Well, If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I have talked about my fat and the reasons behind it.
The reasons I got fat.
I used the euphemism of a chicken coop.
If you have ever tried to clean out a chicken coop where the crap has not been taken care of, that has been allowed to be tamped down, layer upon layer.
Then you know that It smells like crap, but not too bad.
But once you start chipping away at that crap..the smell comes on full force.
I stated that before this weight loss attempt...I would get a good 20 lbs in or so...the smell would become too much. I would cover it up and tamp it back down and add a few more layers or pounds.
Well this time, when I started digging, I hit that first layer this last September.
My feelings about my past surfaced.
They were intense.
It was usually where I quit.
I pushed through that and figured out:
The first reason was That I ate to cover up my feelings, or to avoid feeling.
So, after I pushed through that layer and learned to feel my feelings.
I Kept going, a few months later I was flirted with in a friendly but overly aggressive manner, and I nearly fainted because I had a panic attack.
I figured out The second reason:
I used the fat to protect me from unwanted attention from men.
I took a self defense class.
It helped immensely.
There are several reasons for the situation I found myself in...
I endured physical, emotional and in one case sexual abuse.
Well, that was that.
I knew there was some other reason...because I would have these unaccountable urges to eat whenever I passed a milestone.
Recently it's been because of how enthusiastic my husband is at my changes.
It has felt nice in one sense, but in another I was getting edgy with it.
I figured it out last night.
Last night I had a very enlightening dream.
I have reached a size 10.
I feel pretty good. My husband is all over me all the time.
But last night I dreamed that my husband had gotten very jealous because I looked so much better.
He was trying to tell me where I could go, who I could talk to...
Then he was telling me how to spend money, what to wear...and getting violent...
(This is all in a dream folks...so no worries lol)
He took away my computer.
He wouldn't let me talk on the phone.
He tried to tell me what to wear and what to say.
I told him I wanted to take my youngest to the mall.
He told me I didn't need to go.
My husband was a right pr*ck in the dream.
Now, the whole time..in the house was this rattlesnake.
My husband didn't notice it and neither did my kids.
Visitors noticed and asked about it.
I told them it was harmless, that it would never attack anyone.
So, when my husband (in my dream) went to work...I took my youngest to the mall anyway..
and I took the snake along.
Now those who know me know that my one big fear is snakes.
The kids still talk about the time a baby bull snake (about 3 inches long) slithered by and I went airborne.
A snake represents fear to me.
When we got there, IT went crazy...it started rattling and hissing and biting at people.
People were yelling at me to kill it, and I tried to but it got away from me.
So....now this is where the dream gets a little strange (as if it isn't already.lol)
Miz Fit shows up.
Yes, the blogger.
No, I've never met her, but I do have a guest post coming up on her blog on the 24th of June.
I think she showed up because she Is where I want to be physically...plus she has some cool tats..and mentally she has it together.
She shows up and kills the snake.
Then she cuts the rattler part off and gives it to me and says
The rattle part is what warns you.
So while I shouldn't let fear get out of control..the warning is a good thing.
Now back to the main part of that dream..
My husband being controlling.
That is exactly how my mom's second husband treated her.
I have written about him before.
He was very violent and controlling.
He would have my mom tally everything she spent.
She had to ask for money.
She laid out his clothes, ran his bath and even ironed his hankies.
He would also constantly criticize her for being too fat.
She was only a size 6, at one point she was a 4.
He would still call her fat and pinch her and tell her to lose weight.
I had forgot that.
I have been rebelling.
I wasn't going to be like my mother.
I wasn't going to let anyone control me.
My fat was a big finger to mostly one person.
He who shall not be named..
and a small one aimed at my mom.
That is the truth.
I was going to do as I pleased, period.
I refused to please anyone, and if they didn't like me then screw them.
It is healthy to an extent.
But I go to extremes.
I go the other way.
someone says to me "This is what you should do."
I will listen, but if I sense any sort of self serving bs in the request, I don't do it.
Even if I know a little sugar will soothe a situation.
If it isn't the truth, I will spit vinegar.
Some people appreciate it, many don't.
It is a HUGE part of who I am.
My husband was playing the part of Duane in that dream.
In the end of that dream, I took my girls and left.
I have to thank my mom, because in the end she did the same thing.
I don't have to fear being controlled...the fear isn't necessary..
I know the warning rattles.
I already have the control.
My chicken coop is clean...it only took 13 months.
yogurt with cherries and honey 315
crackers and soup 460
2 oz cube steak (hated the texture) 100
2 spears of asparagus and 1 mushroom 35
I wasn't very hungry at dinner....
1150 calories...I may eat two eggs and a piece of toast later which would put me at 1390 calories.
I will probably.
I did 2 3 mile walks.
So burned 600 calories or so...
I would estimate my deficit to be around 700 calories.
Hope you all had a good day.