I have been emotionally drained over the last few days...
What I figured out three days ago has really made me re examine nearly everything..
I have been having vivid dreams where I am trying to protect my daughter's from danger..
I think you all remember a year or so back..all those nightmares about dying children..
This is less dire and more direct...
no more subtext, just in your face fears finally come into the open.
Where they can be dealt with.
I finally realized that my childhood is not something I can lock away in a box..
And I can not create a whole new person...because I don't need to.
I have to accept that it has affected everything...
from how I relate to people..
to how I perceive my interactions with others..
And I have realized something..
There isn't anything wrong with me...
I am not abnormal.
I am very average..and when I take away that film that covers everything..
that somehow I am deficient.
That I have to make sure i don't intrude...or don't burden...
or don't bother..
You know, you don't have to do that with your true friends.
I have some spectacular friends..
friends I can sit down and talk about anything with..
open minded, intellectual and rigorous.
I also have friends who are kind and spiritual..
But one thing all my friends have in common...
They accept me for me.
And I accept them for who they are...it is a two way street.
They know I am not only opinionated, but welcome other's opinions.
I don't expect others to think like me...
In fact, if I suspected they were attempting to mollify me with agreement..
I would be repulsed.
And if there is one thing I have learned it's this..
It's better to be rejected for who you are then who you pretend to be...
I know rejection is some people's biggest fear, I think it used to be mine...
I faced a lot of rejection as a kid...mostly adults dealing with their own stuff.
I didn't know that then, I know that now.
I thought it was me...something in me...
And as I look at that, and how it shaped me..
And the fantastic people I have had in my life who have helped me see things clearly..
GOOD people I am convinced God placed in my path so I could keep going...
I have realized that If I can have every part of me damaged while still interacting with good people..
Imagine the people who never had the chance.
I am speaking now of my stepdad.
Acknowledging that there wasn't even a part of me that really escaped from 10 years of abuse, made me stop and acknowledge that he dealt with 18 years of physical abuse.
And who knows what else.
I think this last key is really a key to understanding..
Understanding that while we can try to get in someone's head and understand their motives..
or what their intentions are...
We will never completely understand where another person is coming from.
That person's perspective is a conglomeration of life events, that..even if described in detail...can never be lived by another human being.
Sometimes people don't mesh, for whatever reason.
All we can do is be true to who we are...
And try to do better..
Try to love..
And if people can't see our heart..or perhaps we simply can't see another's point of view..
Sometimes in life, people just can't.
Can't be our friend..
Can't be a parent..or a sister, brother, mother, father or whatever role they need to fulfill.
Maybe life is just too much...maybe they don't know how...
or maybe it's just not what they need at this time.
I used to take every sign of rejection as a judgement of my failure as a human being.
And maybe sometimes it is..
but it doesn't mean that I am a failure..
or not loveable.
It's just people doing what people do..
after a little bit of feeling down earlier.
I got on the phone for two hours with a very good friend..
And I was just me..a little opinionated, a little obnoxious..
and she was a little opinionated and a little obnoxious.
And we laughed, and we understood each other.
And it felt good.