8.29.2011

When you feel like a failure....

I have been in a weird mood lately...which has probably come across in online comments. lol.
You ever do that?
Struggle with something personally and it skews your perspective.
Well.
I still feel like a complete and utter failure sometimes.
I know..
When do I get to feel like a winner!
Well...
even if you lose tons of weight..sometimes you still have the voice in your head screaming
FAILURE!!!!
It bothers me when I see kids my daughter's age playing the piano (10)
I can't do that for her.
It bothers me that my house is a mess.
I feel like I chase the mess around the house.
The only thing I feel great about right now is homeschool.
Do you ever feel like you try and try and try and you are still not up to snuff?
Not thin enough.
Not active enough in church.
Not well dressed enough, neat enough, etc.
Well.
I just keep thinking that If I could stumble across the exact plan that will make everything fall into place.
My stress will melt away.
lololol.
um.
right.
It all came to a head a week ago when I was nitpicking my husband about his sock drawer.
I wanted it NEAT.
lol.
I asked him to please straighten it so I would know what went where.
He gave me a hard time.
I gave him a hard time.
And when that argument was over...I realized I had attacked him because I felt out of sorts.
And, instead of focusing on ME...it was easier to point out another's flaws and 'fix' them.
I need to focus on me, on my home.
I need to get at least some of my crap together.
my homeschool organizer and my bill book and a basic cleaning plan (which went out the window with canning and homeschool)
I am not a failure.
I just have a lot on my plate.
So I am cutting myself some slack.
I will get back to you on the first.
Have a good two days guys.
Hugs,
Chris

15 comments:

E. Jane said...

I have been kicking myself today, as well, for many of the same reasons. We have had grandkids staying at our house for the last five days and have been attending sports events, taking them swimming and to the activities at the health club, school clothes shopping, cooking, etc. and I am angry at myself because I'm struggling with keeping my house perfect and the laundry done. I'm also going out of town for a few days to a class, and I'm not ready. We women know how to do a number on ourselves. But we all have only so much time and energy to expend, and sometimes we have to choose what we really need to focus on. Cut yourself some slack, Christine. You do a great job--remember--progress, not perfection.

Debora said...

In the grand scheme of things, what really matters; that your house was perfectly clean and that your daughter can play Mozart...or that you have a loving family and are raising decent human beings?

Amber said...

That exact plan to make everything fall into place!
Where is it? It doesn't exist!

Getting organised is great. Being active in church is great. Neat sock drawers are great. (never had one so I'm just guessing) ;) A child than can play the piano is great.

But you have to do what is "great" for you and your family!
Soph, wants to play piano, print up some lessons from the internet.

Don't look out at others to see what your missing, look at what's in your home to see what is awesome for you!

(shhh, don't tell but I look over the fence at your garden then feel like my garden sucks!) We all look else where when we are feeling crapy! But hey, now you can can your own food, your daughter is learning and who cares if your house is a mess or not! That won't matter in 2, 10, or 20 years.

Smile!!
And yes, cut yourself some slack!!
(then send it my way) I need to do the same!!!

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I totally do something similar too. I rail on my family members when I am feeling bad. I have to catch myself and realize that it's me that's feeling yucky and trying to "blame" it on them. It's a hard habit to break. I like how you are cutting yourself some slack. We all need to do that more!!

God bless..
~Margene

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

So many of us can relate. I put it out there that I am going to cut back on work in January and I already find myself second-guessing it, even though I KNOW it is what I need. It is so hard for so many of us to give ourselves a break, no matter how bad we need it. From the comments that are already here, I think you can tell you've hit a nerve...
BTW, I'm so touched that my blog for today was meaningful for you.

Dr. Fat To Fit said...

There are many times I feel the same way. I think it has to do with my expectations of myself. Sometimes I want perfection, but truth is NO ONE is perfect. Not one of us. I know how you feel and I think we have to just learn to accept ourselves and our lives and enjoy the things we have.

