Hows it going?
good, that's good (I am assuming you said well...we always say well or good...even if we don't really mean it...It's the polite thing to do)
I have been having a hard/strange week.
Well, actually a hard/strange year and a half.
It started when I went back to Michigan...
I think I spoke a while back about the oppressive fear I felt as I got lower in weight.
But I couldn't pinpoint the source.
Well, A few months back I was at the gym and was lying on a mat doing some stretching..
And I had a flash in my head of an incident that happened when I was around 10.
I won't get into all of it...but it was bad enough to cause a panic attack.
I know you guys know I talk about nearly everything on this blog..
Well, this didn't happen to me...it happened to a relative.
I just happened to be there, in the bunk above.
And apparently I repressed this particular memory....
And this act was done by the same person who had touched me inappropriately..
Only he did something to someone else.
So, I have been struggling for two months with this particular issue..
wondering (beyond the obvious) what it was that was bothering me so much...
well, I thought it was that I didn't say something...
In fact, I never told anyone what had happened to me till I was in my 30's, let alone what happened that night.
Well, I was wrong...It wasn't that I didn't tell anyone..
It was this...that When I was touched, It felt good...even though it was wrong.
I was 10...I think I internalized that...that there was something wrong with me for something like that to feel good when it was wrong.
I internalize shame.
well, looks like I am talking about it..what the hell...I talk about everything else.
I had a dream the other night..
In my dream I dreamt that an uncle touched me inappropriately...and it felt good.
and my aunt saw (now this uncle has never done any such thing.)
and I felt guilty for hurting my aunt, even though in my dream I didn't do anything to encourage this.
and I turn and ran.
And ran into kids from high school...ones who had picked on me...
and they were all laughing and smirking.
And when I woke up I realized that final Turd in my Chicken coup was this:
I was afraid there was something about ME that invited the abuse.
So I called on a very good friend to help me sort it out...
And as usual, she was very helpful..
First she said: Chris, we are wired to feel pleasure when touched sexually...the victim is always the victim...whatever else occurs.
I knew that intellectually...but well..you know...
She asked..In that dream, were you YOU...or was it that part of you...the young you, that you think you locked away and kept safe...were you an adult or a child?
I was a child.
At my core, the part of me that I tried to seperate from the abuse...I unconciously thought I was dirty and that I would hurt people by being sexually attractive.
That if I became thin...that I would become someone who was dirty or was wrong...or invited inappropriate behavior...
That my feeling of the touch feeling nice...the feeling being pleasurable was an indication that there was something inherently dirty or wrong with me...
And that translated into a need not only to protect myself from men..
But I thought I needed to protect me and others from MYSELF.
I was what I feared.
The me I thought was in there.
The normal things like getting attention, and then enjoying the attention...
would trigger a binge.
quite frankly it's a miracle I am sitting at this weight at all.
I think this was the hardest part of my chicken coop to unearth because it isn't something from without...it was something at the core of my belief about myself, that I refused to even acknowledge was there...
And it's a lie.
and unearthing it has helped.
When you bring something out into the sun and lay it bare...it loses it's power.
This was one of the most difficult things I have had to face.
But now that I have, I can be aware of my internal dialogue.
I can face it and refute the lies with the truth.
Nothing is there anymore..
There is no more there that can stop me.
I may have moments of fear..
But I know the cause.
So, Thank you all for listening to me all this time..and Thank you to my friend...
You have helped me more than you know.