Thanks for all the kind comments..I appreciated them.
I read them two or three times..
and to the people who heard themselves in there, it made writing that out worthwhile.
If I can help people by being honest..then it gives some value to the past.
My friend who talked me through this last bit also stated that I third person all of my stories of my childhood...as if they happened to someone else.
So I have been writing things that happened to me using the word I..
to connect me to my childhood.
I am writing things like..
I was hurt...
I was hit...etc.
So I am facing the things that happened and 'reintegrating' that portion of my life.
Reintegrating my child part to the adult part...to the adult ME.
But I wouldn't be where I am today If I hadn't started...
And I started simply by stopping..
I stopped eating to cover the pain.
Now initially I started eating when I was young as a coping mechanism to fulfill needs that weren't being met..
By the time I was morbidly obese..
The fat had started to create it's own problems that masked the initial issues.
So it went like this...
I was in need of emotional support or love..
I would reach out..and instead of recieving love or support
I recieved pain and abuse.
I stopped trying to get love from people..
and began to numb the feelings with food.
I did it so long that I forgot how to ask for love and acceptance..
And in fact didn't even realize anything was missing..
then I got fatter and fatter, and my world got smaller and smaller...
my fat protected me from new situations...
I could always say
No thank you..
I am not going to do________.
and then my fat was alienating my spouse and hindering my life..
which would cause pain I didn't know how to deal with..
except through eating..
Until one day I said enough.
And I had to stop eating.
And it took awhile, but those feelings came back.
And I had to deal with the feelings..
Not only that, but when you begin to change one part of your life..
All the other parts start to shift and rearrange.
If you are morbidly obese...your life is set up in a way that will keep you fat..
your activities and daily habits are set.
Your friends and your family expect certain things from you...certain habits and mental attributes...
Change one thing and it is like a clock with all of it's gears..
one gear is out of place..the others have to be adjusted.
Some gears are rusty and don't want to be adjusted...some are great
and some have to be removed entirely.
These other gears can be friends, family, or your own feelings and inability to cope..
You have now got all these new feelings and hurdles to jump..
And you no longer have your old coping mechanism.
And that is where you will have to have willpower and the determination
AND THE REASONS
you want to change.
Your REASON/S have to be bigger than the reasons why not..
Because you are walking into a storm..and the only thing that is going to be able to pull you through that is your reason for being there...
No sane person would run into a burning building to look good..
But you would if your kids were there..
What if your life was there?
And the only way to get it back was to brave the flames?
Well, that is what this is.
It's about your life.
But If you can do this..holding on and making for yourself, new coping mechanisms.
If you can learn how to reach out, to ask for help...to make new habits..new patterns.
If you are willing to let go of your crutch..
If you are willing to tell others no...
No to that old you..and give them the reasons why..
The people who love you will back you.
And the people who use you will leave...
And this honesty and improvement will spread to every aspect of your life.
You will succeed..
It's the first six months mentally that are the toughest.
If you get past those and keep going
WHILE DEALING WITH YOUR STUFF
AND NOT PUSHING IT OFF.
You will succeed.
Pushing it off only means you have to deal with it later.
Sometimes there were so many layers you can only find them by continuing to dig...continuuing to grow.
It can be very tiring.
I am tired.
But...I am done.
I know all my mental traps and pitfalls.
I know what's going on in here.
So this last bit, while the hardest..
has, of course, had the biggest payoff.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend..
And for the first time I didn't have the urge to flee in the middle of the conversation.
You see, for forever I had a feeling while I was talking to people I didn't know very well..
That I wasn't very interesting, or didn't have much to say..
I think I even said on here once..
before I got better..
that if you met me in real life and weren't close to me..
You wouldn't recognize me from this blog.
And while I was talking to her...
(she is very confident..very sure of herself..and she has always made me nervous)
I realized I had been talking a full ten minutes and hadn't gotten that panicky, suffocated "I must escape" feeling I usually get.
I almost stopped and said something it was so fantastic!
but I didn't...
I felt okay.
I felt normal.
I felt happy.
And I wanted that moment to be normal...and okay.
I even invited her to my house for coffee a week or so from now..
she has invited me all over the place..
and I hadn't invited her.
And I finally did.
So, just keep going.
You'll get there.