4.22.2010

Here is where it gets tricky...

Hey all,
okay..so yesterday...
it was all about food and triggers...
For a  long time I assumed I ate because that is how I handled my emotions.
I didn't go any deeper than that.
And for some people, that is as deep as it goes.
Food is their drug of choice.
Like loretta said in the comments.
"The fat was an unfortunate by product of my food addiction"
I am paraphrasing here.
The fat wasn't or isn't doing anything for loretta except causing her pain.
Which is bad enough.
There are a lot of obese people for  whom this post does not apply..
I am only addressing it here because it absolutely DOES apply to me and maybe a few others I know of.




But what if your fat...unbeknownst to you, is not just an unfortunate byproduct.
What if  it is, or was,  or has been, the goal of your subconscious mind?

eh...TRICKY huh!
You don't generally find this out till about mid way through your weight loss struggles.
It will present itself in stealthy ways.
Say..a certain number.
If there is a certain number that you approach and then kabluey...you blow it.
EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
red flag.
Your subconscious mind is sabatoging you...dollars to donuts.
200 is a number I often see in relation to this phenomenon.
Or for some it could be 250 or 300...
That number means something to you.
What?
That is a question only you can answer..
But here is the thing.
Sometimes it isn't  a number.
Sometimes it's a happening.
This is the reason that for a long time...I couldn't pinpoint my trigger for regain.
It happened at all different weights.
The last time it happened...I was 239 and I dieted down to 212 lbs.
I quit and regained and then some.
????
Before that I was 210 and got down to 203.
I quit and regained.
At one point it was 179 to 156.
Yes, some of it was diet fatigue.
Some of it was wanting to eat and being hungry.
But when I really sat down to figure it all out...
Why could I do six months on induction atkins, and then just quit and regain.
If you can do induction for six months...determination is not the problem.
Will power is not the issue. 
I realized in each instance that it was a particular trigger.
It was when Men would notice me...
One flirtatious remark...one too overly familiar gesture.
boom...or bam...
back on.
Take 239 to 212.
It was a man putting his arm around me....
210 to 203
It was a man pulling over while I was walking and saying
"hey baby, wanna go out sometime'
179 to 156
It was a mechanic who said,
"it must get lonely while  your husband is deployed'
(an on post mechanic asking why my hubby hadn't brought the car in)
I say "he's deployed"...he says above and gets waaaay too familiar.
Now...I figured that out prior to starting this last 'diet' (or lifestyle choice)
whatever you want to call it.
Did that make my issue disappear..
hell no.
I had put the magnitude of my problem at about a 5.
I would have anxiety at every milestone.
Dropping below 229...
getting near 200....It would creep up on me..
This feeling of impending doom.
for no good reason.
I would feel anxious.
I wouldn't really connect it with men..just a feeling of being unsafe.
My childhood memories would come back.

I tried to laugh it off.
I fought through it.
But then....lotion man.
I don't know how many of you were reading when this happened....
I was walking through the mall...
This relatively attractive and not at all aggressive man was coming on to me..(probably to sell lotion)
I just about fainted.
I was so afraid. So anxious, that every bit of blood left my head and headed for the hinterlands.
I had to sit down, head between my legs and fob it off as a medical issue.
That is a problem.
More like an 8 or 9 problem.
It required serious intervention.
Hence my self defense class.
So, even if you identify what your fat is doing for you....protecting you from men...
protecting men from you...keeping your mother off your back about getting married.
Keeping your husband off your back about having kids.
Keeping you off your back about your level of expectations regarding life...
It doesn't make the issue disappear.

You may not know the magnitude until you pull the food away.
This can make people not even try.
They fear trying because then, they will have to pull this crap out and deal with it.
And when it comes right down to it, I don't think they fear the deprivation of limiting calories.
I think we all fear the knowledge of why we were using food in the first place...
and having that knowledge...then having to fix the crap that's wrong.
That can be life altering.
That can be very scary.
Obese people aren't stupid.
Your life isn't structured the way it is out of laziness.
There are reasons that are very logical.
The question is, do you want change enough to upend your whole life to achieve it.
The pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of becoming who it is you know you are capable of being.
It may mean losing something...or someone.
It may mean that nearly everything other people love about you is a lie.
I am here to say, irregardless of the pain it may cause you or others...It is worth it.
It's better living truthfully.
It is better knowing yourself.
It is better fixing the ugly parts.
Airing them out.
Kicking them in the @ss...and finally living a whole life.
I know because I am doing it.
And so can you.
It HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WILL POWER.
It is making the choice to change and accepting whatever consequences those choices bring.
It is worth it...and so are you.
Hugs,
Chris
p.s. my oldest daughter has her own blog now where she talks about things in 'her own way'. I think once you read it, you'll see what I am dealing with...My being an optimist and all...lol.
It's called pessimistic days.

18 comments:

Seth said...

"It is worth it, and so are you"

This line made me think. This is what I think.

my wife and I were talking about blogs today and she is a big (big=loves to) blogger too and she found an article talking about people who blog. It just tore the people (bloggers) apart by saying that they (the bloggers) are fake people trying to lie and make their lives appear perfect, etc. etc. etc.

Obviously, I think they are wrong - even though there may be people like that -- but then we have the blogs like yours where you let most of it, if not all, hang out for everyone to see. You follow it up with encouragement for the others.

To make this all relevant -- your openness and willingness to be real proves that article wrong and you are making a difference in people's lives every day. Keep up the good work.

**I'm not sure if I should apologize for laughing at that story..that was the first time I think I came to this site...*

cmoursler said...

it helped me to laugh as well..so no worries...I have a pretty good sense of humor. YOur comment is what made me check out your blog. I laugh at funerals..you can't get worse than that.

