Well, this weight loss stuff isn't for the faint of heart ba dum bump...humor is how I cope.
I am calling the defense institute tomorrow to try a free class in kickboxing...I will do this class within the next week.
Come hell or high water.
That will get me there, then I will inquire about the street self defense program.
Linda Pressman made the most cogent point after my post yesterday.
It isn't that I wanted to knock the guy on his rear...I think If I FELT I could handle anything...or just about anything...that the irrational response I had either wouldn't occur, or wouldn't be as potent.
Most importantly and most tellingly...When it came down to feeling threatened, I froze.
I didn't say "get your slimy paws off me".
I didn't say something witty or biting...heck I didn't even move my hand.
You always see these things on the news where a full grown woman gets beaten or kidnapped and she just freezes.
I think a part of me knew that is what I would do when under duress...
Which is why it was so upsetting...this seeming inability to talk or move when confronted with an unforeseen event.
Like when I miscarried.
I didn't talk about it for the longest time...and when I tried it just came out all stilted.
Linda described my feelings in her comment better than I could.
I want to feel safe as an attractive woman so I don't get so uncomfortable that I put my layers back on.
But to do that I have to go to a class where I am manhandled by a large man who I will then have to kick in the groin, punch in the face and physically assault.
I think it will be good for me.
I am not unable to interact with men who have no interest in me...I find I am unable to interact with men who do...except for my husband..
Which is probably a good thing. But fainting or nearly doing so...is a bad thing.
I need to be able to respond.
Like the intelligent and rational person that I AM.
I have come a long way.
I am proud of myself for getting this far.
I knew it would be hard when I started.
I have lost weight before.
And put it right back on...
Everyone's past affects them in some ways.
For some, it affects how they deal with their kids.
For some, it affects their ability to love.
For me, it affected my ability to have a healthy and whole body.
I think every part of this fight is worth sharing.
I know there are people out there with a hurdle that is similar.
Or there wouldn't be so many morbidly obese people.
Or so many tightly wound people.
Or alcoholics, drug addicts or people who are afraid to let go of their death grip on every single aspect of their existence.
There wouldn't be women who look for love through one night stands.
I am not alone in my anxiety.
I will not let it ruin everything I worked for.
I will beat it...
and Linda, I would love to hear about positive meditation and what you did to overcome your headaches.
I think it might help.
So, I did 4 mile walk today and ate 1345 calories.
I also hung out with a friend I knew from high school.
We had a great time.
Hope you are all having a good night.
Hugs to you,