Well, I wrote what I wrote yesterday. After I wrote it I dreamed that I was going to show what I wrote to my kids, I went into this house and it was empty except for these blinds that were all over the place, I opened them and they had the word truth written on them. I will think about that more later. It seemed pretty straight forward so it shouldn't take too much thought. I woke up feeling tired again, even though I 'got enough' sleep. I didn't eat my way through anything so that was a plus. I did sit upstairs for six hours watching old soap clips on youtube. So, I was sitting downstairs this morning watching project runway on Bravo (free preview this month) and it dawned on me, what I thought was depression is really just anger. I have been angry for years. I always knew church was good for me, it kept my thoughts straight. It kept me moving forward, gave me words to live by, gave me a good father figure. I just never realized how much of my time spent going to church was a release valve for my anger. I used to eat to feel calm. I can't do that anymore. I used to draw, I don't do that anymore. Half the time I listen to talk radio which doesn't calm anyone down. I love music, think I will do more of that. Letting go of my eating crutch has caused a glitch in the system. So now, I have to deal with my ANGER. (says the hulk). Process it and let it go.
Now I know what my husband was talking about, you see he had a kind of similar background in that his childhood was no walk in the park. Not the same physical abuse, but not so great on the consistency front etc. He had alot of residual anger. We both used it to motivate us to do better, to provide a good home for our kids, keep our marriage together even when the going got rough. We both said "we aren't going to do that to our kids, we are going to make it". He turned to alcohol and I turned to food. He gave his alcohol up three years ago, me, I gave up food about four months ago. We kept it from the kids, his drinking took place away from home. As you can imagine, I can't even stand the smell of alcohol. He knew better than to drink in front of me. I have to find something else for a release valve. I like to read. Now I am just thinking while I am typing. I guess this is a process. I guess I am just p*ssed that I have to learn how to handle emotions and crap at 35 years of age. This is exactly the sort of thing your parents are supposed to teach you. Which is who I am pissed at and whom I am forgiving. Apparently, I am going to have to do this daily. I am a smart cookie, I can figure this out...how to handle emotions appropriately. I probably have a self help book all about it....lmao. All that time I was eating everything, I thought I was the most even keeled person. I think that maybe everybody has something they do to rebalance. How about this guys: You tell me what you do and I will give it a go. Can't hurt.
Have a good day,