Well, I wrote what I wrote yesterday. After I wrote it I dreamed that I was going to show what I wrote to my kids, I went into this house and it was empty except for these blinds that were all over the place, I opened them and they had the word truth written on them. I will think about that more later. It seemed pretty straight forward so it shouldn't take too much thought. I woke up feeling tired again, even though I 'got enough' sleep. I didn't eat my way through anything so that was a plus. I did sit upstairs for six hours watching old soap clips on youtube. So, I was sitting downstairs this morning watching project runway on Bravo (free preview this month) and it dawned on me, what I thought was depression is really just anger. I have been angry for years. I always knew church was good for me, it kept my thoughts straight. It kept me moving forward, gave me words to live by, gave me a good father figure. I just never realized how much of my time spent going to church was a release valve for my anger. I used to eat to feel calm. I can't do that anymore. I used to draw, I don't do that anymore. Half the time I listen to talk radio which doesn't calm anyone down. I love music, think I will do more of that. Letting go of my eating crutch has caused a glitch in the system. So now, I have to deal with my ANGER. (says the hulk). Process it and let it go.
Now I know what my husband was talking about, you see he had a kind of similar background in that his childhood was no walk in the park. Not the same physical abuse, but not so great on the consistency front etc. He had alot of residual anger. We both used it to motivate us to do better, to provide a good home for our kids, keep our marriage together even when the going got rough. We both said "we aren't going to do that to our kids, we are going to make it". He turned to alcohol and I turned to food. He gave his alcohol up three years ago, me, I gave up food about four months ago. We kept it from the kids, his drinking took place away from home. As you can imagine, I can't even stand the smell of alcohol. He knew better than to drink in front of me. I have to find something else for a release valve. I like to read. Now I am just thinking while I am typing. I guess this is a process. I guess I am just p*ssed that I have to learn how to handle emotions and crap at 35 years of age. This is exactly the sort of thing your parents are supposed to teach you. Which is who I am pissed at and whom I am forgiving. Apparently, I am going to have to do this daily. I am a smart cookie, I can figure this out...how to handle emotions appropriately. I probably have a self help book all about it....lmao. All that time I was eating everything, I thought I was the most even keeled person. I think that maybe everybody has something they do to rebalance. How about this guys: You tell me what you do and I will give it a go. Can't hurt.
Have a good day,
Chris
6 comments:
I have also recognized a deep-seated rage in myself, and as I become kinder to myself, it's starting to bubble up. And it scares me! I don't want it to cause havoc in my life. But this time I'm not going to turn it inward again. I think I'd better get acquainted with the punching bag at gym!
I can't say this enough - you have come a long way already. You have in fact done more with your life than many others who had none of your challenges. There is opportunity in adversity. Yes, it's awful and unfair that you had such a childhood, but it's made you into an extraordinary woman.
You are amazing. You survived all of that crap. Now it's time to thrive.
Yes, it probably is anger. I turned my anger inward for years - it was the only thing I knew how to do. Now I'm learning different, more adult and more appropriate ways to process all my emotions that I was never allowed to have. And you will learn that too.
Your story is very powerful and I know that you will come through all of this. It will take some time to get through the anger - for me, I had to keep processing and reprocessing. Good luck on your journey.
When I was in rehab I had to take an anger management class. I didn't think I was angry. Then the teacher said something I have never forgotten.
Anger is a precieved injustice!!
So all the times I got my feeling hurt over the years....I was really angry. Big wake up call on the anger front. I have been trying to walk my anger away. Seems to be working.
I am with Roxie...it's your turn to thrive! It is more about progress then it is about perfection.
I remember hearing a quote from some random talk show once that has always stuck with me:
"Harboring bitterness and resentment towards someone is like swallowing poison and hoping someone else dies."
I've always tried to remember that whenever I'm holding on to anger or resentment towards someone (or something) for whatever reason.
Dealing with my own anger has been easier since giving myself permission to live my life in full disclosure, feeling what needs to be felt and being unapologetic about taking whatever measures I need to take in order to honor and respect myself and my family.
I became MY OWN first priority, and through focusing on myself and my family, the injustices (perceived or otherwise) I've allowed take root in my heart, festering with anger and resentment, have slowly melted away because THEY DO NOT DEFINE ME. Nothing else, besides the well-being of those who I love and love me in return, matters.
I've taken my power back.
I hope you are able to find peace. You deserve it.
I am still trying to figure out how to deal with some of my own anger issues but so far forgiving those I can and just deciding to focus on the good instead of the bad is doing "ok" for me, at the moment.
You'll figure this all out.
Give it to God and ask Him for guidence.
I was once told that depression is anger turned inwards. Thanks for your comment on my blog!!
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