aaahhhh,,,,here comes that feeling again.
Hey all, I have lost 32 lbs so far. Fantastic right? You would think so. On a cerebral level, I am ecstatic. I feel better, have more energy (or had), I can do more during the day.
However, I hit thirty pounds about a week ago, and since then I have had, in my gut, a persistent feeling of dread. A feeling of impending doom. I am a big believer in intuition so thought something bad was about to happen. I have been "hungry" for the last week. I have "tired"...feeling "too tired" to walk. (I have eaten right and walked anyway) What has changed? NOTHING. This is where I have always quit before. I have a feeling of dread, I am tired, I am hungry, what's the point, I feel fine now that I have lost some weight etc.
This is where psychological warfare begins, with myself. It was so sneaky this time. Usually I quit easier and so never run into these persistant thoughts about food. This is my fear of losing weight and being vulnerable, being seen. It has lodged in my gut and in my subconscious. It is my subconscious mind attempting to undermine my conscious efforts. That sounds crazy, but this is exactly why I do what I hate (as paul would say). I have a programming in My subconscious mind that keeps me fat. There is a reason I am fat. It isn't because, consciously I want to be...but somewhere along the way, my subconcious has convinced me that my fat is keeping me safe . It keeps me invisible. I am slowly becoming visible, and I know consciously that this is what I want. Subconsciously, all hell is breaking loose.
I need new programming. I am going to keep going, today is my three mile walk and my whole body hurts. I think it's mental, not physical. I have got to reprogram myself. So, I need, over a period of time... Good associations with being healthier, with being thin. When I was young, I was thin. My associations with that period of time was physical, emotional and in one particularly damaging instance, sexual abuse. This person called me his "petite princess'. It wasn't as bad of an experience as it could have been, but it was bad enough. Just touching. I didn't want to be anyone's petite princess, or victim ever again, and so I began to gain weight.
I know in my heart of hearts there is only one way to psychologically overcome this for me. That is to become a rather tough, scary individual. To make up for my missing wall of fat, I am going to have to be able to fend someone off by hand. No, I am not kidding. I don't want to harm anybody, I just want to have the knowledge and physical ability to be able to eliminate any form of threat with just my body alone. I won't use a gun because I have children in the house and just can't, whenever someone I know has had one around, it's all I can think about, I can't live that way . (I am a card carrying member of the NRA, I just don't have a gun lol.) So, hand to hand it is.
Right now I feel vulnerable because for the next six to eight months I am not fit enough to really protect myself, and I am not fat enough to be invisible. Tricky. I do have a push knife that I take with me on walks. I know this sounds paranoid to people, but it is just the truth. There is only so much you can get rid of mentally. The rest of recovery takes time and reprogramming. I will get better about weight as time goes on and collect good associations, but I have to get there. It's kind of like being terrified of heights and the only way you are going to overcome your fear of heights is to climb mount everest. So, that is why every pound is a victory for me. When someone loses a half pound and I congratulate them I truly mean it. For some of us, this is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. I wish you all luck and to stay mentally conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them, hold them up against reality. This can be mentally exhausting but is necessary for you if you are going to keep going.
hugs and God bless,