6.01.2009

Losing weight

Well,
Over the years I have focused on a lot of things. Many had to do with personal growth, trying to be a more thoughtful, more spiritual person. In some ways I have gotten to where I want to be, but as anyone who has tried to mature quickly knows, there is no way to mature quickly. Unfortunately, no matter how many self help books we read, how we pray pray pray for wisdom, Wisdom and empathy come through experience and experience comes with time spent living. There is no Shortcut. I mean, you can learn the obvious things like don't do drugs, or don't commit adultery. The really difficult things to learn are "Thou shalt not judge". Or, "Even though you are in your mid thirties, you still don't know everything". YOu might think you are wise enough not to judge, but then go around secretly pointing out other's failings in your own mind, all the while diligently ignoring the failings in your own life. I spent a few years judging someone who I know and love for an alcohol addiction. In my mind, It was just selfishness etc. Well, in my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alchohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of alot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. I was giving my body to him. Really giving it over and not reserving anything. I don't have the power to beat this because I have been going off of 'will power' and it had never worked. I asked God to show me my heart, and he did. I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me. If I don't address this now I will only get fatter. I am not pleasantly plump, or chubby, I am obese, It is serious, I could die. I am 255 lbs. I have lost 10 lbs so far. Since I started on May 4th, I have had a few times when I have had urges for food not related to hunger, but nothing above what I could bear. I hope people reading this will pray for me. I have to do this for many reasons and I think I will name a reason every time I post. Here is the First one.

1.) I want to be there when my daughters get married. I don't want them standing in the mirror and wishing I were there. I want to help them get ready, calm their nerves, give them advice and be a good example.

5 comments:

cmoursler said...

hello, just testing out comments section.

HiddenJewel said...

Yay! I found your blog this week and was disappointed when I couldn't comment last night.
I just wanted to give a sister a bit of encouragement. I'm so excited about what the Lord is doing in you! He has a wonderful plan for your life and He WILL walk with you through this into total victory if you will just keep holding His hand and obey His voice.
I'm praying for you!

HiddenJewel said...

Oh, yes, I also have a recipe for a Mexican Veggie stew if you're interested. (I noticed your post on Lyn's blog and it's what brought me here.)

Amber said...

Yea it works!!! Now I can tell ya how I really feel. haha
I'm so glad God is guiding you through this. And I'm next door for any more support you need. You have been a great help and friend to me and I wish you the best in life! You can do this!!!
(now just keep my butt in gear) :)
ak

cmoursler said...

thanks you guys, and to hidden jewel...I would love a mexican veggie stew recipe. I love mexican food. (obviously :O)!) and amber, ditto. I think you can do this as well.
hugs,
chris