it was all about food and triggers...
For a long time I assumed I ate because that is how I handled my emotions.
I didn't go any deeper than that.
And for some people, that is as deep as it goes.
Food is their drug of choice.
Like loretta said in the comments.
"The fat was an unfortunate by product of my food addiction"
I am paraphrasing here.
The fat wasn't or isn't doing anything for loretta except causing her pain.
Which is bad enough.
There are a lot of obese people for whom this post does not apply..
I am only addressing it here because it absolutely DOES apply to me and maybe a few others I know of.
But what if your fat...unbeknownst to you, is not just an unfortunate byproduct.
What if it is, or was, or has been, the goal of your subconscious mind?
You don't generally find this out till about mid way through your weight loss struggles.
It will present itself in stealthy ways.
Say..a certain number.
If there is a certain number that you approach and then kabluey...you blow it.
Your subconscious mind is sabatoging you...dollars to donuts.
200 is a number I often see in relation to this phenomenon.
Or for some it could be 250 or 300...
That number means something to you.
That is a question only you can answer..
But here is the thing.
Sometimes it isn't a number.
Sometimes it's a happening.
This is the reason that for a long time...I couldn't pinpoint my trigger for regain.
It happened at all different weights.
The last time it happened...I was 239 and I dieted down to 212 lbs.
I quit and regained and then some.
Before that I was 210 and got down to 203.
I quit and regained.
At one point it was 179 to 156.
Yes, some of it was diet fatigue.
Some of it was wanting to eat and being hungry.
But when I really sat down to figure it all out...
Why could I do six months on induction atkins, and then just quit and regain.
If you can do induction for six months...determination is not the problem.
Will power is not the issue.
I realized in each instance that it was a particular trigger.
It was when Men would notice me...
One flirtatious remark...one too overly familiar gesture.
Take 239 to 212.
It was a man putting his arm around me....
210 to 203
It was a man pulling over while I was walking and saying
"hey baby, wanna go out sometime'
179 to 156
It was a mechanic who said,
"it must get lonely while your husband is deployed'
(an on post mechanic asking why my hubby hadn't brought the car in)
I say "he's deployed"...he says above and gets waaaay too familiar.
Now...I figured that out prior to starting this last 'diet' (or lifestyle choice)
whatever you want to call it.
Did that make my issue disappear..
I had put the magnitude of my problem at about a 5.
I would have anxiety at every milestone.
Dropping below 229...
getting near 200....It would creep up on me..
This feeling of impending doom.
for no good reason.
I would feel anxious.
I wouldn't really connect it with men..just a feeling of being unsafe.
My childhood memories would come back.
I tried to laugh it off.
I fought through it.
But then....lotion man.
I don't know how many of you were reading when this happened....
I was walking through the mall...
This relatively attractive and not at all aggressive man was coming on to me..(probably to sell lotion)
I just about fainted.
I was so afraid. So anxious, that every bit of blood left my head and headed for the hinterlands.
I had to sit down, head between my legs and fob it off as a medical issue.
That is a problem.
More like an 8 or 9 problem.
It required serious intervention.
Hence my self defense class.
So, even if you identify what your fat is doing for you....protecting you from men...
protecting men from you...keeping your mother off your back about getting married.
Keeping your husband off your back about having kids.
Keeping you off your back about your level of expectations regarding life...
It doesn't make the issue disappear.
You may not know the magnitude until you pull the food away.
This can make people not even try.
They fear trying because then, they will have to pull this crap out and deal with it.
And when it comes right down to it, I don't think they fear the deprivation of limiting calories.
I think we all fear the knowledge of why we were using food in the first place...
and having that knowledge...then having to fix the crap that's wrong.
That can be life altering.
That can be very scary.
Obese people aren't stupid.
Your life isn't structured the way it is out of laziness.
There are reasons that are very logical.
The question is, do you want change enough to upend your whole life to achieve it.
The pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of becoming who it is you know you are capable of being.
It may mean losing something...or someone.
It may mean that nearly everything other people love about you is a lie.
I am here to say, irregardless of the pain it may cause you or others...It is worth it.
It's better living truthfully.
It is better knowing yourself.
It is better fixing the ugly parts.
Airing them out.
Kicking them in the @ss...and finally living a whole life.
I know because I am doing it.
And so can you.
It HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WILL POWER.
It is making the choice to change and accepting whatever consequences those choices bring.
It is worth it...and so are you.
p.s. my oldest daughter has her own blog now where she talks about things in 'her own way'. I think once you read it, you'll see what I am dealing with...My being an optimist and all...lol.
It's called pessimistic days.