Fatoutofskinny said...

I too have taken my failings out on my family. Several years agoi started a gratitude journal. At first I didn't have much to say at all but as the days went by I found more and more to be grateful for. I don't journal now but when I find myself going back to my old ways I look around me and find things to be grateful for.......it's amazing what you can find!

downsizers said...

I always come up short when I start comparing myself, my house, my accomplishments to others. It seems like everyone else is organized, productive, skinny, has nice things but not me. The years of feeling like less of a person because of the childhood, the fat, the lack of things - even some that were needed seems to overshadow our today. It's an inside job we undertake. The most wonderful people I have known went through The Depression and do they ever have stories about doing without. My Mom quit school because she was ashamed of her clothes. She has dentures today because she did without the dental work she needed because the four of us kids needed things and when she could afford it, it was too late. She said she and dad refused an invitation to go out because they didn't have a quarter to buy hosiery for her to wear. The media tells us about all this stuff we need that is really just a want. We have so much to be thankful for don't you think?

Daniel said...

well, i have an ugly green tie and i wore it to church sunday, and joohn vanorman said"aren't you embarassed to wear that" and i thought to myself< what a dork i am<><>.,of course i am embarassed to wear this oddity to church<><><>but then he was wearing a mauve tie<><>,.why is it all right to wear a mauve tie to church and not a kelly green tie??????????????????????this is the putz on daniel;s handle and if he ever finds out it will be worse than wearing a GREEN tie to church

4athomej said...

WOW...all I can say is...I feel that way daily!!!!

Too much to do no time to do it...I have trouble sitting for 5 minutes because there's always something that needs to be done...if you figure out a good way to de-stress a bit...please let me know...:)

Annalisa201 said...

YAY. Glad you are smart enough to realise that you are NOT a failure - you just have a lot on your plate. Forgive yourself, and move on. I've spent the last year of my life clearing my piled-mountain-high-plate, and I feel heaps better! I have taken it slow though. Really slow. Forgive, forgive, forgive - myself! And now I'm stepping into a whole new season now - I was able to take a day off from self-medication and do something for others - a whole lot of others - charity work. It's been way too long, but now I am well enough to stop focusing on getting me and my life together, and give back. Loving it. Makes me proud. I'm reading this lovely book which I recommend with all my heart, it's called "Knowing God, Knowing Myself". It's amazing. It's just like the title. It's about the humanity side of ourselves, in light of a God who made us so flawed, He made us this way! And He loves us! Incomprehensible really. But the book is full of stories of being human - sort of a reconciliation between what we see as behaviour failure, and loving God while living this crappy existence. In the end, we are each running our own tailor-made race - each one different, just for us. And we are each given talents, abilities, strengths, and love enough to handle exactly what is thrown our way. I am full of love for you Chris. I pray you can find the strength to pull through, and come out more sparkling than ever before (is that possible? Cuz YOU SPARKLE!) xoxoxo

F. McButter Pants said...

Stupid voice. Just know that you're not the only one that hears it. Just remember it's not the Holy Spirit that makes those noises. The master of all lies....LIES. Hope that helps you, cause it sure helps me. When I can remember it. Satan would love to get and keep us down. Then we will feel too bad about ourselves to do anything good. Like raising great kids or building the Kingdom.

Damn Devil!

Hope things are better.

Joy said...

I'm glad you are giving yourself a break. Nobody is perfect. Just do the best you can. I'd rather you have a dirty house, then you having kids who are starved for your attention. You are putting your energy where it belongs. In due time, you will have time to focus on other things. Enjoy yourself!

Putz said...

boy do i like sister don't let go of life<><>,.need to steal that from you

bbubblyb said...

I always think of you as a superstar Chris so no matter what that voice is saying in your head it's surely not true from where I'm standing :) But I surely know what you mean as the voice in my head says the same things at times. Glad to hear you're cutting yourself some slack and taking a break. Look forward to hearing from you soon *hugs*