Till I collapse


Back from my self imposed exile.
You all must think I love exercise.
I do it enough.
But I hate it.
I really do.
I like the way it makes me feel.
I love the benefits.
I have no urge to make it fun.
Because you know what I hated more than I hate exercise.
Knowing that of all the people that had abandoned me and hurt me over my life..
I had hurt myself more than all of them combined.
And self induced pain and shame is something I hate more than a little exercise.
The hour or two I spend every day making sure it never happens again.
Worth it.

I remember once being around 190 lbs...
My heart started racing and I felt light headed.
and  I thought:
 "I am going to drop dead on this stupid machine."
The following thought was...(because this is how my mind works.)
"She died doing what she hated."
The follow on thought to that was...
"But at least I died trying."
and I kept going.

So, I was listening  to this song today...I love eminem.
I get him and he would get me if he knew me.
And man...It's what I have felt like sometimes.
Really all through my life.
As I was sitting in church on Sunday contemplating the notion of spiritual gifts (and still trying to figure what mine was or is)
When it came to me.
I finally realized what spiritual gift I have.
I am a fighter.
Always have been...
I do it naturally.
Quitting is a foreign concept.

Trying to lose that last 10-20 lbs.
It has been a struggle.
To balance weight loss and life.
Feeling myself pulled in 20 different directions.
But if there is one thing I have learned.
A divided mind is a mind easily conquered.
You have to know your purpose.
Be willing to pay any price.
I am willing now.
 I have decided to give a good hard run at it these last four months of this year.
See where I get if I 'apply' myself.
So, hard core never hurt...
In fact, it works.
When irresistable force meets moveable object.
Irresistable Force Always Wins.
You aren't a failure till you quit.
I am no quitter.
I'm going to finish this.
Chris out.


Rettakat said...

Ha! Well, you already know by my last post that I agree with your kind of spunk!! And I have no doubt at all that you will finish... no doubt at all. :-)

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that you hate exercise. With your military background and all I thought it might be like it is for me... I feel weird if I'm not moving, a natural pacer, dancer, etc. I can't imagine how it would feel if those things were not a natural part of me.
Now knowing this about you I really gotta' hand it to you. You have obviously overhauled yourself to the point that you have managed to change some innate things about yourself. Amazing!
As to your inner fighter: She is simply awesome and I wouldn't change that, ever. I don't get people who stop fighting. Yup, knew I liked you.

Fatoutofskinny said...

Determination wins the game. Have no doubt you will reach your goal.
I don't like exercise either, but I do it!

Flabby McGee said...

wow. I'm more of a 'not follow through -er" type of person. giving up seems to be what I do best. awesome post, made me think.

Anne H said...

I hate to work out too-
And I LOVE the after-burn!
So I tell myself it's worth it!
Especially at first - we are the lucky recipients of all the endorphins and all... so enjoy! Nature's TRUE candy!

I said in Basic Training - the only way I am leaving is when I graduate - or when they zip up the body bag! 100% determined.... (maybe 99%)

Onward and downward we go!

Val N. said...

You are indeed a fighter. You are also a victor. Keep it up, girl, you're doing great.

I think another one of your gifts is being able to break out of cycles and inspire others. You are no longer obese, you are mothering your children without having been well mothered yourself. My hat is off to you!

Susy said...

All I have to say is more power to you and I'm with you ALL the way!!

downsizers said...

We have to exercise like we take medicine - because it's good for us. I have a book I would like to send to you - it's about the symbolism, allegories, and parables in the Bible. You can keep it if you want to pass it on or send it back when you are done. It makes the point that we cannot read the Bible literally. Just send me an email through my blog with your address and I will send it to you.

Putz said...

i enjoy being your friend

Putz said...

you did not say you were happy to get an enima

Twix said...

"But at least I died trying."

AMEN!! High FIVE!!!!!

I am not a quitter! ;-)

Nice song!

MB said...


You and me both, Sister!

Keep fighting the good fight.

Joy said...

You've got this my Friend!!!!

Keep it up and stay focused!!!

Anonymous said...

You have shown so much determination in your blog, I just know you are going to make it. Go for it! And even if you hate the exercising, revel in the ability to do it, in feeling how strong you are, and enjoy that, if not the actual activity!

carla said...

and chris is never OUT.

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

I knew you were a fighter. It's nuts you didn't know!!!!

Hanlie said...

You're definitely a fighter! I love that about you.