After taking the weekend off to mentally prep for the next four months, or as carlos likes to say 'hop back on the Krab'...I realized that I was 226 in the morning and 229 at night. Of course, I feel good about that number....now. But I remember the last time i looked that number in the face. It was 2005. I had just found out I was pregnant. I was so scared because I knew I wasn't at a healthy weight. I KNEW that would make my pregnancy soooo much harder, it would increase my chances of toxemia and other complications. I didn't want to be pregnant. Oh, don't get me wrong. I wanted the baby, just not the pregnancy. It didn't matter, within a month and a half, I miscarried. The doctor told me "Maybe if you lost some weight, you would be better able to carry a pregnancy'. Did I lose weight? No. I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt I had 'killed' my baby. It doesn't make any rational sense, but you couldn't tell that to My negative thoughts. I never stopped to consider that maybe it wasn't my weight, that maybe it was hormonal, or one of many other things. It's funny how your insecurities latch on to the one probability guaranteed to make you feel like crap. I gained weight from there. I don't know what weight I started at. I started on May fourth of this year. I visibly lost weight before I ever hopped on the scale. When I weighed myself on May 18th, I was 262.4 lbs., 33 lbs heavier than before.
When I saw 229 tonight, I realized that instead of feeling defeated, I felt victorious. It's amazing what a change of mind can do. I am now on my way to under 200. I feel nervous. I have tried to get under 200 before, right after I had my youngest. I don't even remember now how long I tried. I know that I worked out like a demon, cut my calories to 1200 and I vividly remember stepping on the scale and seeing my weight GO UP. This was before I knew that you could kill your metabolism by lowering your calories too much. This was when I expected every drop to be a five pound drop, that my weight would melt off like ice in a thaw. I was younger and more impatient. Now I know that life goes on, weight loss or no. That I can spend every day worried and anxious or I can spend each day doing what needs to be done. Getting older has it's advantages. I haven't been under 200 lbs in eight years. Under 190 in nine years, under 179 in 11 years..under 156 in 13 years. I remember all these mile stones. Before, each number was a humiliating defeat, this time, it's a march of victory. I hope everyone had a very good day.
I will be logging in tomorrow with details, calories and such. I am so glad you guys are out there. Somehow it makes this easier.