mini rant and another good day

My calories were higher than I would have liked due to a trip to barnes and nobles with my girls and a certain piece of banana bread that I had thought was 360 calories but instead was 490. ouch.
1700 calories in today. ack.
Did my 20/20/20 and burned 400 calories.
200 calorie deficit...not great but it was a deficit and a clue to be more careful in the future.
My youngest had drama club...she had to pick a fairy tail and act it out in her own way...
She chose rapunzel, and we (meaning Kate and I) helped her find a unique approach..
she became RAPpunzel....hip hop diva who didn't need a prince 'in a fancy cape..I'll use physics to enact my escape"
Sophie actually came up with the part where the prince pops up and says
"Yo rap-punzel You so fair, please let down your golden hair"
And rap-punzel says
Hey, baby....I know I'm fair, But I don't want to let down my golden hair hair...
She tells him she is going to get an education, then she rappels down the tower with determination.
I love spending time with my kids.
on the other hand...lately i have been spending alot of time with my oldest daughter.
And the things she tells me about her friends and their parents is enough to turn my hair gray.
She showed me her best friends blog.
her best friend is 18 years old.
She doesn't have a drivers license and gets atrocious grades.
She hates her mother...calls her the hag.
her mother is supposed to be a christian but runs around mocking illegals and calling democrats demoncrats. She states she can't tell her mother anything because her mother will tell the church and then everyone will know..
She called her mother a 'foolish, gossipy woman'.
If that were me, I would be so hurt and ashamed that my daughter thought that of me.
Her mother never encourages her to improve her grades...but is very controlling in everything she does. She tells her where to go, and what to do all the time. She treats her like she is 5 or 6 instead of 18. Like, she was going to vote for the first time and her mother TOOK HER BALLOT AND WAS GOING TO MARK IT FOR HER.

Until the girl insisted on having it back.

Then another of Kate's friends had a mother who was a drug addict.
Kate met this girl a few years ago in summer school ( I thought it would help Kate adjust to public school). At that time, the girl stated that she had been kicked out of two previous schools and that her mother was making her buy her own dress code clothing for the current school..at the time I thought It was a good mom trying to get her daughter to take responsibility for the decisions she had been making.
Today I found out something completely different.
The woman is a drunk and an addict and called the young lady "It".
This young lady just went to live with her grandmother.
Another of Kate's friends has parents who, when told their son wanted to be a writer and would be majoring in English, told him he could 'never do it' and that he ought to try to be a mechanic or some such.
Look, I know people are all different. But when I look at why teenagers don't talk to their parents I am starting to get the impression that a lot of this is on the parents.
Parents should be their childrens biggest encourager.
Look, I know all about bad parenting, I was subject to it in my youth.
But my mom gave me a lot of good things that kind of compensated for some of the bad.
I know parents want what is best for their children...but it seems to me that some of these people view their children as an extra limb or an extension of the parent's self worth.
Not as separate and independent people who are in the process of finding out who they are and what they want to do with their lives.
My husband actually does this to an extent.
The other day he went into my daughter's room and unplugged her computer ( my 16 year old's room) because she hadn't cleaned it.
Now, I know many would say "well, you are the parents...and you have the right to insist she keep her room decent".
And I buy that to an extent.
But here's the thing that I think alot of people just don't get.
She is 16..and the night before he did this she had a crap ton of homework.
she didn't have time to clean it up.
He dismantled her computer area.
She had to come home, reassemble everything just to get started on her homework.
She has honors and ap classes.
As an adult she will have times when the house work will have to be let go to get some other stuff done...then she will get to it.
It's my opinion we need to start letting her set her own schedule in some regards and stop breathing down her neck all the time.
She is very capable, competent.
I say let her Have her own space.
My husband's mother still treats her (grown) sons as semi incompetent sometimes.
I don't want Tim doing that to our girls.
My oldest told me "As I have grown you have treated me older".
It's the most self affirming thing you can do...trust your kids.
Allow them to make their own choices.
Love them and believe in them, cheer them on.
facilitate their dreams...you aren't losing them...you are setting them free and any kid who has parents who believe in them, cheer them on, and trust them.
Well, they'll be back to share their lives...lives you can be proud of!
rant over.
Sometimes I want to adopt random children.
have a great night,


Beth said...

Love this post. So sorry for those other teens, how difficult and shocking life is for so many. And too true about your daughter, great perspective.

And yeah, yesterday I had a "retroactive calorie increase" because I'd forgotten to note something down in my food diary. Very annoying. Don't like those surprise historical intake increases!

E. Jane said...

My heart goes out to those girls with such negative parenting. I hope they can overcome what they are observing and being taught in those homes. Good for you, Chris, for taking such care with your kids. You will never regret it, and neither will they.

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

Chris, as a not-yet-but-soon-to-be (not pregnant yet, no) parent, I LOVE reading about your thoughts on parenting. They are so in line with how I *think* I will be, or want to be as a parent. My heart breaks for kids who are raised poorly, whether it's because they aren't given love or independence or the ability to be who they really are. I hope that compassion will make me a better mom, when the time comes.

Anonymous said...

Not knowing everything that goes on in the others' lives, I try not to critique them, but it sure seems as if their parenting is awry. I am sure that could be said about me too though. I do have to say that I am pleased to see my oldest son developing into a mature, responsible young man. I consider that a sign of success in parenting, although I am sure a big part of it was simply luck.

Make it a great day Chris!

~South Beach Steve

Amber said...

I still stand by my thought that some people should not have kids!!
I feel so bad for those kids who, by no choice of their own, are stuck in a family that is not a good positive and healthy home!! But sometimes those kids are the ones who fight their way out of it and make a point to do better and help other kids in similar situations!
I pray those kids/ young adults will do well in life if no other reason than to spite the parents!!
You and your family can be friends and a good influence for those kids!

Lanie said...

That's a great post! All of us parents need to remember that parenting (whether we like it or not) is a process of "letting go". Not easy, but necessary.

Robin said...

You have the same complex that I have. I call it BAND-AID THE WORLD. You see all of this bad and you just want to love it right. You know that there is a better way if people will just open their eyes and hearts. The problem is that you can't save everyone. You actually can't save anyone. All you can do is give people the tools to save themselves. That is what you are doing as the great parent that you are: you are giving your girls the tools to survive whatever situation that hits them in the world so that they can save themselves. You are an AWESOME mom.