MargieAnne said...

So true. I thought I had this thing all together 3 or was it 4 years ago. I'd faced a lot of stuff and was losing weight in spite of .....

Then my wonderful husband said something that was meant as a compliment, meant to encourage me ..... and I lost the plot and gained most of that lost weight.

I haven't yet worked out why it was a trigger to gain weight. I know I will have to deal with it before I'm fully successful. I'm ready this time ... I hope.

If we don't do the work to heal our inner selves, our spirits we are likely to hit a major wall just as you describe.

I guess we need to be aware, know ourselves and be prepared to deal with things that come up instead of burying them in fat once more.

Again ... thanks for being so honest with us and being willing to share the hard places and how you came through. I am learning so much about honest Blogging. I don't pretend to understand why it works better on-line than in a private journal but it does. That's not to say that some things will always be too private to share on line and so remain in the personal journal.

Becca55 said...

You are such a powerful writer Chris :) I admire you for your honesty and openess. I can relate to you alot on what you post about and you really hit home with this one. I know that I need to go into my past to get through some issues but I am afriad of what I might find :( Keep on writing your words just have a way of making things better and putting things in perspective. Making me think about things that may have never crossed my mind. Have a great Friday!!

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

Yeah . . . I knew if anyone could understand my "Here's where it gets painful" post it would be you. And yeah . . . what you are saying makes a hell of a lot of sense to me because I am living it right now.

"Having that knowledge...then having to fix the crap that's wrong."

Knowledge is power though so time to get back on the bus. Xoxox.

Bloodwell said...

Why you should never trust your subconscious lol.Pessimists balance out optimists anyway. Optimists build the planes. Pessimists build the parachutes. You keep fighting your subconscious Mom... as long as ,you know, don't have telekinetic powers like Carrie.

Kim said...

"The pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of becoming who it is you know you are capable of being." I was nodding my head when I came to this line. So many times I've rationalized that I'll always be fat b/c some people just "are". A friend told me one time shortly after my diagnoses of PCOS that maybe it's not in God's plan for me to not be obese. That always struck a chord with me. Why would God want me to be anything less than I'm capable of being?? I was always waiting for God to help me through it, when He gave me exactly what I need to get through it. I was taking on a martyrdom role of being the "afflicted" person and not even trying wholeheartedly to be the "well" person. The pain my weight has caused is so much more painful than trying to become the person I'm capable of being. The hard parts of weight loss are small bumps compared to the big bumps that happen when you're morbidly obese. Good post Chris...you always make me think. Gah! And to think I paid for therapy not nearly as good as reading blogs! For shame. lol

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

I definitely have something that kicks in when I reach a certain point. Thanks for reminding me of it; I was actually planning to post about it a few days ago...but my brain seems to have turned to mush with all this gym stuff & I forget by the time I get to the computer to write.

PS - We had a maintenance guy in base housing that was always trying to be overly friendly like your base mechanic. Do you find it offensive how little respect they have for the people their supposed to be serving?

Blue~ said...

Is fat my excuse? If I am not fat, does that mean I have to find another reason?

This might explain my theory of 'cruising weight' - that weight at which I think I feel comfortable, because I settle there - I find it 'easy' to cope with everything - even though I know that my real need is to get hugely lower...I will check that one out when I get there.

I read your daughters blog -- the pangs of teenage - I am so glad I no longer have one of those around the house :) love them to bits as we do, it can be hard going :). Having said that she sounds like an incredible young woman! :)

Blue~

Rettakat said...

So much insight here, Chris. You're helping a lot of people get hold of their own truths.
Excellent.
Loretta
=^..^=

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I love this post. It is so honest, direct and insightful. Thank you for sharing, it really resonated with me.

Helen said...

Will power won't get you to the finish unless you figure out why you had to use it in the first place.

But sometimes will power is all you've got, until you you get to that point.

So I say will power is OK. It worked for me last night.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I've often heard that women who have been abused by men will turn to food in hopes that gaining weight will be a means of keeping abusers away.

Mrs. Happy Pants said...

I visited your daughter's page. I like it :) How old is she? We share a common love for weird/funny internet pictures, but I don't want to feel like I'm corrupting a minor (too much) if I share some of my demotivational pics. :-)

Kel said...

Just found your blog and enjoy it! I linked to your blog from mine, hope that's OK!

Kelly

Karla said...

so so so true, sometimes I find when the weight comes off and I am not "invisible" any longer, attention from others is hard to handle, thank you for this post...... made me think

seattlerunnergirl said...

"Keeping you off your back about your level of expectations regarding life..."

Get out of my head, Chris! I think this is a big one for me. Knowing that if I succeed here, then the expectations I put on myself are going to go WAY up. And sometimes? I just want to be lazy.

But I'll tell you what, when I think about spending the rest of my life at this weight...THAT pain is far worse than any pain I might experiencing while figuring myself out and doing all the work to get to a healthy weight.

263andcounting.com said...

"The pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of becoming who it is you know you are capable of being.It may mean losing something...or someone."

Well way to hit the nail on the head for sure! I was just talking to my therapist about this. My husband and I are on some very serious paths to becoming who we were meant to be and she point blank asked me "are you prepared for that to mean not being together?"

Together we both weighed 600 pounds and our fat is hiding some serious unresolved issues. I never thought this journey would take me back to a childhood that I had long since stuffed into my belly, thighs and double chin.

I'm afraid to let the fat go because it leaves me vulnerable. But keeping it leaves me depressed and so very very unhappy.

I'm afraid of losing my husband but I'm more afraid of losing myself.