It's late here and I will be getting to bed soon. I just wanted to Blog about something that has been bothering me lately. Almost all my life I have felt second best. Second best wife, second best friend, second best daughter. Never have I ever felt top of the heap. You know...one of those lucky people who just seem to shine. A person everyone loves and wants to be around. Eventually I say something a little too truthful, or blunt, or strange and bam...that's it. Relegated to second rung. In high school, my friend asked me what I thought of her boyfriend. I told her what I knew to be facts, I told her...the truth. I didn't tell her the truth to hurt her, I never do...I told her because I really cared that she was going to get hurt... whoops. We didn't talk for the rest of the year and into the next...that is until her boyfriend got what he came for and did what i said he would. Then we talked. I say this not to elicit pity, but to explain part of the reason I gained weight. Maybe some of you can relate.
It comes from always expecting and always ACCEPTING second best. I never expect people to want to be friends, because secretly, (now not so secretly) I feel second best. I allow people I love and who supposedly love me to talk to me in ways that are quite atrocious. I act like I have a thick skin, but really, I don't. I feel slights, hurts and derision as much as the next person. I just had years of practice hiding it behind a false smile and a wisecrack (and 130 lbs). Starting tomorrow, I am going to start expecting people to talk to me, to treat me, the way I would treat them. This is probably going to get ugly. I will be accused of a great many things, things which are someone's opinion of how I should feel, what I should think, and what I should accept. That's okay, better ugly on the outside than ugly on the inside. I am not talking about hypersensitivity, just basic, common civility. Period. You see, when you allow others to treat you like you're substandard, you begin to believe it...and you start to see and treat yourself the same way.
I am not second best in God's eyes. He created me, Chris, to be just who I am. To him I am beautiful. I hide in crowds a lot. I am afraid to be just who I am because maybe no one will like who I am.
I remember in my teen years, I was training to be a counselor at the YMCA. I was so impressed with these girls who were so self assured. One girl in particular had a great sense of irony. I will never forget it. Our main counselor, Cammie, asked one of us to "toss her a chair"...and this girl did just that...tossed it to her. Everybody laughed, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I never would have done that. I would have been too afraid of what she might think, even though in the instant she said it, I had the exact same thought that the other girl had. Toss it to her. The girl who tossed the chair was just me...without the fear. My childhood pummeled the fun, spontaneity and play right out of me...figuratively and literally. It left anger, determination, persistence and hard work in it's wake. Now I am going back to retrieve the rest of it. I, like "normal' people, am going to expect the best in life and in people. I am going to expect people to treat me like they would want to be treated. I am going to take time for fun and not feel bad. I am going to realize that just because someone voices their opinion as fact, it's just that, an opinion. As the old saying goes, opinions are like...well, you can get the rest. I am no longer going to accept someone Else's opinion as my truth. I am not going to allow other's opinions to hurt me, or make me angry. I am going to tell them what to do with their (unasked for ) opinion. You know why, because as long as I am not harming someone or hurting someone I should be able to count on my friends and family to love me exactly as God created me. IF they don't then they aren't worth the emotional upheavel to start with. I have a feeling this will weed out the bad seeds in my life, I hope you all can do the same. Stayed under my calories and walked .8 of a mile tonight with a stuffed up nose and a headache...yeah me! Good night all.
Lettin' my freak flag fly,