3.02.2010

It's a new day...

HI all,
Well, this weight loss stuff isn't for the faint of heart ba dum bump...humor is how I cope.
anywhoo.
I am calling the defense institute tomorrow to try a free class in kickboxing...I will do this class within the next week.
Come hell or high water.
That will get me there, then I will inquire about the street self defense program.
Linda Pressman made the most cogent point after my post yesterday.
It isn't that I wanted to knock the guy on his rear...I think If I FELT I could handle anything...or just about anything...that the irrational response I had either wouldn't occur, or wouldn't be as potent.
Most importantly and most tellingly...When it came down to feeling threatened, I froze.
I didn't say "get your slimy paws off me".
I didn't say something witty or biting...heck I didn't even move my hand.
I froze.
You always see these things on the news where a full grown woman gets beaten or kidnapped and she just freezes.
I think a part of me knew that is what I would do when under duress...
Which is why it was so upsetting...this seeming inability to talk or move when confronted with an unforeseen event.
Like when I miscarried.
I didn't talk about it for the longest time...and when I tried it just came out all stilted.
Linda described my feelings in her comment better than I could.
I want to feel safe as an attractive woman so I don't get so uncomfortable that I put my layers back on.
Yes...
that's it.
But to do that I have to go to a class where I am manhandled by a large man who I will then have to kick in the groin, punch in the face and physically assault.
I think it will be good for me.
I am not unable to interact with men who have no interest in me...I find I am unable to interact with men who do...except for my husband..
Which is probably a good thing. But fainting or nearly doing so...is a bad thing.
I need to be able to respond.
Coherently.
Like the intelligent and rational person that I AM.
I have come a long way.
I am proud of myself for getting this far.
I knew it would be hard when I started.
I have lost weight before.
And put it right back on...
Everyone's past affects them in some ways.
For some, it affects how they deal with their kids.
For some, it affects their ability to love.
For me, it affected my ability to have a healthy and whole body.
I think every part of this fight is worth sharing.
I know there are people out there with a hurdle that is similar.
Or there wouldn't be so many morbidly obese people.
Or so many tightly wound people.
Or alcoholics, drug addicts or people who are afraid to let go of their death grip on every single aspect of their existence.
There wouldn't be women who look for love through one night stands.
I am not alone in my anxiety.
I will not let it ruin everything I worked for.
I will beat it...
and Linda, I would love to hear about positive meditation and what you did to overcome your headaches.
I think it might help.
So, I did 4 mile walk today and ate 1345 calories.
I also hung out with a friend I knew from high school.
We had a great time.
Hope you are all having  a good night.
Hugs to you,
Chris

14 comments:

Kim said...

When you were naming the ways that our pasts can affect us, I was thinking "Good Golly, I've done all of those things!" lol...hmm..I probably shouldn't be laughing at that, but I guess it's just b/c I've come so far from where I was...when I look at the way I treated myself, it seems like I'm looking at someone else's life.
Your strength and the amount of thought you put into conquering these thought processes...and the way you truck on..it's like a tall drink of water to this newbie. You're awesome and you will beat this stuff. :) Oh, I replied to your comment on my blog btw.

Linda Pressman said...

Hey Chris,
Glad I could help. For obsessive or negative thoughts I learned this technique called "thought stopping" where everytime the negative thought came into my mind I switched to one a few positive images I had at the ready (wedding day, perfect memory, new baby) and clicked over like a picture.

I forgot where I learned the "revulstion" technique but I remember using it to get over some guy when I was single. If you're thinking about someone/thing too much, you boil it down in your mind to its essence - my exboyfriend happened to be a grown up who had a bad temper, so I imagined him as a big baby having a temper tantrum. It took all the power out of the pain.

The headaches were a little trickier. My doctor wanted to do biofeedback but I thought I could do it on my own and I was right. When I got a headache first I told myself that I didn't have a headache. I know that sounds dumb but it's amazing what the mind can do. Then, if it persisted, I'd tell myself I'd think about taking something for it if I still had it in a half hour. Normally I'd only remember the headache hours later.

I had headaches for 8 years following my brain tumor. When I stopped treating them and being afraid of the pain, I stopped having them. It was pretty amazing.

Rettakat said...

I think the things you are talking about will be the key this time. You lost weight before, yet still had this fear. This time you are conquering it, and there will be no inner need to put back on any layers. Powerful stuff. Stuff of the highest priority. I am glad for you.
Loretta
=^..^=

Miz said...

such powerful thoughts, musings, and bravery in laying it all bare for us.

YOU CAN DO THIS.
You are doing this...the hardest work of looking inside and figuring out the WHY.

Miz

Melissa said...

You totally will tackle this fear. I know that you will.

anne h said...

By describing it so well, you are already half way there! What a good writer you are.

Helen said...

One thing I know, from experience, is that martial arts will give you confidence. In fact, you may end up feeling invincible! Which sounds exactly like the medicine you need.

Sandra said...

I agree with what Linda says - the mind is a powerful thing and you can preprogram with positive images/thoughts and release the negative ones.
The self defense class will increase your confidence 100 fold and you will strutt your stuff with pride.
You will conquer this fear.

Amber said...

Taking one of those classes may help with the anxiety.
Working through it mentally like you are will do a ton to help to.

You can do this, you will!
I bet by this summer you'll be able to take a good looking man flirting with you with little to no anxiety at all.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I look forward to hearing about your experiences with the class. All women should be confident that they can defend themselves. What a positive step. Will you be taking your daughter with you? She might enjoy and learn from it as well.

Tara said...

Great Post...

Self defense class will be great. But don't kick someone in the groin for trying to sell you sea salts/lotions. That would be bad for business.

outdoor.mom said...

that self defense class sounds sooo cool! very fun :-) isn't it funny how we have to LEARN to interact with people who find us attractive?! Kinda like learning the teenage facts of life at 40! Just a part that never had the chance to develop - arugh!?!!?

Tammy said...

You're right. We all have obstacles and fears to overcome. Thanks for putting yours out there...it makes the rest of us feel not so alone. :)

Fiona said...

((hugs))