passion>spiritual death

Hello all,
back from the silence.
Not because I was in a bad place..
I was incredibly busy...
working 25 hours a week..making sure I get my daily exercise...however small..
and working on making my (now departed to the airforce) daughter's old room into my new art room.

Speaking of Art...
I believe I talked about how I was dead inside.
And didn't realize it.
And then one day I did.
This was before I realized I was morbidly obese..
by a year or two.
And my husband had deployed again to Iraq.
And I was worn out..
fatter than ever.
I took up crocheting..thinking that If I kept my hands busy..I would stop eating.
That was a bad year.
It was the year my husband deployed for the fourth time..
which was preceded by a miscarriage..
a miscarriage that was preceded by finding out my oldest brother had a terminally progressive illness.
My marriage was bad.
My life was devoid of fun.
My oldest was becoming disrespectful and unruly..
I didn't have the energy to even correct her...let alone enjoy her.
And I saw a commercial for The defense institute.
It promised to teach my child to defend herself...it wasn't a martial arts school...it was a self defense school.
Their motto.
IF you want art, buy a brush.
Which, of course, caught my attention.
So I enrolled her.
It saved my sanity.
Three days a week I would take Kate after school.
Her teacher was loud...and happy and upbeat and positive..
he irritated me a little.
But still...
I would sit and crochet.
She would run in circles..
and any time she exhibited the signs of disrespect towards Eric...her sensei...
he would call her on it..
"mom" he would yell...
"Yes."  I would say.
"Does she do this at home?"
Yes,  I would say...
he said "If she does it again, You tell me, and when she gets here...she can do pushups till she corrects her attitude."
The first time he said that, I felt a ton of weight lift off my shoulders.
He no longer irritated me. LOL.

I can't tell you how many times during that year I utilized the threat..
"Don't make me tell Eric."
She hated Eric.
But she didn't hate me.

Then Kate told me she didn't want me sitting through her classes...so I would drive around for 45 minutes till she got done.
one day...as I was driving up and down academy blvd with sophie in the back screaming her head off...I thought..."this isn't a life, it's a life sentence"..
I finally realized the depths of my unhappiness.
I sat trying to figure out the last time I was happy?

...The next class I sat through..
 I tried to figure out what Eric had that I didn't.
He seemed to be full of energy..
brimming over...always upbeat.
Then I realized that he had passion.
He loved what he was doing.
He believed in what he was doing.
and that propelled him through life.
It made people want to listen.
To be like him.
And then I looked at me.
And thought...when was the last time I was passionate about anything.
And it was in high school art class.
Then I realized that I didn't know what I liked.
What music.
I didn't listen to it anymore.
I didn't draw anymore.
I had no real friends.
my world had become a small circle of people who I never told anything to...I revealed nothing.
I admitted nothing.
I felt nothing.
Deep down, my thoughts were: "my life is over, I am here to facilitate the dreams of my children and my husband."
yeah.
wow, right?

It was there in the middle of a self defense class for kids that I finally saw my spiritual state.
If I hadn't seen it and started to correct it..
I never would have been able to begin to fix my physical state.
All real change happens from the inside out.
So I knew..
I had to know at least one thing about myself.
So I picked  'what is my favorite color?'
And it took a while...
but it's swimming pool blue.
And so, one day...I painted my bedroom swimming pool blue.
My husband still thinks it was accidental.
but it wasn't.
It was me.

That was the beginning.

With Love,
Chris