Hows it going.
I weighed in this morning at 156.
I am down 6 pounds since the beginning of my challenge.
I haven't talked about my weight for a long time.
I went through a very long period of struggle with emotions..with food...with everything.
Over a year really.
I didn't talk about it on here because I couldn't.
I really didn't know what to say.
the only thing that saved me from a big gain was exercise.
Exercise has been my savior from the get go.
Once I hit the 140's..I had such a ball of fear that I had to go day by day with it.
I couldn't figure out where the fear came from.
The only thing that made it go away was food.
The only time over the past year to a year and a half that I didn't need sleeping pills was when I binged before bed.
Then I had a little break through a few months back..
and I realized the source of my fear...
It was a fear of men in general..and a fear of the me I might be when I become thin.
It hasn't taken that ball of fear away...it has lessened it.
I know what to say to myself when it rises up within me.
I still have urges to eat, but the urge passes much quicker than it did a year ago.
I have a why bigger than just a smaller ass.
And I have been on a kind of slow roll for a while now.
I see no need to pick up the pace because I think I have hit on how my life will be forever.
I need to eat around 1700 calories a day and exercise every day but sunday.
If I miscalculate..or have a special day where I have a piece of pie..
I will have enough leeway built in that It won't affect my weight.
I will never again eat two or three plate fulls of anything.
I don't want to.
Food doesn't do it for me anymore.
And I know it before I even begin.
That is huge...for a while I still thought of food as a comfort.
Now I realize that food misused has become a source of pain for me.
A source of becoming something I never want to be again...
It's just long, low and slow.
Like how I began..
only now I accept it.
And I have moved on to working on the rest of my life.
But during this third year...
there was an unspoken fear that I would regain all of my lost weight.
I have NEVER maintained a weight loss.
I have NEVER controlled my weight.
I finally realized the other day that
I HAVE BEEN CONTROLLING MY WEIGHT FOR THREE YEARS...or very nearly three years.
I have done it, I am doing it..
so if you secretly fear you may regain...especially if you had regained in excess of ten pounds...for me it was 14 before I managed to step on a scale and face it and me.
Just know you can get it back off...
and doing it now..
as opposed to waiting...
It is really just a day to day thing for everyone...there will be ups and downs.
Just don't let the ups go too far up...
face it, and get it back down.
Know your why...and over time your why may change.
When I started...I wanted to be able to climb stairs and breathe when I lay down.
I got to the point where I could do an hour on the stairmaster...
Well, that's for you to decide.
All I know is that to maintain and keep going, you have to keep evolving...keep changing and keep a why in place.
Set new goals and attain them.
And you will never again be who you were.