12.08.2010

mikreh-How I overcame my mental struggles part 1

I have been thinking about this post all day.
I don't even know how to address this to someone who doesn't know how much they are worth apart from how humans view you.
so I won't even try.
You can't teach or believe something you don't really believe.
I don't think anyone on this planet is an accident or 'unplanned'.
I don't believe in coincidence.
Did you know there is no hebrew word for coincidence?
There is the hebrew word Mikreh which simply means it happened from God...which is about the farthest thing from coincidence there is.
That is fate.
YOu were planned from the foundations of the earth...
That is a truth that is good and pure and one you can hold on to.

Before we go any deeper into it at this point I would say that it is not only important to know your weaknesses, It is also important to know your strengths.
So quick.
Name three things you are good at.
1.) Knowing that God loves me.
2.) persistence (sticking to what I know is right...I am NOT A QUITTER)
3.) I have no expectations that life is fair.

Once you have your three things, write them down and put them in your pocket so you will remember.

These three things brought me through a multitude of bad times.
Even when I didn't have a lot of the coping skills I currently have.
Knowing what your strengths are is key to overcoming your weaknesses.
You will be able to fall back on them when you are skill building.

I want to talk about the biggest lie I accepted as truth.
The lie that I was unlovable.
I knew God loved me...but for much of my life I had run into people (particularly men) who couldn't love. My biological father abandoned my mom while she was pregnant with me.
The man she married nicknamed me stupid (as well as being physically, and mentally abusive...)
I had an older brother who had a lot of issues, so he kind of sucked up all the oxygen in the room.
Especially with my mom.
I learned early to be the 'good one'.
I never complained. I never asked for help...
My mom was very honest and basically told me that I was the product of a one night stand..and that she could have gotten an abortion but didn't.
I don't think she meant that the way it sounded...but after that I always viewed myself as a ' burden to her.
But I did know that I was no accident, because I believed in God.
So it wasn't that God didn't love me, it was just that people didn't.
(which was untrue-It was just that I was with the wrong group of people.)
At least that was my faulty thinking...I just didn't realize that I was thinking it...till I started examining my relationships with people and my motivations for doing the things I was doing.

My thinking I was unlovable brought me to a place where I never told anyone when I was sad, or disappointed or angry or happy even.

I kept it all to myself..trying to be a rock of Gibraltar.
I did this especially to my husband.
I couldn't see how he could love me So I tried to take care of everything and never ask him for anything..to be frank, it turned him into a spoiled rotten brat in the relationship department.
When we were dating he bought me things and did things for me...
When we got married I did everything..
And it got to the point where I never got a christmas gift, or a birthday present or a card.
Because through my own actions...I taught him how to treat me.
I taught him how to view me...and silently I told him through my actions what I thought of myself.
At that time in 2005 (when I was at my bottom but realizing finally what I was lacking).
I received an invite to my little brothers wedding...
I knew that I wanted to go and that I wanted to go alone...5 days alone..
I also knew my husband was in no shape to handle the kids so I did my first act in my self reclamation project...
I ASKED FOR HELP.
i called my mother in law.
I asked someone to put themselves out just for me.
And she did.
I asked, I got.
a Revelation indeed.
To read about my trip to vegas go here:

When I got back from that trip I KNEW my relationship with my husband would have to change...and that I was going to start with me..that it may get ugly...it may even end.
But I couldn't live like that anymore.
It was a choice.
Well..after all that reading, ya'll are probably tired.
so...you are lovable...and you treat people how to treat you by what you allow or don't allow.
You do deserve better.

My food today
21/2 eggs (don't ask) 175 cal.
1 piece toast 100 cal (275)

2 cups coffee with 4 T sugar and 1/2 cup milk (245 cal.)

Then made a honkin salad which I split in half
5.5 ounces iceburg lettuce 23 cal.
3 ounces bell pepper 15 cal
3.5 ounces tomato 18 cal.
7.7 ounces chicken 230 calories (boneless skinless breast)
4 T light dressing 100 cal.
1/4 cup 2 percent shredded chedder (80 cal.)
Total calories: 466
I split this in two..had half for lunch and then the other half for dinner

dinner
4.5 ounces of chicken 193 cal.
1/2 cup sweet potato mashed 90 cal.
1 T butter 100
1 T brown sugar 30 (413)
other half of above salad...calories already counted.

1 candy cane 40 calories
total for the day 1439....woohooooo!
Day two on program
oh,
and exercise...
back to the gym-45 minutes precor 430 calories
one mile walk 100 calories
158 situps...no real idea so 50 calories
total: 580 calories burned.
All deficit baby...lol.
so two day deficit total
650 plus 580
1230 calories..a few more like the last two and the first pound is GONE.
lol.
Have a great night guys.
Hugs,
Chris

6 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

Good stuff in this post, Chris. And it has left me with some things to think about re: teaching people how to treat me. Thanks.

And I'm fine. Thanks for your concern. My 'seat' time allows for reading posrs OR writing posts--not both. I'm hoping to do a post today. :)

Deb

Katie J said...

Chris this is a great post. I have really been battling with thoughts of my worthiness...

I know in my rational mind that I am worth it but I have a lot of self-doubt swimming in my noggin lately. I think part of it is the discovery of my biological family and all the "skeletons" that came along with that. I am glad I found them but it has shaken me to the core too.

My parents(adopted)could not have children and I believe I was born to fulfill their desire for children. I just wish I had been a better daughter in my youth but I can't redo it so I just have to accept it and move forward.

Sorry, I did not mean to hog your comments but this post really hit close to home for me.

:Hugs:

Christine said...

lol....hog my comments...not an issue today me thinks. lol. Thank you both for sharing.

Amber said...

((((HUGS)))

Glad you know your worth a lot!
And I'm glad to call you a friend!

Last two posts were great! You are so honest and straight! Something many people need, and you give it.

Robin said...

I read this post and the other one. It really is a journey. I don't believe in coincidence either. Never have. Really great post. Posts actually.

Putz said...

my food for the day was an attitude change<><><>love ya chris