That's okay...
stay where you are....
what?
You don't like the view...
well then,
I guess you'd best keep climbing.
I get sick of climbing.
Sometimes it seems I have been climbing my whole life.
Climbing over other people's sh*tty decisions.
Climbing over other people's apathy.
(these are the easiest to climb over...they make good places to plant your feet.)
climbing over people's preconcieved ideas and prejudices....
even my own.
Climbing out of the hole of poverty.
abuse.
ignorance.
Just to get to even ground.
Where the normal people start.
Today I had to tell my daughter we couldn't afford ballet lessons.
It's 80 dollars a month.
plus the outfit and the shoes and the tights and a 25 dollar fee to register.
We have about 180 dollars left for groceries for the month.
We just can't do it.
It took all of our money just to get my oldest daughter's ap exams paid for and her senior trip to camp (that she missed for the last two years).
We can afford this in November or December, but sign up is now.
And I was in a crappy mood.
It's hard to tell your child no, when it is something they really, really want.
But as I was doing the elliptical I remembered..
I remembered how I grew up.
In a trailer.
I got three pairs of pants and three shirts for the year.
I had never had a lesson other than "don't provoke a drunk" or "make yourself scarce when someone is pissed".
Never.
My mom pulled me out of girl scouts because she simply couldn't pick me up anymore.
My daughter is in her 4th year of girl scouts.
She is starting with the church choir this coming sunday.
She has a nice home.
An intact family.
Parents who are stable, sober and who love her.
She isn't just starting from ground level...
she is at least two or three floors up.
So,
While I can't get her ballet at the super duper fancy school.
I can get her a few 6 week lessons down at the community center.
And next year...she won't be starting from nothing.
She will be starting a little bit higher.
So maybe you are standing at the bottom of a huge pile of sh*t.
And there is nothing you would like better than to sit down in it and quit.
It that really where you want to spend your life?!
I didn't think so.
Start climbing.
Chris out.
10 comments:
I have days I'm sick of climbing..I feel like you, that I've been climbing since childhood to overcome everything...and its hard for us who overcome a lot to NOT be able to give our children EVERYTHING. Good for you for not overextending yourself. Your daughter will be a better person for it, to know the value of money and restraint...
Jodie
(www.biggerthanababyelephant.blogspot.com)
Wow... You and I have MUCH in common. I wasn't able to put my daughter into ballet either and unfortunately, I'm also gonna have to break it to my 11 year-old that I have to take him out of Tae Kwon Do...I agree though, we must keep climbing!
Hi Christine,
As always you strike a chord in my life. I have been climbing all of my life. But I know feel I am at a level where I can look down without feeling sick and look up without feeling I am never going to get there.
I am in a position my mother was never in, that I was never in when my children were small. I could never go on school trips/holidays or take part in activities that had to be paid for. I tried hard with my children but there was never enough money for extra's unless other things were sacrified.
My wonderful husband and I are at the moment, in a position to help my children and it is a joy to do so. I pray we will always be able to.
God Bless you for being the woman you are.
Hugs
Sheilagh
Thank you for this post.
I have been feeling the "tired of climbing" attitude for a bit now.
And now, it's time for me to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and start the climb again.
I guess sometimes we need to stop, realize we don't like the view, and get moving again.
Thanks again. I needed this today.
How you write such beautiful, meaningful, applicable and heartfelt blog posts, day in and day out, for years on end... it reminds me of the beautiful way you live your life - consistent, strong, ever-climbing your way to a better place. You are amazing Chris. I hope that you KNOW that... fully and true. You are amazing. An amazing mom, amazing writer, amazing weight-loss WARRIOR, amazing woman of God - A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! Hope you never get sick of hearing this: Thank you for sharing. (ever considered writing a book? I'd encourage you as much as I know how because you could help so many people!) HUGS!!!
Your daughter has the things that matter most. Have you ever noticed that truly great people come from very humble backgrounds? They didn't get everything they wanted. They had to do without. It builds character. You would not be the person you are today if everything had been handed to you. You have something to compare your childhood home with now and that makes you understand how rich you are. One day your daughter will look back and be glad and thankful for what she had as she grew up and the things she didn't have won't matter.
Yea I sure think your kids have it good :) A good post Christine, you are so good at putting words together :)
Okay, this post was for me. We just slid down the pile of....you know what, last night. But we pulled our selves together and climbed about half way back up:) It's cool to hear how you came from such humble circumstances and have made such a wonderful life for your family.
Really inspiring. startingat500pounds
Wow. This is really resonating with me. I have felt so much like it is one step forward, two back. For every good thing that happens, something much worse follows. I think that having hope that my dad would beat the cancer was the worst. I didn't get to hold on to that for more than a few weeks before I found out that he was going to pass within a week. Knockout. And I just can't seem to get up from that. I think it is better. Something good happens toward my recovery (i.e. I got a military ID card - long story there) and then other symptoms flare up. I am hoping that I just have an inner ear issue. My balance was so off that I fell into the bathtub when I turned around to flush the toilet. I wasn't hurt at all because I didn't even try to protect myself from a fall.
However, it just feels like there is always another mountain to climb. My joints are turning all red and hurting. My balance is for junk. And I am still not "over" my dad's death. Everything just feels so hard all of the time. Mentally and physically.
This is sounding a lot like poor me. I don't mean it like that. If there is anything that I have learned is that everyone has trials and tribulations. No one comes out of this life unscathed.
Quitting has never been an option. I absolute refuse to make THIS PLACE my home. I want a healthy body and life. There are important things I am determined to do. Things that I believe I was chosen to do. I forget that sometimes when I am lying in the bathtub thinking, "What the hell just happened?" And so it goes.
Just found your blog and felt constrained to comment. I'm a little older than you; my family is all raised. When my 1st son was in kindergarten I cried because I had to send him to school in 2nd had shoes that were way too big and scuffed. He's 38 now and an executive with a large clothing corporation. And me...a poor girl with dysfunctional family to teen mom to secretary to successful business woman to para-ed; working with (you guessed it...poor kids!) Have faith that will get there...and so will your children. It'll be sweet; I promise!
If you have time, here's a link from my blog that you may find encouraging...
http://thingsthatarelovely.blogspot.com/2011/08/hope-for-hard-times.html
Cheers!
Debora
PS: Love your writing. You are very gifted!
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