a title.
I went to college, but didn't finish...I had many reasons..
But mostly, looking back, I feared success...I didn't know who I would be as a career woman.

I had no model for that...I had a 3.98 gpa...in paralegal training...I aced constitutional law...
But I would talk to my mom on the phone using four letter words...and the word ain't...(which I personally find abhorrent, just ask my children.)

The year we bought our home, I had taken pictures...it was a home with a foundation....I grew up in a trailer..my mom now lives in a manufactured home...on a foundation.  I knew she had worked her whole life to achieve what she achieved..and I felt like I had walked into mine...I brought the pictures with me to Michigan, but left them in my car...two days into my visit, my mom asked me where they were...so I told her why I hadn't brought them in...she was flabbergasted...

When I was losing weight and succeeding,  I didn't want to look like a show off...I wanted my friends who were concerned about their weight to lose weight too...I didn't feel comfortable succeeding where others were not...

I was simultaneously excited by the positive attention, and afraid I couldn't handle it...It also began to highlight the faults in my relationship with my husband..

I have chosen mediocrity and stagnation...some success was good...but not enough to upend the boat, not enough to cause stress or anxiety...and certainly not enough for people to place their faith or trust in me.  I felt I was a sham...that any success I had was luck...deep down, I even had doubts about the weight loss...I always described it as some magical flip of a switch...when what it was, was me deciding I was too good of a person to be judged solely on the basis of weight...

And if my husband had not looked me dead in the eye and told me that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth...and had I not had the fleeting thought.."Who in the hell does he think he is talking to?"  I never would have had the impetus to go out and obtain employment...



In our culture...women are still expected to be accommodate others, to be nurturers...that is fine, as far as it goes...for children, the down trodden...the mentally incompetent..I spent my childhood feeling like I had to apologize for my existence, and half my adult life trying to prove to one person in particular that I was lovable...there is a meme on facebook..it says, if you are constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value...
Except I never knew my value...I have found my value...it is discoverable..you just have to look at your gifts and what you bring..and instead of diminishing them...or viewing them through the distorted lens of a broken and shrivelled mirror (the damaged people in your life) view them through the lens of love (God for me).

To move forward doesn't mean denying who you were, or belittling where you came from...it means that you took the pain and the reality, processed it and instead of allowing it to sublimate and stymie your future, you use it as the lesson it was intended to be....and it becomes another step in your ascension and growth towards all you were meant to become.

I failed because I believed that was all I was worth or could/should hope for.

Now I know better.
When you know better, you do better.
Chris out.


My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Thanks for sharing.

It took me many more years than yourself to learn what you now know.

Robin said...

If you are constantly trying to prove your worth, you have forgotten your value.

When we another's assessment that we are less or not good enough, that becomes the truth. Setting aside that truth for a different truth can be a long road. I am so glad that you were far enough down the road to your own self-discovery that your husband's words inspired you to show your value rather than buy into that stinkin' thinkin'.

Jill A said...

I was in my usual slouched-over, hand on my chin, blog-reading position while I read the first part of your post, until I got to "I HAVE ALLOWED MY OWN DIMINISHMENT FOR THE COMFORT AND BENEFIT OF OTHERS...


I sat straight up in my chair. I can identify with this and I am also saying "NO MORE". Thanks so much for putting yourself and your experience out here for us. I rarely comment but I always read, and I always appreciate what you have to say.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

You have done the hard work and you have earned your way to much success. I have been wondering lately about what the difference is between people who have earned success while being supported by loved ones along the way and those who had to go it alone. It is something that crosses my mind a fair amount these days. I think it takes a lot of extra work to get through the haze of crummy patterns and then allow ourselves to be what we are meant to be.
I recall a time when I had lost the weight (thanks in no small part to reading this blog :)) that if I knew I would be seeing someone that I hadn't seen in a long time, I would wish that I could just put the weight back on so no one would pay too much attention to me. I have hated being the center of attention for so long because it meant bad things were about to happen. I can honestly say that I have finally gotten over that and many other things that were irrational feelings based on crazy past experiences. They no longer rule who I am and I am free to live as I am meant to.
Keep sharing your insights. They are truly invaluable!

bbubblyb said...

A few years ago at my TOPS convention the King read this and tears started to roll down my face.

"Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

I remember you calling me a good egg :) you too are a good egg Chris and you definitely deserve to shine. What I have found during these past several years is that I needed to start surrounding myself with people that built me up not tore me down. I also found as I grew emotionally my loved ones also grew. I look forward to seeing the newly awakened Chris :) *hugs*

Mom In Training Wheels said...

Wow! Great post. Couldn't have said it better.

kathyj333 said...

My God, do I ever identify with this post! I have actively failed in my life for the very same reasoning. Thank you for letting me see that I am not alone.

I am working hard using self hypnosis to change my internal script from being my own worst enemy to being my own best friend.

Thank you again for this post.