The unspoken fear...

Hey guys...
Hows it going.
I weighed in this morning at 156.
I am down 6 pounds since the beginning of my challenge.
I haven't talked about my weight for a long time.
I went through a very long period of struggle with emotions..with food...with everything.
Over a year really.
I didn't talk about it on here because I couldn't.
I really didn't know what to say.
the only thing that saved me from a big gain was exercise.
Exercise has been my savior from the get go.
Once I hit the 140's..I had such a  ball of fear that I had to go day by day with it.
I couldn't figure out where the fear came from.
The only thing that made it go away was food.
The only time over the past year to a year and a half that I didn't need sleeping pills was when I binged before bed.
Then I had a little break through a few months back..
and I realized the source of my fear...
It was a fear of men in general..and a fear of the me I might be when I become thin.
It hasn't taken that ball of fear away...it has lessened it.
I know what to say to myself when it rises up within me.
I still have urges to eat, but the urge passes much quicker than it did a year ago.
I have a why bigger than just a smaller ass.
And I have been on a kind of slow roll for a while now.
I see no need to pick up the pace because I think I have hit on how my life will be forever.
I need to eat around 1700 calories a day and exercise every day but sunday.
If I miscalculate..or have a special day where I have a piece of pie..
I will have enough leeway built in that It won't affect my weight.
I will never again eat two or three plate fulls of anything.
I don't want to.
Food doesn't do it for me anymore.
And I know it before I even begin.
That is huge...for a while I still thought of food as a comfort.
Now I realize that food misused has become a source of pain for me.
A source of becoming something I never want to be again...

It's just long, low and slow.
Like how I began..
only now I accept it.
And I have moved on to working on the rest of my life.
But during this third year...
there was an unspoken fear that I would regain all of my lost weight.
I have NEVER maintained a weight loss.
I have NEVER controlled my weight.
I finally realized the other day that
I have done it, I am doing it..
so if you secretly fear you may regain...especially if you had  regained in excess of ten pounds...for me it was 14 before I managed to step on a scale and face it and me.
Just know you can get it back off...
and doing it  now..
as opposed to waiting...
It is really just a day to day thing for everyone...there will be ups and downs.
Just don't let the ups go too far up...
face it, and get it back down.
Know your why...and over time your why may change.
When I started...I wanted to be able to climb stairs and breathe when I lay down.
I got to the point where I could do an hour on the stairmaster...
What then?
Well, that's for you to decide.
All I know is that to maintain and keep going, you have to keep evolving...keep changing and keep a why in place.
Set new goals and attain them.
And  you will never again be who you were.
Chris out.


E. Jane said...

You spoke the truth...the elephant in the room is fear of regain and fear of ourselves as thin persons.

I don't think we really know who we are, or at least we doubt who we think we are. There's a lot of confusion, fear and anxiety. Sometimes it's easier to be overweight than to deal with the fear...and then the regain. That's why we sometimes settle for just an OK weight that may be 20 pounds higher than it should be. We justify it by reminding ourselves that we have already lost a lot of weight, but the fear makes us stop short. I have come to the conclusion that unless I see this through to a healthy weight, I am doomed to regain. I think it's the same for a lot of overweight people.

We just have to push ourselves over the hump. If we can get there, our chances for long term success are very good. I'm still pushing--after all these years.

Bless all of us as we struggle with this condition.

Retta said...

"And you will never again be who you were."

Love that sentence! And I believe it, too.

Sheilagh said...

You verbalise o many of my thoughts it is scarey! Here I am at 62 years of age STILL struggling... so glad you got it sorted so young xx

Helen said...

Lots of good stuff here Chris but what sticks out to me is you realizing that you 'have' been maintaining your weight. Know what's true? People know how to maintain their weight whether they are in maintenance or they are binging. One way or the other you're maintaining your weight...

Karla said...

I love this. The person I am today is new and beautiful. I release that woman I was yesterday and embrace this new and evolving me :)

Caron said...

"Just don't let the ups go too far up...face it, and get it back down." This is critical to success in maintenance. That is why Weight Watchers allows us two pounds over our goal weight before they start charging us again for attending meetings. It is our wake-up call to cut back and get back on track.

Great post!

Jeanette said...

Great post. I was very much in a similar situation (down to 131, stepped on the scale after a hard (almost) year emotionally and saw 148, sigh!) ... But I am back in control now. It was hard and it was a wake-up call that this journey is just that, a journey, and there is no end goal aside from staying strong.

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'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Your truth telling is jarring yet soothing at the same time. Chris, I always know I will find insight when I head over to your blog. It's really just a wonderful thing...
I do find that I have all new goals now that the weight is no longer with me. I look further into the future and see myself as healthy and strong. I STILL don't always recognize myself in pictures and have found that sometimes I think I might see the old me in a new picture. It is weird and I think has something to do with not trusting who I am since I was never allowed to know who that is for so long.
Thanks again for sharing your journey. I wish there was a way to calculate how many pounds lost out here can be attributed to you in some way. :)

bbubblyb said...

We have the same fears, I think that's why I get so much out of your words. I don't think you could ever regain too much, you just wouldn't tolerate it lol. I do think having new goals is a must. I'm so excited about yours :)

~ChubbyMommy said...

"Know your 'why'"....

Love this that you've written...

Good stuff to remember...