So if you are responsible for how people treat you...then how can you get them to treat you differently.
I had to learn how to draw boundaries.
The most difficult boundaries I had to learn to draw were with my husband.
He had a habit of being very blunt and sometimes just downright mean in how he spoke to me.
When he was in a mood I had learned to 'tip toe' around him and I would try to make things easier or smooth things over so he would get in a better mood.
At first I would try to be super cheerful.
Here is the funny thing.
He never cheered up till he had made me sad or angry.
So after I had my little revelation about how I was responsible for how people treat me,
I realized that by coddling him in his temper tantrums...trying to smooth things over, I was encouraging the very behavior I was hoping to put an end to.
He was trying to 'punish' me when he was in a bad mood..and I was ALLOWING it.
So...once I realized this I decided to no longer participate.
This was very scary for me...I have had a fear from childhood that I was unlovable, so actually learning to demand loving behavior was scary...but I learned to do it.
When he decided to be an ass... the bad mood would go something like this...
He couldn't find something...he would start tossing the house in his attempt to find something.;
I would run around like a maniac trying to help him find it.
On the day I decided to change...I was doing something..laundry I think.
He says..I can't find _______
I say "I'm sorry to hear that..I will help you look shortly"
He goes into house tossing mode.
I ask him to quit because He just makes a bigger mess for me to pick up.
He gets snide.
I left the house.
I don't think he actually believed it.
I came back in a few hours.
I told him I wouldn't be talked to like that...and next time if he wanted help he would have to ask in a nice manner.
did that automatically fix everything
It takes consistency.
Do not allow anyone to talk to you in a snide or condescending matter.
Here is a good, concrete example.
now I know you might have gotten a bad impression yesterday.
We have talked about it since and I don't think she meant to imply any such thing.
In fact I told her I felt that I was a burden and why (part of diggin out my chicken coup) and she was SHOCKED.
but I digress.
My mother expects a clean house.
We all know it.
No one would walk through her house with shoes on.
When she pulls into the drive way you should see people hop to...picking up any mess they have left lying about and straightening stuff....
in one particularly amusing episode, I watched my stepdad notice it was ten minutes till mom got home and he realized he had not unloaded the dishwasher.
he was out there, unloading it.
My mom has taught people what she expects.
We do it all the time, in every relationship we are in...we establish boundaries and then we test those boundaries.
Sometimes those boundaries take negotiation.
I am almost positive every married person has a boundary of 'no cheating'.
it's a line you don't cross unless you want some pretty serious consequences.
Well, the boundaries in my marriage up till 2006-2007 were almost all on my husband's side and when I started drawing some of my own....there was resistance.
But draw them, because when you do, your husband will respect you for it.
Don't allow him to talk to you in a way you wouldn't allow a store clerk or a friend.
Expect him to remember important dates and anniversaries.
Expect him to be comforting and loving.
And when his isn't...state your feelings calmly and be prepared to deliver consequences.
I once didn't make him dinner after he had talked to me in a condescending manner.
IF he hurts my feelings, I let it show and I tell him. I don't let him off the hook until he apologizes.
In one infamous instance, I allowed his gas on E to remain on E even when I knew because he had done it to me on a night when I had to pick up my oldest. I barely made it to the gas station. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said he forgot...when I asked if he was sorry he said no.
So when I happened to notice his on E...( I was forever filling up his tank) I just didn't say anything.
He nearly ran out of gas and I gave him the same response.
New attitude achieved.
If he is crappy with me when 'asking' me to do something I simply won't do it until the correct attitude is achieved. I am not his doormat.
The way I am treated, and the way I expect to be treated are 180 degrees different now. And this didn't start once I got skinny...this started three years ago.
If someone isn't willing to treat you well, and won't change...
I would suggest that perhaps they are unable to love anyone and it doesn't have a thing to do with you.
And you deserve better.
Now suppose it's your mother. You call her and she is running you down for some reason...maybe it's her standard operating procedure...something like "Oh dear, being forgetful is so like you...you never did have your head on straight."
You say, "Funny, I never forget things anymore...people who know me tell me that I am the most competent person they know."
If she keeps at it then tell her straight out "mom, next time you come at me with negativity I am hanging up."
Let her eat that one.
draw lines in the sand that people don't want to cross unless they want to draw back a bloody nub.
three eggs 1 toast 310
1 bowl soup 320 cal.
1 banana 100 cal.
2 cups coffee 240 cal.
1 pita pizza 480 cal.
total calories 1450
today 3 mile walk
I will be doing a 3 mile walk tomorrow as well...
my right leg is a little gimpy so I am giving it a chance to rest.
have a great night guys,