6.03.2010

Hitting paydirt in my chickencoop.

Hello all,
Well, If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I have talked about my fat and the reasons behind it.
The reasons I got fat.
I used the euphemism of a chicken coop.
If you have ever tried to clean out a chicken coop where the crap has not been taken care of, that has been allowed to be tamped down, layer upon layer.
Then you know that It smells like crap, but not too bad.
But once you start chipping away at that crap..the smell comes on full force.
I stated that before this weight loss attempt...I would get a good 20 lbs in or so...the smell would become too much. I would cover it up and tamp it back down and add a few more layers or pounds.
Well this time, when I started digging, I hit that first layer this last September.
My feelings about my past surfaced. 
They were intense.
It was usually where I quit.
I pushed through that and figured out:
The first reason was That I ate to cover up my feelings, or to avoid feeling.

So, after I pushed through that layer and learned to feel my feelings.
I Kept going, a few months later I was flirted with in a friendly but overly aggressive manner, and I nearly fainted because I had a panic attack.
I figured out The second reason:
I used the fat to protect me from unwanted attention from men.
I took a self defense class.
It helped immensely.
There are several reasons for the situation I found myself in...
I endured physical, emotional and in one case sexual abuse.
Well, that was that.
I knew there was some other reason...because I would have these unaccountable urges to eat whenever I passed a milestone.
Recently it's been because of how enthusiastic my husband is at my changes.
It has felt nice in one sense, but in another I was getting edgy with it. 
Very.
well.
I figured it out last night.


Last night I had a very enlightening dream.
I have reached a size 10.
I feel pretty good.  My husband is all over me all the time.
.
But last night I dreamed that my husband had gotten very jealous because I looked so much better.
He was trying to tell me where I could go, who I could talk to...
Then he was telling me how to spend money, what to wear...and getting violent...
(This is all in a dream folks...so no worries lol)
He took away my computer.
He wouldn't let me talk on the phone.
He tried to tell me what to wear and what to say.
I told him I wanted to take my youngest to the mall.
He told me I didn't need to go.
My husband was a right pr*ck in the dream.
Now, the whole time..in the house was this rattlesnake.
My husband didn't notice it and neither did my kids.
Visitors noticed and asked about it.
I told them it was harmless, that it would never attack anyone.
So, when my husband (in my dream) went to work...I took my youngest to the mall anyway..
and I took the snake along.
Now those who know me know that my one big fear is snakes.
The kids still talk about the time a baby bull snake (about 3 inches long) slithered by and I went airborne.
funny haha.
A snake represents fear to me. 
When we got there, IT went crazy...it started rattling and hissing and biting at people.
People were yelling at me to kill it, and I tried to but it got away from me.
So....now this is where the dream gets a little strange (as if it isn't already.lol)
Miz Fit shows up.
Yes, the blogger.
No, I've never met her, but I do have a guest post coming up on her blog on the 24th of June.
I think she showed up because she Is where I want to be physically...plus she has some cool tats..and mentally she has it together.
She shows up and kills the snake.
Then she cuts the rattler part off and gives it to me and says
"remember'.
Now,
The rattle part is what warns you.
So while I shouldn't let fear get out of control..the warning is a good thing.

Now back to the main part of that dream..
My husband being controlling.
That is exactly how my mom's second husband treated her.
I have written about him before.
He was very violent and controlling.
He would have my mom tally everything she spent.
She had to ask for money.
She laid out his clothes, ran his bath and even ironed his hankies.
He would also constantly criticize her for being too fat.
She was only a size 6, at one point she was a 4.
He would still call her fat and pinch her and tell her to lose weight.
I had forgot that.
I have been rebelling.
I wasn't going to be like my mother.
I wasn't going to let anyone control me.
My fat was a big finger to mostly one person.
He who shall not be named..
and a small one aimed at my mom.
That is the truth.
I was going to do as I pleased, period.
I refused to please anyone, and if they didn't like me then screw them.
It is healthy to an extent.
But I go to extremes.
I go the other way.
someone says to me "This is what  you should do."
I will listen, but if I sense any sort of self serving bs in the request, I don't do it.
Even if I know a little sugar will soothe a situation.
If it isn't the truth, I will spit vinegar.
Some people appreciate it, many don't.
It is a HUGE part of who I am.
My husband was playing the part of Duane in that dream.
In the end of that dream, I took my girls and left.
I have to thank my mom, because in the end she did the same thing.
I don't have to fear being controlled...the fear isn't necessary..
I know the warning rattles.
I already have the control.
My chicken coop is clean...it only took 13 months.
Today,
I ate
yogurt with cherries and honey 315


crackers and soup 460
coffee 240
2 oz cube steak (hated the texture) 100
2 spears of asparagus and 1 mushroom 35
I wasn't very hungry at dinner....
1150 calories...I may eat two eggs and a piece of toast later which would put me at 1390 calories.
I will probably.
I did 2 3 mile walks.
So burned 600 calories or so...
I would estimate my deficit to be around 700 calories.
Hope you all had a good day.
Hugs,
Chris

20 comments:

✯FiTCETERA✯ said...

