8.08.2009

The psychology of weight loss

aaahhhh,,,,here comes that feeling again.
Hey all, I have lost 32 lbs so far. Fantastic right? You would think so. On a cerebral level, I am ecstatic. I feel better, have more energy (or had), I can do more during the day.

However, I hit thirty pounds about a week ago, and since then I have had, in my gut, a persistent feeling of dread. A feeling of impending doom. I am a big believer in intuition so thought something bad was about to happen. I have been "hungry" for the last week. I have "tired"...feeling "too tired" to walk. (I have eaten right and walked anyway) What has changed? NOTHING. This is where I have always quit before. I have a feeling of dread, I am tired, I am hungry, what's the point, I feel fine now that I have lost some weight etc.

This is where psychological warfare begins, with myself. It was so sneaky this time. Usually I quit easier and so never run into these persistant thoughts about food. This is my fear of losing weight and being vulnerable, being seen. It has lodged in my gut and in my subconscious. It is my subconscious mind attempting to undermine my conscious efforts. That sounds crazy, but this is exactly why I do what I hate (as paul would say). I have a programming in My subconscious mind that keeps me fat. There is a reason I am fat. It isn't because, consciously I want to be...but somewhere along the way, my subconcious has convinced me that my fat is keeping me safe . It keeps me invisible. I am slowly becoming visible, and I know consciously that this is what I want. Subconsciously, all hell is breaking loose.
I need new programming. I am going to keep going, today is my three mile walk and my whole body hurts. I think it's mental, not physical. I have got to reprogram myself. So, I need, over a period of time... Good associations with being healthier, with being thin. When I was young, I was thin. My associations with that period of time was physical, emotional and in one particularly damaging instance, sexual abuse. This person called me his "petite princess'. It wasn't as bad of an experience as it could have been, but it was bad enough. Just touching. I didn't want to be anyone's petite princess, or victim ever again, and so I began to gain weight.

I know in my heart of hearts there is only one way to psychologically overcome this for me. That is to become a rather tough, scary individual. To make up for my missing wall of fat, I am going to have to be able to fend someone off by hand. No, I am not kidding. I don't want to harm anybody, I just want to have the knowledge and physical ability to be able to eliminate any form of threat with just my body alone. I won't use a gun because I have children in the house and just can't, whenever someone I know has had one around, it's all I can think about, I can't live that way . (I am a card carrying member of the NRA, I just don't have a gun lol.) So, hand to hand it is.
Right now I feel vulnerable because for the next six to eight months I am not fit enough to really protect myself, and I am not fat enough to be invisible. Tricky. I do have a push knife that I take with me on walks. I know this sounds paranoid to people, but it is just the truth. There is only so much you can get rid of mentally. The rest of recovery takes time and reprogramming. I will get better about weight as time goes on and collect good associations, but I have to get there. It's kind of like being terrified of heights and the only way you are going to overcome your fear of heights is to climb mount everest. So, that is why every pound is a victory for me. When someone loses a half pound and I congratulate them I truly mean it. For some of us, this is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. I wish you all luck and to stay mentally conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them, hold them up against reality. This can be mentally exhausting but is necessary for you if you are going to keep going.
hugs and God bless,
Chris

6 comments:

Hanlie said...

Girl, I have more weapons than Lara Croft! My favorite is my tazer... Nobody will take that on.

Good luck with feeling safer.

Fat[free]Me said...

I totally understand all of this and the fact that I am now older, past what is considered attractive and NOW can lose the weight is rather telling.

Funnily enough, I had a scared moment today when I was out for a walk alone and seriously wished I had some kind of weapon I could use if I needed to.

I think self-defence classes would be a good idea - for all of us!

Do all you can to feel safer, but don't destroy your own health as a way to protect yourself. It isn't worth it in the long run.

Amber said...

Keeping that push knife with you or taking a self defense class will help.
It is easier to put your self out there when you feel you can defend your self. I used to carry a knife of some kind and mace every where I went, even high school (which was not allowed)
Now I just figure the red-head temper and self preservation for me and my kids will help.
I wouldn't mind taking a self defense class too if we could find one close and cheep.
Keep going you are doing great and you can and will succeed!!!
Eventually so will I then we'll go clothes shopping together.
amber

Patty said...

I think you are smart to learn to defend yourself, and maybe whatever training you take may help you reach your fitness goals that much quicker--win, win.

Merry said...

A self-defense class is a great idea. What I got out of my class was not an encyclopedic knowledge of all the martial arts, but rather a sense of How To React when you need to react. Most people tend to freeze for a second, which gives an aggressor time to move in. Self-defense classes teach you confidence, which in itself can make bad guys stay away. (They go for the weak and the easy prey.)
Smart idea!

HiddenJewel said...

Self defense, pepper spray and just plain ole awareness are all good weapons to have in your arsenal. May I suggest one more that we as Christians have, but tend to underestimate the power of? While you are strengthening your body I would encourage you to also strengthen your spirit through the Word of God. Putting on the whole armor of God (Eph 6:10-18)will help you feel (and be) both invisible and empowered. It will also build up wisdom that will help you in making the decisions ahead.
I'm really proud of you for sticking to your plan regardless of your feelings. I also appreciate your openess as you work through the "why's" along your journey. Keep up the good work!