What the hell did you eat before bed, Chris? LOL

13 short months. Pretty incredible.

Deb Willbefree said...

I love your posts--your dreams, your analogies--and the way you tell them. Astounding. Deb

Sandra said...

Karen has a good point - what did you eat before bed last night? :)

Your Mom's second husband sounds like my first.

I'm still afraid... and your posts make me realize that - thank you!

Paula Rodriguez said...

You're always doing the work for me... I've yet to clean out my coup. What an insightful dream and I love the part of MizFit came and wrestled that snake.

Paula Rodriguez said...

I had to come back here again and read your post because when I layed my head down, thoughts came up of being a kid. Something that I may or may not have suppressed. I came back here and had to share. I realize I'm not looking at the root of why I'm over eat. I think sometimes I just like food but then why when I closed my eyes, my mind went to those things that I need to deal with... urgh, Chris, you're always pushing me to go there... just had to share.

Rettakat said...

What amazes me is that you made most of your progress before this last revelation. This was a very important last one, though. I'm glad for you.
Loretta
=^..^=

carla said...

holy JEEBERS (as the four year old says :))
this was a read and reread and reread and WAIT DID I EVEN GET THAT?! post for me :)
and thats a compliment.

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

Flippin Heck!!
What a dream, you shifted some of my crap with that, thank you!!!

Leslie said...

Good work on the head piece,Chris. It is at the core of so much of this for many of us. I know I have my own brand of chicken sh*t to shovel when it becomes unearthed. I pray for your courage and insight.

MrsFatass said...

I love your honesty. And I love that MizFit slayed the snake.

Patsy said...

Compelling reading - thank you for sharing.

River said...

This was my favorite post of yours. I loved the "layers" it is how I feel as well. It makes the struggle a little more difficult but understanding this all that's what's gonna make these changes permenant!

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

Boy does your chicken coup sound like mine. Not wanting to let someone control me. If you don't like it, too bad. Etc. etc. Except for me, it's gotten to a point where I'm biting off my nose to spite my face. Does my mom want me to lose weight? Yep. Does my husband? Yep. Will I be giving either of them CONTROL over me if I do? Absofreakinlutely not.

Thanks for sharing this, Chris!

Morgan said...

Wow, what a dream. You are sure good at keeping that coop clean - I am still somewhere in the middle layer I think.

Robin said...

It is posts like this that remind me why I love reading your blog so much. You always keep it real, tell it like it is, don't gloss it over, and make me think about my own coop.

Seth said...

dang - very vivid dream.


I missed reading your posts while I was away.

Kim said...

It feels like you were writing this for me. lol :) Needed that.

Deb said...

Wow. Amazing dream. Amazing post. This is why I love reading the blogs of successful losers.

Putz said...

hey my dream about you was nothing like this dream of yourself>>>but i had more fun in my dream cause everyone was awinner, in youer dream there are some losers

Tammy said...

What an impressive dream! I wish I was that good at clarifying what the hell they mean when I wake up. You mentioned snakes represent fear to you...amen to that sister. I call them my "stress dreams"...I have 2...snakes and tornadoes. I wake up just before I get bit by a snake...and we're talking to a whole pit of them that I've fallen into or that are slithering all over me in bed when I "wake up" (but not really awake yet)....or I'm just about to lose my grip on whatever it is I'm holding onto during the tornado and I wake up just as my feet have been lifted off the ground, so my legs are getting horizontal with the ground while I'm holding on to something for dear life and my fingers are slipping....OMG I feel like I can't breathe right now just from typing it out, lol.

There was one thing that struck me about your food. How in the world do you spend 240 cals on coffee? I drink 2 c. of decaf most evenings and I use Coffeemate sugar-free Hazelnut creamer, 1 Tbsp for each cup, and it's 15 cals per Tbsp, so I have a total of 30 cals in creamer. I'm baffled, lol.